EXP HOMEWORK
REWRITE YOUR SCHEMA RELATED CHILDHOOD MEMORIES
One of the ways that we can lessen the negative and controlling impact of the core or root memories tied to schemas and modes is to rewrite them. Of course, we know that no one can change the past, but it is possible to change the memory that gets replayed by changing the script. It is the script from core memories that keeps us stuck in old patterns. We end up acting as if the old memory is what is happening or will happen and we make it into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Here is an example: One of Patty’s main schemas is abandonment. This schema developed because in childhood whenever Patty made a mistake her mother gave her the cold shoulder and even stopped talking to her for days. When this happened, most of Patty’s needs were not met – safety, stable base, predictability, love, nurturance & attention, acceptance & praise, empathy, guidance & protection, validation of feelings & needs. When Patty makes a mistake today she feels her mother’s cold shoulder. She has coped with this by avoiding making mistakes, so she never tries new things and her life is very narrow. If she ever does make a mistake she withdraws and avoids the situation. Often it is this withdrawal, not the mistake itself that leads to her being alone and feeling abandoned and lonely. She does not always remember the memory of her mother’s reaction – but she has the feelings that went along with it replayed. Sometimes if she has made a mistake she tries to protect herself by acting angry or cold toward the person she thinks will be mad at her. When she does this it hurts her relationships. People think – “what is wrong with her – she made the mistake and that is no big deal, but I don’t like the way she is acting toward me.”
A core memoryrelated to this that Patty has is a time when she was 8 years old and her mother was in bed with a migraine. Patty decided to try to bake some cookies like she had done at her Grandma’s house, but without Grandma there she did not get the recipe right, used a pound of butter and the cookies tasted awful. When her mother got up and saw the cookies, she was furious at Patty for using the oven without supervision and wasting all the ingredients. She said Patty was hopeless and couldn’t do anything right. Her mother went back to bed. Patty’s father was working, so she saw no parent that evening and had no supper. The next day Patty’s mother was still not talking to her and gave her disgusted looks whenever she was in the same room. Patty’s mother treated her as if she was invisible for days. This kind of reaction was repeated many times while Patty was growing up.
Here is an example of how the memory could be rewritten leading to a different script for Patty.
“I tried to bake some cookies after staying with grandma. Mom was in bed with a migraine. Somehow the cookies just didn’t turn out right. When mom got up she was mad at me for wasting ingredients and using the stove.. She went back to bed and locked her bedroom door. At that moment the doorbell rang and Grandma was here. I told her what happened and she hugged and comforted me. She said that it was no big deal that the cookies didn’t turn out as I didn’t have her recipe. She said that I was adventuresome to try on my own and that I was a smart little girl. She said that mom was probably in pain and crabby, but that she should not have been mean to me. Grandma said that everyone makes mistakes and that is how we learn things. She took me to the store to buy the ingredients I had used so mom would not be so mad. When we got home mom was up and Grandma talked to her about the cookies sticking up for me – saying things like “Patty is only 8. Nothing bad happened. She has to be able to try things on her own and no harm was done. It isn’t right for you to ignore her and be so mean.” Mom gave in finally and agreed with Grandma. Grandma stayed and made dinner for both of us. Mom didn’t hold a grudge.”
In your rewritten memory you can bring anyone you want into the scene to advocate for you and meet your needs. Feel free to use any of the therapists. Don’t worry if it seems silly at first. We know that this technique works and we will work in group together to make the new script even stronger.
Your NEW SCRIPT FOR ONE OF YOUR MEMORIES:
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