NET Training Institute

Orlando, Florida

THE FAMILY AND ADDICTION

HOURS: 10 hours for Freedom Series / 24 hours Samaritan Series *

Instructors: Jean LaCour, PhD, CAPP and Rev. John Cox, MAR, CAP

* This course was developed as a twenty four hour intensive experience to be held over two weekends with a variety of process activities. We have shortened the Student Guide and selected six activities from the Family Integration Notebooksolely for use with the unedited NET Training Institute video footage by TechMission / CityVisionCollege.

Family Integration Activities

FAMILY ANALYSIS WORKSHEET

LIFE SCRIPTS WORKSHEET

SHAME MESSAGES WORKSHEET

MYTHS OF RELIGIOUS SHAME WORKSHEET

OLD RULES/NEW RULES WORKSHEET

SIGNS OF UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES WORKSHEET

FAMILY ANALYSIS WORKSHEET

BEGINNING TO SEE THE PATTERNS

PART 1: DESCRIBING THE MEMORY

Directions:

  • Consider your family of origin when answering the following questions.
  • If this is not possible, answer the questions based on the family and/or persons most influential as you were growing up.
  • Answer the questions to the best of your ability.
  • Use additional paper as needed.
  1. As you look back on your childhood (child to pre-teen), what strengths do you remember?
  1. As you look back on your childhood (child to pre-teen), what weaknesses do you remember?
  1. As you look back on your early to late teen years, what strengths do you remember?
  1. As you look back on your early to late teen years, what weaknesses do you remember?
  1. Describe, based on your memory, your relationship with your father (include pros and cons).
  1. Describe, based on your memory, your relationship with your mother (include pros and cons).
  1. Describe, based on your memory, your relationship with your siblings (include pros and cons).
  1. What information have you gained from family discussions (reunions, stories, shared memories, etc) that create a different picture than you remember?

PART 2: DESCRIBING THE NITTY GRITTY

Directions:

  • Check any of the characteristics listed below that have been, or are currently, present in your immediate family.
  • Repeat the process, considering those who were highly influential during your childhood, regardless of their true family status.

 / Alcoholism /  / Gambling addiction
 / Drug addiction /  / Sexual addiction
 / Workaholism /  / Success addiction
 / Eating disorders /  / Money addiction
 / Divorce /  / Addictive or compulsive behaviors
 / Neglect /  / Emotional abuse
 / Smothering parent /  / Physical abuse
 / Verbal abuse /  / Sexual abuse
 / Domineering father/passive mother /  / Psychosomatic illnesses
 / Domineering mother/passive father /  / Loss of memory
 / Constant tension/anxiety /  / Depression
 / Other destructive behaviors?

PART 3: CONSIDERING THE IMPACT

Directions:

  • Consider all the information you have just documented about your family and the relationships you’ve just described.
  • Answer all of the questions in this section to the best of your ability, with the recognition that you may not be aware of the impact your family has had on your past and/or current behavior.
  • Be as honest as you can be with your answers, and
  • If you feel a resistance to answering any of the questions in this section, put an asterisk next to the question and come back to it. The resistance may be telling you something.

PART 3 (continued)

  1. On a scale from 1 – 10, describe how the above relationships and family attributes have affected you relative to:

Healthy self-esteem / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / Shame
Experiencing forgiveness / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / Guilt
Expressing forgiveness / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / Condemning/critical of others
Accurate perceptions / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / Black/white perspective
Ability to set limits / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / Overly responsible
Responsible for your behavior / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / Irresponsible
Good bonding in relationships / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / Loneliness
Have your own opinions, feeling, decisions / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / People pleaser, or puppet of the lead
Ability to have fun / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / Stiff or depressed
Ability to talk, feel and trust / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / Repressed emotions, or explosions of anger
  1. What strengths have been built into your life as a result of your family background?
  1. What weaknesses or needs have developed in your life as a result of your family background?
  1. How do your strengths affect your relationship with people in a group setting?
  1. What have you learned about yourself and your family as a result of this analysis?

LIFE SCRIPTS WORKSHEET

THINGS WE LEARN ABOUT LIFE – BEFORE WE KNEW IT!

PART 1: RECOGNIZE THE GENERAL SCRIPTS

Check all of the “script messages” listed below that you’ve heard over the years.

You’re stupid / Be sexy / Don’t think
Be abandoned / Women don’t count / Don’t show your feelings
Abandon people / Be the black sheep / Get the job done
Be a success / Kill yourself / Be a decision maker
Be a failure / Be lazy / Feel depressed
Men are passive / You’re a good child / Be critical
don’t grow up / Be like your mother / Be angry
Work before play / Be like your father / Hide your anger
Be affectionate / Don’t compete / Don’t be sick
Don’t be affectionate / Be sexually abused / Don’t trust people
Be generous / Be physically abused / Be an abuser
Be selfish / Be the boss / Be considerate
Be responsible / Sex is not okay / Be sweet
Money is for spending / Sex is fun / Don’t touch
Be a miser / Sex is dirty / You’ll never find a man
Have children / Sex is for procreation / Play around
Don’t get close / Live life to the fullest / Work hard
Women are bitches / Men are in charge / Women are in charge
Be perfect / Worry / Procrastinate
Be sarcastic / Enjoy life / Be religious
Go to church / Be a victim in life / Have a career
Be an alcoholic / Men are jerks / Be dumb
Be an achiever / You’ll never find a job / Be a bum
Depend only on yourself / You’re no good / Depend on others
Be happy / Depend only on yourself / When things go wrong, drink
Men take care of you financially / When things go wrong, go to bed / Women take care of you emotionally
You’ll never amount to anything / When things go wrong, take a pill

PART 2: PERSONALIZE THE SCRIPT MESSAGES

Record the specific messages you received in each area that influenced how you behaved and how you defined yourself as a good person.

  • My mother told me a girl/boy should
  • My father told me a girl/boy should
  • I was told as a girly/boy I could
  • On the other hand, boys/girls could
  • In conflict situations, I was told a good girl should
  • In conflict situations, I was told a boy could
  • Often I got what I wanted by
  • When it came to boy/girls, I felt
  • When it came to other girls/boys, I felt
  • Teachers encouraged me to
  • I always wanted to
  • Right now I am feeling

PART 3: RECOGNIZE THEIR PERSONAL IMPACT

Record the specific messages that you learn about Yourself and Relationships.

  • My relationship with God
  • My relationships with others
  • My skills and abilities
  • My physical appearance
  • My intelligence
  • My future

SHAME MESSAGES WORKSHEET

HIDING OUT BEHIND THE LIES

PART 1: RECOGNIZING YOUR SHAME MESSAGES

Record as many of the following “shame messages” as you can remember from your childhood.

I am (list as many as you remember)

I can’t (list as many as you remember)

It’s not OK to (list as many as you remember):

It’s not OK for ME to (list as many as you remember):

It’s not OK for me to be (list as many as you remember):

It’s not OK when I (list as many as you remember):

It’s not OK (list as many as you remember):

PART 2: FINDING THE TRUTH

The opposite of a lie is not always the truth - it can be rebellion. What we do know is that, as Christians, we are children and heirs. What else do you know to be true about

YOU?

Record positive, affirming statements about yourself in each category.

I am and I can:

It IS OK to and For ME to:

It IS OK for me to BE:

It IS OK when I:

It IS OK:

NTI THE FAMILY AND ADDICTION

FAMILY INTEGRATION NOTEBOOK

MYTHS OF RELIGIOUS SHAME WORKSHEET

RECOGNIZING HURTFUL THEOLOGY

SHAME BASED SPIRITUALITY / WHAT DID YOU HEAR ABOUT …. / HEALTHY SPIRITUALITY
Having a problem is sinful / Problems? / Problems are a part of our human condition. Through the power of Christ we are responsible to deal with our problems.
Spirituality means perfection / Perfection/Performance? / Jesus died to save us, so He alone is our judge. We live by His grace, not by legalism.
Emotions are sinful / Emotions? / God created us with a full range of emotions. They are not sinful, but the way we handle our emotions can be sinful.
Compulsive disease is sinful / Alcoholism, Drug/Food Addiction? / Sickness and sin are not synonymous. By God’s grace we each are responsible to deal with the sin in our lives.
Fun is sinful / Fun? / God has given us many wonderful ways to delight in His goodness.
Sexuality is sinful / Sexuality? / Sexuality is a gift from God that we are to enjoy as He allows.
Material Success (or lack of it) is sinful / Wealth? / God does not measure our faith according to our prosperity or poverty. Poverty  Spirituality!
Becoming a Christian fixes everything / Becoming Christian? / Salvation is a miracle of a moment; sanctification is the process of a lifetime. Christ empowers us to face the difficult issues in life.

NTI THE FAMILY AND ADDICTION

FAMILY INTEGRATION NOTEBOOK

OLD RULES/NEW RULES WORKSHEET

RECOGNIZING AND CHANGING DYSFUNCTIONAL RULES

PART 1: CONSIDERING THE MOST POWERFUL DYSFUNCITONAL RULES

Record examples of the following rules as you heard them growing up.

  1. Don’t talk!
  1. Don’t trust!
  1. Don’t feel!

Record examples of how they continue to affect you today.

  1. Don’t talk!
  1. Don’t trust!
  1. Don’t feel!

PART 2: PLANNING TO BREAK THE RULES

Record examples of how you don’t let these rules control you!

  1. Don’t talk!
  1. Don’t trust!
  1. Don’t feel!

What lingering behaviors do you want to change; what behaviors would you put in their place; and who’s help will you need to do this?

SIGNS OF UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES WORKSHEET

FINDING THE WEAK SPOTS

DIRECTIONS:

  • Reflect on your behavior patterns over the last six - twelve months.
  • Being very honest with yourself, indicate the frequency at which you’ve demonstrated the behaviors listed below.
  • Use the following scale:

1 = Not once

2 = Maybe a couple of times

3 = Frequently

4 = Regularly

5 = It’s a PATTERN!

  • When you have completed the checklist, select two behaviors that may reflect weak boundaries, and

Consider the cause/s,

Consider healthier ways to meet those particular needs,

Determine how to ask for help in meeting those needs.

BEHAVIORS / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
  1. Talking at an intimate level on the first meeting.

  1. Falling in love with a new acquaintance.

  1. Falling in love with anyone who reaches out.

  1. Being overwhelmed by a person; preoccupied with them.

  1. Acting on first sexual impulse.

  1. Being sexual for partner, not for self, on an ongoing basis.

  1. Going against personal values or rights to please another.

  1. Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries.

  1. Accepting food, gifts, touch, sex that you don’t want.

  1. Taking as much as you can get for the sake of getting

  1. Giving as much as you can give for the sake of getting your own needs met.

  1. Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.

  1. Letting others direct your life.

  1. Letting others describe your reality (rules and roles)

  1. Believing others can anticipate your needs.

  1. Expecting others to fill your needs automatically.

  1. Falling apart so someone will take care of you.

  1. Self abuse.

  1. Sexual and physical abuse.

  1. Routinely using anger to set limits on other’s behaviors.

NTI THE FAMILY AND ADDICTION

FAMILY INTEGRATION NOTEBOOK