Musical Letters to the Beyond: A Mix Tape for my Grandfather
My grandfather died when I was in sixth grade. I remember certain things about him – he had a slight British accent, he loved the New York Yankees, and he wore a toupee in his later years – but I feel bad because a lot of my memories about him seem to have slipped away. I remember being really upset when he died, but I wasn’t sure how to react. This was the first family related death that I was old enough to comprehend. I had a great-grandmother and another grandfather pass away when I just starting grade school, but I don’t remember much about those funerals. I got to know my grandfather a bit more because I spent more time with him. I’d walk over to my grandparents’ house after school, fix myself a snack, and plop down on a couch in the living room and watch TV with him. He didn’t often say a lot, but I enjoyed his company nonetheless. I didn’t realize it at the time, but he had been sick for a while. He died of cancer, but from what my grandmother says, he didn’t really feel that well the last several years of his life. I remember that he was often quiet and seemed lost in thought, but on the other hand he had a great sense of humor. He loved conversation, laughter, food, and a good argument. He was also a good storyteller and would get this twinkle in his eye when getting to a particularly exciting or humorous moment. One of my big regrets is not being able to get to know him as I became a teenager and then an adult. I have a feeling that we would have had some really interesting chats. I decided to create a mix tape for my grandfather in an effort to tell him a bit about myself—basically, to tell him my story of where we last left off. I know he’s not here physically, but maybe there’s a chance that he will somehow hear the music, catch my thought waves, or see the lyrics. Sure, it’s probably just wishful thinking, but it’s something I feel the need to do. So, grandpa, this tape’s for you. I hope you like what you hear.
Track One: Pete Rock and C.L. Smooth— “Good Life”
No one in my family, including you, understood why I liked hip-hop so much, but it is a style of music I have been drawn to ever since I heard my first Run D.M.C. and LL Cool J beats and lyrics. Most kids at my school also didn’t like hip-hop—well, except for the lame stuff like Vanilla Ice. But I couldn’t get enough of it. As much as I loved the music, though, it was often the messages in the lyrics that really inspired me. I learned so much about political, social, ethical, and spiritual topics through hip-hop that listening to it was almost like taking an advanced course in Sociology. I even partially owe hip-hop for me eventually becoming a vegetarian! Anyway, Pete Rock and C.L. Smooth were one of my favorite groups during junior high and high school. Pete Rock always impressed me with his hypnotic, jazz-influenced beats and soundscapes, while C.L. Smooth’s lyrics flowed as effortlessly as his name. He rapped about everything: life, love, loss, and everything in between. I remember a couple of lines from this song in particular that really helped me stay positive even when I felt so different: “What type of life do you lead tell me / Cause you can be anything you want to be / Some will strive for the good life in any case / The mind is a terrible thing to waste / On drugs, violence, and hatred of another color.” It is kind of ironic that I chose a song titled “Good Life” to start this mix because life sure wasn’t easy at the time. I felt different in almost every way from everyone else. My love for hip-hop was just another difference in a long list of many. I’m not sure why, but I got really shy once I hit junior high and stayed that way for the next few years. Is this a family trait? Well, my mom’s somewhat quiet, but most in the family are pretty outgoing, including you. I remember you making people laugh at family gatherings and other get-togethers. So where did this shyness come from? As far as I can tell, I lacked confidence in myself. I felt like my ideas were worthless. I didn’t fit in with any of the “crowds” in school. Looking back, I’m sure most of the kids around me probably felt this way at least a little bit as all teenagers are struggling to come to grips with their personalities, ideas, feelings, and goals, but I sure didn’t know this at the time. I wish you could have been there to fill me in on some of these life secrets. As much as I love my parents, they seemed pretty clueless about what I was going through.
Track Two: Nirvana— “Pennyroyal Tea”
Nirvana’s music was also something I could sink my teeth into. I didn’t like much “heavy” music up until then, but something about their mixture of raw emotion, abstract poetry, and sarcasm made perfect sense to this confused teenager. They wrote anthems, not just songs. They united many from my generation as we watched the world become more apathetic around us. I know you would have had a major problem with this trend because you worked so hard. You survived World War II, moved from England to America, worked manual labor, and even rebuilt your house. I wish I could have been there to see all those things. Thank you for all that you did. I know my family wouldn’t be here without you. Although you may not understand what my generation was going through, maybe if you read these lyrics it would give you a better idea. (PS: I picked “Pennyroyal Tea” for my Nirvana song because I remember you used to drink tea everyday—a British tradition that you’ve passed on to me because I also love drinking tea.)
Track Three: 108—“Curse of Instinct”
Hardcore music forever changed me. The music was so intense, abrasive, and cathartic. Like hip-hop, the lyrics spoke to me in so many ways. Hardcore bands talked about similar issues, but these weren’t world famous celebrities—they were people just like you or I who decided to start a band, organize their own tours, and put out their own records. They had something burning inside that just had to be let out. 108 played hardcore music that tore right into my soul. Their lyrics were philosophical and spiritual, but mostly they were about expressing your emotions and dealing with the existential struggles we all face day to day. This song in particular is more about the inner and outer struggles life often brings, and it makes me think of how alone I felt at the time. I’m guessing you would not have liked the screaming, but maybe if I showed you a lyric sheet you would understand?
Track Four: Morrissey: “Ouija Board, Ouija Board”
My family ended up moving away from our hometown when I was 15. My dad lost his job, and at the time there just were not a lot of career possibilities for him there. So, we ended up moving 14 hours away to the Quad Cities (border of IL/IA). At first, I was excited. I thought there would be many trips to Chicago to see baseball games and go on shopping extravaganzas, as we’d now only be about three hours away from the “big city.” Instead, I found my final two years of high school to be extremely lonely. Everyone I met seemed to already have their groups of friends, and I couldn’t crack my way into these cliques because I was too quiet. I couldn’t relate to these kids and vice versa. I remember sitting at lunch tables with strangers who didn’t even look at me, let alone talk to me. I couldn’t talk to my parents about any of my issues because they had enough of their own to deal with. Instead, I spent a lot of time at work or in my room – two of the only places I could forget about my problems. Morrissey used to sing for an amazing British band called The Smithsin the eighties, but I hold his solo albums even closer to my heart. His lyrics are so personal, witty, emotional, and full of meaning. This song in particular spoke to me because I often wished I had some kind of machine that could take me back to the friends and family I had to leave behind. At one point in the song he sings: “Ouija board, Ouija board, Ouija board / Would you help me? / Because I still do feelso horribly lonely /Would you, Ouija board, would you, Ouija board /Would you help me? / And I just can't find my place in this world.” Yep, that pretty much sums up how I felt about life then. Kind of depressing, right? At the same time, I also learned that each moment we live, no matter how seemingly impossible, is just that… only a moment. A flash of time that will not last forever. Life goes on. You can’t let the past control you because it’s all over and done with. The best way to live is in the present. Somehow I think you’d agree with me about this idea.
Track Five: Weezer—“Only in Dreams”
Okay, so it finally happened. I met a girl. I’d dated a couple girls before, but I never found anyone with whom I could really connect. I was always too shy and awkward. But when I met this girl, it was as if I could see sparks in the air. She was cute, intelligent, and we had a lot of things in common. Too bad she didn’t give me the time of day for the first several months I had known her. We had mutual friends, and every time I tried to talk to her, she wouldn’t really say much. It turns out she was shier than I ever was in my younger days. The more we got to know each other, though, the more we became friends. I finally asked her out and we had an amazing time. We went to a Chinese restaurant and we both received ominous messages in our fortune cookies (I think mine said something like, “Be prepared to embark on a new relationship.” Hers said something similar.). Weezer is one of my favorite bands and, lo and behold, they were one of hers, too. This song reminds me of when we first started dating. It felt like a dream because everything was so magical, so memorable. We later danced to it at our wedding. I still can hear the chords of this song in my head and those same feelings still radiate.
Track Six: Jawbreaker—“Oyster”
I bet you never would have thought this once shy kid would become a high school teacher and a writer. I sure never saw it coming. I’ve always loved to write, but I never thought I’d have a book published, which actually happenedin 2009. This is also my seventh year of teaching, and I love working with students and talking to them about writing, literature, movies, music, and life. This Jawbreakersong sends a powerful message. As the lyrics say, “The world is an oyster / locked in a shell.” If you want to do something, you just have to put your mind to it and crack that shell open. That’s one thing I hope my students get out of my classes: forget the names and dates, prompts and rules, what did you learn about yourself and the world you live in? I once felt like most things I did weren’t worthy enough, but over time I’ve come to believe that if you keep trying you can reach your goals. Of course, a person has to be realistic, but that doesn’t mean you can’t shoot for the stars. I work with students who have so much potential and I can see it in their eyes. I know many of them probably don’t realize it yet, but they are going to accomplish so many great things. All they have to do is try. That’s a message I remember you telling me when I was young. I know that you would often act a little gruff when I’d show you my report card (“Why aren’t these all As?”), but then you’d smile, and I knew that you were just pushing me to do better. Your influence made a major impact on my life.
Track Seven:Weezer – “I Do”
So, grandpa, why didn’t anyone tell me that life could get so complicated? How did you get so lucky to find the right person and have it all work out until the end? A couple years ago my wife decided she didn’t want to be married anymore. I was devastated. Life’s sure strange, isn’t it? You try and try and try to meet someone who makes you feel alive, and it works – for a while. But eventually, your self isn’t enough for the other. You are not what they want. So why did they even give you a shot to begin with? Were they desperate? Insecure? There are no answers. Nothing makes sense. Everything is chaos. But sometimes chaos morphs into clarity. There are those moments – so quick that you almost always miss them – that transform us completely. We live our lives for these snippets of time and they are gone before they even really get started. But maybe it’s enough – enough to keep us going. To keep us searching and moving forward; to keep us traveling toward that next moment. And the next one. But what do I know? I’m a person just like you. I know nothing, even though I sometimes think I know everything. But as different as we are, we’re also the same – we’re all searching for happiness. We just have different ways of going about it. If only we could bottle these moments of transcendence and keep them and play them out over and over again. But what’s the point of transcendence without taking the rough road to get there? Anyway, I’m kind of clueless about it. But something tells me there was a lesson in all this. What that lesson is, I’m not exactly sure. But despite all the hard times, I feel like I’m moving forward. Is that a good sign?
Track Eight: The Cure—“Plainsong”
In the midst of all this chaos, I found myself coming unglued. I’d never had my heart broken before, but it was now shattered into a million sandlike fragments. What was I supposed to do? How would I ever move on? I sure had no clue. I was living in a town far away from my family and most of my close friends. I had bills to pay, a job to do, students to teach. So, I did the only thing I could do: I just kept on moving forward. I wrapped myself in a blanket of music, long walks, the laughter of students, and countless long distance conversations with friends. I remember talking your son Rich once about friendship. Uncle Rich has kind of been a mentor figure to me over the years, as we seem to have shared many traits and common experiences. One time I was griping to him about a friend not ditching out on a hang out. Rich said, “Listen, you’ll have friends come and go throughout your life, but if you have enough truly close friends to carry your casket at your funeral – about four or five – that’s quite the accomplishment. People get busy and they go separate ways with their lives. It just happens. Count yourself lucky if you’ve got a few close friends there at the end!” That advice kind of shocked me at first, but I’ve come to realize that it’s sort of true. Although “Plainsong” is more of a “romantic” song, it reminds me of my friends and how important they are to me. They are there for me when I most need them, but they also know how to give me that (sometimes not so) gentle nudge forward. That’s what friends do – they’re there to help you grow and to be your companion on this crazy ride we’re on called life.
Track Nine:Pedro the Lion: “Priests and Paramedics”
The past couple years have been a rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts – anger, sadness, frustration, happiness, guilt, regret, introspection. Who would have ever thought my world would get so turned upside down? “Priests and Paramedics” reminds me that no matter what, life goes on. The song documents a day in the life of a paramedic and all the tragedy he sees around him. Yes, the music and the lyrics are sad, but there is also a verse in the song that makes me think about the possibility of every moment: “As the priest got up to speak/ The assembly craved relief/ But he himself had given up/ So instead he offered them this bitter cup/ ‘You're gonna die, we're all gonna die/ Could be twenty years, could be tonight.’” The vocalist, David Bazan, is right. As Metallica once said, we could “fade to black” at any time. So why waste time worrying about the would-haves, the should-haves, the mistakes, the problems? No, we shouldn’t ignore our faults and frailties, but we should try to live in the present and see all the possibilities that are truly around us. With the right frame of mind, everything looks limitless.
Track Ten: Foo Fighters: “Walk”
I just love the way this song makes me feel. It reminds me a warm, brilliant sunlit morning – the kind of day that is so full of potential and possibility that anything can happen. Yes, I’ve had my ups and downs. As the song says, I’m “learning to walk again.” Although I often fail to see it, each day brings new sunrises and sunsets, new adventures, new experiences, new things to learn about myself and the people with whom I’m close. I get the feeling that these are the types of things you’d want me to know right now. I wish you could have been there with me the past 20-plus years to see all of this, but I get the impression that you’re out there somewhere, that twinkle in your eye gleaming, a knowing nod of the head, and a hearty chuckle. I’ve got so much more to share with you. Here’s to the next part of the journey…