Q&A

withVal Walker

Author of The Art of Comforting

Why did you decide to write The Art of Comforting?

As a bereavement coordinator at a hospice in charge of updating our resources, it surprised me that, given all the great books on grief, there was little out there for the ordinary person about how to comfort others. Not only was I disappointed at the dearth of books about comforting, I was dismayed by the lack of appreciation and understanding for comforters in our overly individualistic society. Patience, gentleness and graciousness appeared to be fast disappearing all around me, from reality TV to dehumanizing workplaces to hectic households. This is a hard world to be soft in.

Had comforting become a lost art? As I sat in a funk mulling over how no one seemed to value comforting skills anymore, I spotted the colorful cardsand old photos thatmy sweetest friends had given to me over the years, displayed lovingly on my bookshelves. Wait—maybe the art of comforting had not been entirely forgotten after all. I started writing about the remarkably comforting people in my life, and before I knew it, I was well on my way to writing thebook I had been searching for.

What do you hope readers take away from the book?

In a nutshell, I hope readers gain more confidence in the art of comforting, so they can put comforting into action in their everyday lives.

The comforting experts in your book come from a wide variety of fields. How did you select them?

First of all, it was important to profile more than counselors, chaplains or social workers to provide well-rounded advice on how to be comforting. I wanted to highlight the practical wisdom of comforters, not just their clinical expertise. I was challenged to get past the stereotypes and myths about comforters by showing readers everyday professionals working in hospitals, child care centers, shopping centers or police departments—in hectic, even impersonal places where one might not expect to see comforters in action.

To select my comfort guides, I observed them in action with colleagues and their clients, patients, students or customers. All of them had at least 15 years of professional experience in their fields as well as wonderful references and reputations for being effectively comforting and warm individuals.

In your research for the book, which comforting tip surprised you the most?

I had assumed that the qualities of empathy, warmth and generosity would be the stand-out traits of what made us comforting. To my surprise, I found that participants in support groups, classes and other interviewees singled out the importance of the reliabilityof those who had comforted them. These were the “true blue folks” who we could count on, who showed up when they had promised to show up. Instead of just saying, “Call me when you need me,” they offered a specific time and place to be there for someone. (“I can give you a call on Monday night if you like.”) And they meant it.

In praising the book, Greg Mortenson noted “many of us fear that we lack the ability to effectively comfort another human being.” Why do we disqualify ourselves?

Typically, for four main reasons…(1)We think only the “experts,” like counselors or social workers, should be doing the comforting.(2)We think we have to have something in common with that person’s situation to be effectively comforting for them. (3) We think we have to have the right thing to say at all times, or else we might offend someone or hurt their feelings. (4) We think we have to be affectionate and give good hugs, even though we are a shy, not-so-touchy type.

How can we get over those fears?

The bottom line for comforting is this: Comforting comes with genuine acts of caring, attentive listening and thoughtfulness. Comforting does not always have to come with words, with hugs, or with lots of time on our hands. There are hundreds of ways to let people know we care about them, such as giving someone a card, a gift, a note, a box of your homemade breads. Watching Dancing with the Stars together, cleaning their cat litter box, filing their nails, playing poker together, walking their dogs together. Deep heart-to-heart talks do not always need to be in the formula for being a thoughtful comforter.

While we don’t have to say the right thing at all times, we’d certainly like to try. What mistakes can we be mindful to avoid when comforting?

~Comparing their pain to someone else’s pain (or to your pain). Instead, listen well, and perhaps you might express your sorrow or concern. “I’m so sorry you are going through this.”

~Saying “I understand” as if you totally get it—which may discourage them from talking more. Instead, you might say, “I can only imagine what this is like for you.”

~Giving advice before they ask you for advice or assistance. Instead, it’s better to listen attentively and follow their lead in the conversation. In short, be unassuming.

~Telling them to “be positive,” “be strong,” or to “get over it”— telling someone to “be” anything is usually not comforting. Instead, you might point out what they are actually doing or saying that is positive, strong or productive. You could say, “Sounds like you are handling those phone calls amazinglywell.”

Through which times in your life have you needed the most comforting? What type of support worked for you?

There were two particularly painful periods in my life when I suffered multiple losses. During these times of grieving, I felt acutely the indifference of some people either avoiding me, or rushing me to “get over it” with their advice. In the summer of 1994, I found out that I could not have children because of premature ovarian failure(though I was only in my mid thirties), and a month later, I lost a job I loved due to a lay off. On top of that, there were heartbreaking developments in my marriage. While reaching out to people it shocked me that so manyof them simply told me to take care of myself by myself--to go to support groups, go to adoption agencies, go to doctors, go to self-help books, go to medications, go to God. Why was it hard to find people who could just sit with me and listen, who didn’t try to fix me?By the time I had separated from my husband in 1999, I had declared that my sweet old cat, Ivan, was the best comforter in the world.

But then a dear friend I had known long ago, Morna, came from Scotland to visit me. Her kindness and honesty changed my life in her one-week visit. She was able to sit quietly and softly as I struggled to find my words and express my feelings, and later, over home-cooked meals, she shared her own stories. Her comfort as a true friend was so inspirational that my book begins with the story of her visit.

Contact: Lauren Reddy | | 212-366-2851