Libretto by Mike Levin
PLEASUREMAN
Libretto by Mike Levin
ACT ONE
Scene 1
Riverview Park, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. It is evening and the skyline shines in the background. There is a bench, some shrubs and trees. People stroll about and cross the stage. GRACE walks on and addresses the audience. Other people listen to her message and join in the singing.
“SUPERHERO”
GRACE
Who is going to fill MY need?
Who is going to help ME dream?
Who is going to take MY hopes
And make them reign supreme?
I WANT A BOY WITH SOME MUSCLES
AND SOMEONE WHO HAS A CLUE
HE HAS TO BE KINDA NORMAL
AND A METROSEXUAL TOO
I want a superhero to make my life complete
i want to make the fictitious real
i have many DESIRES THAT just need a simple guy
a guy who rides in A supermobile
(CHORUS disperses and continues to engage in “park activities”. MAYOR BIGGS and OFFICER FRIENDLY enter on opposite sides of the stage.)
MAYOR BIGGS
Good morning, Officer Friendly.
OFFICER FRIENDLY
Good morning, Mayor.
MAYOR BIGGS
And a swell morning it is, isn’t it?
OFFICER FRIENDLY
Well, I don’t know, Mayor.
MAYOR BIGGS
What seems to be the problem, Officer?
OFFICER FRIENDLY
it turns out we’ve all been lied to
a life in crime can really pay
the man is goimng t0o eat you
greed is the ONLY way
mankind sure needs fixing
Prescription drugs they just don’t work
Your mom can only do so much
Your dad JUST WORKS AND WORKS
MAYOR BIGGS
I didn’t know you were a philosopher.
OFFICER FRIENDLY
I’m a regular Socrates.
MAYOR BIGGS
And a pessimist?
OFFICER FRIENDLY
My half-over life sucks.
MAYOR BIGGS
A superhero, huh?
OFFICER FRIENDLY
A real superhero.
MAYOR BIGGS
That’d be different.
(THEY exit. A TRANSIENT comes enters as does SCOTT MORRIS during the
song.)
MR. MORRIS
women tend not to notice me
I am just an average guy
What if I could pick up cars
Or what if I could fly?
maybe then they would dig me
but I just don’t have any flair
i’m sure it will all come to me
with the costume i wear
I’ll be a superhero I wonder if that’s too weird
Will women think that it is too surreal
I’ll be a superhero but i’m somewhat at a loss
i’m made out of flesh not out of steel
(CHORUS reconvenes.)
CHORUS
What are we to do?
we’re lost in the wilderness.
where is our xanandu?
we won’t take any less.
Superhero where are you?
SUPERHERO WHERE ARE YOU?
CHORUSMR. MORRIS
Who is going to fill our need?I am going to fill their needs
Who is going to help us dream?I am going to help their dreams
Who is going to take our hopesI am going to take their hopes
And make them reign supreme?And make them reign supreme
WHERE ARE THE MEN WITH BIG MUSCLES?I AM A MAN WITH NO MUSCLES
WHERE ARE THE GIRLS WITH GREATI’M NOT A GIRL WITH A GREAT PHYSIQUE PHYSIQUE
WHERE O WHERE IS THE MUTANT FREAKWILL I BE ABLE TO CUT IT
THAT WE CAN PUT TO THE TEST?WHEN I AM PUT TO THE TEST?
We want a superhero someone with flashiness
WE WANT A SUPERHERO ONE WHO WILL NEVER REST
(The following lines are spoken by various members of the CHORUS as the CHORUS sings:)
WHERE IS THIS PLEASUREMAN?
WHO IS OUR PLEASUREMAN?
GIVE US SOME PLEASUREMAN?
AAAAAAH
ACT ONE
Scene 2
Central High School. Scene opens on a class as MR. MORRIS is teaching his high school senior English class Byron’s classic, Don Juan.
MR. MORRIS
No more – no more – oh, never more, my heart,
Canst thou be my sole world, my universe!
Once all in all, but now a thing apart,
Thou canst not be my blessing or my curse.
(Closes book.)
Lord Byron. Love bites. Love bleeds. It lives. It dies. And Don Juan has consciously vowed that he is flipping the switch and turning his heart off. Can you imagine being in that state?
STUDENT #1
The state of boringland?
MR. MORRIS
Spoken like a teenager, Mr. Anderson. How could you ever consider this boring?
STUDENT #1
Too many thee’s and thou’s.
MR. MORRIS
Imagine someone in 200 years trying to interpret the way you speak. I don’t even understand you now. But imagine someone trying to read one of your love letters.
STUDENT #2
You mean Anderson knows how to write?
MR. MORRIS
Look past the language. While you might not get every nuance, you’re still going to get the umph of the message. Now, have any of you young, innocent adolescents ever been in love?
STUDENT #3
Well, Jason’s pretty hot.
MR. MORRIS
I’m afraid that is lust. I’m talking about the place where life and love are one as Don Juan speaks? Where your passion burns so hot that you place ice on your heart and it evaporates instantly to steam?
STUDENT #4
Mr. Morris, are we allowed to talk about this stuff at school?
MR. MORRIS
This “stuff” is the greatness of literature.
STUDENT #4
It sounds pornographic.
MR. MORRIS
Let it seep into your veins. “Beauty is truth. Truth beauty. That is all ye know on earth and all ye need to know”. John Keats. Where are some of the places you find beauty?
STUDENT #5
Snowboarding?
MR. MORRIS
Indeed.
STUDENTS
Art? Food! Nature. Farting? Cosmo.
STUDENT #3
Books?
MR. MORRIS
Brown nosing will get you an A in this class, Ms. Quinn. You know that. Where do you find beauty, Mr. Johnson?
BARRY
Uh … chicks?
MR. MORRIS
Are you trying to suck up, too?
BARRY
(Sarcastically.)
Duh: No. Chicks are hot. Or not. But they can be hot.
MR. MORRIS
Eloquently stated, Mr. Johnson.
(Bell rings.)
Canto II for homework over the weekend. Make sure you have a cold shower nearby.
(The class starts to leave as BARRY approaches GRACE and JUDE hangs in the back of the class.)
BARRY
Grace, meet me for lunch.
GRACE
Really?
BARRY
Barry Johnson means what he says and he says lunch.
GRACE
Okay.
BARRY
I’ll pick you up at the nerd table. And, you’ll have to buy my lunch again today. I’m a little short on cashola.
GRACE
Okay. I’ll see you then.
BARRY
If you’re lucky.
(BARRY exits.)
JUDE
Hey, Grace.
GRACE
What’s up, Jude?
JUDE
Listen I was kind of wondering if you were doing anything this weekend.
GRACE
Well, I’m kind of … busified … I think Barry …
JUDE
Hey, that’s okay. It wasn’t like I was asking you out on a date or anything I was just wondering if you wanted …
GRACE
Yeah. No. Hey, I’ll see you around.
JUDE
Biology. Monday. First period. Right. Sorry.
(GRACE exits. JUDE looks sullen as MR. MORRIS approaches him.)
MR. MORRIS
You know, I think she digs you.
JUDE
Are you trying to make a grown teenager cry.
MR. MORRIS
Come on. There’s a vast ocean of women out there, tiger.
JUDE
But Grace is different. I don’t know why she even talks to Barry. She’s so much classier …
MR. MORRIS
Buck up. That’s nothing. Mark my words, prom is coming up and you’ll go with Grace. If you do your homework and read up on Don Juan.
JUDE
Whatever. Later, Mr. M.
MS. BROOKS
(Who has been standing in the doorway:)
How much do you charge for relationship advice?
MR. MORRIS
Standard teaching fee: Fifty-two cents an hour.
MS. BROOKS
Well, you’re quite the psychiatrist. I’ve thought about going into the field.
MR. MORRIS
Actually, therapy’s overrated. Did I ever tell you my therapist went crazy on me.
MS. BROOKS
No. What happened?
MR. MORRIS
She told me all my addictions were bad for me, so I walked out on her.
MS. BROOKS
I have to ask, what are you addicted to?
MR. MORRIS
I’m not sure I should be telling this to the principal. But, let’s just say I used to be a lot more neurotic than I am now.
MS. BROOKS
None of this was on your resume when I hired you, was it?
MR. MORRIS
Check my transcripts. Introduction to the Neurotic Teacher was the first class I took. You ever met a normal teacher?
MS. BROOKS
Good point. We’re meeting down at the pub for drinks. You coming?
MR. MORRIS
Boy, I’d love to but I’ve got … a thing?
MS. BROOKS
Well, you better schedule in next week. If you don’t start throwing drinks down, you are fired, mister.
MR. MORRIS
Have a good weekend, Rebecca.
MS. BROOKS
You too, Scott.
(MS. BROOKS leaves and MR. MORRIS checks at the door to make sure everyone has left. And he begins to change into his PLEASUREMAN costume.)
MR. MORRIS
I shall bring pleasure unto the world.
My tongue pronounces the creed,
my eyes speak of love,
my heart is full of passion,
my head reels with thoughts of pleasure.
(JUDE reenters the classroom, presumably to retrieve something he left there.)
I AM …
JUDE
Mr. Morris?
MR. MORRIS
Jude?
JUDE
What are you doing?
MR. MORRIS
I was … not … I’m getting ready for class.
JUDE
What kind of class are you getting ready for?
PLEASUREMAN
Well, that’s complicated, Jude.
JUDE
Why are you wearing that?
PLEASUREMAN
This?
JUDE
Yeah.
PLEASUREMAN
Why am I wearing this?
JUDE
Why are you wearing that?
PLEASUREMAN
Let me ask you something. Have you ever heard of Pleasureman?
JUDE
The new superhero guy? I thought that was just a rumor. Are you him?
PLEASUREMAN
Well …
JUDE
Get out. You’re him, aren’t you?
PLEASUREMAN
I am he.
JUDE
Boy howdy! I mean, wow! It sounds so dirty … Pleasurman. What, what, what kind of pleasures do you give.
PLEASUREMAN
Whatever people need.
JUDE
That is so bizarre.
PLEASUREMAN
Jude, it’s going to be hard, but you know you can’t tell anyone.
JUDE
I gotta tell everyone. I can’t believe this.
PLEASUREMAN
Truth is stranger than fiction.
JUDE
There’s so many questions. Why … why … well, why?
PLEASUREMAN
The perennial question: why? To answer that, I invite you to join me in my crusade.
JUDE
What?
PLEASUREMAN
Join me. Every night is a cornucopia of adventure filled with scrumptiousness.
JUDE
I don’t know, I’m just …
PLEASUREMAN
Overwhelmed? Is your mind blown like a pocketful of dynamite?
JUDE
Actually, I’m a little freaked out. You’re my teacher. I’m supposed to look up to you.
PLEASUREMAN
Yes … and now you shall be my disciple. I will teach you the ways to bring pleasure to the masses.
JUDE
Even Grace?
PLEASUREMAN
Especially Grace.
JUDE
Okay, I’ll do it.
PLEASUREMAN
But first we must find you a name …
JUDE
A name?
PLEASUREMAN
And a costume.
JUDE
Wait, wait, wait. I am not dressing up in any costume. You look ridiculous.
PLEASUREMAN
You must. It is with anonymity that we superheroes perform.
JUDE
It’s hard to believe …
PLEASUREMAN
I want you to remember something: with image, comes talent.
JUDE
Does mine have to look like that? I mean, can I at least attempt to look groovy?
PLEASUREMAN
Absolutely. Of course, we’ll have to coordinate our colors and styles. I mean, I can’t be an autumn with you a spring. Naturals and pastels clash like a mother. Let me retire to the theatre department and see what I can find.
(HE leaves.)
“I THOUGHT HE WAS NORMAL”
JUDE
This is odd, Really strange, Kind of Twilight Zone-y
Gee, mr. morris is a freak
what a trippy way to end the week
it might just be that i’m in luck
or that all logic’s run amok
but if what you say is true
then what am i to do?
This is weird, Really freaky, Definitely new
does he REALLY DRESS UP AT NIGHT?
AND THIS WHOLE YEAR I THOUGHT he was UPTIGHT.
man, MR. MORRIS I DON’T KNOW
THIS BREAKS THE TEACHER-student STATUS QUO.
But if what you say is true
then I might follow you.
And I thought he was normal
I really thought he wasn’t weird
and now a bond between us
HAS APPEARED
Who would’ve thought? This could happen? To me?
YET I’M AFRAID I JUST CAN’T SEE
How wearing funny costumes will help me.
MY PARENTS MIGHT BECOME DISMAYED
I WONDER IF THIS WILL AFFECT MY GRADE
BUT if it’s all I can do
then let me follow you.
And I thought HE was normal
I thought I was normal TOO
LIFE’S ABOUT TO BECOME
SOMETHING NEW
this changes what I am to be
this changes everything
including MY DESTINY
Which I thought was normal too.
ACT ONE
Scene 3
Riverview Park. PLEASUREMAN and EROSBOY walk on stage.
PLEASUREMAN
How do you feel?
EROSBOY
I feel like an idiot.
PLEASUREMAN
That too will pass. You are ready to go - Erosboy. Do you know what eros is?
EROSBOY
Well, the Romans identified him with Cupid. But originally he was the Greek god of love.
PLEASUREMAN
Indeed. It’s important to know our roots. My first choice for your name was Loverboy, but I’m afraid the stigma of bad 80s songs is simply too much, even for a superhero.
EROSBOY
Do I get any weapons?
PLEASUREMAN
The only weapons you’ll need are aphrodisiacs.
EROSBOY
Boy howdy!
PLEASUREMAN
Okay, now our journey begins. Rule of pleasure numero uno: pleasure must feel good. You have an instant to look at the person and, BAM, that’s what would give them satisfaction, happiness.
(A GIRL and her MOTHER walk on.)
Ochimama. Here goes. Watch closely. Mental notes.
PLEASUREMAN
(HE jumps in front of THEM.)
Would you like a balloon animal, little girl?
(The GIRL screams and starts crying.)
MOTHER
What are you doing? Get away from my daughter you creep.
PLEASUREMAN
You lack understanding, madam. I am a superhero.
MOTHER
You freak.
PLEASUREMAN
Call me what you must. But I for one am a “freak” who is prepared to fight for pleasure.
MOTHER
You sick monster. What is your problem? Thanks for upsetting my daughter, jerk.
PLEASUREMAN
Can I make you a giraffe? How about a silly little hat?
MOTHER
(And SHE takes GIRL by the arm and drags her off stage, calling:)
Police! Police!
PLEASUREMAN
You see, Erosboy, people aren’t used to receiving pleasure, so they sometimes resist it. They would rather be wrapped up in their big hunk of 9-5 cubicle world than to take pleasure in a balloon animal.
EROSBOY
Are you sure we can’t get arrested?
PLEASUREMAN
Maybe. Quite possibly. However I put an itty bitty word called faith into my work. But we must be careful. That little girl may be in therapy for years because mommy wouldn’t let the funny looking man make a balloon animal for her. She has been denied - pleasure. And she will pay the price.
(A MAN walks across the stage.)
Ah. Here comes an average looking gentleman. Quick. What would bring him pleasure?
EROSBOY
I don’t know. Maybe a compliment?
PLEASUREMAN
Good thinking. Here goes.
(PLEASUREMAN walks up to the MAN. EROSBOY hangs back.)
Sir, might I say you are looking handsome this beautifully moonlit evening. Very debonair.
MAN #2
Who da hell are you?
PLEASUREMAN
I am Pleasureman.
MAN #2
More like … gayman. Get lost.
(Exits)
PLEASUREMAN
You were right, Erosboy. That man needed a compliment.
EROSBOY
Are all your interactions this bad?
PLEASUREMAN
As a teacher in the public school system, I deal with constant rejection, so I know a lot about it. A lot. With the public, it merely begins as denial. But that man is walking away thinking, “Wow, some guy dressed up in a strange costume thinks I look handsome. And, hey, I do look good. I’ve been losing weight. Got a haircut, fresh shave. I am a hot potato.” In the moment, he merely expresses it as homophobia. Do I accept that? Absostinkinlutely.
EROSBOY
I guess I have a lot to learn.
PLEASUREMAN
Oh, you do, Erosboy. You do.
(WOMAN #1 walks across the stage. PLEASUREMAN pushes EROSBOY into the distance, perhaps behind a bush.)
PLEASUREMAN
Ave Maria. What do you see?
EROSBOY
A woman?
PLEASUREMAN
Indeed. Lovely and fearful, so it is with the female persuasion. This is where I do my best work.
EROSBOY
Okay, good luck.
PLEASUREMAN
Luck? Luck is for those without skill.
(Calls out.)
Madam, I have seen you. I admire you. I desire only you.
(Looks around, SHE ignores it. HE says it again, a little louder.)
Madam, I have seen you. I admire you. I desire only you.
WOMAN #1
Hello? What are you doing behind the bush? If you’re doing what I think you’re doing …
PLEASUREMAN
I have seen you. I admire you. I desire you, Madam.
WOMAN #1
You are a man of few words.
PLEASUREMAN
I am straight to the point.
WOMAN #1
Your eyes. I never saw such eyes.
PLEASUREMAN
Don’t be afraid of them.
WOMAN #1
They’re so … so …
PLEASUREMAN
Yes. They are. So very so.
WOMAN #1
Who are you?
PLEASUREMAN
‘Tis the hour of love and I am Pleasureman.
WOMAN #1
You have one heck of a name to live up to.
PLEASUREMAN
If my name is love. Freedom. Pleasure. And it is. Literally. Well, then, yes, I suppose I do have a big name to fulfill.
(Pulls out a kiwi.)
WOMAN #1
Come home with me. I hate to sleep alone.
PLEASUREMAN
Why?
WOMAN #1
I’m afraid of ghosts.
PLEASUREMAN
That’s abstract. Young lady, you move so fast. Let us first partake in the eating of a kiwi under the quarter gibbous, silver-slivered liquid moon.
(THEY stroll off.)
EROSBOY
Psst! Hey! Pleasureman! I don’t believe it.
(Pause)
I’m out of my comfort zone. What the heck am I doing? I can’t believe I’m wearing this. In Riverview Park. What was I thinking? Pleasureman?
(LIBERATA and SUFFRAGIRL abruptly enter the scene.)
LIBERATA
Hey! You! What’s the E stand for?
EROSBOY
What?
SUFFRAGIRL
Let me guess: You’re with him.
EROSBOY
Who?
LIBERATA
The heathen?
SUFFRAGIRL
The pervert?
LIBERATA
The pig?
EROSBOY
Listen I’m just … I have no idea what I’m doing or why I’m here. I’m kind of just … I want my mom.
LIBERATA
You do look young to be a superhero. Are you his sidekick?
EROSBOY
I guess?
LIBERATA
I can’t believe how absolutely ticked off I am now. It’s not enough that he jumps on the superhero bandwagon, but then he has to take you on. What’s your name?