Parent Guide to the Grieving Process

Each year Lincoln counselors and school psychologists work with students who have lost a loved one. For the past three years, Lincoln High has run grief support groups that help students through this process. Below is information we hope will help parents to better understand this process and to get professional help for their teen if necessary. (prepared by LHS counselors and school psychologists)

Normal Responses to Grief
1. Feeling as though the death is not real…this didn’t really happen.
2. Physical symptoms such as tightness in the throat, restlessness, difficulty breathing, irritability, loss of energy.
3. Difficult sleeping.
4. Confusing feelings such as intense sadness, anger, moodiness, and guilt.
5. Difficulty concentrating; loss of memory; forgetfulness.
6. Weight loss or weight gain. Traumatic events such as the death of a loved one can trigger an eating disorder. Overeating is sometimes used to satisfy emotional issues. Restrictive eating is one way a person can feel “in control.”
7. The need to tell and retell things about the loved one.
8. Crying or sobbing, even after time passes.
9. Withdrawing and not wanting to be around people. Teens sometimes want to hide their feelings from parents.
10. Having a sense the loved one is still alive and will reappear. / What Can Parents Do to Help?
1. Give your teen the facts about the person’s death, but be sure the information is accurate and not hearsay or interpretation.
2. Teens are sometimes embarrassed to express grief. They may look mature, but have difficulty coping with a loss. Although peers provide some comfort, teens still need adult support. Coach your teen as to what behavior is acceptable (feeling angry; crying) and what is not (violence; drugs/alcohol use).
3. Actively listen. Take time to invite your teen to express how she or he is feeling. Even if some of their feelings seem exaggerated, don’t judge them. Teens might feel embarrassed about having strong feelings; tell them this is normal. Reflect how you think they are feeling (“I think I understand; you are having difficulty concentrating and seem to be in a fog”).
4. Teens sometimes feel guilty about the death of a loved one - that they could have helped to prevent the death or should have been kinder to the person. Listen to their concerns and help them to understand they are not at fault and regrets are normal.
5. Be aware of your teen’s eating and sleeping habits and help him/her to re-establish normal patterns. Be aware of dramatic weight gain or loss.
6. Teens may become defensive, angry, or want to test limits more than usual. Parents will need more patience than normal. Remember; there is no time limit for grief resolution.
7. Try to schedule quality time with your teen – watch a favorite TV program together and talk about it, go to a movie, play a board game, go to the gym, bake cookies together.
8. Avoid pressuring your teen to take on extra responsibilities. During the grieving process, people are less able to assume additional responsibilities.

Although a period of sadness and mixed emotions are normal after the death of a loved one, sometimes parents should seek professional help. The following are signs that your teen may need therapeutic and/or medical assistance:

Depression; low self-esteem; anger; suicidal thoughts or behavior

Significant change in personality

Marked withdrawal and isolation from friends and normal activities

Failing in school

Substance abuse

Eating disorders