Safiyya Huhammad
Entitled “Defining Me and Finding Me,” my book is comprised of four silhouettes of myself at different moments in my life, accompanied, on the opposite page, by my poem “The Definition of Me.” It explores how being pulled into different directions leads me right back to path that makes me whole.
In one of the four silhouettes, I was in kindergarten. This was a time when everything was about my interests and me. Now, with a large family and five children of my own, it is a challenge to meet everyone’s expectations, including my own. Yet, I have come to the self-actualization that despite (or in support of) my dedication to my family, I have to take care of myself first. Like the oxygen mask theory; before assisting others, I must breathe the air of life for myself then resuscitate someone else.
Another silhouette is from a photograph that I took with my cell phone as the most amazing burst of sunlight exploded into my window. I was so overcome by that moment of “spiritual bliss,” I made a promise to myself to take a reflective moment every month to “celebrate self” and never forget the natural essence of “me.”
The other silhouettes were taken at some the best times in my life; when I am immersed in my children, advocacy and poetry. At times, it becomes difficult for me to cut out my children and my passions from the pictures, literally and figuratively. However, I have learned that it is ok to have my own dreams. I am not selfish.
All of the silhouettes together feature me in different facets that have shaped me – daughter, eldest of seven siblings, wife, mother, friend. Through all of this, nothing could have prepared me for the most challenging role of my life; mother of children with special needs.
Sometimes mothers of children with special needs stand out in “loud silence,” like a dog whistle to which only certain people can respond. Many people do not know how to respond or react to our children or our circumstances. Many make assumptions. My life IS in a state of “organized chaos” because I am in control when I choose to be out of control. It is all right not to always meet all of your (high) expectations.
Essentially, I have learned that my shared journeys have helped me reflect on where I am, where I have been and where I want to be. Take notice that I did not say, "Where I am going." I find that often times we cannot be certain of where we are going until we take that first step towards something different. Other times we do not realize that we have taken a step in a new direction until we look back and realize that we ARE there, on that new path, in that new place.