Now Think About What You Do Or Do Not Do to Make Sure You Are Feeling Those Things?

• When do you feel:
• Safe?
• Loved?
• Powerful?
• Free?
• Pleasured?
• Now think about what you do or do not do to make sure you are feeling those things?
• What actions do you take or not take?

It is very difficult for me to have those positive feelings listed above,especially at this time of my life. I used to be a happy and outgoing person. But I have been deeply grieving for the last 18 months after losing my only beloved brother Sean, who meant everything to me. I have been suffering from the feeling of withdrawal, being “lost”, uselessness, depression and loneliness. I absolutely did nothing but crying for a year before I entered PDP this January. Even during my PDP, I often feel disoriented and sad. My FAs, SA, and classmates in my module have been incredibly supportive to me and I have learned so much. I realized that all my classmates have warm hearts that care for each other, as if they care for their students.

I think the beginning of my PDP in January was the most recent time that I felt safe in the midst of depression. During the first week of the 401/402, we did autobiography poster, journal, and bio bag presentation in my module. As much as I felt disoriented and useless in this world, I was panicking because I didn’t want to share my tough and sad life story with my classmates, who I’ve just known for less than a week. I didn’t feel safe to share my story. I was afraid of the possiblejudgment, rejection, withdrawal, and loneliness as the aftermath. I was also worried that if my PDP admission will be cancelled because my FAs will think that I am mentally disqualified. So I decided to give a fake bio bag presentation and act as a happy person without mentioning anything about my grief and depression. That was my initial plan.

When it was my turn to present my bio bag, I stood up and walked towards the front of the classroom. As soon as I started walking, I saw myself crying as if my heart and brain forgot about my initial plan. I couldn’t fake my life. My brother has been the biggest part of my life whom I love the most and think about the most every day. It was impossible for me not to talk about him. He has been in every moment of my life. So I shared my true story about my situation and my life. When I decided to share the true story, my worries and fear of being judged and disqualified went away. I knew that my personal life and existence of my brother are far more important than what people think or say about me and about my qualification to be in PDP. It didn’t take a long time for me to realize that my initial plan about giving a fake presentation was wrong. My classmates and FAs were so engaging and started giving me big support and encouragement. It was a very warm and safe environment surrounded by wonderful people who truly care about me. Then I realized that all of us who are in PDP have thoughtful hearts with warm teacher-like characters. I felt safe.

I feel loved whenever I think about my family, friends, and colleagues. My parents love me with all their hearts and I love them so much too. Both my parents and I are in the process of grieving, we are often very sad. But we encourage and support each other at the same time. We honour my brother Sean and often talk about him. We all miss him. He has done so much to my parents and me. Although he is not currently with my family physically, I still feel his love. With his kind and gentle personality, he has made wonderful friends around him. Most of his friends are in contact with me and they all told me how much my brother cares and loves me. It is very powerful that I feel loved even if he is not with me physically. I feel that his love is still with me.

I don’t feel much powerful at this time of my life because I don’t have the same confidence level as I used to have. My depression and loneliness often create negative feelings and I lose confidence. I think I feel powerful when I am in charge of something and have a confidence. I used to produce live music concerts for schools and communities. I was fully in charge of hiring musicians, ushers, volunteers, ticket staffs, and reception staffs. I felt powerful back then.

At this time of my life I feel free when I sleep, especially after I cry. Often my life is tough and I feel depressed when I think too much. Then I start having negative thoughts. In this kind of situation, I usually want to give my brain a break. I drink my favourite tea trying to relieve my stress. When I feel too much stress, I get a heavy headache. So I lie down, relax my brain, and try to go to sleep. I see my brother often in my dream. Just before I fall asleep, especially after I cry from missing my brother, I hope to meet him in my dream, the only time and place I can see him currently. Then I feel free.

I feel pleasured when I drive my car. My brother and I always have been car enthusiasts. He used to drive me around and taught me so much about cars. We loved going for car accessory shopping and decorating our cars. My current car that I love is from my brother. He chose this specific model for me and wanted me to own it. So these days whenever I drive my car, I always think about my brother’s kindness. I feel like my brother is with me. I remember all those times I spent with my brother driving around. It is my passion and I honour my brother by driving my car, which is the gift from him.

I try very hard to stay positive and live my life in a way that will honourmy brother and make him happy. When I applied to PDP, I wanted to keep myself busy and stop crying. I didn’t feel much safe where ever I was because I was much disoriented. But I have made trustworthy friends and I know that they support me. I try to think positive and stay active so I can gain my confidence. There are still sometimes surprising moments hit me unexpectedly. For example when people ask me if I have any sibling, which is a very casual question that anyone can ask. But to me, it often makes me cry when I have to answer. Some other situations that make me nervous and unsafe are: watching a violent scene in the movie, hearing the sound of ambulance, people talking about hospital and patients, etc. When these kinds of surprising situation happen, I just try to distract myself by thinking about happy moments and things I like.

During my short practicum teaching grade 8 at a middle school, my students made me laugh quite often. My SA and other teachers and staff were kind to me. So I always tried hard to stay happy. Nowadays I also learned that I listen to my heart and be authentic. I figured out that it is normal for me to cry sometimes because I am still grieving. The sadness and happiness can stay together too. So I try to accept the reality and tell myself that it is normal to be sad and happy. Then I feel better. Moreover, I surround myself with people who love me and support me so I can feel safe.

I decided to get back on the track and continue to race. I have a desire to become a teacher who can inspire and help students. I was once a spoiled and rebellious student who always has been a trouble maker at school; however, I still made it to university and to PDP because of the love and support from my brother. Without his love and my traumatic event that I have gone through, I wouldn’t have a desire to become a teacher. As my brother guided me to the right direction with his love, I hope I can inspire my students and teach them with love while giving them a safe environment.