Habit 5, Lesson 1: Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood

Say: Habit 5 is about communicating with others. It is about seeking to understand others, and then to be understood. In communication it is important to listen first and talk second. The deepest need of human beings is to be understood. Everyone wants to be respected and valued for whom and what he or she is- an individual. Think of the saying, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care!” How do you feel when someone is not truly listening to you? It feels as if they don’t really care. Today we are going to practice some good listening techniques, so you can build your communication skills with others.

Say: You can’t understand some who’s talking if you don’t listen carefully. Most people do not know how to truly listen well. We are usually too busy preparing a response or judging. We are going to act out poor and good listening skills. Each group is going to have to demonstrate one, and we are going to decide as a group if it is a poor or good listening skill.

Note for Character Council:

Poor Listening: Spacing Out, Pretend to be listening, Selective Listening, Word Listening, Self-Centered Listening

Good Listening: Listen with your Eyes, Heart, and Ears; Stand in their shoes, and Mirroring

Do: Pass out one skill to each group. Have them do act out the listening skill, and then have them read the skill. Then, decide if it is a good skill or a poor skill. Give them about five minutes to come up with what they are going to do.

After everyone has gone, discuss these questions:

  1. Do you know someone that usually displays good listening skills? How does it make you feel to talk to them?
  2. Do you know someone that displays poor listening skills?

Say:When you are a good listener, then people feel closer to you and it strengthens your relationships. If you try to understand someone before you judge them, it will make you feel better about yourself. Try to always be a good listener, and you will be happier with your relationships.

Listening Skills

  1. Spacing Out: Someone is talking to you, but you ignore him or her because you are daydreaming or thinking about something else.
  1. Pretending to listen: You’re not paying attention to the person talking, but you pretend you are. You just say,”Uh,huh, cool, yeah, or hmmm.
  1. Selective Listening: You pay attention only to the part of the conversation that interests you or relates to you. You key in on specific words and then go off on your own conversation rather than listening to what the other person is trying to tell you.
  1. Word Listening: You pay attention to the words, but you miss the point because you’re ignoring the tone, feelings, and body language. When you focus on words only, you miss the deeper emotions in someone’s heart.
  1. Self-centered Listening: You apply everything you hear to your own life. You say,: Oh, I did the exact say thing. I did that too. ETC. Well, you don’t know what he or she feels, and you haven’t listened long enough to show you even care.
  1. Listening with your eyes, heart, and ears: Make eye contact, try to sense how they might be feeling.
  1. Stand in their shoes: Try looking at something as if you were them.
  1. Mirroring: Genuine listening involves responding in way that makes the speaker feel understand. Repeating what they are saying your own words like… Do you mean…..