Cascais, 5.11.2011
Marek Liciński
Psychoprophylactic Society
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Introduction
IfI seea sinisterfellowin a dark alley snatching an old lady’s handbagor whenan adult mantorturesa babybecauseitis crying, I have no difficultyto distinguishwho is theperpetratorand who isthe victim.If I haveto deal withtheconflictsof adultswho havelived together for a number of years and are engaged in a domestic conflictwith oftenbrutal methods, I usually have manydoubtsabout whois to blame. It is also clear to methatphysical violenceis inadmissible because of theunpredictable andsometimesirreversible effects.Moreover,it is impossible toworkwith a couple in whicheither partyisintimidated.
For40 yearsI have beena familytherapist. During this time I have workeddirectlyandindirectly withhundreds offamilies.Most werefamilies,from the margins of society, in whichdramaticforms of mutual fighting were common.I also workedwith the families ofpsychotic patients, where specific problemsarise fromdeceptionand lack ofdirectcommunication. A largegroupwere familiesof childrenwith problemsin adolescence(disruptive behaviour, substance abuse). Finally,seeminglywell-functioningfamilies, struggling withdifficultiesin communication, or those where theadultswere fightingfor dominanceand to prove, whose on top. In all ofthese families it would bevery difficult forme todetermine whoisto blame.The closer I came togetting to knowandunderstandeachof them, the more it wasclear to methateveryone has their ownreasons andeveryone has their ownfighting techniques. Of course,this does not meanthat participation in thegrowingproblems ofthe couplewas alwayssymmetricalbutwas usually very difficultto quantify andare not necessarilyhelpful inthe solution. It seems to methat the realcauses of conflicts withincouples lie inthe patterns of behaviour emerging from our home, especiallythe experience of early childhood, mutual expectationsat the outset, its history, the course ofdomestic conflict and the waysof solving them.The decisive roleisa lackof preparedness and inabilityto communicateandtrust in thepartner which arealso oftendrawn fromour home. SoI am extremely wary as to theuse of thecategories ofperpetrator andvictimtogetherin helpingreach an agreement, but I do not feelempoweredorcompetentin the judgmentoftheir guilt.Nor do I believethat this maybe helpfulin the efficientwork withthe couple.I would like topresent myunderstanding of thecauses of conflictsin couples andmyexperience workingwith coupleswho did notcopewith theirsolutions.Since thetopicseems to bedifficult and complexIwill confinethediscussiontoadultviolencetowards each other, putting aside the problem ofviolence against childrenfor later.
Early causes of conflicts in couples
Over the past100-150 yearsthe realfunctions of the familyand the relationshipbetweenits membershave changed radically. Familylifehas ceased tobe a form ofprotectionenabling thebiologicalsurvival ofits members, especially the old,women and children.Outside the familythey did not haveany unduechances of survival.Today,the familymeets rather only thepsychological needs, especially emotional.Soitdoes not requireabsoluteloyalty, compliance, and a carefuldivision of roles. Todaythere are manysocial institutionswhich guaranteethe basic needs ofthe weak: children,the poor, the sick, old andlonely.Once,due to the muchshorterlife span the familyonly lastedtwenty years, and rarely was 3-generational. Today, it can oftenlast50-60 years, and is usually 3 to 4generations. Historically,in many respectsa womanwas dependent ona man.Heoftenhad at his dispositioncommon ownership,was bettereducated,had a clearsocial status, etc. Today,womenhave the same rightsas men, more frequently on a par interms of education, income,social position,but ifthey wantcan completelycontrol theprocreationdecidingon the statusand situationof the family.
Childrenare brought up not by giving themguidance andpreaching. Living
with usevery daythey take from ustheexamples andsomehow "soak" us up. Unfortunately theytakeall of ourfeatures:andthe goodand bad,andtheclear andtheunconscious.If youbelievethe resultsof modern psychoneurological researchparticular importancein shaping thecharacter ofthe childarethe earliestyears.Thenmore and more importantbecomeshisown experience, in which we are indeedstillplaying a vitalrole.Thusthiscultural heritagewe passon to future generationsespecially intheirearly childhood. Before in our ownadultlife andexperiencewe are able toverify appropriatelyour parents'patterns of behavioursand values provided to us.Whenwe reach about fifty we begin to understandthe world around usand the regularitythat governs it,that's whenour twenty something year old children program our grandchildren. Unfortunately,theyunwittinglytransmitpatterns of behaviourand images, which in early childhood, they equally unconsciouslytookfrom us.The mechanism of this transferensuresits continuity,but preventsrapid adaptationto modernrealities.Verification of thesepatterns of behaviour occur with a delay of several generations causingin ouroftenunconsciousexpectationsof ourselves and othersmany contradictions andmisunderstandings. Womenwouldalso like to havean equal rightto a career, independence, influence andequal participationin the estate and at the same timecare, protection, and special treatment. Menwant todominate, decide, to beindependent andfree fromhousehold dutiesand alsoexpectthe rightto make mistakes, rest, weakness, assistance, care and understanding.Woman look fora partner whomakesa career,isenterprising,earnslots of moneybut alsowantsto be ahome lover, who likes to do the washing,cleans,changesthe children andlistens.A manat the same timelooks for anattractive andelegant womanto take toparties,active and openin sexand alsoa greatcook, economical and an industrioushousewife, a lovingmother duringillnessandthe unconditionalacceptance of himself as apartner, and somehow sees nodifficulty incombining theseroles.
Even morecontradictionsarise from the individual experience ofthe partners
in theiroriginalfamilies. For a womanthe first role model ofa manis usuallythefather, especially when he is to a large extentinvolved inherupbringing.Similarly,for a male the archetype ofa womanis his mother.The experience ofthesechildrenisboth differenthopes and expectationsand fears andresentments.Of significance here isnot only therelationshipswith their parentsbut also the relationshipsbetween the parents.Importantis also thedynamics of theserelationships, their gradual evolutionand ultimatefinale.In many families,patterns of behaviour transferred to the childrenaredestructive.They arebased primarilyon lies, manipulation, domination, games and violence.This is allshapingthe subsequentexpectations ofthe childtowards theirpartner andtheir family.Early childhoodexperiences areoften decisive informingthechild's characterthough we usuallyare unable to remember them. Some of ourmemories ofearly childhoodcomerather fromthe later, not necessarily reliable informationfrom parents.That's why mostadultsare unaware ofearly childhoodconditions. They alsotry toreconcileconflicting expectations. In theirownrelationships they often unconsciouslyrepeatpatternstaken from their home,even thoughmany timesthey promisedthat with theirfamilies it will becompletely different.This applies not justto the treatment of the partner,but also to the bringing up of children.A womanbrought up by adominantmother, when choosingpartnermayunconsciouslylook forsomeone who will be in love with her, whowill caremore than her, who will have a tendency tosuccumb to her. Then she will feelattractive, worthwhile and importantand thanks to thedominancesafe.Then she will not thinkaboutthe fact thathedoesnot offer support, and with time will cease torespect him. A manraised byan overprotectivemothermayunconsciouslylook fora partnerwhowill beenergetic, determined, resourceful, focusedon him, caring. He does not seethatshemakeshim dependent on her, limits his independence,imposesher will, is treatedoften asa child.Of course,the examplesaresimplified.Realrelationships areusuallymore complex andharder to recognize.
Another factor increasing therisk ofrisinggrievancesand conflictsin a relationship is how partners present themselvesin the beginning.Usuallythey try tohidewhatthey considerto be their flawsandexposewhatthey regard astheir strengths.They try toguessandmeet the expectations oftheir partner,evenif they are notready tomeet themin the future.They do not realizethat inthis waytheymakecompletelyunrealisticexpectations ofthemselvesincurringdebts which are impossibleto pay.Such a proceduremakes it virtually impossible to make a realchoicebasedon sharedgoals orvalues, interests, lifestyles and acceptanceof mutualconstraints anddifferences. This guarantees being letdown, disappointment andpermanent conflictin the relationship. Often appearancesare kept up for a few yearsand are brought to lightbyserious problems associated withthe advent ofchildren,financial problems,infidelity, etc. The late onsetof appearancesand contradictions(e.g. wherethere are alreadychildren) makes it difficult or impossible toresolve themconstructively. It is usuallyaccompanied bya sense ofhurt andgriefand persistentunderminingof confidence.This isoftenthe beginning ofa deeperconflict anddomestic turmoil.
All of theseburdens andcontradictionstaken fromthe homewould not havesuch seriousconsequences,if thepartners trusted each other, were opento each otherand soughtagreementevenon basic issues. The problem is do they want toand can they.In this respect,thepatterns of behaviour taken from the home arecritical.Unfortunately it is very popular todayto exposeyourstrengthsand hide yourflawsin both your private, socialandprofessional life.The most important thing is to make a goodimpressionandnotalienateanyone. Maybeit facilitateseveryday lifebut it preventsrecognitionand understandingof manyfundamental differencesand disagreementsbetween partners.Many young people, when starting their own familyare guided more bydreamsthanreality.They preferto believe thatsomehow it will be alright than to take responsibility for thegradual building ofa realcommunity. They often avoidconfrontationwith realityand difficultproblems leaving them to be dealt with later.They can notrecognizetheir feelingsand all the more so openlytalk about themwith their partner.Oftenthe differencesand contradictionsare treated by theyoung as a question of honour and provokemore the gameabout whois right,whowill imposetheir views on someone else thanto seeka compromise andagreement.They are notpreparedfor thisneitherin the family home norat school.Textbooks teaching aboutliving in the familypresent an archaic,superficialvision ofthe familybased on"traditional" ritualized rolesanddo not preparefor thepartnership,open communicationand the search forcompromises andthe realextentof the community.
Domestic conflicts
At leasthalf of thecouplesI worked withdecided to be togetherwith each otherbecause oflove.Without goingtoo muchinto whatitmeantto themthen, it is moving that it so oftenended up withdeep regretand angeron both sides,dramatic,destroying everything inthe strugglebetween themand finallyseparation.It seems to methat in addition totheirburdens taken from homemuchbad had happenedin theirrelationshipdue to lack ofopen communication and not seeking a consensus.
The first causeofconfusion isthat whenproblems and difficulties arisethe partnersoftenfeel that they areagainst each other, treat them as a grievanceand nota problemto solve.Rather, they arefocused on explainingand justifyingthemselvesand not to listeningand understanding their partner.In practice,focusing ondefendingtheir ownreasonspreclude thesearch forsolutions.IfI canexplain to myself this problem, at least in my opinion, it ceases to exist.Whileon the other sideisa sense ofregret andincomprehension. The same is withcompetitions playing on ambitions as to"whoseon top".Whether apartnerhasyielded or not is to be a sign of his love,about whetherhereallycares or not.It is alsooftentaken as proof ofthe attractivenessandimportance to thepartner.One canthus boost your self esteem by first having apartner, then by gradually imposingyourown will,finallyrejectingand humiliatingthe partner whodemonstratetheir commitment bytoleratingsuch treatment. It is rather a pyrrhicvictory, because the price is thefeeling of hurtand griefofthe victimand the gradualloss ofhis affections.This gameoften provokes the anti play "whocares less." Ifmy commitmentis turnedagainst meandis used primarily tosatisfyhis vanity, the only defenseis indifference, even pretended. This oftenends inseparation.Both of thesegames,quite common,permanentlyundermine themutual trust between thepartners,discourageopenness and urge to seek consensusandprovoke us toplay.This isoftenthe firstform ofdomestic conflict.The warfor dominance.
The next stepsin the riseof the crisis in a relationship result primarily
from a confrontation of initialdeclarationsand obligationswitheverydayreality.As I said, young people presenting themselvesat the beginninginthe most favourable lightpossible,incur liabilities, which they laterfind difficult tokeep.It is increasingly difficultfor suchgesturesas flowers,candlelight dinners, the showingof sensitivity every day. Of course, muchdisappointmentand disenchantmentis also due tothe previouslydiscussedinternallycontradictoryandunrealisticexpectationsemerging from thehome.Particularly difficult trials are gone through by couples in connectionwith the basicchoices regarding children,jobs,income, housing, relationships with parents, etc. Consider, forexample,a couple whodecides toquicklyhavetwo children.At the beginning thechildrenare taken care of by her staying at home andputtingher professional careeron hold till later. Onthe other hand he hasto concentrate onwork,career, earnings to allow them their own home.Such couple are prone to manylurking dangersverifyingtheir mutualaffection.In the beginning,when sheis pregnantshehas alot of his care and attention.She is freefrom manyhousehold duties.Their homeis visited by manyguests,friends, family. She isthe center of attention. Less and lesslooking forcloser contactwith him. Hesometimesfeelsmarginalized.The situationis getting worseafter the birth.Shefocuseson the child,on the guests, on herparents,who frequently visit their home veryoftento helpdeal with thechild.In time,he feelscompletelydisregarded.The earlyperiodof motherhoodis adifficult time forwomen andfor their relationship. It carriesmanytemptationsforwomenandsheoftenlosestouch with reality. The loveof a young childis very attractive.The baby isso close, open, committed, safe.Onlya small childlovesunconditionally. A partner is lovedin manyways.When hecomes backtiredfrom workall she wants ishelp at home, talkingonlyabout the child andparents.In such a situationhecould easilyfeelusedand rejected.He turns awayfrom his family andcommits himself moreatwork.Increasingly,hereturns home late. Increasingly,goes on business trips.He comes backtired, cold, watches TV.Avoidsclosecontact. She did not caretoo much aboutherselfduring pregnancyand lactation.Neglected, she put on weight. She realizesthatheworks surrounded byyoung, attractive, ambitious girlsfor whom he iscertainlyan attractive guywith a future.Shefeels tiedto the home,financiallydependent onhim, alone, without specificperspectives. She is afraidthat she has already lost him, that healready hasanother.They start toresent each other, the scenes of jealousy, guilt complexes, turning their parents on each other, etc. Thesescenarios of mutualdisappointmentareendless.A woman who hasa relationship witha dependent,submissive, insecurepartner isafter a whileimpatient of hispassivityandplaying it safe, unable tocount on him, lack ofsupport.The man, whounwittinglylooked for his partner to be attentive, caring and a totallyacceptingmother isdisappointed that shebegins todemandclearconditions andrequirements and istired ofhisselfishness.She does not wantto live for him any longer.
The mutualdisappointment andloss of confidenceform asense of injustice. Each
partnerfeelscheatedand exploited.It is easy toput things out of proportion.Each partnerjustifiestheir errorsand omissionsandexaggerates their partner’s errors. Usinggamesand manipulation,distrust andsuspiciontriggers premeditationandmalice with apartner.And thatprovokesto settle scores. This is where the real fight begins. Everyone hastheir reasons, and everyone has their own methods offighting.It seemsto me thatin the familybetween adults full of resentment but alsostronglyassociatedwith each other there are novulnerable people.In the battlethere can be usedan almostunlimitedarsenal ofmethods andmeans bywhich toharasseach other’sdaily life.I will mentiononly the most popular. You canshirkhousehold duties, taking care of children,participating inthecost of living.You canlie andmanipulate, you can seduce anddeny, create different coalitionswithin and outsidethe family,scheme and turn family membersagainst one and other,conspireagainst each other, win overchildren, isolate the partnerfromcontact with children. You can turn against someone distant relatives, friends, and finally various services, fabricating accusations. You can oppress unfair criticism and judgments. You can assign him despicable motives and intentions, arouse in him feelings of guilt. This is a particularly insidious and cruel weapon, especially against someone who is susceptible to it. Someone can demonstratively show indifference, contempt and scorn. You can reject him, show him disgust, revulsion. Humiliate, ridicule in front of the children, family, neighbours. For any reason you can start a brawl, scream, intimidate, threaten, etc., etc. You can therefore destroy a partner, keep them in a state of permanent stress, in despair without even touching them. In this way you can cause serious illness in relatives, mental collapse or torment them to death. With this in mind, the use of physical violence, beyond the extreme forms, is not necessarily more dangerous and more destructive. You can also deliberately provoke physical violence from a partner to be able to pass as his victim. You can of course remain in the shadows, commission a beating by a stranger, friend or extended family members. The status of such forms of struggle is not clear for me, when eviction is provoked, partner being sent to prison or a psychiatric institution on the basis of fabricated charges (such as the mistreatment of family members or, very popular today, child abuse). In most families, with whom I worked, if there was physical violence it was by both sides. Many people who resort to physical violence are the weakest people in the family. The outbreak of violence is often brought about by despair, extreme feeling of hurt and helplessness. Another problem falsifying the picture of domestic violence is who is actually physically beaten and humiliated and who is lodging a formal complaint of having been beaten. A significant proportion of people who have been beaten never complain because they are ashamed. Meanwhile, many people make false accusations of physical abuse by a partner as part of the game they are playing with him or to get rid of them.
Addiction
I do not thinkof addictionas a illness. It is rather a stupid anddestructiveway oftemporarilyseparating yourselffrom yourproblems.This is a badchoice, which can be changedat any time. Treatingaddictionas a illnessfacilitates thejustification ofthese choicesand avoidsresponsibilityfor their consequences, both fortheaddictand hissurroundings.
For forty years I have been trying tohelpaddicts. Most of mypatientscopedwith theiroftendramatic, problems withaddiction.I also havebehind me my ownaddictionat the beginning of myadult life.It seemsto me thatthe deepdependenceis gone throughmainly by people whohave veryserious problemswith the assessment ofthemselvesand do not haveanyonereally close, who understandsandsupports themwithout any opportunism.Problemswith self assessmentmay resultfrom what we take fromhomeconvinced that we areworse thanothers, that we are good for nothing, have no influence on anything andthat you can notbelieve anyone. These problems canalso result from therejectionby parentsor partnerand the beliefthat one is notworthyof love andelementaryrespect.They canalso result frominadequateaspiration and the belief that attention andrecognitioncan be achievedonlyif you turn out to beunique andbetterthan others. A great dealof attention andeffortisdevoted toseparating drug addictsfrom thepainfulandunacceptablereality (e.g. I am worsethan others,nobody loves menor understands me, I am averageandordinarylike others), and pretending tobesomeonetheywould like topass as. Boyssmokingpotin the stairwellorguys drinking anotherbeeratthe shoptalk aboutwhatwould happen if, what they will achieve in the future, and “I will show them”, etc. Nobodylistens,eachbabbles on spinninghis tale, in which he issomebody betterthan hereally is.All havea false senseof community andmutual understanding.The girl whosellsher body, spends her moneydrinkingin a bar, orderingexpensivedishes,givinglargetips,buyingpeople she just met drinksand pretending to be a successfullady. An ambitiousguygets drunkat a party, accosting everyone,boastsand pretends to besomeone importantpromising made up things.Alcoholnot only allows younot to thinkabout your problems andhang ups,but alsoimproves mood, lowers self-criticism, increases self-confidence.