LI, M. et al HILARITY QUARTERLY, MAY-JULY 2006 · VOL. 1, ISS. 2
“I’m having massive haemorrhage, Jennifer is pulling my hair, and Jacob is poking my arm! You guys are great doctors.”
~ M. Li, 1 May 2006
“Tu veux la toxoplasmosis.”
~ M. Li, 1 May 2006
“If I die during the AP CS exam, donate my organs, give Jennifer my good luck rock, give Katy my chemistry notes, put a purple dot on my skull and give it to Dr. Wood, and then you’re free to extract all the fibrinogen you want.”
~ D. Epstein, 1 May 2006
“How was your day?”
“Well—”
“Fuzzy?”
“Heh. Actually, there’s a better word.”
“What?”
“Toxoplasmotic.”
~ L. Li/M. Li, 1 May 2006
(looking at the Circle of Life)
“Ah, but Man cannot live on amino acids alone!”
~ D. Saha, 2 May 2006
“Saying there appears to be some clotting is like saying there’s a traffic jam ahead. Is it a ten-car pile up, or just a really slow bus in the centre lane? And if it is a bus, is that bus thrombotic or embolic?… I think I pushed the metaphor too far.”
~ “House”, 2 May 2006 (air)
“I sleep for fun.”
~ T. Cai, 2 May 2006
“Could someone please give her a sheet of paper? She’s going to have War and Peace written on her arm by the end of the day!”
~ P. Cammer, 3 May 2006
“Why do you have ‘warfarin’ written on your paper?”
“I was explaining why warfarin is an anticoagulant but may cause thrombosis.”
“Warfarin is a type of Coumadin used in chemotherapy to treat cancer patients.”
*stares* “Whoa.”
~ M. Li/M. Shaw, 3 May 2006
“Thrombin converts carbon to calcium?”
~ D. Epstein, 3 May 2006
“If I’m activated protein C and you’re factor Va, and I go ‘pow!’, you’re dead!”
~ J. Doughty, 3 May 2006
(reading Hilarity Quarterly, Vol. 1, Iss. 1)
“It seems like every other word that comes out of your mouth is ‘thrombosis’.”
“Yeah, that sounds about right.”
“Do you have thrombosis?”
“No.”
“Do you have haemophilia?”
“… READ THE QUOTE.”
~ R. Udeshi/M. Li, 3 May 2006
(Brett plays Counterstrike on his laptop)
“Geez, Brett and his CS. Brett and both of his CS’s!”
~ M. Li, 4 May 2006
“Hit him with a microscope: ‘In the name of biology!’ WHACK!”
~ M. Badgett, 5 May 2006
“I had epistaxis in the middle of the exam.”
~ M. Li, 8 May 2006
“Okay, that’s enough talk about the exam. I wouldn’t want to invalidate my 5!”
~ M. Li, 8 May 2006
“His wife killed him after six months of rule! That was the highlight of his life… or rather, the highlight of his death.”
~ D. Saha, 8 May 2006
“Hey, Jennifer—”
“Nope, you can’t talk to the sensory neuron without going through the interneuron first! No reflex arcs allowed!”
“Okay… The bibliography…”
(later)
“This interneuron is getting very sleepy. Its myelin sheaths are dying.”
“Right. Jennifer—”
“No reflex arcs! Oh fine, I’m a sensory neuron now. But talking to me constitutes a reflex arc, so expect very instinctive replies!”
“Right… The bibliography—”
“Yes.”
~ L. Zou/M. Li, 8 May 2006
“Ooh, sticky notes. Why two colours?”
“My dog ate the green ones.”
~ M. Li/J. Doughty, 8 May 2006
“My mom thinks you’re a vampire.”
~ J. Doughty, 8 May 2006
“How many erythrocytes are there in the human body? Hint: there’s more than one.”
“Two.”
~ M. Li/J. Doughty, 8 May 2006
“What is antithrombin?”
“It’s, well, not thrombin…”
“No; if it were thrombin, it would be called ‘thrombin’, wouldn’t it?”
~ M. Li/J. Doughty, 8 May 2006
“Take AP Bio next year.”
“No. I’m taking AP Physics.”
“You hate physics.”
“I hate bio more.”
“No you don’t.”
“I hated it as a freshman; there’s no reason I should like it as a senior.”
“Maybe it was your teacher.”
“He was nice.”
“Maybe it was because of the niceness that you hated it.”
“Monica…”
“Maybe it was your textbook.”
“Or maybe it’s because I hate the subject.”
“Nah, not possible.”
~ M. Li/A. Katkova, 8 May 2006
“In the biotech lab, we should put together little pieces of DNA, and make our own genes, and feed the mRNA to the ribosomes. Then we could add some coagulants to it, and hm, we see that it explodes. So we’re like, hm, this stuff makes coagulants explode…”
~ J. Doughty, 8 May 2006
“Monica + Biology = ?”
“Insane.”
“Myology.”
“Haemostasis. No, wait, thrombosis.”
“Haematology wackoness.”
“Thrombosis / plasmolysis + factor X ^ factor VIII.”
“Eternal doom.”
“Freaked-out people.”
“Mrr.”
~ M. Li/J. Doughty/L. Zou/A. Katkova/C. Pan/L. Gupta/D. Epstein/B. Jones/K. Mohamed, 8 May 2006
“Take AP Bio, Linda. I’m going to eat you alive if you don’t take it.”
“You don’t know where I—oh wait, you do.”
~ M. Li/L. Zou, 8 May 2006
“The high jump is now redefined: You jump and land on hard pavement, and the person who can do it the most times before dying wins!”
~ E. Warner, 9 May 2006
“You haven’t heard of it?! Where have you been all this time?”
“Under a rock called TJ.”
~ B. Jones/A. Katkova, 9 May 2006
“They’re on my jeans.”
“What’s on your genes?”
“I wrote it on my jeans.”
“How can you write something on your genes?… OH!… Bio.”
~ A. Katkova/M. Li, 9 May 2006
“Take a skewer and stick it through all the people you want to kill… Monica’s enemy shish kabob!”
~ B. Jones, 9 May 2006
“I’m your mama now!”
“You can’t be my mama!”
“Why not?”
“Because you’ve got a [-----]!”
~ J. Potoker/An. (his daughter) Potoker, 10 May 2006 (rep.)
*tosses lei to Linda* “Here, you can put this around me after I die.”
“Hahaha… Elendil goes to Hawaii!”
~ M. Li/L. Zou, 10 May 2006
“Hey, Linda, who’s that?”
“That’s Aragorn.”
“Oh. I like Aragorn… Who’s the guy who kills a lot of people?”
“You’re gonna have to be more specific.”
~ J. Zou/L. Zou, 10 May 2006 (rep.)
“I do not know what strength is in my blood, but I swear to you, I will not let the White City fall, nor our people fail.”
“Our people… Our people.” *pause* “Oh, wait, it’s my line!”
“Haha… you expired too early.”
~ L. Zou/M. Li, 10 May 2006
“I’ve been staring at the windshield wipers for ten minutes. I just realised it was raining.”
~ A. Katkova, 11 May 2006
“My mom asked me why I was carrying my rifle to school, and I told her that the teachers were getting annoying.”
~ A. Katkova, 11 May 2006
“Oh, God.”
“Linda, you’re not Christian.”
“… Jesus!… Whoops.”
~ L. Zou/M. Li, 11 May 2006
“I should drink Elixir of Life.”
“What are you making there? Death potion, I hope?”
~ M. Li/A. Valentin, 11 May 2006
“Why are these people speaking English in Paris?”
“Because they’re in London… A Tale of Two Cities.”
~ Anon./E. Richardson, 11 May 2006
“Was sind diese Dinge? Wasser? Würme? Amoebas?”
“Vielleicht Amoebas?”
~ C. Vaden/J. Kim, 15 May 2006
“All in favour of giving Alsace-Lorraine back to France?”
(majority votes in favour)
“That’s great. You just created WWII!”
~ B. Field/A. Zuzulo, 15 May 2006
“We propose that the territory of Bavaria should be administered by France for a period of… forever.”
~ B. Singer, 15 May 2006
“You don’t want power?”
“No; power equals responsibility.”
~ M. Li/J. Doughty, 15 May 2006
“Oh, that’s right, you don’t believe in hell because you’re—wait, you’re not immortal!”
~ B. Jones, 15 May 2006
“Ms. Bain, could we have class outside today, on account of that World War II took place outside and not in a schoolroom?”
~ M. Li, 16 May 2006
“Can I borrow a sheet of paper?”
“That’s half a litre.”
“Heffalump?”
~ M. Shaw/M. Li, 16 May 2006
“Hey, what’s that disease where your blood doesn’t clot—”
“HEMOPHILIA!”
(later)
“Actually, I amend my answer to ‘haemophilia, Christmas disease, factor V deficiency, factor VII deficiency… dysfibrinogenemia, and aprothrombinemia.”
~ J. Faubell/M. Li, 17 May 2006
“You know you love me at heart.”
“That’ll be true when hell freezes over. And it hasn’t yet, to my knowledge.”
“Well, maybe it will when you get there.”
~ P. Cammer/A. Ng Sui Hing, 18 May 2006
“The school lunches are unhealthy, but the lunches my mom packs are inedible.”
~ T. Cai, 18 May 2006
“House gets shot in the season finale! I wish he’d die.”
“He can’t die. The show is named after him.”
“They could change the name to ‘Cameron’.”
~ M. Li./A. Katkova, 22 May 2006
“Hurricane season starts in nine days!”
“You’re happy that all those people down South are going to die?”
“Eh. They’re all Republicans anyway.”
~ M. Li/A. Katkova, 22 May 2006
“That’s my pen! I stole it!”
~ L. Zou, 22 May 2006
“Daniel’s handwriting is so bad that someone asked him if he was taking Japanese—and she’s in his French class!”
~ J. Doughty, 23 May 2006
“My table all got C+’s, like osmosis: we all lose knowledge together.”
~ L. Zou, 24 May 2006
“What is this structure here? Is it bone, or nerve, or arteries, or what?”
“I don’t know. Let’s dissect ourselves to find out!”
~ J. Doughty/M. Li, 26 May 2006
“Morgoth times infinity period! There, you can’t beat that!”
“Yes I can. I can divide by zero.”
~ M. Li/B. Kogan, 26 May 2006
“What are you listening to?”
“The Internationale.”
“Ah! Yīngtènàxióngnàiěr! Guójìgē!”
“… Right.”
“Who’s it written by? Ah, I know, *CHINESE*!”
“Er… *glances at Wikipedia article* Eugène Pottier.”
“Yeah. And who composed the music? Wait—*CHINESE*!”
“Er… *glances at Wikipedia article* Pierre Degeyter.”
“Yeah.” *Starts singing L’Internationale at the top of her lungs*
“… Save me.”
~ Z. Song/M. Li, 26 May 2006
“Alex and Linda have watched ‘House’, and Kaamila don’t have a TV.”
“Why don’t Kaamila have a TV?”
~ M. Li/Z. Song, 28 May 2006
“You don’t know anything before you’re 20, and you’re senile after 60, so you really only have 40 10-year spans of life.”
“Mom… that’s 400 years.”
~ Z. Song/M. Li, 28 May 2006
“You can take 7/10 of the cookies.”
“7/10… of 9?”
~ M. Li/A. Katkova, 29 May 2006
“Taking more than one shower in a day is unhealthy. It promotes… thrombosis.”
~ D. Epstein, 29 May 2006
*picks up dropped iPod* “Are you working? Are you alive?”
“Give it CPR! ‘Are you choking?’”
~ A. Katkova/M. Li, 30 May 2006
(attempting to translate L’Internationale)
“The taxes… bleed… disadvantaged… no homework…”
~ L. Zou, 30 May 2006
“The Algebra 2 textbook isn’t political.”
“I’m not sure that’s considered literature.”
“You would consider it literature, of course.”
~ J. Steinhardt/J. Bain/M. Li, 30 May 2006
“The poem suggests that in the future, we shall join together to delete racism.”
“Did she say delete?”
“Yeah.”
“Haha…”
~ C. Pan/M. Li/L. Zou/J. Doughty, 30 May 2006
“What? That doesn’t make sense. 14 and 1 can’t add up to 14!”
*pushes calculator buttons* “OH! Look at that! 1E-14! Pwned!”
“What?!”
“Mêmes [MAY-meh]!”
“NO!”
~ L. Zou/M. Li, 31 May 2006
“This is ‘ke’, right?”
“No, it’s ‘se’! Since when is ‘c’ pronounced ‘ke’?”
“No, but… Ah! If it’s in the middle of the word, it’s pronounced ‘ke’, unless it has the thing under it, in which case it’s ‘se’; if it’s at the beginning of a word, it’s always ‘se’!”
“Right…”
“Yes!”
“… usually.”
“AUGH.”
“I love French.”
~ M. Li/L. Zou, 31 May 2006
“Nitrogen in French is azote.”
“Sodium in Chinese is nà!”
~ L. Zou/M. Li, 2 June 2006
“Is that French?”
“It’s supposed to be…”
“Oh. I thought it was Communist.”
~ T. Cai/M. Li, 2 June 2006
“So, Alex, comment tu t’appelles?”
“Wow… that was a stupid question.”
“It wasn’t as bad as was bedeutet bedeutet!”
~ M. Li/A. Katkova, 4 June 2006
“So, if you see me outside of school, you should always say hi to me.”
“What if you’re with your girlfriend?”
“Well, that’s not going to be a problem for you, is it?”
~ P. Cammer/J. Besecky/J. Jaskot, 4 June 2006
“You’re an angel, Linda. You should move to Los Angeles.”
“No. California makes you soft.”
~ M. Li/L. Zou, 5 June 2006
“My life has lost all meaning! I thought jiffies were milliseconds!”
~ B. Jones, 6 June 2006
“We had to write down causes of death for [something], and we were making them up, and someone said ‘thrombosis’!”
~ H. Kelsen, 6 June 2006
“If there are more exceptions than rules, then exceptions become the rule; then, if rules are rules and exceptions are rules, everything is a rule and there are no rules… welcome to French.”
~ M. Li, 6 June 2006
“I want those laptops in their proper slots, plugged into the right numbers, or ye shall die.”
~ Anon., 8 June 2006
“Linda, it’s two hundred twenty, not twenty thousand twenty.”
“That’s what I typed! 20020! 200 and 20! Oh, wait, no… shut up!”
~ M. Li/L. Zou, 8 June 2006
“Tu as quel âge?”
“J’ai quinze ans. No, wait, I’m not 15 anymore! I’ve gotten so used to saying that…”
~ M. Li/J. Doughty, 8 June 2006
“Asseyez-vous!”
“Hey, you addressed me using the vous form!”
“Yeah, I couldn’t remember the tu form… what was it?
“Ass-toi?”
~ L. Gupta/A. Nair, 10 June 2006
“Linda, you know that you spelled Iraq ‘Iraque’? Thrice?”
“Shut up! It’s the French way!”
~ M. Li/L. Zou, 12 June 2006
“Hey, we can’t write that; we’ve already used ‘terrorist’. There would be two terrorists in the same sentence!”
~ M. Li, 12 June 2006
(during partner activity in German)
*with French accent* “‘Cabbage’.”
“… I refuse to answer that.”
“Fine… ‘to show’.”
“… I’m not answering that either.”
“Why not? I said ‘to show’!”
“Oh! I thought you said ‘touché’.”
~ M. Li/D. Saha, 13 June 2006
(playing Monica-hosted Jeopardy)
“[A composer] wrote [a song] for this French military general.”
“Hitler!”
~ T. Xu/B. Kogan, 13 June 2006
“Take AP French next year, Linda. Don’t take French 4.”
“There’s French 4? I wish there was Latin 4…”
“Well, French has a huge fanbase, so…”
~ M. Li/L. Zou/[who?], 13 June 2006
(discussing why Ms. Montgomery marked a trig problem incorrect)
“That’s one minute off! She can’t screw us for one minute!”
“Yes she can. She’s screwed us for the entire year.”
~ M. Li/C. Burnette, 13 June 2006
“Are they singing about Lucifer or another devil? Wait—I just said—”
~ M. Li, 15 June 2006
“Plead the fifth!”
“Right, plead the fifth… in Model UN.”
~ M. Shaw/M. Romais, 15 June 2006
“Here… Let me teach you some Franglais…”
~ T. Cai, 20 June 2006
“Haha, they’re riding over the orcs as if they were furry bugs.”
~ Z. Song, 20 June 2006
“I don’t know what to do.”
“I know: write a program that chooses random tasks for you to do!”
“Uh, you choose. You’re random enough.”
~ T. Cai/M. Li, 26 June 2006
“.”
“.”
“!”
“?”
~ M. Li/J. Kim, 27 June 2006
“I don’t have enough red paint.”
“You could use pink.”
“You want me to paint a stripe of the French flag pink?”
“Why not? I mean, it’s the French, right? I’m sure they’d like something like that.”
~ M. Li/L. Zou, 27 June 2006
“Isn’t it strange that you can use nous sommes to tell the date? Like, nous sommes le vingt-huit juin?”
“Oh man… I’ve always wanted to be January.”
~ M. Li/L. Zou, 28 June 2006
“Half of calligraphy is making it too messy to read.”
~ H. Deng, 1 July 2006
“The command form of avoir isn’t normal, is it?”
“I don’t know. When would you ever need to use avoir in a command?”
“Um… Have a life!”
“Well, you could use prendre…”
“Take a life?… Slightly different.”
~ M. Li/T. Cai, 5 July 2006
“Contra nous de l’Italie/L’étendard sanglant est levé…”
~ M. Li, 9 July 2006
“Somebody, score!… And somebody means France!”
~ M. Li, 9 July 2006
“So, Monica… which team did you want to win?”
“Um… France?… Do you not notice the colours… the cheering for the French offence… the general dismayed look when Italy won?”
~ Z. Song/M. Li, 9 July 2006
“Well, they won’t be happy that Italy won.”
“I thought that they just didn’t want Germany to win.”
“Oh, German gui, Italian gui, all gui…”
~ Z. Song/L. Li, 9 July 2006
“La France a perdu une bataille… I guess the rest of this quote doesn’t apply here.”
~ M. Li, 9 July 2006
(looking at name tag)
“Monica loves France?”
“Yes.”
“Are you angry?”
“Yes.”
(later, commenting on name tags)
“Tiny smiley face… very angry with the Italians…”
~ J. Thorson/M. Li, 10 July 2006
“Je dis au monde: La France a perdu la rencontre finale, mais la France n’a pas perdu la Coupe du monde!”
~ M. Li, 10 July 2006
“Wearing your French colours again? He doesn’t deserve the Golden Ball. He’s a bastard.”
~ J. Thorson, 11 July 2006
“You need to eat something.”
“I already ate lunch.”
“You need to eat something else, or else you’ll become anorexic. You’ll weigh ten pounds, and that will be hair, glasses, and the French flag.”
~ D. Epstein/M. Li, 11 July 2006
“What are our school colours?” 1
“Red, white, and blue.” 2
“Why?” 1
“Maybe they just hate green.” 3
“Maybe green means money.” 1
“Or Italy.” 4
~ J. Thorson/N. Evans/Anon./M. Li, 11 July 2006
“Raconteur… storyteller? OMI! French! I can’t believe French is helping me on the SATs.”
~ M. Li, 11 July 2006
“Monica, don’t you love Mr. Kelly?” 1
“What?” 2
“He’s a communist!” 1
“What?” 2
“Storm the Bastille!” 3
~ C. Pan/M. Li/N. Kelly, 12 July 2006
“France lost.”
“Shut up.”
“Why are you wearing a French flag?”
“Because she’s been obsessing all week over France losing the World Cup.”
“You actually watched the World Cup?”
“No, Corinna, and it was precisely because France was playing that I didn’t.”
~ C. Pan/M. Li/J. Thorson, 12 July 2006
“I don’t think I have enough clothes to last me through this week.”
“Half of your clothes were made in Italy? Or are half of them green?”
~ M. Li/A. Katkova, 12 July 2006
“Are you ever going to drop the French?”
“Huh?”
“Are you going to wear your French flag forever?”
“Oh, this? Probably not.”
“They screwed up.”
~ M. Li/J. Thorson, 13 July 2006
“Ooh, you insulted France. Now they’re going to come after you with their white flags.”
~ M.Chen, 13 July 2006
“Je viens… That’s French, you know, I’m coming.”
~ “On Golden Pond”, 14 July 2006
“Is it a good idea to go hunting when you’ve got an infant with you?”
“No… unless you’re using it for bait.”
“Bait? Well, that’s a maternal thought if I ever heard one.”
~ J. Thorson/M. Chen, 14 July 2006
“Let’s go around the room and say the superpower you would most like to have, starting with Monica.” 1
“Um…” 2
“Come on, anything. Speak French?” 1
“No, she can already do that too well.” 3
~ J. Thorson/M. Li/S. Youn, 14 July 2006
“There’s a live, maggoty cheese that’s a delicacy in Italy. None of you would try that, would you?”
“No, and you know why.”
“Yes, I do.”
~ J. Thorson/M. Li/J. Doughty, 14 July 2006
“I don’t need to wait for this to cool. Wait, maybe I do. No, I don’t… Ow.”
~ A. Katkova, 14 July 2006
“I don’t think green is the most relaxing colour, and you know why.”
“Yes, I do, and my sister thinks you’re crazy because you won’t use italics.”
~ M. Li/J. Doughty, 18 July 2006
“Whenever we come to this Baskin Robbins, I’m always reminded of that time that you made us face west.”
“Good idea… Let’s face east! France is that way.”
~ A. Katkova/M. Li, 18 July 2006
“There was a mnemonic that I created to memorize the periodic table. The more obscene the better.”
“Obscene?”
“Well, I never said it to a teacher or anything.”
“Tell me!”
“Um… I forgot.”
~ A(rjun). ?/J. Thorson, 19 July 2006
“Eli was sleeping with a girl?”