Pirates of the Caribbean: the Virus of Silent Hill
RESIDENT SILENT PIRATE HILL HANDS FROM HELL-
Scene one.
Port Royal.
Jack Sparrow: Edward Scissorhands… could you really be in this town…?
James: Quite possibly, I mean-
Jack Sparrow: (Ignoring him) I got a letter… it said, “From your brother, Edward Scissorhands…” That’s ridiculous… couldn’t possibly be true… someone with scissors for hands can’t write a letter… then why am I here? Why am I in Port Royal again… (reading the letter) “…In our special place…. Waiting for you…” This town… it’s not full of special places… hell, we never even came here once together… than why am I here…?
James: You tell me, I’m the one who was trying to tell you-
Jack: You forgot one valuable thing, mate. (James gives him an odd look) I’m Captain Jack Sparrow!
James: If I may be so bold to make… the TINIEST suggestion…
Jack: … Aye…?
James: Edward said he’d be in RACOON CITY. Not… PORT ROYAL.
Jack: … only a little.
James: …What are you, drunk?!
Jack: (humming) A pirates life for me…
Scene two.
Standing on the Port Royal docks.
Jack Sparrow: Hoist the sails, ye scurvy dog!
James: As soon as we get on the ship, trust me, I will.
Jack Sparrow: Ah… o’course. Tell me, how far would you go to save your bonny lass?
James: Mary’s dead. She died of that damned disease three years ago.
Jack Sparrow: Perfect.
James: What?
Jack Sparrow: Perfect. I already HAVE a ship so we don’t be needing to commandeer one so that you can risk dying because yer wantin’ to die for yer buxon beauty. Savvy?
James: Aren’t you… Maria?
Jack Sparrow: You’ve forgotten one very important thing again, mate. I’m Captain Jack Sparrow!
James: You could be her twin! Your voice, your face, just your hair and clothes are different… and your voice and hair…[is also different]
Jack Sparrow: Ahh…. So we’ll be boardin’ that ship now, eh?
James: Sounds good to me.
(Jack and James walk onboard, but Jack stops dead in his tracks and stares down
at the ground.)
Jack: Arrr….What is it…?
James: What is it?
Jack: Blood.
James: I hope it’s not... Chris’ blood.
Jack: (screaming) Stay alert!!!!!!!!
James: (jumps) Ahh!
Jack: Scared already, are we?
James: No, I believe you. It's just...I guess I really don't care if it's
dangerous or not. I'm going to town either way.
Jack: Good.
James: I’ll go… check over there…
(James enters a door and finds a zombie chewing on Will Turner’s neck. James screams and runs back to tell Jack)
James: Jack watch out! It’s a monster!
Jack: Arrrgh, let ME take care of it! (Jack draws his cutlass and cuts off the zombies head) What in the depths WAS that thing….?
James: I don’t know…. But it MIGHT have killed Will… I would really hate to be point the finger, or even worse… be a taddle-tale…
Jack: (sadly) You done what’s right for you…(a beat) Let’s be setting off now, mate.
James: Aye-I mean, yes. Yes, I am, Jack.
Scene three.
Captain Wesker: Kill Sparrow and Sunderland… and this time… no mistakes.
LeChuck: Aye-aye, Captain… but what do you be plannin’ to do with the Mansion in Racoon Forest?
Captain Wesker: I’ll burn it, along with all the other evidence…
LeChuck: But… ahh… what about, you know who?
Captain Wesker: (blushes) I’ll be –uh-… securing its safety prior to destroying the mansion…. It’s under control…
LeChuck: O’course. I’ll be shovin’ off to send Sparrow and Sunderland down to the crushing black oblivion of Davey Jones’ locker than…
Captain Wesker: Affirmative.
Scene four.
Tortuga.
[Several men are being satisfied by several hooker-ish women.]
Hannah: (pouring beer into a mans mouth and laughing) Drink up, me pretty,
soon is the promised time…
The man: Actually I have to be leaving.
All the other men: Yeah me too.
Glen: (To Amanda) See you honey, I’ll be back as soon as I can get these jeans off.
(The hookers are left all alone in the street. Suddenly, a noise is heard)
Hannah: Maybe it’s the crows… they’ve come to take me to their castle keep…
Amanda: Maybe I can sex it! I’ll go check what it is…
Hannah: …Whatever. I’ll sit here in my cacoon of pain and loneliness and barbed wire… just in case it IS the crows, you know…
Amanda: Yeah, whatever. (Amanda walks offstage. A beat. Suddenly, a scream!)
Scene five.
The Black Pearl, with Jack and James again.
[James is yawning, and it is obvious he has just gotten up. Jack is already awake and doing a nice job of steering the ship.]
James: Where were you last night, Jack?
Jack: Steering.
James: But we had the ship tied up at the docks all night…?
Jack: I’m Captain Jack Sparrow… Savvy?
James: Yeah, ALRIGHT, I know you’re Captain Jack Sparrow already.
Jack: James, mate… what’s up with you…? You’re not even remotely interested in
treasure… not even the type that isn’t gold and silver…
James: … Mary… she died of that DAMNED disease three years ago.
Jack: And which disease would THAT be?
James: … It’s a long story… she was… she was living another life. One I didn’t… know about…
Jack: Crabs…The whore… The-
James: No…! It wasn’t like that. She was a scientist. Worked on… bio-chemical warfare, or something like that… I promised I’d take her to Racoon City again… but the virus took her first…
[Suddenly, LeChuck flies onto the deck and tries to kill Jack and James.]
James: You're not friends with that red, pyramid thing, are you'
LeChuck: Red pyramid thing? I don't know what ye be talkin' about.
[Big sword fight…ends with James whipping out a chainsaw, screaming, and cutting off LeChucks head.]
Jack: You certainly got a few tricks up yer sleeve, ay?
James: … Where WERE you last night, Jack… I couldn’t find you anywhere….
Jack: I told ye, I was-
James: No lies. Don’t lie to me Jack. I’ve already had to deal with losing a wife and I don’t want to lose you too.
Jack: Welcome to the Caribbean, love.
[James breaks down into sobs before finally running off-stage. Meanwhile, Jack walks over to LeChuck’s lifeless body… he finds several documents and pockets most of them, but begin’s reading one…]
Jack: “Today hungry and ate doggy food… Maria came, ugly face so I killed her… itchy… hungry…” What the---? This letter… it’s addressed to James! [looks around shiftily] Better keep this, save the guy an emotional breakdown. [pockets it, and examines the other pirate literature] This is only for reading.
Scene six.
On a ship, just near The island that Barbosa made Jack Captain of 10 years ago.
Jack: All hands, abandon ships!
James: If only that weird ship with all the zombie pirates hadn’t have been so hostile!
Jack: Aye!
[James and Jack jump into the ocean and swim to shore. Jack lies on the beach looking depressed for several hours]
James: That's it, then? That's the secret? The grand adventure of Captain Jack Sparrow? You spent three days lying on the beach drinking rum. Only there is no rum… why is the rum gone…? ANYWAY… you spent three days lying on a beach…
Jack: No, actually. I found some chemicals lying about on the beach and used them to barter my way off the island.
James: And who did you barter them to?!?!
Jack: [shrugs] Some dude… now that I think of it… he did look oddly like… my nemesis, Captain Wesker… oh well…
James:… Captain Wesker?! You idiot! Now he has the chemicals and is using them to create a race of super-zombie pirates! Crimson heads! Well I’m sure they’d have Crimson heads if it weren’t for their dainty little Pirate hats… [starts sounding angry again] You moron! Now were trapped here, in this insane asylum!
Jack: But how can you say it is this island that is insane? Maybe we are the ones who are insane. Both of us… hopelessly insane…
James: God, lighten up. I may have a problem with alcohol but I still think you need a little.
Jack: That’s it!
James: What’s it?
Jack: I dunno, I was making shapes out of the clouds. That one’s a beaver, that’s all.
James: [sighs] Alright then.
Jack: No, wait, now that we’re on this island, take this letter. It’s addressed to you.
James: [reading] “In my restless dreams, I see that town
Silent Hill.
You promised you’d take me there again some day.
But you didn’t… just like those dogs…
I’m itchy hungry now
Waiting in special place
Itchy
Hungry
Maria came ugly face so I killed her
Itchy… tasty…”
Jack HOW could you not tell me about this before?! This is from Mary! And it’s from two days ago!
Jack: Wow. Same with my letter from Edward Scissorhands.
James: We HAVE to get to Silent Racoon Hill island…
Jack: The only rules that really matter are these: what a man can do and what a man can't do. For instance, you can accept that your wife was a zombie and a good wife or you can't. But zombie STDS are in your blood, boy, so you'll have to square with that some day. And me, for example, I can let you sunbake on the sand here, but I can't bring this ship into Tortuga all by me onesies, savvy? So, can you sail under the command of a pirate, or can you not?
James: Tortuga?
Jack: Aye… Torturga… That’s the one you mentioned before right?
James: No. I said “Silent Racoon Hill”. You know, where your brother and my wife are.
Jack: Aye… Silent Racoon Hill Island… now…let’s rope a couple a sea-turtles…
Scene seven.
That Sassy Mansion in Silent Racoon Hill.
Captain Wesker: They shall be arriving soon… just as expected. LeChuck, send out the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees.
LeChuck: We don’t have none, Captain.
Wesker: Then just send out the bloody zombie dogs!
LeChuck: AYE! That’s all you had to say, Captain!
Wesker: Bloody Pirate.
LeChuck: Eh! I heard that!
[Suddenly, Pyramid head emerges from a room, moaning.]
Wesker: Very good. Pyramid Head; go with LeChuck. He’ll be disposing of Sunderland and Sparrow… you’ll be making sure of that. [LeChuck looks as though he is about to protest, but Wesker keeps talking] Now both of you, get to work… [As they exit, Wesker says quietly] We need to be alone…
Scene eight.
The shore of Silent Racoon Hill Island.
James: What started out as a simple rescue mission turned into… a nightmare…
Jack: Edward Scissorhands… could you really be on this Island? [a beat] Hello… what’s this? [He spots something in the bushes and walks off to investigate. James follows]
James: Bravo teams ship… A derelict…
Jack: Safer than the remaining body of Kevin…
James: Let’s all have one minute of silence.
[James and Jack are silent for some time, but then a noise can be heard.]
Jack: How ‘bout a little RESPECT?
James: It wasn’t me…! I swear! [Suddenly, zombie dogs start running at them]
Jack: Quick! Make for that mansion!
James: JOSEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scene nine. Entering the Mansion.
Jack: There are only two of us left now. James and myself. We don’t know where Barry is.
James: Who?
Jack: Forget I said anything!
James: … alright…
[James and Jack begin looking around the entrance to the mansion, when a loud scraping noise can be heard.]
Jack: Edward… no…
James: Let’s go check it out…
[They enter the room where the noise came from. It’s a dining room.]
James: [angrily] a DINING room!
[Enter Pyramid Head. He advances towards Jack.]
James: Stop! Leave him alone! Leave us both the hell alone!
[Pyramid Head stabs Jack.]
James: Noooooooooooooo!!! [James drops to his knees]
James: I was weak. That's why I needed you.... Needed someone to punish me
for my sins.... But that's all over now.... I know the truth.... Now it's time to end this….
[James looks as though he will battle Pyramid Head. Pyramid head gets all ready for battle but James just runs away screaming]
James: Ahhhh!!!
Scene ten.
James is all puffed and has reached a large, important looking door. He gets ready to open it.
[Enter Jack]
Jack: Ye could have at least waited up for me, ye know. [Gives James a playful bif] C’mon, let’s get going.
James: Cool.
[They enter the door and see Wesker standing with Mary, and beside him is a tank filled with water and what appears to be a tyrant.]
James: Mary!
Jack: [at Mary] Well what do ye know…
Wesker: Ahh, Jack Sparrow. What a surprise, you made it this far without dying. Impressive.
James: Well, actually- [Wesker hits James]
Wesker: You will speak when spoken too.
[Enter Barbosa]
Barbosa: And ye will not lay a hand on anyone under the protection of Parle.
James: But I never said Parle-
Barbosa: Oh how embarrassing… excuse me for a minute, I need to go… this way…
[Exit Barbosa]
Wesker: Thankyou, Mary, you have served your purpose well.
[Mary nods]
James: Mary, why eliminate us? We spend the happiest years of our lives together, and this is how you repay me? By throwing your league in with him?
Mary: If all I’ve accomplished today is that the hangman has earned two pairs of boots today, then so be it. At least my conscious will be clear. Savvy?
James: But WHY eliminate us?
Mary: Believe it or not, that’s Captain Wesker and his crew’s intention.
Jack: …What ye be talking about?
Wesker: Oh, don’t blame Mary for everything. I hear that her better half and two lovely daughters will be in danger if she doesn’t do everything I tell her to do.
James: Better-half? Mary, aren’t I you’re better half?
Mary: … oh shit, yes. I’ve screwed up, haven’t I….?
Jack: Ehh… two lovely daughters? James never mentioned anything ‘bout kidlings.
Mary: Well, me and Edward Scissorhands have been doing some thinking-
James: BITCH!
Jack: So he’s alive-
Wesker: Shut up, all of you.
Jack: Wesker, you’re pathetic, mate.
Wesker: Well, you shouldn’t worry too much dear. You’ll be free of all this anyway.
James: But how do you know all that? Aren’t you… Wesker?
Wesker: I am… if you want me to be.
Jack: All we want from ye is an answer. Savvy?
Wesker: It doesn’t matter who I am… I’m here for you, Jack, see… [Wesker puts his hand on Jack’s face] I’m real… [Jack pulls away]
Jack: Look, Captain Wesker… I’m not really into…
Wesker: Good.
James: You and Barbosa’s zombie pirates took Jack’s brother, you bastard!
Wesker: Barbosa ...? Well, I used some carrots and sticks to cow him, but
it had nothing to do with his Zombie pirates or Jack. I just used Edward Scissorhands for my personal
interests. Though both you and Jack seemed to think I was following
Barbosa’s orders.
Jack: [To James] Did we…?
James: [Ignoring Jack] What? What are you planning?
Wesker: I guess it’s time for show and tell. [Wesker pushes several buttons. Finally, he beckons in BUTLER. Butler walks to a cloth covering the Tyrant Tank] Yes, it’s time, Butler.
Butler: I give you… SHRK! [Unveils the Tyrant Tank. Edward Scissorhands is in the tank, with his scissors looking all menacing. He taps at the glass and breaks it with his scissors.]
Butler: That was the wrong line… wasn’t it? [The Edward Scissorhands Tyrant claws at Butler and knocks him to the ground]
Wesker: The ultimate lifeform... Tyrant.
Jack: Ye couldn’t have been experimenting on pirates….?!
Wesker: It’s beautiful... *(walks over in front of the tank)*
James: For the sake of this thing...
Wesker: No, I don’t think you understand, James. Mary and I are not the only one’s with secrets. Captain Jack Sparrow, why don’t you tell James what you like to do of a night?
Jack: Well I –uh-
James: Jack…! Who’s side are you on?
Wesker: At the minute? A very ANGRY, prostitute-murdering side… tell him, Sparrow.
Jack: I admit it…! So I’ve killed the odd hooker in London… Tortuga… Port Royal… and taken a few souvenirs! Forgive me!
James: Jack…the ripper…! One or two bad deeds is not enough to redeem a life of crime…
Mary: Yet it seems enough to condemn him?
James: I was getting to that. Why, Wesker, why eliminate Captain Jack Sparrow… the ripper? What’s in it for you?
Wesker: Well, I’d hate to go out of business. [A beat] What, are you trying to say you intelligent young men never guessed I was a pimp? It’s all in the sunglasses. Anyway, too many of my bitches were being harmed… [Upon noticing everyone giving him odd looks] Well when I’m not being a fearsome pirate, I gotta find some other way to rake in the booty, right?
[Edward Scissorhands Tyrant walks towards Wesker]
Wesker: What? Pre-mature?
[Edward Scissorhands Tyrant slashes at Wesker, who screams like a girl. It then advances towards Mary, and knocks her to the ground. Now, it is facing Jack and James]
Jack: You see this wise, boy? Crossing blades with a pirate…?
James: Umm… I think he’s got you… beaten in the blades department…
Jack: Only a little…
[Mary suddenly gets up and runs to Edward Scissorhands, who embraces her… painfully]
James: Mary!
Mary: When will you EVER stop making that mistake. Mary’s a zombie. She’s as good as dead.
James: Maria? It’s you… But I don’t need you anymore. I have Jack!
Maria: Maria: What? You must be joking! But I can be yours... I'll be here for you forever.