Professor Weber ED11

Research Paper

Professor Weber ED11

“One out of every two marriages today ends in divorce and many divorcing families include children. Parents who are getting a divorce are frequently worried about the effect the divorce will have on their children. During this difficult period, parents may be preoccupied with their own problems, but continue to be the most important people in their children’s lives” (parent articles page 8). The focus within many families should primarily be the concern of the child’s well being. Unfortunately, this is not always the case.

Coming from a divorced household, I know first-hand how hard a divorce can be on a child. My parents were divorced when I was only two years old. These early childhood years are the most crucial of times. Feelings of neglect and abandonment were introduced to me at a very early stage in my life. While I was at my prime of exploration, I was never granted that ability. The constant mobility from babysitter to babysitter was enough to make an adult feel unwanted. The absence of security made my childhood miserable.

This feeling of abandonment is a common fear amongst children of divorced households. A child of about 3-4 years of age, although progressing physically, may begin to regress mentally. As insecurity floods the child’s surrounding environment, he/she begins to notice the loss of the parent. “Preschoolers may fear being left alone or abandoned altogether. They may show baby-like behavior, such as wanting their security blanket or old toys. They may deny that anything has changed, or they may become uncooperative, depressed, or angry. Although they want the security of being near an adult, they may act disobedient and aggressive” (ceinfo.unh.edu page 1)

I remember firmly grasping a torn blanket and a dirty doll. For most children, old toys are a major security component. These objects remind them of the earliest memories they have, and by attaching themselves both mentally and physically to the object, the child feels secure. The need for a nurturing relationship is at its most intense stage. Children who show much more than the usual anxiety when separated from caregivers may be diagnosed with early cases of separation anxiety disorders.

According to studies of the DSM-IV tests from the American Psychiatric Association, some symptoms of separation anxiety disorder are as follows: “Excessive distress when separated from home or caregivers or when anticipating separation. Persistent and excessive worry about losing, or harm coming to, caregivers. Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to school or elsewhere because of fear of separation. Excessive fear about being alone. Reluctance to go to sleep without caregivers nearby. Repeated nightmares involving themes of separation. Repeated complaints of physical symptoms when separation from caregivers occurs or is anticipated.”

A constant change of environment can also lead the child to anxiety. Once a routine is established and trust exists between both the caregivers and the child, mobility can be slowly introduced. This will become the way of life and known to the child as familiar behavior. During my experience with divorce, I was constantly changing homes. There was no sense of security due to the fact that I not only got shifted between family members, such as my grandmother, mother, and my father, but also being shifted through the country. My mother lived in Atlanta, Georgia, which made the constant change of scenery even more difficult; fright was involved. I had to overcome the fear of flying alone at the age of five.

As a result of feeling caught in the middle of both parents, there was not one person in which I was capable of feeling secure enough to talk to. Each visit was not long enough to develop a bond. There was no room for being “the baby.” This in result, made my actions toward my parents very hostile. I was in need of affection, not to mention some type of attention. “At the age of about 3-4 years, the child has fewer social outlets to turn to in crisis. Thus, the role of the parents is of utmost importance. Since these children better understand divorce than do younger children, they are more likely to grieve and feel sadness” (parent articles page 4).

Confusion was a major factor in my childhood. I was very concerned about fault. This is common among children. Because of the immense amount of egocentricity, the child automatically assumes the role as the criminal rather than the victim. The attempt of reassurance from a family member, or parent for that matter, is not enough. “Children are egocentric by design. When they are involved in divorce situations, they naturally assume that they have somehow played a crucial role in the destruction of their own families. As a parent, it is up to you to talk to your child and explain that no matter what the child is thinking or feeling, the divorce is not the child’s fault” (www.essortment.com page 1).

To feel guilty about a certain circumstance, such as divorce, is hard enough on a child. In most cases, the child retains the logic that “if I can break them up, maybe I can bring them back together”. This can be the most devastating part about a child’s recovery from divorce. Reason being, this thought of reunion between both parents will only set the child up for even more disappointment. “As preschoolers, especially between the ages of three and six, thoughts tend to be egocentric. Children tend to blame themselves for the divorce. While these children might feel responsible for the divorce, they may also feel they have the power to reunite the parents” (parent articles page 4).

During my time of constant mobility, my mother (whom I stayed with for the very first long length of time) proceeded to neglect me. I was alone at the age of seven at night. This way of life forced me to be independent. I was responsible for cooking my own meals at night as well as completing my homework. To feel accepted rather than rejected from my main guardian, my mother, I never complained. When parents overlook children, it is common that the child does not hesitate to take on unreasonable responsibilities. The child wants to be assured that he/she is not displeasing the guardian/parent in any way for fear of rejection and further abandonment.

At the most imperative period of growth, a child who is a victim of a divorce situation should be cared for in a very specific matter. Constant reassurance of love and care must always be granted as well as reinstated. Gratification and praise to the child is vital to encourage the growth of a healthy child/parent relationship. “Post-divorce, the child most likely needs more emotional support than ever before. It is also a time when parents often become less available. Parents need to make a conscious effort to support the child’s needs” (parent articles page 3).

By including the child in everyday routine activities, the parent can help the child overcome the rejecting feeling of divorce. Routines such as eating out or outdoor activities may be appealing to the child and encourage a growth in affection towards that parent. Hopefully, the two parties can be civil and exhibit kind and appropriate interactions in front of the child.

The uncomfortable ness among parents can add unnecessary stress to the child. The feeling of being torn between two parents can be devastating and traumatizing. The ability to feel at ease when with both parents would be acceptable. Although children cannot understand the concept of reunion, they fantasize about having the power to accomplish such a task. They are still at too harsh of an egocentric time in their lives to realize that reunion would not be instant gratification. The child just sees this as a good circumstance for him/her.

It is primarily up to the parents to support changes in life, such as divorce. This does not always have to be a devastating time. Although this is not usually a happy point in someone’s life, being able to smooth the edges for a child’s well being makes the world of difference. Parents must take in consideration the happiness and comfortableness of the child before themselves. I have discovered that support and affection are the two major factors that should be granted to a child, especially at this crucial time in his/her life.

Bibliography

“Divorce and It’s Effects on Children”

<http://www.wam.umd.edu/>

“The Effects of Divorce on Children”

<http://www.ceinfo.unh.edu/>

“Effects of Divorce on Children”

<http://ut.essortment.com/>

“Children and Divorce”

<http://www.notmykid.org/>

“DSM-IV Symptoms of Separation Anxiety Disorder”