Self-Love and Healing from Trauma
Kay Colbert, LCSW
Meadows Lecture Series, March 18, 2014
Self-love is the missing piece to healing from trauma.
“. . . love of others and love of ourselves are not alternatives.”
-Erich Fromm, 1956, The Art of Loving
“Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?”
-from Center for Mindful Self-Compassion, 2014
“. . . trauma survivors, particularly those with PTSD, may benefit from incorporating elements of self-compassion into treatment.”
-Self-Compassion & PTSD Trauma Symptom Severity, Brian L. Thompson & Jennifer Waltz, Journal of Traumatic Stress, Vol. 21, No. 6, December 2008, pp. 556–558.
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Self-Compassion Break
- from Mindful Self-Compassion, Chris Germer, PhD (see: mindfulselfcompassion.org)
Bring to mind an interaction with someone that makes you feel badly—only moderately badly so that you can feel the stress in your body but not get overwhelmed by it. Visualize the situation until it makes you a little uncomfortable.
Now, say to yourself:
_This is a moment of suffering (mindfulness)
_Suffering in a part of life (common humanity)
Put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands, the gentle pressure of your hands, and notice your chest rhythmically rising and falling beneath your hands.
Now, say to yourself:
_May I be kind to myself. (self-kindness)
_May I accept myself just as I am
For the last one or two phrases, use whatever words speak to your particular situation, such as:
May I be safe.
May I forgive myself
May I be happy and free from suffering
May I safely endure this pain
May I find peace in my heart
May I be strong
May I protect myself
May I learn to live with ease and well-being
May I accept the circumstances of my life
May we learn to live together in peace
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Trauma Treatment& Intervention Options:
- practice grounding, relaxation & coping strategies daily
- Somatic Experiencing
- EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing)
- PIT (Post Induction Therapy)
- group therapy (Seeking Safety, MBSR, MBRP, MSC)
- intensive workshops & retreats (run by licensed professionals, treatment centers)
- Cognitive ProcessingTherapy (CPT)
- Prolonged Exposure Therapy (PE)
- Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT)
- yoga, Trauma-Sensitive Yoga
- Tai Chi, Chi Gong, etc.
- meditation
- Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR)
- Mindfulness Based Relapse Prevention (MBRP)
- Mindful Self Compassion (MSC)
- hypnotherapy
- good self-care
- exercise
- acupuncture
- massage
- medications (non-addictive) to treat symptoms (discuss with your physician)
Resources on Self-Love & Healing Trauma
Books:
Bays, J. C. (2009). Mindful Eating: A Guide to Rediscovering a Healthy & Joyful Relationship with Food. Boston: Shambhala.
Black, C. (2002). Changing Course: Healing from Loss, Abandonment & Fear. Center City, MN: Hazelden Press.
Germer, Christopher K. (2009). The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions. New York: Guilford.
Fromm, E. (1956) The Art of Loving. New York: Harper Collins.
Kabat-Zinn, J. (2009). Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Body & Mind to Face Stress, Pain, & Illness. New York: Delta/Random House.
Levine, P., & Frederick, A. (1997). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. Berkely: North Atlantic Books.
Mellody, P. (2003). Facing Codependence. New York: Harper & Row.
Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up & Leave Insecurity Behind. New York: William Morrow.
Segal, Z.V., Williams, J.M.G., & Teasdale, J.D. (2013). Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy for Depression. New York: Guilford.
Ebook / Audio CD:
Websites for more Information on Self-Compassion and Trauma Treatment:
Mindful Self-Compassion (Christopher Germer)
Center for Mindful Self-Compassion
Kristin Neff
University of California San Diego Center for Mindfulness mindfulness.ucsd.edu/
University of Massachusetts Center for Mindfulness
Trauma Center at Justice Resource Institute
National Center for PTSD, US Dept of Veterans Affairs
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Affirmations on Self-Love
"Change is possible, but it must start with self-acceptance." - Alexander Lowen
“You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” - Thich Nhat Hanh
“. . . love of others and love of ourselves are not alternatives.” – Erich Fromm, 1956, The Art of Loving
"If you aren't good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you'll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren't even giving to yourself." - Barbara De Angelis
"The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy." - Pema Chödrön
"What we do about our feelings determines the quality of our relationship with ourselves." - Cheri Huber
“Only the person who has faith in himself is able to be faithful to others.” – Erich Fromm
"Hoping a situation will change keeps you at a distance from your true feelings--sadness, anger, fear. Each of these feelings is best appreciated up close. Feel them deeply, and they will cease to bother you. Hope they'll go away, and they'll bother you all day." - Gay Hendricks
“Healing the self means committing ourselves to a wholehearted willingness to be what and how we are--beings frail and fragile, strong and passionate, neurotic and balanced, diseased and whole, partial and complete, stingy and generous, twisted and straight, storm-tossed and quiescent, bound and free." - Paula Gunn Allen
"Welcome [fear] completely, be ready to live with your fear. The moment you are ready to live with it, without trying to do anything about it, it's already neutralized because you are already free from it. " - Francis Lucille
"Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final." - Rainer Maria Rilke
“Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?” - from Center for Mindful Self-Compassion, 2014
“If your mother did not know how to love herself, or your father did not know how to love himself, then it would be impossible for them to teach you to love yourself. They were doing the best they could with what they had been taught as children.” - Louise L. Hay
“…we can still be crazy after all these years. We can still be angry after all these years. We can still be timid or jealous or full of feelings of unworthiness. The point is…not to try to throw ourselves away and become something better. It’s about befriending who we are already.” – Pema Chödrön