Analyzing an Effective Essay
Writing an effective college essay is hard. Successful essays do not follow prescribed rules and focus on details specific to the individual.
Below is one successful, effective essay along with comments on what makes the essay so effective. Read through the essay and the attached comments to get a sense for how this author crafted a successful essay.
Prompt: Jot a note to your future roommate relating a personal experience that reveals something about you.
It was 2:00 am, and our forty-fourth continuously awake hour was only minutes away.
In defense of our gross sleep-deprivation, we did have good reason: we really wanted to win. The Georgetown Model UN was the competitive opportunity of a lifetime, and Pat Casey – my partner – and I really wanted to do our best.
Sitting feet away from each other, Pat and I sat lifelessly stooped over desks. A silence hung over the room, broken only by the occasional shuffle of paper and scribbling of pen.
And then, an event explainable only by the length and depth of our friendship occurred. Without signal or word, both of us slowly turned and looked at the other.
Large dark bags stood in sharp contrast to Pat’s hazel eyes. His shoulders were stooped, framing a sullen face punctured only the straight line of his lips. His body sat limp like a scarecrow missing some stuffing.
And as we sat there, staring, both our heads started to nod as a smile appeared on his face and then mine. And then we started to laugh, louder and louder, as we came to terms with the ridiculousness of our situation. Then, laughing finished, we wordlessly prepared ourselves for bed with a faint, tired smile on both our faces.
Four days later, returning how with the “Best Delegation” award, we agreed on two things: our sacrifice was worth it, and no one would ever hear about that 44-hour thing.
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1. The author starts with a detail-rich, odd sentence describing how the author had stayed up for 44 continuous hours. The sentence creates a sense of time – it’s 2:00 am – and already gives a sense for the author’s personality.
2. The author takes a large risk in this sentence and makes an explicit statement – “we really wanted to win”. This is generally a dangerous statement but the author helps defuse potential concern by justifying this attitude – “it’s the competitive opportunity of a lifetime” – and introducing his partner.
3. The author uses this short paragraph communicates what two individuals who have been up for 44 hours look like. The paragraph uses a vivid description – “lifelessly stooped” – and creates an appropriately ridiculous setting.
4. Again the author uses strong wording to convey a sense for the experience. “His body sat limp like a scarecrow missing some stuffing” is probably a sentence no admissions officer has ever read and conveys a sense for how the author can use imagery to describe ideas and experiences.
5. The author takes a relatively bizarre storyline and context and inserts a real-sense of deprecation, human frailty and friendship in this paragraph. The author seems to advance a few points in this pithy paragraph: he is competitive, aware about his ridiculousness and is close to his friend and partner.
6. Concluding the essay, the essayist revisits an initial point – his competitive nature, which the author has obviously decided not to hide. The author helps soften the potential bluntness of this point by alluding to the ridiculousness of what winning required and his embarrassment at what they had been willing to undergo.
Overall
The essayist takes some significant risks in this essay but ends up creating a unique, rich personal portrayal of the essayist’s personality and style in very few words. Though the author may have been able to convert some of the more explicit statements into more ‘showing’ than ‘telling’, the author creates a successful essay that conveys a unique personality and a sense of introspection and self-awareness.