2 HAPPY HACKER

May 2010 www.sun.ac.za/hockey Volume #3

HAPPY HACKER

2 HAPPY HACKER

From The Editor

There has been plenty on the go and it would be fair to say we are all into our stride as a few fixtures have been played. This hacker is here to embrace all the happenings of the holiday and enlighten all our club members of ze kissing and ze touching and ze passionate affairs encountered during the break. But first I would just like to congratulate all of those players who played in a Princess Pro Series hockey side. Apparently the contract for the Pro-Series stated that you will receive a free water bottle (for only R5) and water will be provided at the half time break provided that you have run more than 6km in the first half and have brought your free bottle. You were also required, at the half time break, to sing the jingle of the company that has supplied you with your kit for the match. But well done to the team made of Metric Steel that

Mauled their way to Overall Men’s Winners. And the Mobius Maidens sneaked their way to Victory in the Ladies Finals 3-2.
League Results:

The league results are looking positive thus far in the season and all the sides are starting to play some fantastic hockey. There is IPT u/21 at the moment but when those provincial players return there are crucial games for both the men’s and women’s teams, so keep up the good work and place as much pressure on those other sides as possible.

On that note if anyone is lacking inspiration for the weeks practice there will be an inspirational quote accompanied by an appropriate picture each week on the hockey website. Check it out, it will steam your beans!! I’m talking swamp sweaty… If anyone has any other suggestions for the website

just inform Grant Hawkins, and Grant and I will consider everything you have said, talk about it, and then do whatever we want.
Now this hacker is action packed with all the “in’s” and “out’s” of hockey camp information that is critical in getting the most out of your game and getting more out than what you put in, a philosophy that has served Chris Olkers well so far in his Maties career.


Holiday Happenings and Hockey Camp Madness!!

Most of us club members have had a taste of what Hockey Camp has to offer and every year hockey camp brings out, well the worst in most of us, but Chris “Cobra” McCathie takes this beyond comprehension. Chris has gone beyond the boundaries of tearing Gregg Drake’s underpants (Making them even larger now) and is lucky Terrace has not placed a reward on his scalp for his ludacris antics. Chris was enjoyed the first evening of initiation for the first years that he actually attempted to become the DJ at Terrace.. And leave with it that way, with of course the help of fellow keeper and Assassin Alex Rossi, who had just awaken from his “free water” induced coma from the previous hockey camp. Alex escaped unscathed, however Chris was left struggling to chew for the next week as he got received a high dose of Cobra poison to the right cheek.

After this entire escapade, Gregg “Human Reservoir” Drake attempted to eat several McDonalds Double cheeseburger meals (small) in the space of 20 minutes. Gregg admits this was his second scariest experience as he couldn’t see his... Toes, for the next hour. His scariest experience being a recent doctor’s appointment when X-rays revealed he has the heart of a pig… and the stomach of an elephant.

Whilst all these antics were going on Matt “Fever Blister” Hampson (thanks Sanel), felt his spidey senses tingling and

decided to climb onto the roof

of terrace… Apparently there were more pigeons up there than in the Eikestad parking lot and Matt plans to go on monthly pigeon shooting weekends up on the roof of terrace in the future.

Grant Hawkins was outstanding on hockey camp as his inspiration lead to our perspiration. He was the guiding force behind the “al dente” cricket players who appeared at first glance to be well … cooked. These ungentlemanly like cricket players that expanded our reality of how skittles and the obstacle courses could be executed, firstly through Henry Olonga whose arm speed was directly proportional to the speed he released the ball at. The opposing team were forced to have 3 players performing the long barrier just to stop the powerful Zimbabweans attempts. The second more important aspect was that of the human assegai, who absolutely obliterated a plastic chair with his well timed dive and the power of the pot belly. The exhibition match of this year was unstructured, uncomposed, but it was none-

the-less one of the most

exciting exhibition matches of this era. Grandpa rounded the keeper with the speed and agility of a centaur. Stu “El Nino” Lederboer capped the game off however with a stunning lob of Chris “Cobra” McCathie who could not control his defense with the power of speech as his cheek was still swollen from his cobra bite. Farah Fredericks won man of the match and Waldi “Ryan Sidebottom” Roux tried his rather fashionable crow hop overhead technique, but failed to execute it and so he just won fool of the match.

The Maties Men’s Coaches were reprimanded for a record 3 times in the space of 45 mins this hockey camp, rumour has it Stew Plimsoll snitched on us lads, so if you see him in a dark alley… Give him a red card. Them darn umpires, never trust a man with a whistle. But Stew, you still did a far better job than Waldi and we thank you for your efforts. Finally Heleen Steyn gave it horns and really represented the true spirit of the Maties Hockey Camp, only sleeping for two to three hours a day, a feat many of us

attempt but almost always fail

in. Heleen said the secret to her amazing stamina were her catnaps in the Neelsie bathrooms.

THE A-TEAM:

The admin team this year were sensational under the guidance of Stu “10 Seconds” Spooner and Karmen “Minutes” Nash. Stu did more of the consoling to the Admin crew and Karmen took charge, delegating tasks to the admin team.

Jacques Grobler and Sean Mac had the best coach on hockey camp!!!

The best line of hockey camp was on the first morning when we were getting taught the drills and there was a table of muffins for breakfast. Around the table there were 3 of the female members of the hockey club. Then David “I’ve got an irish liver” Wilson walked up to the table, not even noticing anyone standing there and says “Mmmm, I really feel like a muffsky”.

Hockey Camp Kissing Chronies:

Many transfers have preceded this hockey camp and on the odd occasion there might have been three people locking lips at the same time, but it must be said that Justin “The Spaniard” Grundlingh has found the secret to a woman’s lips a mere stepping stone. Justin kissed or at least attempted to kiss more girls at this years hockey camp than has ever been attempted before. He said, just before the startling feat that “the more girls I chat to the luckier I get”. Unfortunately Justin only claimed the scalp of the unexpectant Samantha Fish who seemed dazed and love struck for the entire hockey camp.Sam announced that she was first attracted to the J-dawg’s glazed, cherry-textured skin, but as then became overawed by Justin’s passion for life and love.

Tanym Burger rearranged her diet to accommodate a taste of Mexican cuisine (Stu Ledeboer) daily. The tastiest of these Mexican treats however being the one evening when she had not been out, T-Burger asked Bridget for a lift to visit her little burrito. Stu has now claimed a kiss in 5 straight hockey camps, a regional record and allows all of us, both men and women to strive to set higher goals and aspire to spread the love. Chris “Cobra” McCathie and Micah “Stationery” Steytler also locked lips on the eve of skittles. When caught in the act by the ardent reporter, Warren Grobler, Micah and Chris both denied that the kiss had taken place, saying that “we were not kissing, but even if we were, a kiss is not a contract...”

Warren Grobler is married to Caitlynn Grobler-Hagemann. Problems have arisen within their relationship of late as they cannot decide who’s name should come first in their double-barrel surname. Adding to the tension, according to Cait, Wogga feels rather insecure

about his Whimsical smoothie as he received no feedback from club members, so whoever you are, wherever you are, if you see Waz don’t be a thug, give him a hug...

How to improve your hockey game:

We all train our almonds off on a weekly basis. Terrific exercise regimes, provided by SUSPI trainers, motivates us to continue exposing ourselves to strenuous running routines. Many club members however don’t realise how close we are to developing either a wipple. This deformity of the nipple is caused by, continuous chafing of the nipples on a shirt, or if you Tyler Evans, your nipples chafe on your surrounding muscles. A wipple is rather conveniently named as it is another name for an ingrown nipple, or the retraction back into the body due to an overload of friction. If the nipples have hardened, this could become life threatening as your own nipples could puncture your lungs. Here are a few tips on how to prevent yourself from developing a wipple:

1 – cut a hole in a box

2 – put your junk in that box

3 – then you open the box

It’s your nipple in a box...

Our best tip is to moisturise those nipples in pure lanolin, it soothes the mammory’s, revitalises body and soul and leaves those nipples soft as a bag of sand.

The Terroriser, beard upsizer:

Many of us club members know Cuan “Che Guevera” Moore as Iqbal, or the Afghan, and Cuan has initiated steps towards truly representing his nicknames by using a manicuring kit, which contains a fine comb to remove all morsels, crumbs from rusks which Cuan says he loves to eat just before leaving to class or the humus which form’s part of his staple diet. Cuan’s Wella Viva conditioning and his delousing cream, which prevents itching and sorts out those split ends. You undoubtedly have a beard to be proud of. Proudly Afghan!!

FACTUAL FICTION:

There is a new member to the hockey club this year with the name, Derek “the hammer” Hammond. If you don’t know who Derek is or how he looks, do yourself the favour and watch Grandma’s boy, he looks incredibly similar to Dante, the drug dealer (not

that there is anything similar in that regard). Derek also

likes journeying through East London on his donkey and bends metal in his spare time. Cuan Burton-Moore reminds

most of us of Tom Hanks in Cast Away. If anyone has anything that closely resembles Wilson please drop it off at the hockey office and we will get it to Iqbal who will be forced to carry Mr. Wilson with him to every hockey game. Iqbal has reiterated his loss of purpose without Wilson.

Brad Logan is the new edition to our Ginger community, adding to our already large population of Ranga’s totalling in at 2 now. Sean Mac was heard commenting at one practice, there is not enough space in this club for the two of us...

Also I just have to rectify that pigeon is not the only avian member of our hockey club community but the good birdman Stu “dodo” Douthwaite makes up our second avian member. Stu also has the unfortunate case of having to shave at least twice a day, otherwise he will soon look like Cuan.

CONCLUSION:

Maties wins. Maties wins. Maties wins.