Interpersonal skills

Interpersonal skills are an important part of relating to others. They include how well we communicate with others as well as how well we listen and understand what is being said. Interpersonal skills are sometimes called social skills or people skills.

This document lists some of the interpersonal skills you may find useful when working with others.

Attending

Attending is basically paying attention to someone. This is mainly done through your body language. Attending behaviour encourages communication.

Some ways you can show you are paying attention is to:

  • use eye contact (but do not stare at the person – some cultures find this very offensive).
  • use facial expressions to show you understand what they are saying (instead of just staring blankly at them).
  • not fidget and don’t treat other things (watches, cell phones, what is happening out the window) as more important that the person that you are talking to.

Clarifying

Clarifying allows you to check accuracy, reduces the risk of misinterpreting vague messages and communicates that you value someone else’s perspective. Clarification questions include:

  • “Do you mean …?”
  • “Are you saying …?”

Clarifying can involving inviting the young person to become more specific or getting the young person to elaborate or rephrase an idea. The intent is to help the youth worker better understand the young person's thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Clarifying informs young people that their ideas are worthy of exploration and consideration. You honour the young person while attempting to gain an understanding.

Encouraging

‘Encouragers’ are signs that prompt participants to continue talking. They include verbal and non-verbal forms of communication including:

  • nods.
  • open-handed gestures.
  • comments such as “uh-huh”, “yes” or “ok”.

Sometimes by giving a minimal response, for example, just a little nod or sound of agreement, you can encourage the young person to continue talking.

Following

Following is when you echo or mirror the body language, posture, tone and style of speech of the person you are talking to. It is normally something done naturally and it puts people at ease, although be careful to not copy any strange behaviour!

Questioning

Asking questions is an excellent way of finding out more information or encouraging discussion among a group. There are two main types of questioning that are useful when relating to others: asking open or closed questions. It is good to use a balance of both open and closed question, especially in group situations.

Open questions

Open questions are those that have no specific response, and are difficult to answer in a few words. They encourage people to talk and provide you with maximum information. Open questions typically begin with: “What”, “Why”, “How” or “Could”. For example, “What would you like to do next week?”

Open questions are also critical so you let the young person express their views, rather than you asking questions as if you are trying to prove a point. If you ask only the questions that you know will get the answer you want, you’ll only find out more of what you already know. Open questions let people express their views in a non-threatening way.

Open questions are useful to:

  • begin an interview.
  • obtain information.
  • encourage elaboration and allow young people to expand on what has been said. For example, “Tell me more about…” or “When you say…, what exactly do you mean?”
  • get feelings about to a particular issue.
  • encourage participation.

Closed questions

Closed questions generally have a limited number of alternative responses and can be answered in a few words or sentences. They help focus the responses of interviewees and validate information. Therefore, closed questions are typically more common in workshops or interviews intended to validate ideas. Closed questions usually begin with: “is …?”, “are …?” or “do …?”. For example, “Do you have any brothers?”

Closed questions are useful to:

  • narrow the topic of discussion.
  • obtain specific information.
  • identify parameters of a problem or issue.
  • contain someone who is dominating a discussion or activity and refocus the group or session.

When using closed questions, be careful not to ‘fire’ them at the young person or make it sound like they’ve done something bad. Make sure you don’t put words in people’s mouths, for example, “the school is pretty bad, isn’t it?”. People tend to agree with what the person asking thinks. This is called demand bias.

Paraphrasing

Paraphrasing can be a way to clarify what you have heard. Paraphrasing a young person’s response involves rephrasing the content of their message. Rather than repeating back exactly what you have heard, use some of your own words as well as the key words used by the young person. This helps communicate that you have understood their point and helps them focus on the information they are providing. Listen then for the young person to confirm that you have recalled their message accurately. They can then add further detail or restate their opinion if you haven’t got it quite right.

Reflecting feeling and content

Another key way of building rapport with a young person and making them feel understood is to reflect back to them what you hear in terms of the content and the feeling behind their message. For example:

Young person:“I hate all this homework. It’s never ending and I just want to leave school. I’m sick of it all.”

Youth worker:“It sounds like you are under a lot of pressure at school.”

Summarising

At the end of a conversation with a young person, you can restate the main points as you perceive them to check that both you and the young person have the same understanding of the conversation.

Body language

Body language can be just as important as anything that is said to a young person. Body language should usually be open, relaxed and show that you are paying attention to the young person. Closed body language, for example, crossed arms and legs with no eye contact, may suggest defensiveness or anger towards the young person.

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