PREDICTABLE EXPERIENCES GIVE KIDS a FEELING of CONTROL the Method Was Simple, Yet It Conveyed

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On a scorching Saturday in Philadelphia, when the temperature in our backyard neared 100 degrees Fahrenheit, I dragged out the hose and turned on the sprinkler. Soon my wife, Mandy, and our three small children came out. Lara, then 5, and Nikki, 2 ½, doffed their dresses and raced, shrieking with delight, through the arcs of cold water. Darryl, just 11 months, crawled in the direction of all this fun and sat in his diaper just out of the water's reach.
When the first arc of water spattered him, he looked startled. Twenty seconds later, when the next arc arrived, he looked bewildered. The third arc brought a whimper, and with the fourth he began to cry. His distress galvanized Mandy into action. First she turned the water pressure down several notches.
"Whooooosh," sang Mandy into his ear as she crouched behind him, her volume increasing with the approach of the next arc. After a few more, Darryl smiled. With his customary buoyant mood restored, Mandy stood him up and, "whoosh"-ing all the while, held his fingers out to the edge of the spray. At the next "whoosh" Darryl tentatively reached his own hand out. Next he grabbed at the spray with both hands. Finally he toddled right into the path of spray, joining his big sisters in their joyful romp.

PREDICTABLE EXPERIENCES GIVE KIDS A FEELING OF CONTROL
The method was simple, yet it conveyed a powerful message to Darryl. By giving him a way to predict when the arcs of water would hit (the rising "whoosh") and by allowing him to control how close he came to them, Mandy was laying the foundations of lifelong optimism in our son.
Little by little during early childhood, experiences of predictability and control such as Darryl's build an optimistic outlook. By optimism I don't mean seeing the glass as half full or chanting affirmations to yourself or visualizing the golf ball dropping into the cup. My definition of optimism is simply the belief that setbacks are temporary and can be overcome by our own actions.
Why is optimism such an important quality to develop at an early age? Studies of thousands of children show that those who are pessimistic are much more prone to depression--both in childhood and in adulthood--than those who are optimistic. Setbacks plummet pessimists into helplessness and despair, whereas optimists roll up their sleeves and find ways around these obstacles.
When I train adults and older children to be optimistic, I teach them to recognize and dispute their own negative thinking. For instance, an adult who thinks, "My boss is a tyrant," can change this thought to "My boss was just in a bad mood." However, very young children do not yet have the cognitive skills to do this. For preschool children, parents must use age-appropriate methods to gently and lovingly sow the seeds of optimism.
The three crucial building blocks of optimism are mastery, positivity, and explanatory style. These concepts are drawn from research on "learned helplessness," which demonstrates that lack of control over events leads to passivity and depression in both animals and people.
It appears that when nothing you do can affect an outcome, you learn to give up and feel sad. But when you do have control--when there is a contingency between your actions and the outcome--both your activity and your enjoyment increase. In other words, it's not the noise of the rattle that makes a baby laugh, it's the fact that she's rattling the rattle!
Opportunities abound for parents to help their children develop mastery. For instance, when a child faces a daunting new task, you can break the challenge down into small, achievable steps, starting with a level she can easily control. That's how we taught our daughter Lara to help with the grocery shopping. At 3, she had her own little toy cart that she wheeled around the store. We put a few groceries in it, which she placed on the counter herself. Later on, she helped us write our shopping list and took more of the items in her cart. Now, at 6, she makes out the list the day before, reads it to us as we shop, pays the clerk, and counts out change.
The most significant area in which a child can learn to feel either helpless or masterful is in interactions with other people. You can make sure that your child, even as an infant, has some control over social situations. Don't let her cry on and on when she's hungry or wet. (Learning that crying brings relief is one of the foundations of mastery.) Vocalize to your infant in response to her vocalizing, and see if you can get her to take turns "talking" with you. When reading to her, encourage her to point to pictures, and then talk about them.
From age 2 on, playing at adult roles offers opportunities for social mastery. Playing mommy, daddy, or doctor provides surrogate control for children, especially when they act out a conflict in their own lives. Items such as toy kitchens, workbenches, dollhouses, and dress-up clothes facilitate this kind of play.

MAKE PRAISE CONTINGENT ON YOUR CHILD'S EFFORTS
Positivity is the second building block of optimism. Whereas mastery is about action, positivity is about feelings--the feeling of growing up in a warm emotional atmosphere. Wanting kids to feel loved has always been a strong motivation for parents, and the way most of us have been taught to do this is to offer unconditional praise and approval.
But offering praise that is not contingent on anything the child does can undermine his sense of mastery. Though kids who constantly receive noncontingent rewards do not become depressed like those who experience unpredictable negative events, they do become passive and lethargic. Because praise will come regardless of what they do, such children may have trouble believing sincere praise when they really do succeed.
What should be delivered unconditionally are love, warmth, and ebullience. The more of these, the more positive the atmosphere, and the more secure your child will be. But praise is a different matter. Praise your child after a success, not just to make him feel better. For instance, wait until he finishes his Lego building before saying, "What a good palace for Aladdin!" But don't treat a perfectly normal achievement like this as if it were an amazing feat. Save your expression of highest praise for a major accomplishment, like using a knife and fork--or chopsticks!
Even in a warm, happy home, it is possible for a child to have a gloomy mental life. What really matters in the end is how much positivity there is inside his head. How many good thoughts and bad thoughts occur each day? Two University of Pittsburgh psychologists studying depression decided to quantify this ratio. Using 27 different studies, they found that depressed people had an equal ratio: one bad thought to one good thought. Nondepressed people had roughly twice as many good thoughts as bad thoughts. Is there anything you can do to help your child to increase the ratio of good thoughts to bad thoughts?
Those minutes you have with your child right before he falls asleep can be the most precious of the day. In our household we use this time to do "bedtime nuggets," a review of the good things and bad things that happened that day. My wife or I will ask, "What did you like doing today?" Nikki, almost 3, needs some prompting, but Lara usually has a cascade of good events[cont. on p.112]
ready to talk about. We also ask, "Did anything bad happen today?" and empathize with the answers. Invariably, the good events far outnumber the bad. The last thoughts a child has before drifting into sleep are rich in visual imagery, and they become the material of dreams. Bedtime nuggets, we believe, provide a foundation of a positive mental life, to say nothing of creating "sweet dreams."

KIDS PICK UP ON PARENTS' OPTIMISTIC OR PESSIMISTIC STYLE
By age 3, many children are clearly trying to figure out causal relationships--their favorite expressions are "Why?" and "'Cuz." At some point a consistent explanatory style emerges from the welter of different causes, and the child's explanations typically become either pessimistic or optimistic. Preschoolers tune in to parents' explanatory styles--the way you and your spouse talk, argue, or criticize, for instance. Kids also pick up the style of book, movie, and cartoon characters and learn to talk like, say, Ariel or Babar.
You might imagine that you can directly teach your child to express herself optimistically, but this is not the case. Children this age can't think critically about their own negative thoughts. But, amazingly, they can sort through exactly the same tangle when it is experienced by a friend or a fictional character. Externalizing the situation onto a stuffed animal or puppet can help children make optimistic explanations.
For instance, a few months ago, our younger daughter, Nikki, was having a very hard time when her big sister began to take ballet classes. Nikki wanted desperately to go but was too young to attend. Instead of feeling[cont. on p.114]
hopeful that this was a situation that would change in time, she felt deprived right then. So I told Nikki a story about Flopsy, her toy rabbit, which dealt with some of her feelings and helped her see the situation more optimistically: "'I know,' said Mummy to Flopsy. 'Let's buy you some blue ballet slippers, and then you can practice with your big sister after class. If the teacher sees how big you got and how well you dance, maybe she will let you go to class in September when you're only 3. That's not too long to wait, is it?' Flopsy thought this was a great idea and felt much better." So did Nikki.
Learning optimism in early childhood is not a cure-all. It will not substitute for the development of other qualities, such as moral values, ambition, or empathy. But in the presence of these qualities, optimism is a powerful tool. The belief that "I can make a difference, and I'm going to try" is the catalyst that makes both individual accomplishment and loving relationships possible.
Added material
Martin E. P. Seligman, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, collaborated with Karen Reivich, Jane Gillham, Ph.D., and Lisa Jaycox, Ph.D., on the Penn Depression Prevention Project.
Mastery starts with a baby's discovery that she can control the rattle's sound ...
... and increases as a 1-year-old sees that his actions have an impact on the world.
The thrill of "I did it myself!" inspires a toddler to reach for even greater heights.
Real grown-up tasks broken down into kid-friendly steps build on a child's early feelings of mastery.
Positivity grows from moments of intimacy, like talking at bedtime about the events of the day.
Optimistic thinking can be enhanced through play and storytelling.

TIPS TO INCREASE MASTERY
Allow your child as much room as possible to explore. Don't leave him strapped in a stroller or high chair for long periods. Keep enlarging his safe play space to include more areas of the house and yard.
Choose toys that operate only in response to your child's actions, such as rattles, blocks, baby gyms, trucks, dress-up dolls, musical instruments, peg people, and books or toys that sound when the child hits them or pushes buttons. Interactive computer games are excellent vehicles of mastery. Toys that make noise but are not contingent on your child's actions do not promote mastery--nor do radio or TV.
Feed your infant on demand. Give eating utensils as early as possible, and lots of finger food--the mess is a minor trade-off for the added sense of control. Helping with family chores builds competence. Start rudimentary cooking early; a 1-year-old can stir batter and a 2-year-old can make shapes out of dough.
As soon as your child is old enough to indicate "yes" or "no," build in choice wherever possible. Don't, for example, just push the spoon in his mouth. Hold it out until he actively shows that he wants it.

WBN: 9524401273019

Source: Parents (01950967), Sep1995, Vol. 70 Issue 9, p108, 5p
Item: 9508244520