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Proposal for Correspondence Changes

Table of Contents

  • Objectives
  • Introduction
  • Trends
  • Tone
  • Clarity
  • Variables
  • Combining Paragraphs
  • Good Examples
  • Letters to be Created
  • Renaming Letters
  • Reorganizing Databases

Objectives

  • Outline goals and identify phrases that can be improved.
  • Identify the trends uncovered in the system generated letters.
  • Describe each trend.
  • Identify specific letters and quote appropriately from them. Give specific examples of how they can be re-worded and explain that would make them better. This includes combining letters by using variables.
  • State specifically which criterion (Tone, etc) each change would improve.
  • Give examples of letters that are currently good examples of each criterion.
  • Identify topics for which there are currently no system generated letters available.
  • Provide suggestions about how the system generated letters can be renamed in a way that will make them easier to find and use.

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Introduction

The letter and paragraph database provides many opportunities for improving our correspondence performance. Some of these opportunities are directly related to criteria used by an outside consulting firm that evaluates performance quality. Many of the letters can be changed to improve their scores in the Clarity category employed by this firm. Others have already been changed to eliminate their typographical errors, which is another important criterion. Many worthwhile changes can be made regarding the criterion “Clarity,” which measures how clearly ideas and facts are communicated. The largest number of changes can be made in the area of “Tone,” which is not a scored criterion used by the quality evaluation firm, but is commented on in their reports. A letter’s tone can affect, decisively, the shareholder’s impression of a company’s correspondence and customer service efforts.

The firm also uses a criterion called “Content,” which involves the accuracy and completeness of the information provided. Although this is vitally important, it is not an issue with most of our system generated letters. With rare exceptions, the content of the letters is accurate. We have revised any paragraphs that contained outdated information. When points are deducted for this criterion, it is the result of mistakes made by correspondents. Therefore, any concerns about quality in this area must be addressed as quality control and training issues. “Typographical” errors, which are also tracked, have already been identified and corrected in some letters.

One of the problems identified in the letters is a lack of personalization. In many cases, the problem is a phrase that is unintentionally blunt or condescending. For example, many of the letters use the phrase “please note.” Although the intention of this phrase is to bring a key point to the shareholder’s attention, it may have the unintended effect of sounding overbearing or condescending. By replacing such phrases with more carefully worded sentences, we can create a vision of a service operation based on concern for each individual shareholder.

Another way to personalize letters is through the use of variables that prompt the correspondent to add account specific information. Many of our letters already include such prompts, but a significant number would benefit substantially by adding this. By including such details as the name of a shareholder’s bank or the check number of a check submitted for investment, we impress upon the letter’s recipient the fact that we are giving his or her account careful attention.

In addition to revising the wording of many letters, we can enhance their clarity by using “distinguishing markers.” This includes bold print, italics and bullet points.

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The use of these markers can draw the reader’s attention to important points without detracting from the letter’s courteous tone. Although some letters currently use these highlighting techniques, there are many more that should use them. Another potential area for improvement is the elimination of redundant letters. There are several letters that closely resemble each other. The addition of a variable to one of them would allow us to remove several others from the database, which would make the database much more efficient and manageable for correspondents by reducing the number of choices that they must make.

Each system generated letter is composed of two or more preformed paragraphs. Any changes made to the individual paragraphs, therefore, will affect the letters. The problems caused by the overabundance of letters, which makes that database extremely challenging to use, can be solved, or at least mitigated, by combining letters with many similarities. At the discretion of a correspondent, the paragraphs can be inserted separately in a letter.

Although this document is divided into a variety of sections, each of which deals with a different topic, we want to emphasize that some examples are used in multiple sections. There are other examples that could reasonably be included in more than one section, but we have chosen to include them in only the section for which they offered the clearest insight into a problem.

The overarching goal of the project is to consider our reaction to a letter if we were shareholders. This is a point that has been strongly emphasized by the outside firm that evaluates our quality and is one of their guiding philosophical points. As the letters stand now, the application of this principle to most of them would result in an unsatisfactory response.

Trends

Our review and analysis has revealed several trends that we must eliminate. The effects of these trends range from dissatisfaction among shareholders to frustration among our staff. In this section we will offer a high level list of the trends, each of which will be explored much more extensively later in the document.

  • Too many letters use a “Passive” rather than “Active” tone.
  • Many letters use phrases that could create a feeling of animosity toward our company among shareholders.

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  • We lack letters about several subjects that our correspondents must write about frequently.
  • Although some letters highlight key information with bold print and other visual techniques, there are many more letters in which we have not taken advantage of these opportunities.
  • Many letters are titled in a very confusing way that makes them difficult to identify properly.
  • Our letter database contains so many letters that it cannot be used effectively and easily.

Tone

A letter’s tone communicates important information in a subtle way. It lets a shareholder know what kind of service the fund company is committed to providing. We have

identified the specific problem with the tone in each letter and have offered detailed suggestions. For each paragraph, or group of paragraphs with similar flaws, we will also explain why the proposed change of tone will improve our relationship with our customers.

The following paragraphs employ phrases that are too formal, and formulaic sounding, to be compatible with our goals. Depending on the reaction of the individual shareholder who receives one of these letters, they could be interpreted as harsh, condescending or indifferent to the shareholder’s situation:

  • R 4 = In this paragraph, we inform a shareholder of an important, and restrictive, measure that we have taken regarding his or her account: “Please be advised that Johnson Investments has placed a stop purchase on a number of your accounts.” The phrase “Please be advised” sounds too formal and impersonal. It also could be construed as condescending. This can be replaced with “We would like to inform you.” This letter also contains the following phrase: “Per the fund’s prospectus.”

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This sounds very blunt. We could change it to “According to the prospectus of the ~ name of mutual fund ~…”

  • ST-Trading and ST-Trading2 = These are similar to R-4 and use “Please be advised that, after reviewing activity on your account, Johnson

Investments has placed a stop purchase on your account(s).” Both have the same

unintended result as Reject 4.

  • RMD = This provides a substantial amount of information about distribution options, which could be confusing or overwhelming for shareholders. Instead of ensuring that we offset this with a personalized tone, it states “Please be advised that if you have more than one retirement account…” This can also be changed to “We would like to inform you,” “We would like to let you know” or “We wish to inform you.” We could also use “To help you with this” to preface one of these suggested phrases.
  • TLR = This states “Please be advised that if your payment is not received…your loan will be considered in default.” This is one of many examples that form a trend of using a negative phrase to emphasize a point that is already being emphasized by the use of bold print. We could simply delete “Please be advised that” and start the bolded sentence with “If.” To soften what could be seen as an ultimatum, we could preface that with “We would like to ensure that you are aware…”
  • D-17 = This informs the shareholder about his or her loan agreement: “Please be advised that the Loan Collateral Control Agreement will remain in effect…” In this sentence, we can simply state that “The Loan Collateral Control Agreement will remain in effect…”
  • G-4 = This account balance paragraph states “…please be advised that on ~ Enter price date ~, the total number of shares…” We could replace “please be advised” with “we wish to inform you.”
  • O-16 = This paragraph opens with “Please be aware that currently you have…” The phrase “Please be aware” strikes a tone that could be interpreted as critical. It could be perceived as meaning “you should know this.” This is especially unfortunate because this is the opening sentence of the body of the letter. This could be changed to “You currently have…” because that sentence is simply providing “matter of fact” information about beneficiaries.
  • S-1 and S-3 = By replacing “Be sure to answer” with “We ask that you answer” we can ensure that the instructions will not sound as though we are giving the

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client an order. The phrase “Be sure to answer” may be interpreted as condescending.

  • S-2 and S-4 = These vary slightly by saying “Be sure your client answers…”
  • O-17 = In this paragraph, we state “In order to change your account’s beneficiary designation, please complete the enclosed Beneficiary Designation form. Please

be sure to fill out all appropriate sections and sign the form exactly as the

account is registered.” This opens on a positive note because of the phrase

“please complete,” but quickly falters with the phrase “Please be sure.” Although

“please” can often set a positive tone, its use does not always have that effect. In

this example, the phrase “be sure” is still sufficiently negative to offset the

positive effect of prefacing it with “please.” This sentence can be shortened and

improved by changing it to “Please fill out all appropriate sections and sign the

form exactly as the account is registered.”

  • D-21 = This begins positively by letting the shareholder know that we intend to help him or her by explaining how to avoid delays, but its effect is dampened by the same phrase used in the preceding example: “In order to expedite the processing of the distribution, please be sure to complete each highlighted section and sign the form as indicated.” The deletion of “be sure,” although it appears to be a small change, would offer significant benefits for the tone.
  • ST-9 and 11= These open with “Please be advised that, after reviewing activity on your account, Johnson Investments has placed a stop purchase on your account(s).” We could replace “Please be advised” with “We would like to inform you…” This strikes a somewhat more personalized tone by referring directly to ourselves as “We” and directly to the shareholder as “you.”

The phrases singled out in the following paragraphs sound harsher than the ones in the preceding section, because most of them rely on the stock phrase “Please note.” In some cases, the negative impression is amplified by using bold print to highlight the sentence containing this phrase:

  • O- 4 = This implores the shareholder to “Please note that all account shareholders must sign the card exactly as their names are shown in the account registration.” We can remove “Please note that” and leave the remainder of the sentence as it is. The remainder of the sentence is “all account shareholders must sign the card exactly as theirnames are shown in the account registration.” The bold print accomplishes the task of emphasizing this information.

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  • O-12 and O-13 = These paragraphs point out important information by stating “You will note that the numbers listed below correspond with the spaces provided on the form.” This sounds harsh and overbearing, which contrasts unfavorably with the two preceding sentences. The paragraph begins with “Thank you for your interest in the Johnson Investments checkwriting program.” This is

followed by “Please provide the following information on the enclosed

Association Form to add the checkwriting service to your Johnson account.” The

positive tone established by the first two sentences is disrupted by the sentence

that begins with “You will note.” The sentence could state “The numbers listed

below correspond with the spaces provided on the form.”

They also include “Please note that all trustees must sign the

card exactly as their names are shown in the account registration.”

  • Tr-3 and Tr-4 = These paragraphs state “Please note that we are unable to…” We should remove “please note” to ensure that we do not have a condescending tone. The emphasis meant to be conveyed by this can be replaced by highlighting all, or even part of, the sentence.
  • O-7 = In this paragraph, there are two negative phrases used. The first is “Please note that all account trustees must sign the card exactly as their names are shown in the account registration.” That is followed later by the sentence “You will note that the numbers listed below correspond with the spaces provided on the form.” This is similar to the negative note struck by “Please note.” Unfortunately, the care given to numbering the form will not generate the expected positive impression because of “You will note.” The first sentence can simply begin “All account trustees” and the bold print will ensure that no one will overlook it. The second sentence quoted here can begin with “The numbers listed” and by using bold print for one key word, such as “correspond,” there will be little risk of anyone not comprehending the point we are making.
  • S-1, S-2, S-3 and S- 4 = These paragraphs all state “Please note that Johnson Investments no longer issues physical certificates.” We could change this to “We would like to inform you that Johnson no longer issues physical certificates.”
  • R- 6 = In response to a request to investigate what happened to a check, we state “Please note that the check was endorsed and subsequently processed.” The phrase “Please note” may communicate a tone of condescension. In this letter, it contrasts sharply and unfavorably with the first two sentences. The letter begins “Thank you for your recent inquiry regarding your Johnson Investments account.”

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We have researched your request and have enclosed a photocopy of the check in question.” The favorable foundation created by the tone of those two sentences is damaged by the sentence beginning with the phrase “Please note.”

  • R-12 = This informs the letter’s recipient, who is not a Johnson Investments shareholder, “To determine the transfer agent’s name and address, refer to a

recent statement of your account. If you cannot locate any recent records, please

contact your Broker or Fund directly.” The phrase “refer to a recent statement”

connotes an order being given. A completely different tone can be created by

using “please” or “we ask that you.” The new tone will be characterized by an

implicit understanding that, even though we are not corresponding with one of our

shareholders, every letter we write is an opportunity to imprint the image of our

skills and values in the mind of its recipient.

  • Research 2 = This paragraph implores the shareholder to “Note that the information is strictly historical in nature.” We could simply state “This information is strictly historical in nature.”
  • Option 9 = This example directs the recipient’s attention to crucial information: “Please note that all account shareholders must sign the card exactly as their names are shown in the account registration.” This strikes an overbearing tone by combining a negative phrase with bold print. The simplest solution is to remove “Please note that.”

The following paragraphs tell the recipient that something is “not acceptable.” This is unduly harsh and seems likely to foster resentment in some shareholders and brokers. In some of these paragraphs, we are attempting preemptively to ensure that we will not be presented with a guarantee, in the form of notarization, that we cannot accept.