MURDER MYSTERY SHABBAT SCRIPT
Introduction:
Setting – Shiva call. The widow (Mrs. Bodmeyer) is in room. She’s in mourning. Everyone enters and as they enter, each person is given a service and is told, “Mrs. Bodmeyer, the widow, is over there if you’d like to pay your respects.” Even the assigned characters will enter and be told this. Each assigned character will go over to Mrs. Bodmeyer and say something to the effect of, “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss.” “If there’s anything I can do, let me know.” Yada yada. . .
Once we get ready to start,
Rabbi White will start:
Rabbi White: Thank you all for joining us today as we help Mrs. Bodmeyer cope with the loss of her husband, our wonderful benefactor and president of our congregation. Amidst the confusion of all that transpired yesterday, I feel it my duty as your honest, trustworthy spiritual leader – who would never harm a living person – to clear some things up for you. Yesterday, we were all gathered in this same congregation to celebrate the briss of Mrs. Peacockenstein’s son, Joshua [please go up to Josh Greenfield and point to him]. At the end of the wonderful ceremony administered by our dear Mohel, Mohel Greene, my secretary, Ms. Scarletovich found Mr. Bodmeyer murdered in the parking lot.
Miss Huntersfield [says in a loud whisper to Ms. Scarletovich]: I heard that he was hit over the head by a half of one of Mrs. Peacockenstein’s matzo balls. Didn’t I always say she made those things hard as rocks?!
Rabbi White: Throughout the evening, Inspector Gadgetbaum will be asking some of you questions. I ask each of you to cooperate with her so that we can put this matter behind us once and for all.
Inspector Gadgetbaum: I want you to know that I will keep everything you say to me in the strictest of confidence. In any interviews I hold, no one else will be able to hear what you say, and I won’t share anything you say with anyone else.
Rabbi White: I know that in Judaism, we don’t typically sit Shiva on Shabbat. But as you know, we’re just not your typical group of people. We’ll begin our service, as I turn it over to our songleader, Avram.”
INTERVIEW WITH Ms. Scarletovich:
Inspector: So, Ms. Scarletovich, I understand that as the Rabbi’s secretary, people tend to confide in you.
Ms. Scarletovich: Yes, they do.
Inspector: Do you have any information about why anyone would want to kill Mr. Bodmeyer?
Ms. Scarletovich: Well, I heard a few things.
Inspector: Such as. . .
Ms. Scarletovich: Let’s see . . . I know Mr. Bodmeyer was having an affair with our resident congregation celebrity, Miss Huntersfield. He financially backed all of her movies, and it wasn’t until recently that Mrs. Bodmeyer found out about it.
Inspector: I see – is there anyone else?
Ms. Scarletovich: Well, I know that Mr. Bodmeyer was planning to cut Rabbi White's discretionary fund in half – the rabbi wasn’t too happy about that!
Inspector: Very curious. What else?
Ms. Scarletovich: Yesterday, Mr. Bodmeyer got into an argument with both Mrs. Peacockenstein and Cantor Mustardberger. He insulted Mrs. Peacockenstein’s matzo balls and he gave the cantor a harsh criticism. Oh, that cantor has such a quick temper!
Inspector: Wow, this might be a tough case.
Ms. Scarletovich: Don’t forget about Mohel Greene – he performed Mr. Bodmeyer’s son’s briss a few years ago, and they have never really gotten along. And that little Howie Plumowski – he was incredibly mad when he saw the Kiddush cup that Mr. Bodmeyer presented to him at the end of his Bar Mitzvah last weekend.
Inspector: One last question: What were you doing in the parking lot when you discovered Mr. Bodmeyer?
Ms. Scarletovich: I had gone out for a smoke after having some of Mrs. Peacockenstein’s food. The food was OK.
Inspector: Hmm, who would have thought so many people would have motives? I’d better think about this, I’ll let you continue with the service . . .
INTERVIEW WITH RABBI WHITE:
Inspector: Rabbi White, let’s talk. Where were you after the briss?
Rabbi: I was spending time talking with Mrs. Bodmeyer, the poor widow.
Inspector: About what?
Rabbi: I’d rather not say . . . things were said to me in the strictest confidence – however, if Mrs. Bodmeyer wishes to share what she said with me, I will let her do so. She had some . . . personal issues.
Inspector: Did she know that her husband was going to cut your funding?
Rabbi: How’d you hear about that??! Um, no, I don’t think she knew. [Nervously] Wait, you don’t think it was me who killed Mr. Bodmeyer, rest his soul? Come on, I’m a Rabbi, not a butler! So, I was going to lose funding – it’s the least of my problems. I have to deal with counseling the sick and the bereaved. I was with Mrs. Bodmeyer all night consoling her – I can tell you neither she nor I killed her husband, rest his soul.
Inspector: Thanks, Rabbi – I’ll let you continue your service now.
INTERVIEW WITH Mrs. Bodmeyer:
Inspector: Mrs. Bodmeyer, I know it’s a difficult time for you.
Mrs. Bodmeyer [visibly upset]: I know I said I wished he was dead . . .
Inspector: Excuse me?
Mrs. Bodmeyer: A few days ago, I found out that he was sleeping with that Miss Slutsfield, whatever her name is, and I said that I wished he were dead. I’ve said it a hundred times before, and it never happened – why now? Oh, but that Rabbi White has been such a mensch! I couldn’t stand to be at that reception after the briss, I was so distraught, so the rabbi went for a walk with me. We talked, and when we got back, my husband . . . [cry]
Inspector: Tissue?
Mrs. Bodmeyer: No thanks, mine are better quality.
Inspector: We’d better move on. . .
INTERVIEW WITH Cantor Mustardberger:
Inspector: Cantor Mustardberger, I heard that you left pretty quickly after the briss.
Cantor Mustardberger: Yes, I left immediately afterwards – I didn’t even stay for the food. I was . . . not feeling well.
Inspector: Did anyone see you leave?
Cantor Mustardberger: I told the rabbi I was leaving, and then I left.
Inspector: Did the reason you weren’t feeling well have anything to do with an argument with Mr. Bodmeyer?
Cantor Mustardberger: OK, that jerk Bodmeyer told me that last Saturday, I sounded like Bea Arthur. Can you believe that? He said that I had the voice of a Golden Girl?!!! And it wasn’t even Betty White! I didn’t go through years of cantorial training for that kind of abuse! I know I have a temper, and to avoid doing something I’d regret, I decided to go straight to my car as soon as possible and get out of there.
Inspector: Did anyone see you at home?
Cantor Mustardberger: No, I live alone.
Inspector: Thank you, you may now continue with the service . . .
INTERVIEW WITH Mohel Greene:
Inspector: Thanks for cooperating, Mohel Greene
Mohel: No problem.
Inspector: I understand that you and Mr. Bodmeyer did not get along.
Mohel: No, we’ve rubbed one another the wrong way since we met. Still, he asked me to perform his son’s briss. I was shocked, but I still did it. Of course, he was dissatisfied with how things turned out – that’s why we don’t get along: he always complains, and I just don’t have patience for unnecessary complainers.
Inspector: Did you stay for the reception?
Mohel: No. I’ve got a family back home waiting for me. They aren’t usually invited to these things, so I show up, snip the tip and <snap your fingers> I’m outta there, lickety split.
Inspector: [sarcastically] It’s good to see a man who cares about his work. Thank you.
INTERVIEW WITH Miss Huntersfield:
Inspector: So, Miss Huntersfield, I hear you were having an affair with Mr. Bodmeyer.
Miss Huntersfield: Darling, you are correct.
Inspector: Do you know if Mrs. Bodmeyer found out about you?
Miss Huntersfield: [Very composed] Oh, indeed, she did! Her husband was the one who told her – just the other day. He was going to leave her for me.
Inspector: You don’t seem too upset.
Miss Huntersfield: Darling, in the movie business, sometimes you need to make business transactions in innovative ways. I needed someone to fund my upcoming movie. It was going to be a mixture of the movies American Beauty and Princess Bride, but with a Jewish twist. We were going to call it, “Jewish American-Beauty Princess-Bride.” Now, I’ll have to find a new – investor. If you ask me, Mrs. Bodmeyer did it. I mean, her husband was going to leave her and take a lot of his money. Plus, she must have thought she was getting revenge on me by not allowing me to be with her husband. [sarcastically] Oh, the tragedy.
Inspector: Well, thank you for your investigative insight, ma’am. And good luck on that movie – I’ll see it [make a thumbs down and go phhttthhbt – Miss Huntersfield opens her mouth wide in shock]. Let’s move on. . .
INTERVIEW WITH Howie Plumowski
Inspector: Howie, congratulations on your Bar Mitzvah last week!
Howie: Thanks – did you get me a present?
Inspector: Sorry, I didn’t have time to get one [Howie gives investigator an angry look]. I understand that you were not happy with Mr. Bodmeyer last week?
Howie: Yeah! I went through months of having to study and work hard learning my torah portion and get up and sing in front of everyone when I’m going through puberty and my voice is cracking, which will give me a complex for years to come, and all he could do is say, “Great job, here’s a lousy kiddush cup.” Look at this thing!! Does this make up for one of the most embarrassing moments of my life?!
Inspector: I see. Howie, I also found out that your nickname is “The Professor.” Professor Plumowski - why do they call you that?
Howie: ‘Cause look at this [point to your head]. I'm balding and I'm only 13!! I look like an old professor, and I'm really bitter about it!! [really upset] And that stupid Mr. Bodmeyer was the worst! He called me Professor Plum every time he saw me!! Who did he think I was? That shmuck from the board game? It’s about time somebody got him, in the parking lot, with the matzo ball!
Inspector: You don’t really mean that!
Howie: I guess not.
Inspector: I think we should move on. . .
INTERVIEW WITH Mrs. Peacockenstein (she’s sitting next to her son, played by Josh):
Inspector: Mrs. Peacockenstein, I’m so sorry that all of this happened at your party.
Mrs. Peacockenstein: [in a very stereotypically Jewish accent] Can you believe they ruined my little Joshies’ briss? Look at this cute little guy [smoosh his cheeks in], he doesn’t deserve this! And all that food that I cooked – instead of being celebratory food, now I have to bring it for Shiva calls.
Inspector: You were able to cook only days after you had a baby?
Mrs. Peacockenstein: Of course. I’m a determined Jewish mother – have you eaten enough today, honey? You’re looking awful famished. Have one of my matzo balls.
Inspector: I understand that you and Mr. Bodmeyer had gotten into an argument earlier in the evening.
Mrs. Peacockenstein: Oh, that man – the chutzpah! He dared to insult my cooking! Everyone knows I make the best matzo balls around, and HE said they were too hard?!? I just wanted to crown him right on the keppy. Right Joshie? [pinching Josh’s cheeks] That man was mean to your mommy.
Inspector: [a little weirded out] I see. And where were you immediately after the briss?
Mrs. Peacockenstein: I had to run home to get more of my matzo balls – I forgot a batch at home.
Inspector: So, you were out in the parking lot with matzo balls. . .
Mrs. Peacockenstein: Well, there wasn’t any other way to get them from my car to the reception!
Inspector: I see. Thank you very much, Mrs. Peacockenstein – congratulations on your son’s briss.
Mrs. Peacockenstein: Oh, isn’t he the cutest?? [pet Josh on the head]
Inspector: I think we’d better finish this up so that we can get back to the station at Brower.
AT BROWER: All characters remain in character. Non-assigned characters will have character traits that they will be in. Act the role, and if someone asks you a question, improvise based on what you know about your character. You may not know the answer, but make it up as best you can. Cover your butts – blame other characters, have fun with it. You’ll soon find out!!
Eventually: When the inspector calls you, line up behind her.
INSPECTOR: So, I think I have solved this mystery:
Let’s recap, shall we?
•Let’s start with Ms. Scarletovich. She found the body, and was not accounted for at the time of death. Plus, she had a convenient motive for everyone except herself.
•Next, Mohel Greene never got along with Mr. Bodmeyer, and he does work with weapons for a living.
•What about Mrs. Peacockenstein (who already put her son to bed)? She was in the parking lot with matzo balls – the weapon used to kill Mr. Bodmeyer. Plus, she had gotten into an argument with him earlier in the day.
•Cantor Mustardberger also got into a bitter argument with Mr. Bodmeyer and cannot be accounted for around the time of the murder.
•Now there’s Howie “the professor” Plumowski. He had some bitter rants against Mr. Bodmeyer and even seemed glad that he was dead.
•Miss Huntersfield probably didn’t do it – she didn’t really have a motive, but let’s throw her up here, anyway.
•And while we’re at it, let’s bring up the person who is supposed to talk like Scooby-Doo. Anyone who does that is clearly a suspect!
•Which brings me to Rabbi White, who was about to lose half of his discretionary fund and could have done it, though he was with Mrs. Bodmeyer the entire evening following the briss. But, Mrs. Bodmeyer also had plenty of reason to want her husband dead – he was indeed having an affair with Miss Huntersfield, and the widow had even said she wanted him dead. Both she and Rabbi White had a lot at stake.
Before I decide, let me reveal one last piece of evidence: The murder weapon. [Hold up the half of a matzo ball]. Look at this carefully. This confirms my suspicions:
THE MOHEL DID IT!!!!
MOHEL GREENE:
ME? What?!?!!
Inspector: Remember, folks, Mrs. Peacockenstein’s matzo balls are rock hard [Mrs. Peacockenstein looks upset, maybe says, “HEY!”]. Who here has tools that are sharp enough to slice one of her matzo balls in half this neatly?
MOHEL GREENE:
OK, ok, but the guy was suing me for everything I got. He really wasn’t happy with the snip I did on his son, and maybe I messed up a little. He was going to ruin me and ruin my family! And I would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for you pesky kids and your nosy dog.
Person who’s supposed to talk like Scooby-Doo: SCOOBY-DOOBY-DOO!!!!!
Inspector: Thanks for joining in our Murder Mystery Shabbat. . . blah blah, Hope you enjoyed! Shabbat shalom.