Leaflet for CUSAB

Is your Child's sexual behaviour normal or of concern?

What is normal sexual behaviour?

Children and young people will have a curiosity about bodies, both their own and others. Masturbation is used as a self-soothing behaviour. Games may be played like "doctors" where turns may be taken for you show me yours and I will show you mine.

As children reach their teenage years these behaviours develop and some sexual activity with their peers will begin. This will include fondling, kissing, and penetration.

What is abnormal sexual behaviour?

This behaviour is often seen as an obsessive pre-occupation. It may involve re-enactment of specific adult sexual activity. It is likely to involve coercion and is not easily re-directed.

As these children reach their teenage years they may try sexual play with younger children. This is likely to involve coercion, bribes and threats.

Please note that the area of abnormal sexual behaviour can be a difficult one and may leave you feeling confused as to whether sexual behaviour is normal or not.

When thinking of whether sexual behaviour is seen as abusive or not please be aware of the following:

The age and power difference between the children involved
What activity has occurred
Whether both parties agreed and had the ability to know what they were agreeing to
Whether aggression, violence or threats were involved
Whether there were any attempts to keep it secret
The victim's view of the incident.

For Example.

Paul 14 years old masturbates in his bedroom. Acceptable.

Lee 14 Years old masturbates in a children's park. Unacceptable.

Emma (15yrs) is babysitting for Lucy (5yrs). Emma asks Lucy to touch her private parts and she in turn touches Lucy's. Lucy says 'no' but Emma threatens to tell Lucy's parents that she had been naughty if she doesn't do it.

The concern in this example is that Emma is older than Lucy and in a position of trust. Emma also uses threats to carry out the abuse.

Child Sexual Development.

It is important to remember that all children develop at different rates.

Their sexual knowledge and sexual development also varies. For children who may have been involved in sexually abusive behaviour their sexual development will be of a very different nature.

For example

A 9-year-old child who may be within the normal boundaries of sexual development and experimentation may begin to become sexually aware masturbating in private and asking direct questions regarding sexual matters.
A 9 year old child who may have been involved in sexually abusive behaviour may be displaying 'adult like' knowledge of sexual behaviour. This child may be obsessed about sexual matters and may behave sexually towards to adults. There may also be an age or ability difference between the children involved in the sexual activity.

Further examples for older children are as follows:

A child young person aged between 10-18yrs who is involved in the normal bounds of sexual behaviour will start to become attracted to their peers with an increase in masturbation. Sexual relationships with peers may begin which will be of a consensual nature.
A child young person aged between 10-18yrs who may be involved in sexually abusive behaviour. May take part in attempting to expose themselves to others. They may make sexual contact with younger or more vulnerable children and have sexual contact without others permission. They may be involved in making obscene phone calls and watching porn that involves other children.

Sexual behaviours that are always a concern for any age child or young person are as follows:

If violence or aggression is used.
If a child inserts an object into another child
If a child or young person tries or does anything sexual with an animal
If there are threats of harm or of keeping the activity secret

Questions and Answers

Does this mean my child has been abused?

There is a commonly held believe that most children and young people who sexually abuse others are repeating their own experiences of being sexually abused. This is not always true.

However research has shown that both boys and girls under the age of 10 yrs who display signs of 'abnormal sexual behaviour' are more likely to have been sexually abused themselves.

Studies on teenage men who sexually abuse show that 50% of these have been sexually abused themselves. Further studies show that for this age range the young person who sexually abuses has had some kind of abusive or traumatic life experience.

Research regarding girls is not so common. However girls displaying sexually abusive behaviour are more likely than the young men to have been sexually abused.

Will my child always be like this?

It is recognised that some young people may be less likely to abuse again than others, but for some the sexually abusive behaviour can become repetitive.

The difference between these two possible outcomes has a lot to do with the amount of help a young person receives. This includes from family members as well as professionals.

Can any thing be done for my child?

Yes. If support and help is offered as soon as possible the young person is less likely to become 'hooked' on the feelings created by the abuse. Another factor is the amount of other positive aspects in their life. Like the support you can offer as parents.

What can I do as a parent?

Provide help and support to the young person to deal with all situations in their life.
Encourage positive protective factors. For example to not be alone with young children if this is a tempting prospect. To consider being with an adult when young children are around.
Support the work carried out by professionals
Be consistent with the work by the professionals and what is reinforced at home.

What do I tell other people?

Other Children in the Family

Saying nothing may seem like the easiest thing to do. In fact it really isn't the best way forward. There are no clear-cut answers to these questions. What you say and to whom will depend on many things, like how old the children are and the nature of abuse that has taken place. It will also depend on whether the young person who has abused has remained at home.

The following can help you in deciding what to say.

You should consider what might happen if you do not tell the other children in the family. For example they may hear rumours at school or comments in the local community.
Your children might need to know what is "ok" and what isn't "ok" regarding sexual behaviour. So they know what to do if any kind of abusive approach is made to them.
As a basic principle it is beneficial for siblings to be informed about issues that directly affect them.

Other people in the community

There is generally little understanding around issues for children and young people who have sexually abused. This can mean that the young people and families can at times be faced with negative feelings and responses from the communities in which they live.

Many people feel afraid that their children are at risk. This is fuelled by negative newspaper reports about 'paedophiles'.

The following may be of help to you in dealing with other people's questions.

If someone asks you directly you may wish to answer by saying there is a problem, that you are working to resolve it, but make it clear that you do not wish to discuss any of the details.
Do not feel forced or put on the spot. If you do want to tell some one plan what you are going to say and be aware of the consequences.
Don't feel guilty about keeping details from people. Few families share all of their problems with people in the street.
If you do tell a close friend. Make sure that they are trustworthy and know that this information is confidential.
If in doubt talk to a social worker or other professional about this.

Will my Child be on a list?

Child Protection Register

This register is kept in each local area by social services on behalf of all the professional agencies. This is a record of children who need protection because they are at some kind of risk.

A young person who is displaying sexually abusive behaviour may be placed on the register if they are felt to be at risk themselves.

Also the siblings of a sexually abusive young person may be placed on the register if they are felt to be at risk.

Sex Offender Register

This register is a list of young people and adults who have a conviction or caution for a sexual offence. This is held by the police. If your child's name is put on this register, more detail will be given to you at that time.

Schedule One Offender

This is a term you may have heard of. This refers to someone who has been convicted of violence against a child under the age of 18. If a person has a Schedule One conviction Social Services, Probation and the Police will have to look at what risk the person might pose to other people in the home or in the community.

What Support is there for me as a parent?

There may well be a number of professionals involved with the family. These include Police, Social Workers, or a Psychologist.

Ask as many questions, as you need to. They are there to provide you with support as well as working with your child.

There are a number of excellent books available including;

'Facing the Future ' A Guide for Parents of Young People Who Have Sexually Abused. By Simon Hackett

Russell House Publishing. (Tel 01297-443948) E- Mail:

Also see the list of telephone numbers at the end of this leaflet.