Name:
Date:
Period:
Neutral Monologue
Assignment***
Female Monologue #1
The Altruists
by Nicky Silver
“Sydney”, a rather shallow, anorexic soap opera actress, is talking to her boyfriend Ethan.
SYDNEY: Ethan, I have had it! I can take it no more. Do you hear me? You can pretend to be asleep, I don’t care. (…) I AM NOT HAPPY! How could I be? Am I supposed to enjoy your condescension? Should I love your humiliating me in front of your friends? (…) How do you think I feel when I’m introduced as “just” an actress? As if what I did for a living didn’t bring joy into the world! As if what I do for a living didn’t make this life more bearable for the disenfranchised you pretend to care about! There is dignity, profound dignity in my life, in my work! But you choose to sneer at it. People LOVE SOAP OPERAS! I get mail by the bushel, letters by the trillion! I have fans! I have followers! All over this country people are worried about Montana Beach! Will she leave Brock for Brick? Will she kick her ugly habit? Will she find her mother, true love, or the meaning of life!? People care about me! Who cares about you? I ask you. Who cares about you! Not I! Not I, Ethan!
Female Monologue #2
The Arkansas Tornado
by Kathleen A. Rogers
“Howdy” speaks into a video camera. She has issues.
HOWDY: The Secret History of My Body, Part Thirty. The perfection of my flesh. This episode is dedicated to Mrs. Becker.
I don’t know why you think I don’t have any ambition, just because I don’t feel like going to college next year. I won’t be working in the drive-through at Dunkin Donuts forever. I do have a career goal, Mrs. Becker. I’m going to join the World Wrestling Federation and become BOOGER WOMAN. The Fattest, The Ugliest, The Most Disgusting. I’ll wear a real tight costume – shiny material, slimy green – gold cape – silver boots. I’ll slime all over the ring. Ooze all over the place. Booger Woman will have it all: fan clubs, DVDs, T-shirts, trading cards, action figures, sports drinks. She’s the hero for all the fat girls. I’ll build a booger empire, a chain of restaurants, the Boogerterias, and all the food will be slimy and gross, like the school cafeteria. I’ll have my own theme park: Snot World. I will be fabulous. I will be world-class! I will be everywhere! And you, Mrs. Becker, you will be where you’ve always been: NOWHERE!
Male Monologue #1
Actor!
by Frederick Stroppel
In this surreal satire spoofing the acting life, a young actor is about to give his first performance.
YOUNG ACTOR: An actor? Who respects actors? All they do is make believe. (The actor slips on a robe and a bejeweled turban.) I mean, this is just silly. Look how supremely foolish I appear. And all those parents and teachers out there are supposed to believe I’m from a different time, a different culture, a different world, just because I say so? I just can’t take it seriously, I’m sorry. This can’t be a man’s work, to pose and pretend and …
(Spotlight hits actor. He immediately reacts, and he goes into this speech with shaky confidence.) “I, too, have followed the star to this poor babe’s stable.” (The spotlight goes off. Excited:) My goodness! That was incredible! All alone, just me, in front of all those people. And they were listening! I could feel it! I moved them. Man, I’m getting chills! I want to do that again! I can’t wait till tomorrow! But tomorrow will be better. This was only a surface reading. I have to get under the skin of my character. Who is Gaspar? Was he a tall man, did he stoop? Where did he glom all this frankincense? Did he convert, or was this just a one-time fling? So many questions!
Male Monologue #2
The Odd Couple
by Neil Simon
Due to Felix’s morose behavior, the evening with the Pigeon Sisters was a miserable disaster. Oscar finds this unforgivable. The next evening, after a heated confrontation, a very angry and frustrated Oscar lays it on the line.
OSCAR: I’ll tell you exactly what it is. It’s the cooking, cleaning and crying…. It’s the talking in your sleep, it’s the moose calls that open your ears at two o’clock in the morning…. I can’t take it anymore, Felix. I’m crackin’ up. Everything you do irritates me. And when you’re not here, the things I know you’re gonna do when you come in irritate me…. You leave notes on my pillow. I told you a hundred times, I can’t stand little notes on my pillow. “We’re all out of Corn Flakes. F.U.” … It took me three hours to figure out that F.U. was Felix Unger…. It’s not your fault, Felix. It’s a rotten combination.
(Intervening speech. Felix: I get the picture.)
That’s just the frame. The picture I haven’t even painted yet…. I got a typewritten list in my office of the “Ten Most Aggravating Things You Do That Drive Me Beserk.” …. But last night was the topper. Oh, that was the topper. Oh, that was the everloving lulu of all times.
***Keep this handout in your theatre notebook. It will be checked periodically for a
preparation / professionalism grade.