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INFIDELITY IN SOCIAL MEDIA
Infidelity in Social Media: The Anonymity of Online Infidelity
Ryan House
University of Kentucky
Abstract
Infidelity has prevailed through time in some shape or form. In the age we live in, social networking, the internet, chat rooms, and dating sites (some tailored specifically for married people looking to flirt) have increased infidelity rates to an alarming proportion. The anonymity of using the internet in lieu of face-to-face interactions makes it easier for partners to cheat cheaply, privately, and over longer distances than ever before. Studies have show people may be viewing infidelity differently than previously. The results suggest men and women view cheating differently even online, and therefore treatments must be different based on the individual’s characteristics.
Keywords: Infidelity, Social networking
Infidelity in Social Media: The Anonymity of Online Infidelity
According to Cravens, Leckie, and Whiting (2013) the ease of accessing sexual material online can be summarized as the “Triple A”. The three A’s are: accessibility, affordability, and anonymity. Their research was an attempt to see why the internet and social networking sites increase infidelity rates. Using the internet has several perks when it comes to extra marital activities. Cheaters are not limited to the people they have normal contact with on a daily basis. With sites like Facebook allowing you to access their site online most computers in offices, schools, and homes without scorn, while also allowing you to privately chat with friends or strangers it is easy to see why someone could be seduced into cheating.
Technology certainly makes cheating more prevalent in society. It is important to understand the reasons why individuals would cheat. With this information we are able to avoid high risk infidelity situations and hopefully prevent infidelity. Although technology and social media sites make infidelity more widespread, they are not necessarily the cause. Social networking sites are just the tool that the “infidels” use to make their infidelity either be discrete or widespread. For more about motivational forces and why people cheat Click Here.
Wysocki and Childers (2011) took it a step further in saying that when there is trouble at home between couples, one couple may look to the internet to commit cheating acts; more so they may not even consider the activities such as sexting or viewing pornography as cheating. This complicates the situation even further being that the boundary is not definite to both partners.
According to Groothof, Dijkstra, and Barelds (2009) the same jealousy rules apply in the online infidelity world as well. Men tend to be more upset about their partner’s sexual infidelity whereas women tend to get more upset about their partner’s emotional infidelity. This is an evolutionary trait that we have developed to protect our interests. Men are afraid of their partner having another male’s child and therefore his time and energy would be spent on another person’s family line. Women however are more worried about their partner using their money, time, and attention to another female. To learn more on how men and women react differently to different kinds of infidelity Click Here.
Once again, because women and men react differently to different types of infidelity, it is important to understand what actions may be deemed as sensitive areas for your partner. If you are a girl and want to take extra care that your boyfriend doesn’t get hurt, be careful with anything that he may consider sexually explicit. This includes everyday activities and conversations as well as all social networking activity. If you are a boy and you want to take extra care that your girlfriend doesn’t get hurt, be careful about talking to other girls whether or not you have interest in them. This also includes social media activities. Private chatting with any other girl is rarely a good idea and will probably be seen as emotional infidelity by your partner.
Several studies have the same theme that social networking may be changing the way society as a whole views infidelity. Since activities like candid conversations with private access is a normal part of social networking, the boundaries are being redefined by the new generation, for the better or worse. The situation is worsened by the fact that social networking cites can be openly used and easily accessed via the internet on any device, and even their app through tablets and most phones. Tsapelas, Fisher, and Aron (2011) pointed out that the literal definition of infidelity needs to be specifically narrowed down. Everyone needs to be referring to the same activities when they use the term “infidelity” or count an activity as extra marital for statistical purposes when discussing activities such as: flirting, sexual fantasies, sexting, and/or romantic exchanges via the internet.
Because men and women view infidelity differently, they must deal with infidelity differently when it comes to healing. This means therapists must treat victims of internet infidelity differently based on things like their age, sex, ethnicity, religion as shown by Hertlein, and Piercy (2008).
Translational Advice
Tsapelas, Fisher, and Aron (2011) also brought up the fact that Americans “disapprove of emotional infidelity the least, followed by sexual infidelity; and disapprove the highest when the infidelity involves both sexual and emotional components”. This goes to show how dangerous internet and social media infidelity can be. When on the internet, emotional and communicative infidelity can be found everywhere with people all over the world. Likewise there are several websites and chat rooms designed specifically for sexually elicit conversations. Combining the intimacy of webcams and other related sexual infidelity activities, deep self-disclosure often with a complete stranger, the privacy of your own home, and the anonymity of the internet is a recipe for relational disaster.
Based upon this research, exercising self restraint and avoiding boundaries whether explicitly discussed or not with your partner is the best way to avoid any kind of infidelity, including online infidelity.When self restraint is not enough it is also a good idea to invite transparency. Give your social networking passwords to your boyfriend or girlfriend to help reduce the attractiveness of anonymity.
Hertlein, and Piercy (2012) gave specific advice for those who have been affected by online infidelity, or those who feel are addicted to sexual activities on the internet. Couples working through the issue currently should follow the following tips: Develop physical boundaries, develop psychological boundaries, manage accountability, trust, and feelings, explore motivations, access context of readiness for change, access circumstances, and if both parties are interested, work towards forgiveness.
Physical boundaries would be inviting the transparency discussed earlier, make things very public with your partner. Next review psychological boundaries and actually communicate each person’s definition of infidelity or online infidelity. Then you must manage accountability. During this phase you discuss whether the infidelity was more sexual or emotional and how that affected both people. At this point you need to discuss the things that need to change and see if you and your partner are willing to change those traits. If no special circumstances exist (such as your boyfriend feels addicted to talking sexual activities over the internet), work towards forgiving partner and focus on following through on the agreed upon changes.
Obviously the process or recovering from infidelity is a tedious and difficult. You would be much better served as an individual to learn now the things that are acceptable and the things that are not with your partner. Be sure to communicate your relational expectations and have a good understanding of your partner’s expectations as well. As long as you keep your partner in mind before making decisions and boundaries are clearly defined within the relationship, trust should remain strong. It is always better to build trust from the beginning of a relationship brick by brick rather than rebuilding in the future.
References
Cravens, J., Leckie, K., & Whiting, J. (2013). Facebook Infidelity: When Poking Becomes Problematic. Contemporary Family Therapy: An International Journal, 35(1), 74-90. doi:10.1007/s10591-012-9231-5
Hertlein, K. M., & Piercy, F. P. (2012). Essential Elements of Internet Infidelity Treatment. Journal Of Marital & Family Therapy, 38(Supp S1), 257-270. doi:10.1111/j.1752-0606.2011.00275.x
Hertlein, K. M., & Piercy, F. P. (2008). Therapists’ Assessment and Treatment of Internet Infidelity Cases. Journal of Marital & Family Therapy, 34(4), 481-497. doi:10.1111/j.1752-0606.2008.00090.x
Groothof, H. K., Dijkstra, P., & Barelds, D. H. (2009). Sex differences in jealousy: The case of Internet infidelity. Journal of Social & Personal Relationships, 26(8), 1119-1129. doi:10.1177/0265407509348003
Northrup, C., Schwartz, P., Witte, J.”Why People Cheat: The Normal Bar Reveals Infidelity Causes” Huffington Post. Web 15 April 2013. <
Stampler, L. “Cheating Study Claims Men Resent Sexual Infidelity, Women Jealous of Shared Love” Huffington Post. Web 15 April 2013 <
Tsapelas, I., Fisher, H., Aron, A. (2011). Infidelity: When, Where, Why. In Cupach, W.R., & Spitzberg, B.H.(Eds.). The Dark Side of Close Relationships II(pp. 175-196). Routledge.
Wysocki, D., & Childers, C. (2011). 'Let My Fingers Do the Talking': Sexting and Infidelity in Cyberspace. Sexuality & Culture, 15(3), 217-239. doi:10.1007/s12119-011-9091-4