Chris,
I’m lost. Heartbroken. Confused. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend, my soul mate, the person that I was meant to be with. I'm supposed to be your sugar momma, remember? How can someone just walk away like I meant nothing, like my girls meant nothing?
I have felt alone my entire life. The last 13 months was the only time in my life that I didn’t feel this way. You made me feel so wanted, appreciated, special, and loved. I wouldn’t wish the feeling of loneliness on anyone, especially you. I know you say this is how you think its supposed to be for you. Trust me, you don’t want this! It’s a miserable and horrible feeling.
I know that you have things that you have to work on. I wish you would have let me into your head sooner. Maybe I could have helped you and we could have gone through this together. You told me that you accepted the fact a long time ago that you will die alone and this is how it should be for you. You should never have to feel that way. No one deserves this, especially someone as special and wonderful as you. You deserve to be loved and cared for. I just wish you could see this and allow me to be the one to love you.
You used to talk about the future all the time. You made comments about places we would go (Ireland), mentioned switching to nights to help the girls get on and off the bus, looked up the school they would go too, wanted me to help with getting your house remodeled (including a room for Brooke, lol), and you were helping me to get mine ready to sell. You told me numerous times that you were getting used to the girls and I at your house and that you liked us there because it wasn’t as quiet and lonely. What made you change your mind so quickly? If you were starting to get nervous or having cold feet you should have told me. Running away wasn’t the answer. We could have stepped back. Trust me, I would have been okay with taking a step back.You know my plate is prettyfull right now so slowing things down would have been okay with me.I only talked about the future because I thought that’s what you wanted too, and I know at one point you did. I didn’t talk about these things trying to push you away.
If there is one thing that I have learned over the last couple of weeks, it is how much I care for you. I feel like part of me went with you when you walked out my door. I realize that I too, have my own issues. I let my insecurities with myself take control. This makes me analyze and question things I shouldn’t. I know I need to work on this and I’m trying so hard to do that now. Looking back, I know that you cared for me and I shouldn’t have questioned that. I’msorry!
What I have also come to realize is that I am strong. I’m stronger than you think I am. I will pick up the pieces like I have so many times before and move on. If you can’t see how being with the girls and I will make you happy then me sitting here crying and making myself miserable fretting over you isn’t worth it. Someone, someday will think that I’m worth it and fight for me instead of running away. I don’t need you Chris. I want you. And that’s a big difference. I have always felt that I was in this world alone. I’ve made it this far. I put myself through school while working nights and raising 2 beautiful girls without much help from anyone. I’m successful at my job. I’m one hell of a single mom. So, I don’t need you. I will keep on keeping on like I always have. But with that being said…..I want you! I want you by my side through this crazy thing called life. I want your support. I want your love. Love is such a beautiful thing if you would just let the past go and let it happen.
If commitment is the reason why you walked away. You are sooooo wrong with what I want! I thought when I got divorced that I wanted this fairytale. That’s not what I want. That’s not it at all! All I ever wanted was for someone to love and care for me. I thought that person was you. I prayed it was you. I don’t want a ring or marriage, Chris. I wanted you! I love everything about you….the way you make me feel, your crazy stories, your moodiness (most of the time), the way you are with my girls, and most of all I love your friendship!
I know that you felt the decision you made that day was for the best but in my heart, I really truly think it was made out of fear. If I’m wrong, then I am. But looking back over the last year we were so truly happy. You can’t deny that. You have built this wall that no one can break down. You kept telling me to be a stronger person and to stand up for myself. I am strong. You my dear, are not. Walking away after 13 months with no explanation, other than I need to figure things out, is not strong. Strong would have been you coming to me and talking to me about your feelings before just walking away. Strong would be you realizing that you have a problem and owning it. Strong would be getting help for your depression. Strong would be facing your fears instead of running away.There is nothing wrong with talking to someone about your thoughts, your fears, and your depression. You told me that you can’t get the comment I made out of your head regarding your alone time and space…….seriously?! You are going to throw away what we had over a stupid comment. Think about that for a second! I would give anything to take that back if I could. Secluding yourself from the world and from people that love you is not the answer Chris. I’m not saying these things to be hurtful. You need to hear it. You need to see how the way you are acting is affecting other people. You need to know that there is nothing wrong with asking for help. I’m here for you! Your friends are here for you!
I wish you could see what others see in you. You’re an amazing man Christopher Baarlaer. I’d give anything for you to see that.I’d give anything for you to see how much the girls and I care for you. I’d give anything to have you back in our lives. They miss You! I miss You! Let me be your strength to get through this.
All my love,
Shawna
“Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear”
-George Addair