FORMATION in the family
coleman
One or two quick, positive,personal examples would be especially useful here to make the point relatable, i.e. by watching Dad open doors for Mom, boys tend to see women as special and deserving of courtesy. Make sure the examples are not simply male and female roles.
[Christine]
For example, my mom would often cook meals for people in the neighborhood if they were sick or just had a baby. I tend to do the same because this is what I learned a loving woman does.
[Tim]
When I was growing up my dad was always the protector. When we were all went out together to church or a park he would be on constant look out for any danger. If we were crossing the street he would get out in front and show us how to look both ways as well as tell us. And make sure we all crossed safely. He never started the car until we ALL had our seat belts buckled. This was long before it was the law. I developed the notion that part of how a man loved was to protect his family from harm. This sort of strength, initiative and protectiveness seemed natural. It was what he did, and I find that I do thesame thing It just seems to me to be part of being a man.
Prayer
Give a quick personal example of what we mean by praying for a specific grace.
[Christine]
What do we mean by “praying for a specific grace”? Here’s an example. If Tim and I are at odds, I can pray for the grace of compassion and the grace to open my heart to understand what it is like to be him.
Point out with personal examples how you can resist or limit grace that God wants to give you.
[Christine]
There have been times, however, when I have prayed for this grace and did not experience compassion or an open heart, or at least not as much as I could. It’s not because God did not desire me to have this grace. Without meaning to, I can “block” out the grace of compassion because I fear being taken advantage of or because I am holding on to being right, but if I let go of those blocks I can be filled with compassion and a much more loving perspective that brings us closer and makes us both happier.
SHARING:Both spouses may share.
1-2 minutes.
/ Share how you are personally resisting the grace to see how you have been influenced in your attitudes about sexuality and what has helped you to lessen your resistance.
- Mention other typical resistances not included in the personal sharing.
[Christine]
My block to this grace is that I don’t want to admit that my family is less than perfect and that I picked up any bad influences from them. I can feel disloyal until I remember that my parents would want me to have the best possible marriage and to be free to love Tim more effectively. I also fear that if I admit that I do things a certain way because of my upbringing, and it’s not best for our marriage, then I might need to change my behavior. I can no longer use the excuse. “I am the way I am because of my personality. Get used to it!”
[Tim] (Tim – this is very similar to Christine’s sharing but we have suggested a way to avoid using the same words that makes it a little different)
I block this grace with my defensive attitude: Because I had such great parents growing up that it’s hard for me to imagine learning anything from them that would impact my marriage negatively.What I have to realize is that just because something worked beautifully for them does not mean it will work for us since each relationship and person is so unique. Also some of what I picked up from my parents, they never intended to teach me.
Discernment of Formation
Share how you would answer the questions:
Who was the center of life in your home growing up?
Who made the decisions?
Who had the final say?
Then, identifythe consequences for your marriage.
[Tim]
Growing up my father was the Head of the Household, no question. He was the breadwinner, the decision maker, the fixer, and the ultimate disciplinarian. If my mom had to “tell my Father,” I was in deep trouble. To this day I don’t like wearing belts. I find myself slipping into those roles sometimes, especially the disciplinarian. If the kids are fooling around and I have to step in; then they are really out of control and they deserve my discipline. Letting dad always be the heavy or harsh one may have been what my Mom wanted but it is clearly not what Christine wants. When I unilaterally exert my authority, especially if I am harsh, it alienates Christine.She would prefer that we discuss together and share responsibility for discipline and every area of our life.
Mother's relationship with father
SharingTeam Wife
3-5 minutes
/ Give an overview of your parent's relationship, both positive and negative. If not already shared, include your response to the question about who was the center of life in your home growing up. Then, share specifically how your mother related to your father sexually and the resulting impact on your marriage relationship now.
[Christine]
My parents have been happily married for almost 40 years. I have never had the impression that their marriage is anything less than solid. They do everything together and they genuinely enjoy being with each other. Even though my mom and dad have a good, loving marriage that works for them, I adopted some attitudes and behaviors from watching them that have not worked well in my marriage. I came into marriage expecting that what worked for them would also work for Tim and I, and that limited my ability to discover how to love Tim as the unique individual that he is.
For example,
One of the ways that my Mom loved my dad was to provide a relaxed atmosphere in the home and to focus more on their relationship than on keeping an immaculate house. With 7 boys this translated into a constant mess.As a child I remember being embarrassed to have friends over because the house was such a mess. As a result, I have experienced OPPOSITIONAL FORMATION, which means I compulsively do the opposite of my formation. I can insist on keeping my own house very clean.and never think or ask if it is what Tim wants. My need for cleanliness has alienated Tim. When I rush around the house cleaning like a lunatic and barely acknowledge Tim’s presence or respond to his attempted conversation or advances, it can hurt Tim and leave him lonely. I can get so focused on my cleaning job that I completely forget about loving Tim and convince myself that I am being a good wife when in reality I am just reacting to my parents
Mom and dad were fairly affectionate in front of us kids. I remember sitting at the dinner table watching dad make mom laugh, put his arm around her and kiss her. I got the impression that dad was the pursuer. He was the first to put his arm around her, hold her hand or kiss her. I tend to hold back on my affection with the idea that Tim should be the one to initiate. It can leave him wondering if I am as attracted to him as he is to me and I can unwittingly communicate that I do not want to be close. I am sometimes not comfortable with public displays of affection and so when Tim wants to kiss me in public and I get all shy on him, I can leave him feeling rejected and unloved.
My parents had 8 children and since my father was a teacher, he was able to come home relatively early from work. As soon as he walked in the door, he kissed mom and took care of us kids so that mom had a break. He frequently cooked, did the laundry and cleaned bathrooms. When Tim and I started having children, I had the expectation that Tim would be the same way. I can be disappointed or annoyed if he does not intuitively jump right in as soon as he comes home and I find myself frequently asking him to do all kinds of tasks around the house - bring the laundry basket downstairs, cut up the boxes for recycling, give the kids a bath. Poor Tim can feel unconsidered and interpret my requests as nagging. He can be left feeling like he is more my personal servant than lover. This can certainly destroy the sexual atmosphere between us.
The way that my mom handled conflict with my dad has also influenced me in a way that has not been helpful in my relationship with Tim. Whenever there was a hurt or disagreement my mom withdrew. She would retreat and become very private or cooland I tend to do the same thing.
Father's relationship with mother
Sharing:Team husband.
3-5 minutes.
/ Give an overview of your parent's relationship, both positive and negative. If not already shared, include your response to the question about who was the center of life in your home growing up. Then, share specifically how your father related to your mother sexually and the resulting impact on your marriage relationship now.
[Tim]
I have been blessed to be from a wonderful family. My parents have been happily married for 41 years. They are one of those couples who know each other’s little quirks and how to get along very well. Even though my parents have a good marriage I still picked up some things from watching them that have not been helpful in my own marriage. What made mom feel loved is not necessarily what makes Christine feel loved and so some of what worked for them has not worked for us.
For example
My dad would often goof around with us kids and could be a real comedian, and I think my mom like it when he was that way with us as much as we did. I find myself acting the same way with my own kids but Christine is not my mom and she is not always so pleased! She can feel like she is the only serious parent or worse yet that I am just one of the kids. She can feel abandoned or disrespected when I do not take rules seriously or make a mess playing with the kids while she is cleaning. I have learned that it makes Christine feel much more loved if I choose to have a united front with her rather than join in with the kids. I still am very playful, and I know Christine cherishes that, but I also need to be mindful of my parent and spousal responsibilities.
My dad has alwaysbeen a quiet guy and not very emotionally open. I don’t really know if my parents ever talked about feelings. But it is my belief that feelings were not a common subject. And I guess I have followed that example. I am a very caring man but I don’t talk about my emotions openly. This has caused problems with my relationship with Christine. IfI have certain feelings about something we are doing or not doing that is different than hers I tend to bury them away instead of talking to Christine about them. These unresolved emotions get bottled-up and I end up resenting Christine for something that I am controlling. I thought it was natural and normal for a man to be stoic and hold things in but I have had to learn that the best way to love Christine is to makea concerted effort to talk and listen and especially to empathize with eachother’s feelings.
My father is also a very critical person. Seeing him criticize my mother was always difficult. As I grew older I realized that I did not want that in my marriage. So when I had issues with Christine I felt like I was being critical and so I suppressed those feelings. And we grew distant from each other and each of us felt alone. Learning to share my feelings with Christine has been difficult for me. I feel guilty with these feelings because I want us to have a perfect marriage. I have to remember that my marriage to Christine is the perfect marriage for me, and what Christine needs and wants is for me to open up so she can listen to my feelings, my emotions, my hurts, and not judge them as being critical but lovingly want to help me resolve them.
Since dad held everything in so much, as you can imagine, it would sometimes erupt. The way my parent’s handled conflict had a negative influence on me and how I handled conflict in my own marriage. When dad would blow up and vent his anger, Mom and all of us would have to tip toe around him. I never saw my dad apologize nor did I get to see how or if they made up. I did not like that at all and as a result I avoided conflict at all cost in my own marriage. This would not only cause long periods of coolness and the danger of never solving the issue or hurts mounting up but it also kept me from drawing Christine out which is what she needed. What‘s even more upsetting to me is that occasionally I would flare up just like my dad, the very thing I was trying to avoid. Once I realized that the reason I avoided conflict had nothing to do with Christine or our ability to reconcile or solve problems together it freed us up to adopt practices and learn skills that are great for us and can prevent the flare ups and the cold wars.
Mom was the center of life in my home. She ran the household and was pretty much in charge of everything to do with the kids. It just seemed normal to me for the woman to be in control and I never even thought about it or questioned it once I was married. As a result it was natural for me to leave everything about the home and family up to Christine but by not taking responsibility or being involved with all the things that Christine cared so deeply about it caused hurt and some isolation. It was certainly not in the best interest of our marriage.
Relationship with our parent of the opposite sex.
sharing:Both spouses.
1-2 minutes each. / Describe your relationship with your parent of the other sex and any parallel in relationship with husband or wife, positive or negative.
Wives with Dad
[Christine]
I was the apple of my father’s eye. I was his little princess. I could do no wrong in his eyes. My Dad used to sing the song “Daddy’s Little Girl” to me all the time and I remember being a little heartbroken when I learned that it wasn’t a song written by my Dad just for me! , since I was the princess who could do no wrong,it is easy for me to think I still know best about everything, and I can be superior or controlling in my relationship with Tim which can leave him feeling disrespected, unconsulted or simply not trusted.
Whenever I had a particular concern I preferred to talk to my Dad. Unlike my mom, who was more excitable and quick to start offering advice, my Dad would listen quietly and calmly. He was especially good at tuning in to how I was feeling. If I was upset, he’d ask me what was wrong and if I wanted to talk about it. He had a way of making me feel confident in myself. Because of this strong relationship with my dad, when we were first married, I tended to place unrealistic expectations on Tim. I expected Tim to anticipate my needs and provide for them without my having to ask. If I were upset about something, I expected Tim to tune right in and run to my rescue. I hoped he would hug me, wipe my tears and tell me how wonderful I was. And if poor Tim didn’t react to my mood the way I anticipated, I would become even more upset and withdrawn, feeling sorry for myself. This dynamic between Tim and I has gotten a lot better now that I realize where those expectations come from and that it is only fair to let him know what I am feeling when I’ve had a bad day instead of expecting him to figure it out on his own. I find that Tim can be just as sensitive and encouraging as my Dad. J in his own unique way
Husbands with Mom
[Tim]
Growing up my mom was the complete homemaker. She did everything for me, cooked, cleaned, did my laundry, made my bed. She did all the shopping and even paidthe bills. As a result, even though Christine and Iplanned from the beginning of our relationship that we would share all the household responsibilities when we got married,I was not used to thinking, “How’s the laundry? Does it need doing. When was the bathroom last cleaned?” It has been a struggle for me to unlearn those things that were done for me. But I look at these things now as opportunities for me to show Christine that I love her.
Personal Sharing - Coleman Formation in the Family 20 Oct 2007 Page 2S - 1