Gilead and Oceania – attitudes towards sex
Title suggestion: Can you add something at the end that points the reader to the conclusions you make in your comparison?
Paragraph 1 (Introduction):
-Cut out "to an extreme" in the first sentence about The Handmaid's Tale. Usually dystopias are automatically extreme.
-Orwell introduction not very strong. Doesn't come across as being relevant/connected to the topic you're presenting.
-Neither novel introduction does enough to summarize their plots.
-You should point out who considers sex to which of those things (government vs. citizens, for example).
Paragraph 2 (Body #1):
-Reread your first sentence. Now fix it. The idea is there, but there are simple words missing and the end structure is weak.
-No citations for the first 2 quotations?
-Poor use of brackets to add/change the third quotation.
-You can't "enforce" something onto something else. You can "enforce" something, or you can "force [something] on" someone/thing.
-Last sentence is a poorly constructed, run-on sentence. A lot of these errors can be avoided by proofreading.
Paragraph 3 (Body #2):
-Proofread the first sentence.
-Long quotation: leave an extra space after the end of the quotation before returning to the original paragraph.
-Why would you make an assumption about the author's intention here but not in the corresponding paragraph (above) for the first novel?
-How does the ending of this paragraph fit with what you set out to do at the start of the paragraph? You've changed ideas part way through. Stick to one idea for each paragraph.
Paragraph 4 (Body #3):
-More proofreading for simple errors here (verb tenses of words).
-How does this quote clearly show what you seem to be indicating it will show (that Offred has grown to love Nick)?
-How can you say the affair is "safe" when Offred herself says it is one "of the most dangerous places [she] could be"?
-Too many "by"s in the last sentence; run-on.
Paragraph 5 (Body #4):
-No connection between idea presented (Winston and Julia enjoying their moments together) and the quotation that follows.
-Too much of the begining of the paragraph simply retells events in the plot that are not readily necessary in order to prove what you end up proving.
-Why is this the first paragraph where you've made an explicit connection between the idea at hand in both novels (over this and the previous paragraph) and your thesis? Shouldn't you have a statement like this at the end of Paragraph 3, too?
-Very end of that last sentence: necessary?
Paragraph 6 (Body #5):
-Capitalization in quotation?
-Use of the pronoun "they" in the last sentence is vague because it's not obvious if you're referring to the characters in the novel (the Commander and Offred) or a larger statement that Atwood is making about all people (the better idea, by the way).
-How does this whole paragraph, however, fit with your thesis? Where in that statement does this idea come up?
Paragraph 7 (Body #6):
-If this paragraph is supposed to be about 1984, and you've already discussed prostitution in The Handmaid's Tale in the previous paragraph, why bring up the second novel again?
-Proofreading, third sentence.
-Don't reexplain the quotation after the fact. If it's well-chosen and clear, it'll be self-explanatory.
-You start both your last 2 sentences with "Thus". Can you change one?
Paragraph 8 (Conclusion):
-Include, like in your Introduction, who views sex as what type of thing.
-The "violation of human rights" still doesn't fit (especially because it only came up with one of the novels).
-Your conclusion isn't just a line-by-line retelling of what you've already said in your essay. It should point out what you set out to prove and how you proved it, but not so systematically. Also, you need to go out with a bang! somehow - leave your reader with something significant to contemplate about people, life, the world, etc. based on what you've said in your essay. This is quite flat and uninspiring.
Overall comments:
-Proofread (yourself and someone else).
-Stay on topic in each of your paragraphs.
-Make explicit connections between the books (transition sentences between paragraphs and connecting-return-to-thesis statements at the end of paragraphs 3 and 7 - like you did at the end of paragraph 5).
-Make sure the quotations you choose are relevant to what you're saying and help you make the point you're trying to make.
-Spruce up your conclusion (a lot!).
Grade:
A: 3/5
B: 4/5
C: 3/5
D: 4/5
Total: 14/20 or 70% (RIS: 85%)