Selling of the Shrine
Selling of The Shrine
by
James T. Kitchens
999 Juel Street
Orlando, FL 32814
321-217-3763
Synopsis:
Bill and Mary have decided to downsize from their house to a one bedroom condo. When their millennium children, Sherry and Johnny, hear the news, they pitch a fit because their parent are “selling their rooms”. They are intent on changing their parents’ minds until they hear that the profits from the house are going to provide them with a trust fund.
Selling of The Shrine
Bill - 60's year old man
Mary - is 60's year old woman married to Bill
Johnny - late 20's son of Bill and Mary
Sherry - early 30's daughter of Bill and Mary
(Setting is Bill and Mary's living room. Bill and Mary are sitting quietly reading when Sherry rushes in.)
Sherry
Oh, God, I'm not too late, am I?! Please tell me I'm not too late!
Bill
Well, no. We were just starting to talk about having dinner—
Sherry
Don't toy with me. I just talked to Aunt Bess who told me (pause) what you two have done!
Johnny
(Rushes in carrying a box). I came as soon as I got your text. I thought you might be joking, then I realized you were serious. Especially when I found this box of valuables in the front yard.
Mary
What are you babbling about?
Sherry
We know the ugly truth. (beat) You’ve sold our rooms!
Mary
Actually, we sold your rooms, our room, the whole house.
Bill
That's how this sort of works.
Johnny
For mere money, you would just destroy all our childhood memories. Look at this Sis. (Johnny hold up a ragged pink stuffed pig)
Sherry
My God! Miss Pinky. You can't have become so cruel you would throw out the most important possession of my childhood.
Johnny
Oh yeah. They've lost it all right. They were even throwing out my participation trophy from when I played soccer.
Bill
You were six and you stunk at soccer. Why would you want to remember that?
Mary
Excuse me. But do you two recall I called you both about three weeks ago and told you we were cleaning out the house. If you wanted stuff from your rooms, come get it.
Sherry
We thought you were talking about your junk. Not our valuable possessions.
Bill
We had to clean everything out before we painted--
Johnny
Painted! (Johnny runs off stage. He screams. Then, he staggers back in and falls on the floor.)
Sherry
Johnny. My sweet little brother, what have they done to you?
Johnny
They committed the ultimate sacrilege. They tore off my Metallica wall paper--
Sherry
OH (beat) MY (beat) GOD!
Bill
Are you sure he's mine?
Mary.
Maybe they mixed up babies at the hospital.
Johnny
And - you won't believe this - they painted my room Beige!
Mary
The realtor told us that we needed to put neutral colors in the house and—
Sherry
You listen to that crazy woman and destroyed your only son's room?
Johnny
That room was my inner sanctum that forged me into the man I am today.
Bill
You’re a college dropout who works at Starbucks.
Mary
And we had three offers on the house the first day. This is what they call a desirable neighborhood.
Sherry
And, pray tell, where do you think your moving to?
Bill
We put a down payment on one of those new condos they built on the lake and—
Sherry
Condo! Like the one-bedroom condos?
Mary
We can't wait. It has a pool and spa. There are always activities and we can walk to everything.
Bill
It will be a great lifestyle for us. And we—
Johnny
For YOU! What about US? What if there's an emergency and one of us needs to move back in?
Bill
You mean an emergency like you lose another job? The last time you got fired, you were dancing around on the sidewalk in a chicken suit for that restaurant and fell into the street —
Johnny
That wasn’t my fault. The feet on that costume were so big—
Bill
Causing a three car pile up. You’re lucky you didn’t get run over.
Johnny
And, that creep manager wouldn’t give me my last paycheck.
Bill
So, you decided to take a 3 month vacation by moving back in? Well, that ship has sailed.
Sherry
And what about me? You would leave me helpless and homeless?
Mary
Are you kidding? You’ve been married and divorced twice. You've been through this revolving door as much as your brother.
Bill
And, when she was 18, don't I remember her saying "I can't wait to get out of this house, so you two can’t nag me anymore."
Mary
Yeah, and I think she said it again after the third or fourth time she moved out.
Johnny
I don't even recognize you two people. The next thing you know you'll be saying something crazy like (beat) you're no longer paying for our cell phone bills.
Sherry
Wait a minute. Wait one little minute. (beat) Tell me, how much yard does this condo have?
Bill
Yard? It has grounds, not a yard, so I don’t worry about mowing—
Sherry
Ah ha! Just as I thought. So, this deal is off! Oh yeah, the deal breaker.
Mary
What deal breaker?
Sherry
If there is no yard, where are you going to put my swing set? Hum? Answer that.
Bill
What are you talking about? What swing set?
Sherry
Oh, don’t be coy with me. You know, my pink princess swing set in the back yard. The one I plan to pass on to my daughter.
Mary
You think she is talking about that old rusty swing set we threw out a few years ago?
Sherry
Threw out! Threw out! You threw out my daughter’s swing set!
Mary
You don’t have a daughter.
Sherry
Well, I might someday.
Mary
And, you know, I would love to have a granddaughter. It would be fun to have a little girl to swing again.
Johnny
This is unbelievable. I feel like we’re in the twilight zone.
Sherry
It’s like, we came back to the place we thought we belonged, but this isn’t our home anymore.
Bill
What do you mean? We’re here. And, this is still our house. At least until the closing.
Sherry
So, Johnny, we’re orphans.
Johnny
My dear sister, we are (beat) homeless.
Sherry
We only have each other.
Johnny
We’ll hold on to each other to survive our being abandoned.
Bill
I thought you guys might be happy for us. You’re acting like lunatics.
Mary
For God’s sake. If you’re this upset, we’ll just cancel the deal.
Johnny
Really? (beat) You would do that for us?
Sherry
Praise God! Our parents are back!
Bill
Ok. I’ll call the lawyer and tell him not to draw up the trust fund papers. You call the real estate agent.
Sherry
Trust fund? What trust fund?
Mary
We’ve lived here 30 years. The house is worth much more than we paid for it.
Bill
And, the condo was really very cheap in comparison to the house. So, we were going to take the extra money and set you guys up a trust fund.
Mary
Our tax guy said you two could get the interest off of it each month, and if we never needed the money, you would inherit it when we were gone.
Johnny
So. . .how much would be in this trust fund?
Mary
Two hundred.
Johnny
Two hundred dollars doesn’t sound like much of a trust fund—
Bill
Thousand.
Sherry
Two hundred thousand?
Mary
Each.
Sherry
(pause) You know, Johnny, maybe we’re being too selfish.
Johnny
Yeah. . . I mean. . . if Mom and Dad would be happy in that new condo, we shouldn’t stand in their way.
Sherry
You’re right. I mean. . . well, I could buy my own daughter a swing set.
Johnny
And, I could. . . go do something and get another participation trophy.
Mary
And, what happens if you need to move back in with us?
Sherry
Well. . . Johnny and I could live together if it was really necessary. Right, Johnny?
Johnny
Sure. . .No doubt we could make that work.
Sherry
We just don’t want to be a burden on you guys.
Bill
That’s nice to know.
ohnny
You know what? We could help you pack and get ready to move.
Sherry
Great idea. Mom, we can pack up stuff and go down memory lane.
Johnny
Dad, you got any heavy stuff I can help you with?
Bill
Well, there some stuff in the attic—
Johnny
You shouldn’t be climbing up there. I can do that for you.
Bill
Sounds great.
Sherry
Let’s get moving here so we can get you guys in that new condo.
(Johnny and Sherry exit)
Mary
Told you they would come around to the idea.
CURTAIN
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