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Peanut Butter Follies – A Play
By Carl Kloster
Carl KlosterCarl Kloster
Copyright 20053820-3 Pine Terrace
Kalamazoo, MI 49006
(269) 372-3503
CAST OF CHARACTERS
CHEWBACCACHILD
JACKSTAGEHAND
MAN IN AUDIENCE #1MAN IN AUDIENCE #2
JESUSCHOIR, about 3-4 people
OTHER AUDIENCE, about 2-3 peopleSANDWICH EARL
SANDWICH JESUS
TIME and PLACE
Present Day, in a theater, just like the one you regularly frequent.
By Carl Kloster
Peanut Butter Follies – A Play
Scene 1
(Spread out and seated in the first few rows of the audience should be MAN IN AUDIENCE #1 and MAN IN AUDIENCE #2, along with OTHER AUDIENCE. Keep two open seats next to MAN IN AUDIENCE #1. Lights up. On one side of the stage there is a tripod with a sign on it that says, “Peanut Butter Follies – A Play”. The stage is set up to look like a small park in a city, there is a bench in the middle and trees lining both sides. On the side opposite the tripod there is a water fountain. The fountain is actually a very large, poor looking bomb, complete with flashing light. A cherub duct taped to the top of the bomb is the only thing hiding it’s true nature. CHEWBACCA, dressed as the pope, and CHILD walk on stage. Both hold slurpees.)
CHILD
Oh, Most holy Chewbacca, is that an elephant in your slurpee?
CHEWBACCA
Raarrr Graah Garrrh.
CHILD
I see now. I am sorry for confusing elephants with gummi worms.
CHEWBACCA
Garrrah Rarrrah.
(JACK suddenly walks onstage. He’s a medium build man wearing a top hat, a button down flannel, and blue jeans. For some reason he is slightly dusty. He looks at the audience and pauses. JACK then slowly turns and looks at CHEWBACCA and CHILD.)
JACK
Go on, get!
(CHEWBACCA and CHILD get up and walk offstage. JACK turns to face the audience.)
JACK
Ladies and Gentlemen, I don’t want to alarm you but…
(JACK pauses and gives a look of over confidence in himself.)
There is a bomb on this stage set to blow in…
JACK (CON’T.)
(JACK gives a big friendly smile.)
Two minutes.
(Beat as JACK looks at the audience, points out the bomb, then looks back at the audience.)
Now, before you all go a panicking you should know that you’re with, The Best.
(JACK points to himself a lot.)
Ole’ Jack here can lick that bomb faster than a bullet made of tongues.
(Beat.)
And I can disarm it too.
(JACK winks largely with a big smile. He holds the wink for a beat before returning to his normal posture and chuckling. STAGEHAND runs on stage worried.)
STAGEHAND #1
Mr. Wyvern! We-
JACK
Yes, that is I. Jack Wyvern. Man for hire.
STAGEHAND
Mr. Wyvern, can’t you do something about the bomb? Before it goes off? I mean, the bomb squad is here and…
JACK
Bomb Squad? HA! I thought I told you to leave it to me? That I could fix the problem?
STAGEHAND #1
Yes, well, we all are just worried about, you know.
(Beat.)
Dying.
(JACK bursts into very loud laughter.)
JACK
You lack faith in your savior Jack Wyvern!?
STAGEHAND
What?
JACK
I demand a sacrifice! One white lamb! On that alter over there!
(Jack points to the bomb.)
STAGEHAND
That’s the bomb!
JACK
And only the purest lamb will disarm it! Now go!
STAGEHAND
Grah!
(STAGEHAND runs off stage in a hurry. JACK turns back the audience lightly chucking to himself.)
JACK
Now I’m sure everybody is thinking, Ja-
(MAN IN AUDIENCE #1 stands up and cuts JACK off.)
MAN IN AUDIENCE #1
How long do we have to live!
JACK
No.
(Beat.)
Not that.
(MAN IN AUDIENCE #2 stands up as well.)
MAN IN AUDIENCE #2
But we don’t want to die!
JACK
Trust in Jack, and Jack will save you.
(Long silent pause.)
I don’t hear the praising of me. I thought you were all about living? C’mon and get your praise on!
(MAN IN AUDIENCE #2 starts clapping and chanting “Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack”. Soon MAN IN AUDIENCE #1 follows. OTHER AUDIENCE follows soon after, hopefully getting the entire audience to start chanting.)
Now that’s better!
(A CHOIR wearing gowns with big J’s on them enters humming to the chant. JACK begins to ‘float’ in the air, via wires. STAGEHAND runs out holding a lamb in hand. He tosses it up to JACK, who catches it and holds it above his head.)
I AM SALVATION!
(JACK throws the lamb at the bomb. The lamb bounces off the bomb, apparently doing nothing. A series of high-pitched beeps starts. STAGEHAND runs offstage.)
MAN IN AUDIENCE #1
You lied! It didn’t do anything!
(The beeps get faster and faster until it’s one solid beep. The beeps stop. The bomb goes off with a fizzle and some smoke.)
JACK
Unbeliever! Look into the bomb!
(CHEWBACCA, in a dress, and CHILD walk out of the bomb casing.)
JACK
Behold! You’re dead wife and child live once more!
MAN IN AUDIENCE #1
But I’ve never been married!
JACK
You are now!
MAN IN AUDIENCE #1
Aw Fuck!
MAN IN AUDIENCE #2
That’s was my wife!
JACK
Oh. Well…for you…I…have this pack of Skittles!
(JACK pulls some Skittles out of his coat and tosses them to MAN IN AUDIENCE #2.)
MAN IN AUDIENCE #2
Lame!
JACK
And if you eat them, you can fly!
MAN IN AUDIENCE #2
AWESOME! Have fun with your new dad son!
CHILD
Ok old dad!
(MAN IN AUDIENCE #1 and MAN IN AUDIENCE #2 sit down. WIFE and CHILD go offstage toward MAN IN AUDIENCE #1. Lights dim on all except JACK. CHOIR hums.)
JACK
And now all is well. All is happy. All, thanks to me. Jack Wyvern, your new God.
(JACK sings.)
And I came from Florida with whiskey in my hand,
I floated down from Heaven, to start a kick ass band.
(JACK makes the motions of playing air guitar. Guitar noises are heard.)
But along the way.
I came to find.
I was the savoir,
Of mankind.
(The CHOIR looks offstage, then at each other. They stop humming, and walk offstage. Jesus walks on stage from the direction the CHOIR was looking.)
JESUS
Hey Jack?
JACK
Yes Jesus?
(Jack ‘floats’ back down onto the stage.)
Is there something I can help you with?
JESUS
No. Yes. Yes there is.
JACK
(Chuckles.)
Make up your mind J-man. Jack here has a couple billion people after you to serve.
JESUS
That’s just it.
JACK
You don’t want me to help people? Now Je-
JESUS
No. Helping people, that’s cool. But you’re not a savior. That’s my deal.
JACK
Well there are a lot of people out there J-man. They need a man with skills. Like me.
(JACK points to himself a lot.)
JESUS
What skills?
JACK
I floated in the air! Right there! You saw it!
JESUS
You were held up with wires. You only floated because Backstage Johnny was holding you up.
JACK
I disarmed a bomb! Don’t go saying that bomb would have not killed everybody in this theater!
JESUS
That bomb, would not have killed everybody in this theater. It would have, if you had built it properly.
JACK
Why would I kill those who believe in me?
JESUS
They don’t believe in you Ja-
(MAN IN AUDIENCE #2 stands up and raises his hand.)
MAN IN AUDIENCE #2
I do.
JESUS
You don’t count. Now Ja-
MAN IN AUDIENCE #2
Why not?
JESUS
Because you honestly thought Skittles could make you fly, and that you were married to and had a child with Chewbacca.
MAN IN AUDIENCE #2
Chewbacca’s hot.
JESUS
Please, just sit down sir.
(MAN IN AUDIENCE #2 slowly puts his hand down, pauses, and slowly sits back down.)
JESUS
Now Jack. Will you please realize that you’re not the savoir of mankind?
JACK
But…but…I can put an entire peanut butter sandwich in my mouth!
JESUS
That doesn’t help anyone.
(SANDWICH EARL, a man in a sandwich costume, walks on stage.)
SANDWICH EARL
I helps me.
(SANDWICH EARL puts his arm on JACK’S shoulder.)
Jack, thank you. Thank you for being so great at putting an entire peanut better sandwich in your mouth. If only more people could be like you, they could all eat sandwiches faster. Say I, the Sandwich Earl, savoir of sandwiches.
SANDWICH JESUS
(SANDWICH JESUS, a man in a similar sandwich costume as SANDWICH EARL but with a goatee, jumps onstage and points at SANDWHICH EARL.)
Hold it right there Sandwich Earl!
SANDWICH EARL
Aw crap. Jack, Keep cramming the sam’miches.
(SANDWICH EARL runs offstage chased by the SANDWICH JESUS.)
JACK
I…I’m sorry Jesus. I just wanted people to like me. With all this magic in the air I thought maybe I could be just like you.
JESUS
It’s all right Jack. So long as you’ve learned your lesson, everything is fine.
(Beat.)
You did learn your lesson right?
JACK
Yes, I realize that I am not the savoir of mankind. I realize also that sandwiches… sandwiches are people too.
JACK (CON’T.)
(Every light begins to dim except one on JACK.)
Tiny, edible, people with their own Jesus for some reason I can’t even begin to understand. Some of them have mayonnaise. Some of them have pickles.
(The CHOIR reenters the stage humming.)
Wheat or white, we’re all the same; bread holding our insides made of meat and vegetables together. Together, for the common good. There’s no shame in being delicious. From the highest mountain, to the deepest ocean, deliciousness will win. People will go and say, “Hey! Didn’t you taste good?” And we can proudly shout, “Yes! And we still do!” We will not go bad before our expiration date! We will not fall apart unless we were made to- I’m looking at you Sloppy Joe! Sandwiches will remain with us forever in our hearts and in our minds!
(Beat.)
Sandwiches!
(Beat.)
Forever!
(Beat.)
Love!
(JACK falls to his knees crying. Pause. MAN IN AUDIENCE #2 stands up and starts a slow clap. MAN IN AUDIENCE #1, CHEWBACCA, CHILD and OTHER AUDIENCE follow soon after. Lights up. JESUS is crying and clapping. SANDWICH EARL and SANDWICH JESUS are onstage hugging and patting each other on the back, then clapping along.)
JESUS
You might have missed a few things there Jack, but overall it was good. Real good. I’m proud of you.
(JACK gets up off his knees with a helping hand from JESUS.)
JACK
Does that mean we can be friends?
JESUS
We already were Jack. We already were.
JACK
I’m so happy!
(JESUS and JACK hug. SANDWICH EARL, SANDWICH JESUS exit. All who were standing, except JESUS and JACK, sit. JESUS and JACK walk offstage. Curtain drops. There is a long pause to make it feel like the end. STAGEHAND walks out. Between the curtains.)
STAGEHAND
Please, everybody spread the word of brotherly sandwich love to everybody.
(Beat.)
If you don’t, the Sandwich Jesus will kill me.
(A gunshot is heard and STAGEHAND falls to the ground. SANDWICH JESUS’ hand holding a gun draws back into the curtain. The evil laughter of SANDWICH JESUS is heard. Lights down.)
END SCENE