Frequently Asked Questions
My child knows not to talk to strangers, isn’t that enough to keep them safe?Unfortunately, more than 90% of the time, children are abused by someone they know and trust. It is important to teach children not to talk to strangers, but it is also important for parents to be aware that children can often be harmed by someone within or close to the family. Teach your child to always tell you if someone makes them feel uncomfortable or asked them to keep a secret from you.
I believe my child tells me everything. Wouldn't he/she tell me if he/she was being abused?
Abusers manipulate children into keeping the abuse a secret. Children feel helpless to disclose the abuse, due to the fact that the abuser has told them many reasons why the child shouldn't tell. Some reasons why a child would not tell include:
· The abuser is a trusted friend/family member; the child thinks no one will believe him/her
· The child feels ashamed or embarrassed
· The abuser has threatened the child or the child's family
· The abuser blames the child; the child feels responsible and doesn't want to get in trouble
· The abuser bribes the child
· The child likes his/her abuser and doesn't want the abuser to get in trouble
What if my child is making up the abuse?
Children rarely lie about abuse. In fact, less than 10% of child abuse allegations are false, and many of those are first fabricated by adults, not children. Therefore the overwhelming majority of true allegations should urge you to always believe your child if they disclose abuse and follow through with the next step of reporting.
How can I tell if my child is being groomed for abuse?
As protective adults, we must be aware of grooming behaviors and recognize when it may be occurring. In the beginning of the grooming process the predator is working to form a special bond with a child. As protective parents, you will want to cultivate a strong bond with your child so that they know you are for them, want to protect them and will always help them navigate through life. If someone is trying to spend more time with your child than you are, or treat your child differently than other children, take notice and ask your child about the person/relationship. Trust your gut and intervene if necessary. Some early signs of grooming to look for include:
· Spending time doing activities the child enjoys (i.e. sports, movies, games, etc.)
· Buying the child gifts/giving the child money
· Treating the child as more special than other children
· Tickling, wrestling, hugging, etc.
· Finding excuses for one-on-one time with the child
These tactics create a sense of loyalty from the child to the predator, thus making it even more difficult for a child to tell someone when the predator crosses the line of appropriate behavior. More serious signs of grooming include:
· Petting, stroking, groping above or under clothing
· Talking about sexual activity with a child
· Viewing child when nude or exposing child to nudity
· Showing the child pornography (adult and/or child)
· Masturbating in front of the child or “teaching” the child how to masturbate
Many times, a predator will bring down the defenses of a child by explaining they are merely playing a "game” or that what they are doing is “normal” or “special.” A child is typically confused by the inappropriate behavior but feels a sense of loyalty to the predator, internalizes the inappropriate acts as their own fault, feels too embarrassed to talk about it, or doesn’t think anyone will believe them if they tell. Once a family and child are groomed it makes the possibility of a child telling someone about abuse minimal.
How do I respond if my child discloses something to me that is shocking, discloses some sort of abuse, etc.?
Stay very calm. Typically, if a child makes a disclosure of abuse, particularly sexual abuse, he/she may not tell you the whole story – but give you a small sample of what has happened to see how you will react. If yourespond in an outburst of emotion, that child may not tell you anything further. Be calm. Take a deep breath. Say things like:
· I’m so glad you told me.
· Thank you for telling me this. I know this is hard for you to talk about.
· Tell me as much as you would like.
· This wasn’t your fault.
Don’t make promises you can’t keep or judge the person who the child says has harmed him/her. Refrain from saying things like:
· I’m going to see that this never happens again.
· Your <uncle/brother/father/mother> is a bad person and should be in jail.
What if the child begs me not to tell anyone?
Let the child know that it is your job and responsibility to do what you think is right in order to protect them. Encourage the child that they are not alone and you, and many others, want to make sure they are safe.
What if a child hasn’t said anything to me, but I have seen or heard something that makes me think that a child is being harmed — but I don’t know for sure that something has happened?
If you are a mandated reporter, it is your legal obligation to report suspected child maltreatment. Child protection agencies and law enforcement must be contacted. Do no further investigate your suspicion; allow the authorities to do that. Always err on the side of the child’s safety and make a report.
Will making a report of child maltreatment ruin someone’s life?
Oftentimes, we think that taking this action means that a child will be removed from his/her home. In only a small percentage of extreme cases do child protection agencies determine that a child is not safe at home. The vast majority of time, the local child protection agency will work with a family to help the adults in the family receive services like counseling, parenting, drug or alcohol treatment, etc. If law enforcement determines that a crime has been committed, they will take appropriate action according to the law.
How do I monitor my child’s activity online?
Just as you would any other activity. We don’t give our kids car keys and wish them well in their driving. We send them to classes, we teach them, we practice with them, we talk about our expectations on safety and rules of behavior. We need to have those same kinds of discussions with them around Internet usage, social media, email and texting. Here are some sample expectations as a parent you may use to address your child’s online activity:
• I expect that you will treat others with respect online and not post or text anything that would be hurtful or embarrassing.
• I expect that you will not post or text inappropriate pictures of yourself or others.
• I want to know who your friends are online and expect that you won’t make friends online with anyone you don’t know in the real world.
• I expect that you won’t give out private information about yourself.
• If you receive a sexual or embarrassing message, text, post, photo, etc., I want to know about it.
• I want to be the one to help you with difficult questions. However, if you are uncomfortable talking to me about something, let me find someone we trust for you to talk to.
Figure out where you stand as parents along the continuum of completely hands off to completely paranoid. Try to fall somewhere in the middle and adjust your level of monitoring based onwhether ornotyour child demonstrates good judgment over a period of time. There are a number of great resources out there to help parents protect their children online. Find out more about online safety at netsmartz.org.
Why are Children’s Advocacy Centers needed?
Before the CAC model was in place, children would be taken to a police station, to a child protection agency office, interviewed in the field, and shuttled from one agency to the next to ensure that all of the interested parties got what they needed to develop their own cases (law enforcement had some specific needs to know who to interrogate and if there was any physical evidence to collect; child protection workers needed to determine if the child was safe to go home; District Attorney’s office needed to know what type of case to file, etc.). Taking an already traumatized child to all of these facilities that are intended for adults is, in itself, traumatizing. Additionally, having the child talk to multiple adults (who may or may not be trained on how to interview a child in a developmentally-appropriate way that is defendable in court) created challenges once these cases appeared in the criminal court system. Now, children are brought to a CAC to talk to a specially-trained forensic interviewer. All of the parties who have an interest in the case work together to assist the family and support the child in their healing process.
How many Children’s Advocacy Centers are there?
Nationwide, there are more than 700 Children’s Advocacy Centers accredited by the National Children’s Alliance. For more information about Children’s Advocacy Centers, or to find the one nearest you, see nationalchilldrensalliance.org.