Supporting Children’s Social and Emotional Development: Strategies That Work
Betsy Evans
Conflict Resolution Specialist
The HighScope Problem-solving Steps
- Approach calmly, stopping any hurtful action.
- Acknowledge children’s feelings. Gently tell children you will hold a disputed object.
- Gather information.
- Restate the problem.
- Ask for ideas for solutions and choose one together.
- Be prepared to give follow-up support.
HighScope Educational Research Foundation
Problem-solving Actions & Phrases
- Place yourself between
children, on their level.
Use a calm voice and gentle touch.
- “You look really upset.”
If needed, set limits positively: “pushing needs to stop”, & hold the object.
- “What’s the problem?”
Or describe the problem you see and look for a yes or no response.
- “So the problem is…”
- “What can we do to solve this problem?”
Encourage children to think of solutions.
- “You solved the problem!”
Be prepared to give follow-up support.
Problem-Solving Top Tips
1. Place yourself between the children, on their level.
Top tips: * Calm yourself: breathe!
* Think positively about outcomes
* Use a gentle tone of voice
* Quickly and gently stop any hurting
* Do not force children to look at you
- “You look really upset.”
Top tips: * Place your hands on disputed objects & say “I’m going to hold this until we figure out the problem”. Keep objects in view.
* Make eye contact with children & use their names.
* Name feelings repeatedly until children are calmer.
* Do not ask questions when children are upset.
- “What’s the problem?”
Top tips: * Ask “what” questions, not “why” questions.
* Listen carefully for the details of the problem.
- “So the problem is…”
Top tips: * Restate the details, using children’s words.
* Reframe any hurtful comments; set limits on hurtful actions if necessary, naming feelings as you do it. (eg. “You are feeling very angry and name-calling needs to stop.”)
- “What can we do to solve this problem?”
Top tips: * Encourage children’s ideas for solutions. Ask other children if needed.
* When ideas are vague (“let’s share!”), ask “what will that look like? What will you do?”
- “You solved the problem!”
Top tip: *Describe what children did that worked, with details, avoiding empty praise like “good job”. Tell the children exactly what they did or said that worked so they can repeat it next time.
Extrinsic Motivation Factors
* Fear of punishment, shame, threats, guilt
* Desire for new “things”: toys, candy, stickers
When children are extrinsically motivated, the behaviours and skills created are dependent on adults. As a result of this dependence, rather than independence, the outcome is short-term rather than long-term skills.
Intrinsic Motivation Factors
* Enjoyment
* Personal interest
* Control
* High probability of success
* Likely to become skilled/competent
When children are intrinsically motivated, the behaviours and skills that are created are independent – they belong to the child – and as a result they are long-term life skills.
Power Rangers Conflict Transcript
[Hujun cries and says something about Jared and toys.]
Betsy: Let’s go over and talk to him. (to Jared) He’s feeling really sad. I think we have a problem.
Jared: I was using this first.
Betsy: You were using that first. (turning to Hujun) He says he was using that first. (Hujun cries louder) You’re feeling really, really sad. Really sad. (to Jared) He’s feeling really sad. (reaching for the toys) I’m going to hold this for a minute, until we figure this out. (slowly takes toys) I’m going to hold this, right here together, ok. So we have a problem…(Jared takes the rider bck) I’m going to hold both of these. (Hujun cries) So we have a problem because you really want to have this and you really want to have this too. So what can we do?
Jared: Because I want that.
Betsy: You really want this, don’t you. (to Hujun) And you really want this too, don’t you (Hujun cries loudly) You’re feeling so sad. You are really sad. (Jared reaches for the toy) I’m going to hold this until we figure it out. So what can we do?
Jared: I found it on the counter.
Betsy: You found it on the counter? (to Hujun) He says he found it on the counter…and he’s wanting to use it and you’re wanting to use it.
Jared: Let’s put it on the counter. (Jared pulls the toys towards a shelf)
Betsy: You think we should put it on the counter?
Jared: Yeh, I want it.
Betsy: You mean right up here?
Jared: No.
Betsy: Well I’m going to hold it until we figure it out.
Jared: I want to put it on the counter.
Betsy: So you’re idea is that we are going to put it away on the counter, and noone will use it? Is that your idea?
Jared: I put it on the counter.
Betsy: You want to put it on the counter. (to Hujun) So what do you think about that? He wants to put it on the counter and leave it there. Will that idea work?
Hujun: Yeh.
Betsy: That idea is OK with you?
Hujun: Yeh.
Betsy: Ok, well let’s go put it on the counter together. You solved this problem!
From: “It’s Mine! Responding to Problems & Conflicts” High/Scope video,
Strategies for Acknowledging Feelings
- State feelings concretely: for example, “You are feeling upset” or “I can see you are really angry.” Do not ask questions about feelings. Make statements describing feelings.
- Reframe children’s hurtful words as you acknowledge feelings: for example, if Tommy has said to Joe, “you’re not my friend!” reframe to Tommy, “You’re feeling very angry (frustrated, sad, upset) with Joe.”
- If necessary, state a limit as part of the acknowledgement: for example, “Mary, hitting needs to stop. You are feeling very angry because David has the truck and you want it. I know you’re very angry.”
- Let children know that you need to hold objects in dispute until agreement is reached: for example, “I’m going to hold this while we figure out the problem.”. Do not ask (they will likely say no). Put your hands on the object and make a gentle statement that you are going to hold it. Keep the object within the children’s reach and in full view..
- Watch for signs that children have fully expressed their feelings: for example, the body relaxes, crying stops, voice tones soften, children’s actions or words change. When this happens, move on to, “what’s the problem?”
- If necessary, acknowledge feelings many times until the child begins to calm: If a child is very upset, give extra time and acknowledgement. If a child refuses to discuss what is happening, or if crying or shouting resumes, name feelings again until the child or children calm down.
Adapted by Betsy Evans from
You Can’t Come to My Birthday Party! Conflict Resolution with Young Children
Research on Mediation & Young Children
The use of mediation has demonstrated positive effects for sibling conflict and in school-based programs (Sidiqui and Ross, 2004).
Schools implementing mediation programs have shown decreases in the number of conflicts referred to teachers and administration, an increase in lasting agreements, more favorable attitudes toward conflict, and higher academic achievement among those participating in the program (Stevahn, Johnson, Johnson, & Shultz, 2002).
Mediation in the family has resulted in improved reports of family functioning and higher rates of success in settling disputes (Van Slyck, Stern, & Newland, 1992).
…parental use of mediation in sibling conflict increases the younger of the siblings’ sense of empowerment, improves emotional understanding, and reported improvements of conflict processes.(Sidiqui & Ross, 2004).
What are children learning when adults facilitate problem-solving:
The ability: to express strong emotions in non-hurting ways.
to appreciate one’s own views but also the views of
others.
to make decisions intelligently and ethically.
Dan Gartrell and Margaret King, “The Power of Guidance:Teaching Social - Emotional Skills in Early Childhood Classrooms”, NAEYC, 2004
* to create solutions that work for everyone.
* to know that most problems are solvable. (B.Evans)
Creating an Emotionally Healthy Environment
~ Conflict Prevention Strategies ~
In early childhood settings or in children’s homes, many problems arise because the routines and/or interactions do not provide adequate emotional support for children or because of insufficient space or materials. However, in a supportive and carefully planned environment, children will have many choices for play, and will feel safe and secure. As a result, there will be fewer conflicts, and healthy social and emotional growth.
~ Support active learning through warm, accepting adult-child exchanges.
~ Plan a child-oriented environment that supports active play.
~ Provide routines that flow with children’s needs & wants.
~ Build parent-caregiver partnerships.
~ Plan daily around children’s needs and interests.
~ Support each child’s primary relationship with a caregiver.
~ Encourage children’s ideas and initiatives.
-participate in play with children
-imitate their actions
-describe, specifically, what they are doing.
~ Explain children’s actions to other children.
~ Continually evaluate the setting and materials, considering appropriateness, usage, and quantities vs. interest level.
~ Let children know what is about to happen.
~ Set limits using positives; say what you DO want.
~ Follow every “no, stop, don’t” with 4 positive interactions
~ Acknowledge children’s feelings often.
~ Mediate conflicts calmly. Use the word ‘problem’ often.
~ Examine the reasons for choosing to be with children; adults who enjoy interacting with children will set a positive, relaxed tone, nurturing the child’s spirit and mind.
Betsy Evans, “It’s Mine! Responding to Problems & Conflicts”,
10 Common Things Teachers Do That CAUSE Conflict
- Label areas with a number, limiting how many can play, thus promoting exclusion behaviors, instead of problem solving these spatial conflicts.
- Do not have multiple copies of popular materials.
- Do not allow children to make enough choices – about play areas, materials, activities, songs, etc.
- Tell children when to change areas, instead of supporting children to develop complex concepts with materials and extending their attention span.
- Plan routines with too many transitions & lineups.
- Do not plan ways to support cleanup or transitions.
- Use loud voices that dominate the “airspace” of the classroom and create tension for children.
- Create competition by using too much evaluative feedback, like “good job” or “beautiful”, or other rewards, instead of constructive feedback, like “you worked together & each block is easy to find now!” giving specific information about what is working.
- Tell children how to solve problems with phrases like ‘say sorry’, ‘share’, ‘we’re all friends’, ‘that’s not nice’ ‘use your words’, or ‘calm down’ instead of naming feelings, asking ‘what’s the problem?’ & listening to details, inviting children to create solutions.
- Set limits with negatives, instead of positive statements about what children CAN do.
The Brain, Emotion, and Teaching strategy
“The emotional brain…[is] an integral part of the circuitry that activates and directs messages to the cortex, and the crux of the attention system. It can either facilitate learning or, quite literally, shut down the thinking systems…” Jane Healy, Your Child’s Growing Mind, pg 214, 1994.
“The single best way to grow a better brain is through challenging problem solving.”
Eric Jensen, Teaching With The Brain In Mind,1998
“ The young brain of a child needs warm adult support and an emotionally stable environment in order to grow new connections and strengthen the ones that have been created.” B.Evans,
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