JAKE S REVENGE (Stage Play)

JAKE’S REVENGE (Stage Play)

The excerpt of the script may be read for free below. The full script can be purchased for Kindle at amazon.com or as a hard copy directly from Gregory J. Lavelle by calling at (440) 724-4538 or emailing at . Royalties to produce the work are negotiable.

SYNOPSIS

Jake, a cranky man is his sixties, is found gagged and duct-taped to a chair in Jake’s Diner, his restaurant, thirty-five miles from civilization in the desert in Arizona, half-way between the Grand Canyon and the Twilight Zone. Upon being rescued, Jake claims to have been tied up by a couple of extraterrestrials with the alias’ of Mary and Joseph.

Jake, on psychiatric disability, is off his meds. Although paranoid, Jake is brilliant and miserly, impecunious, penny pinching and above all cheap, not to mention, devious. Jake plots his revenge. Jake determines to clue the FBI in on the existence of Mary and Joseph so that the Furrow Worm Beings of Molnova bring them to justice. Jake believes that the Furrow Worm Beings, who look a lot like those shriveled up hot dogs nobody buys in those out of the way convenience stores, and who communicate through telepathy, monitor the FBI and CIA to make sure that humans are not aware of the fact that extraterrestrials are present on Earth. Jake claims that had been told by a couple of tourist Worm Beings named Fred and Ethel that that their interstellar transport units are made to look like hot dog grills and that Worm Beings roll around in them, spa like, until time for their departure. Jake buys one of the so-called “grills” and awaits the arrival of one of the Worm Beings to reap his revenge on Mary and Joseph. With a logical plan like that, there is no possible way that Jake could fail.

Jake’s Revenge is a sequel to the award-winning Jake’s Dilemma. Perhaps even a crazy squirrel finds an acorn now and again – again.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

JAKEMale, 60’s

ALICEFemale, attractive, 30’s

HARLEYMale, 40’s

DANMale, teens to 20’s

LOUMale, slim, young

SANDYFemale, attractive, young

BERTMale, fit, 30+

MARYFemale, 30’s

JOSEPHMale, 30’s

DEWEYMale, 50+ (may double with Harley)

CHEATHAMMale (may double with Harley)

ANN HOWEFemale (may double with Sandy)

JUDGEAny age and gender (may double with Harley)

All scenes take place in Jake’s Diner, near Supai, Arizona, thirty-five miles from civilization, near the border of the Twilight Zone.

ACT I

SCENE 1

HOUSE LIGHTS DOWN

STAR WARS MUSIC

SPACE INVADERS GAME SOUNDS

The curtain is closed. HARLEY, a deputy sheriff, enters from the rear of the theater and stands with a flashlight, pointing it in the door, stage left.

Game over, Earthling.

HARLEY(shouting) Huh? Hey, Jake. You in there? It’s me, Harley. (peers in the stage left window) (to himself) Huh, there’s a light on. Jake wouldn’t leave a light on. (sarcastic, building, more aggravated with each statement as he crosses to center stage) Oh, no, Jake would never leave a light on. (broadly imitating Jake, loudly and sarcastically) Good God. Can’t leave a light on. That would cost him sixty-three point two cents over the course of the century. (shouting, more frustrated) Jake, are you in there? (moves toward stage right, still trying to peer in) (grumbling) Aww, come on Jake.

Game over, Earthling.

HARLEYWhat’d you say? (listens for five seconds) Alice is worried about you, Jake. (grumbling to himself as he moves to the door stage right) Why she should care, I don’t know. Why would anyone care about a paranoid old coot like you? (peering in the window, stage right mulling to himself) Of course, you are the only employer within thirty-five miles. Jake’s Diner is the only choice for food or gas out here in the middle of the desert in Arizona. Maybe she cares about the job – for what it’s worth. (chuckles to himself as he crosses back to center stage) But, then again, Alice workin’ here gives her the opportunity to pow wow with the braves out by the reservation, telling the hubby she workin’ late here doing inventory. (chuckles, and sings with a twang while he moves to another spot) She’s headin’ for the cheatin’ side o’ town.

Game over, Earthling.

HARLEYHuh? What ? I can hear ya in there Jake. What’d you say ? (listens for about ten seconds) Aaaaa. To heck with you then. I don’t care. Go ahead and croak. You’ll save the customers from having to endure a combination of the third degree, the Inquisition and a root canal by way of the rectum in order to get an extra packet of mustard. (shouting, head wagging insolent) Oh, no, Jake does not hand out condiments willy nilly. Oh, no. No way. Noooot willy-nilly. (crosses back to stage left)

Game over, Earthling.

HARLEYHuh? What? (peers in window, stage left) Oh, heck, it’s just that silly space invaders machine. (Harley turns to leave and takes a few steps toward center stage)

JAKE(muffled from behind curtain) Mrmmmph.

HARLEYHuh?

JAKE(muffled, from behind curtain) Mrmmmph.

HARLEYI hear ya. I’m comin’.

HARLEY uses the butt of his gun, miming breaking the window.

GLASS BREAKING

HARLEY opens the curtain. HARLEY enters.

HARLEYI can’t see. Where the hell is the light switch?

HARLEY stumbles around and ties back the stage left curtain.

JAKE(muffled) Mrmmmmph..

HARLEYI can hear ya, Jake. Where the hell are ya?

JAKE(muffled) Mrmmmmph.

HARLEY stumbles around and ties back the stage right curtain.

HARLEYWhere is that damned light switch? Ah, there it is. (HARLEY hits the light switch)

LIGHTS UP

On the upstage right wall is a sign marked with Jake’s Diner. There is a long counter upstage right with a cash register, a jar of straws, containers with packets of mustard, ketchup and mayo, a crock marked “soup” and a jar of beef jerky. There are two stools in front of s short counter, stage left. On a table behind the long counter is a two pot coffee machine with coffee mugs, Styrofoam cups and lids and a display of pies which is empty. There is a doorway upstage center. On stage right is a door. Downstage center are two tables with two chairs, set left and right. There is a sign pointing stage left that says, “Game Room/restrooms)”. There is a light switch on the wall, upstage right. Jake is duct-taped in a chair upstage center with duct tape over his mouth.

HARLEY(crosses to JAKE) God, Jake. Are you alright? (takes duct tape from the mouth of JAKE)

JAKEI was until you busted my window.

HARLEYI had to break in to save your life.

JAKEDo I look like I’m dyin’? You owe me two eighty seven fifty.

HARLEY(steps back away from JAKE) What?

JAKEForty bucks for the glass, three for the caulk, ten for the lettering, sales tax, the value of my time –

HARLEY(angry, disgusted) That comes to maybe eighty bucks. What’s the rest?

JAKE(deadpan) Sentimental value. (a tearful sniff) I had that glass since I opened the place. (HARLEY blusters) (primly) Now, Ill just sue the Sheriff’s Department and the County – all in federal court. You didn’t have a warrant. Might go for punitive damages. Sue you personally. At best you’d lose couple of day’s pay what with all the depositions and pre-trials – Lord knows how long the trial would last. (nods self-satisfied, slyly) Noooow, I miiiight be willing to settle for a hundred fifty – out of court.

HARLEY(knowing he is beaten) Alright. Fine. I’ll turn it in on a voucher. They’ll pay it off as a nuisance claim, (under his breath) payable to “Mr. Nuisance”. Now let’s get that tape off of you.

JAKEKeep you donut dunkin’ digits away from this tape. This is a crime scene.

HARLEYYou got robbed?

JAKE They tried.

HARLEYHow much did they get?

JAKE(chuckles, prim and proud) Actually, I made a profit.

HARLEY(stunned, shaking his head) Only you, Jake. Only you could make a profit on a robbery. I know I’m gonna hate myself for askin’, but how the hell did you make a profit on a robbery?

JAKEThey weren’t going to pay, you see. I told ‘em they owed me for a room, a piece of pie, two sets of sandwiches, colas and chips and some beef jerky. (thoughtful to himself, chuckles) They could have griped about the pie. They didn’t really order it. I made ‘em eat it to prove they were human.

HARLEYTo prove ---

JAKE(chortling) And I even charged them for the jerky even though the guy from the Triple A took it.

HARLEYWas the guy from Triple A an accomplice?

JAKENo, just a service guy. Anyway, they tried to argue that they shouldn’t have to pay for the jerky because the guy wasn’t even from the same planet (laughs out loud) but I pulled the old “one party – one check” rule on ‘em. (laughs) The total came to only to ninety-six sixty, but they gave me a hundred.

HARLEYWhy’d they give you a hundred?

JAKESo, I wouldn’t turn ‘em in.

HARLEYTo the law?

JAKE(hard scoff, sarcastic) Of course not. I threatened to turn them in to the hot dogs.

HARLEY(shocked) You were threatening to turn them into hot dogs? Grind ‘em up and –

JAKENo, I wasn’t threatening to turn ‘em into hot dogs. I was threatening to report ‘em to the hot dogs - the Furrow Worm Beings of Molnova.

HARLEYTo the fur-wha—To the ---- Oh, never mind. If they paid you off why’d they tie you up?

JAKEThey had to. The guy with the freeze ray already left.

HARLEYThe who? With the what?

JAKE(with a “well, duh” tone) The guy from Triple A. The guy who took the jerky. Aren’t you listening at all?

HARLEY(shakes his head, flustered and gives a long sigh) Could you give me a description of the perpetrators?

JAKESure, Mary was about tall, pounds with hair and eyes and Joseph was about tall, about , pounds with hair and eyes. Of course, I’m not sure they were in their natural form.

HARLEYTheir nat – huh?

JAKEI’m not sure Mary and Joseph were in their natural form.

HARLEY(nodding, sarcastic) Maaary and Joooseph. Uh huh. Riiiiight, and the guy from Triple A was named Jesus? They rode in on a donkey looking for an inn, did they?

JAKE(irked) No, in a Cadillac, lookin’ for the Grand Canyon. Funny guy. Will ya listen? Now the guy from Triple A, I didn’t catch his name, I’m pretty sure he was in his natural form. He was about six three and bright green. Had these little antennae stickin’ out of his head.

HARLEY(under his breath) Jesus.

JAKEI told you I didn’t catch his name.

HARLEY(a long sigh) Did you see which way Mary and Joseph went?

JAKENo, but I know where the guy from the Triple A was going.

HARLEY(shaking his head, humoring) Where?

JAKEThat hollow moon out by Saturn. (a sly aside) It’s a resort with (gets a silly grin and wiggles his eyebrows) “entertainment for rent”. That’s why he wanted the jerky. Apparently, it’s an aphrodisiac up there. (chortles and winks) You know what they say whatever happens by Saturn, stays by Saturn.

HARLEY Uuuuuuh, huh.

ALICE, dressed in a waitress uniform bursts in through stage center.

ALICEJake are you alright?

JAKEWell, lookie who’s here. The turncoat.

ALICEWhat are you talking about?

JAKEYou quit right after the aliens let you out of the storeroom,

ALICE(sounding baffled) I didn’t quit. You sent me home early. (to HARLEY) Nobody locked me in the storeroom, Harley.

HARLEY(to JAKE) They were Aliens? Were they Mexicans?

JAKENo, alien aliens. Well, if I can believe what they told me, humanaliens from a planet 270 light years away. They claimed that earth was originally established as a penal colony.

HARLEY(totally flustered and baffled) Alice, what the hell is going on here?

ALICE motions for HARLEY to follow her to far stage left. ALICE crosses and HARLEY follows.

HARLEY(in low tones) What’s going on, Alice?

ALICE(in low tones) Now, you know that Jake has always been a bit, uh -- unusual?

HARLEY(sarcastic) “A bit?” More like of “Ripley’s Believe it or not” proportions.

ALICEYeah. Well, he’s been on psychiatric disability.

HARLEY(deadpan, sarcastic) There’s a surprise.

ALICEAnd he hasn’t been taking his meds. When he’s off ‘em he gets paranoid, has delusions. He’s been thinking that aliens have been sneaking down to earth during meteor showers.

JAKE(calling out) Not no more. They told me that they don’t have to sneak down that way.

ALICE winces and beckons HARLEY to move even father stage left.

ALICEAnyway, when this couple from Voorheesville, New York showed up, Jake started acting weird. He fired Dan and then he sent me home.

HARLEYYour husband was worried when you didn’t come home on time. I came looking for you earlier. Jake said you went off to see some guy at the reservation.

ALICE(uncomfortable) Well, don’t tell Dave, okay? I did. After Jake sent me off, I did go to the reservation. (a soft laugh) A girl’s gotta twirl now and again, you know.

HARLEYYour secret’s safe with me.

JAKE(calling out, derisively, sarcastic) Yeah, wooo hooo, biiigsecret. Everybody knows, Alice, Alice rhymes with phal ----

ALICE(cuts JAKE off, angry with a growl) Jaaake!!!

ALICE shakes her head, winces and beckons HARLEY to move even father stage left.

ALICEYeah, anyway, Jake was rambling on that they had to be aliens because the woman knew the names of state capitals and because the serial numbers on the car and license plate contained only “A”s, ones and zeros.

JAKE(calling out as if it were common knowledge, sing songy) They’re part computer and are used to using only the binary numbers, the ones and the zeros. That’s why they do it that way. (a huff of exasperation) Anybody with half a synapse can figure that out.

HARLEY(wryly) He may be nuts, but there’s nothin’ wrong with his hearing. .

HARLEY and ALICE go far off left.

ALICEWell, anyway. Right after the couple from New York showed up, Jake lost it. He fired Dan and he sent me home. I went over to the reservation, but I got to thinking that Jake might have gone too far, done something crazy. (pause and wry look from HARLEY) Uh, crazy – ER. So, I swung back this way on my way home. I saw that the Space Invaders machine was still on, that the place was locked up and that Jake’s car was still here. And I got to worrying. Maybe Jake had a stroke or fell down and hurt himself. So, I called you.

HARLEY(glances toward JAKE) (wry, chuckling) Good thing I didn’t take the duct tape off him. It’ll make it reeeeeal easy to (mimes action) slide that ol’ straight jacket riiiight down over ---

ALICE(in a panic) No, don’t do that.

HARLEYWhy not? He’s obviously nuts.

ALICEI know, but he can act sane. He can say we made it all up. Sue us. He’s good at it. Real good.

HARLEY(wary) I know. (flip, facetious) So, what do we do? I shoot ‘im, you bury ‘im? You shoot ‘im, I bury ‘im?

ALICENo. Do nothing. I can get him back on his meds.

HARLEYHow? He won’t listen to anybody.

ALICE(with a little chuckle) I’ll just put it in his food. Even if it tastes funny, he’ll finish it. He’s too cheap to waste food. Jake’s too cheap to waste anything. And I mean anything. (wry, disgusted) You know the lettuce on the cheeseburgers you’ve been eating all these years? He grows that lettuce and fertilizes it with his own –

HARLEY(horrified, cuts her off) No sh–

ALICEYes, sh –

HARLEY(cuts her off, horrified) Oooooo.

ALICETrust me. He won’t waste the food. He’ll take the meds.

HARLEY(acting as if still trying to get a foul taste out of his mouth) True. True. Okay. I’ll just humor him and leave it up to you. (as they begin to walk back in) Are you sure the meds will work?

ALICEI’ve seen what they’ve prescribed for him. One pill would put a charging rhino in a coma.

HARLEY(facetious) But, would that be enough for Jake?

ALICE(as ALICE and HARLEY cross to JAKE, aside to HARLEY) I’ll give ‘im three.

HARLEY(approaching Jake) Now, Jake, you were saying that this Mary and Joseph were looking for the Grand Canyon?

JAKEYeah. They were in a 95 Cadillac with New York plates, vanity plates, A1A1A1.

ALICEYou’re talking about the couple from Voorheesville, right, Jake? No, Harley, the couple was from New York. But, the car was from Arizona, yeah probably a rental and I think it was an Olds. Yeah, I’m pretty sure it was an Olds with, uh, Arizona plates. Remember, Jake, before you sent me home, I took them to the cabin. I saw the car.