Long Distance Relationships: Coping With the Distance
Cigi Farmer
University of Kentucky
The following paper does an in-depth exploration of long distance relationships, it focuses on the issues of geographical separation, and what one can do to cope with the effects of long distance. One of the major themes of the literature review is how communication is a vital component of long distance relationships. Computer mediated communication, a theme from Procter and Adler (2011) is another key aspect of this review, the benefits of CMC are discussed in depth. CMC is a part of today’s culture and effects the level of self-disclosure and satisfaction one gets in a relationship even at a distance. Lastly, this paper discusses how to cope when a long distance relationship couple reunites or unites for the first time with their partner.
KEYWORDS: Long distance relationship (LDR), Computer Mediated Communication (CMC)
Literature Review
Imagine being away from your significant other for a whole week, a day, a month, maybe even a whole year! Let’s face it, no one wants to be away from the person they love. After all isn’t a huge part of a relationship physical? Some would say yes and others would say no. No matter how you slice it, distance is hard, and many long distance relationships cannot make it past a couple of months. If the relationship does make it generally the relationship doesn’t last once the couple is reunited in the same city again. Studies have been performed on long distance relationships, these studies teach us what qualities a relationship must have in order for it to last through the geographical separation. Common themes discovered while studying this topic were also supported by Procter and Adler (2011). Precise and intentional communication is key in making any relationship work, but especially one at a distance. Between communication, computer mediated communication, and learning not to set unrealistic standards, a relationship can thrive and survive in this day in age!
Communication is Key
There is not just one stance on long distance relationships. For some people Long Distance Relationships are ideal. It gives you a chance to live your own life while still having someone to engage with on a deeper level. For others, long distance is tough to deal with and even harder to make it last. Turmoil can come from many different areas, whether it be trust, not getting enough attention, or simply lack of physical touch. Although these things are not enough to end a relationship, they definitely are enough to begin to create tension which can lead to ultimately terminating the relationship. According to Maguire and Kinney in the (2010)article, When Distance is Problematic: Communication, Coping, and Relational Satisfaction in Female College Students' Long-Distance Dating Relationships, “the key to coping with the turmoil in a relationship is first accurately identifying where the stressor is coming from”. If you can pinpoint what is really bothering you then it is easier to help solve the problem. It is common to get upset about something small, but what you are really upset about is a deeper rooted issue. It is important to be able to identify the deeper rooted issue if you want to ever actually fix what is going on. Also, open and honest communication is a must in LDR’s because it is the only way the other person can truly know what the partner is feeling. A huge part of communication is the nonverbal, whenever two people are communicating via cell phone, or internet, if you can’t see the person you cannot identify what they are communicating nonverbally.
Along with pinpointing what the actual problem is, another way for couples in LDR’s to cope is, through communications strategies. According to Sahlstein’s article in (2006) Making Plans: Praxis Strategies for Negotiating Uncertainty–Certainty in Long-Distance Relationships, part of the communication strategy would be, intentionally planning for future interactions. Sahlstein states, “communication strategies can help to bridge the physical discontinuities of every day relating”. Both articles mentioned previously, agree that communication is key in making LDR’s work. A major benefit that LDR’s have in present times that they did not have in the previous years, is the option for Computer Mediated Communication.
Intimacy in Mediated Communication
According to Procter and Adler (2011) states, “researchers now know that mediated communication can be just as personal as face-to-face interaction” (p. 310). They go on to discuss that computer mediated communication (CMC) intimacy can develop just as quickly and intimately has face-to-face. This happens because of the emotional disclosure and confidence one can project through blogging and sharing their feelings through Facebook and instant messaging. These websites and messaging tools provide a way for people to quickly get to know one another and communicate without as much embarrassment that sometimes comes with face-to-face communication. CMC is a huge way of coping with what a relationship lacks. Fifteen years ago, no one would have ever associated a computer with intimacy. As research provides proof, there are many ways for couples in long distance relationships to communicate with one another. But what happens when couples finally reunites for good after being apart for a significant amount of time? Or an even bigger challenge long distance romantic partner’s face, moving closer to one another for the first time. According to the Huffington Post (2012), online dating is the second most common way for romantic partners to meet.
Coping with Convergence
An issue that long distance couples have once reuniting is that they had this relationship so romanticized that what it is in reality is not measuring up to what they made it in their mind. Usually when people in LDRs visit one another they dress their best and are on their best behavior and only show the sides of themselves that they want to show. Once the couple has reunited and living together do they see the others real self. This causes the fairy tale that was built up in their heads to feel like a huge disappointment and eventually ends in termination of the relationship.
As discussed earlier, a benefit that we have in today’s society that was not as common even ten years ago is the internet and social media. With Skype and webcams you can actually see a person when you are talking to them which would make creating unrealistic ideas of a person in your head less likely. If you Skype a person every day, or even just a couple of times a week, you are more likely to see them as their actual self. Also, you will catch facial expressions and some of the nonverbal that you can’t grasp sampling through messaging or even talking on the telephone. By keeping realistic thoughts about your significant other you are more likely to not turn them into some fictional character and give them roles they cannot live up to.
Room for Research Expansion
Although there are scholarly peer reviewed articles on the topic of long distance relationships, the major problem in this field is the lack of recent study. In any field of study there are going to be aspects that need growth and development. There were very few articles written recently on this topic. There is much to be explored with the ever changing world of CMC. For the most part, it is no longer relevant to study using articles on long distance relationships done before CMC was a major component in relationships. A major question for research is, how have long distance relationships evolved since the use of computer mediated communication became a major part of everyday life? Another question that remained after much study on this topic is, are couples who are geographically close more satisfied than those who are not? Swensen and Guldner did a fairly in depth study on this in (1995). They found that couples who were near one another were actually no more satisfied than those who were not. Although for the most part this statement could be taken as valid, this topic being revisited taking the ever changing media into consideration would be very beneficial to those interested in this topic. There are so many more factors present today than nearly 20 years ago in 1995 that could be taken into account.
In Conclusion
In conclusion, maintaining a long distance relationship is not as hard as it was in the past. With careful and precise communication, correctly identifying problems in the relationship, and making intentional plans for the future, long distance relationships can be successful and fulfilling. With the ever so present CMC, communicating and sharing self-disclosure and even having intimacy, is easier at a distance, than ever before. Satisfaction does not necessarily stem from how often or how little two people spend time together. The bottom line is, to have relational success at a distance one must be an effective and intentional communicator no matter what means the person chooses to enact that communication. Whether it be computer, telephone or even “snail mail”. Because of the advances in technology relationships can advance even farther and faster with the use of the internet. Finally, remain true to yourself in order to avoid building unreachable expectations for the relationship. It is important not to romanticize a person into something they are not. If you follow these few communication and expectation guidelines, it is sure to make maintaining a relationship at a distance easier, and help you and your partner cope with the struggles along the way.
Citations:
Maguire, K. C., & Kinney, T. A. (2010). When Distance is Problematic: Communication, Coping, and Relational Satisfaction in Female College Students' Long-Distance Dating Relationships. Journal Of Applied Communication Research, 38(1), 27-46. doi:10.1080/00909880903483573
Merolla, A. J. (2010). Relational Maintenance and Noncopresence Reconsidered: Conceptualizing Geographic Separation in Close Relationships. Communication Theory (10503293), 20(2), 169-193. doi:10.1111/j.1468-2885.2010.01359.x
Sahlstein, E. (2010). Communication and Distance: The Present and Future Interpreted through the Past. Journal Of Applied Communication Research, 38(1), 106-114. doi:10.1080/00909880903483615
Sahlstein, E. M. (2006). Making Plans: Praxis Strategies for Negotiating Uncertainty–Certainty in Long-Distance Relationships. Western Journal Of Communication, 70(2), 147-165. doi:10.1080/10570310600710042