F. A. C. T. S. That Build a Happy and Lasting Marriage

F. A. C. T. S. THAT BUILD A HAPPY AND LASTING MARRIAGE

By Pastor Bien A. Llobrera

LECTURE 1: FOUNDATION OF MARRIAGE

INTRODUCTION

1. Welcome to this lecture series entitled: F. A. C. T. S. THAT BUILD A HAPPY AND LASTING MARRIAGE. Why do this topic?

2. Because more and more marriage is coming under attack, especially by the culture of divorce in the U. S. A. Doesn't the 2005 divorce of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt made you ask: Why do people, who seem to have everything -- beauty, fame, money -- why do these people still end up in divorce? If the rich, famous and beautiful people are not immune from divorce, what hope do we ordinary people have?

(Note: In this lecture series, whenever I refer to divorce I also include the “undeclared divorce system” in the Philippines in which a spouse simply abandons the marriage relationship and lives someone else.)

3. Is there a way to build a happy and lasting marriage? My answer: According to the Bible, yes! The Bible gives us F. A. C. T. S. THAT BUILD A HAPPY AND LASTING MARRIAGE.

4. Who should listen to this lecture series? Everybody.

(a) Teenagers, you're not too young to know about these F. A. C. T. S. so that even now you can begin to prepare yourself to have a happy and lasting marriage someday.

(b) Adult singles, these F. A. C. T. S. will guide you as you pray and plan for marriage.

(d) And may I say this lovingly without a judgmental or patronizing spirit: To anyone who has gone through divorce, if and when God leads you to think of marriage again, I encourage you to build your new relationship on these F. A. C. T. S.

WHAT ARE THESE F. A. C. T. S.?

5. These facts are contained in the acronym F. A. C. T. S.

*Foundation

*Acceptance

*Communication

*Teamwork

*Satisfaction and Success

6. Let's take a look at these F. A. C. T. S. one by one.

FOUNDATION

7. Someone might say, "Wait a minute, pastor, aren't you forgetting the most important thing in marriage?" And I'll ask in return, "What's that?" And you'll answer, "Love!"

8. Love, of course! Let me tell you why it's not in the acronym: I couldn't find a word that would fit nicely the letter "L" in the acronym. For example, F. L. A. C. T. S. doesn't sound right; or F. A. L. C. T. S.; we could try C. L. A. F. T. S. or S. C. A. L. F. T.

9. I'm only kidding. Seriously, the reason I did not put LOVE in the acronym is because, love is assumed; it goes without saying that people get married because they love each other. Very often they say that they are madly in love with each other; or they're crazy or insane about each other.

10. They admit that they're mad, they're crazy, they're insane!. I wonder if that's not the problem. Because once they get over their madness and craziness and insanity, is that when they begin to think of divorce?

11. I repeat: LOVE must be there in the marriage from the very beginning. The question we are trying to answer in this lecture series is: How can married people make sure that their love and marriage will last? These F. A. C. T. S. will help them to make their love to last and help them to build a happy and lasting marriage.

12. So now, to the F. A. C. T. S. The letter F stands for the FOUNDATION that love and marriage must have in order to be happy and lasting.

TUG-OF-WAR

13. First of all, let's analyze why people get divorced. At the very bottom is that they treat their marriage as a game of TUG-OF-WAR. ILLUSTRATION. I want you to imagine a tug-of-war between husband and wife.

14. When people fall in love and they get married because of their love for each other, at first they are very happy because they do what lovers do -- they try to please each other and do things to make each other happy. This is called the honeymoon stage. How long will this honeymoon stage last? How long do married couples continue to try to make each other happy? It varies with different people. But sooner or later, the true nature of the human heart comes out.

15. The Bible tells us the true nature of the human heart in James 4:1-2: "Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? You lust and do not have. Your murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war."

16. Now, let's see how this looks. I want you to imagine that inside the husband’s heart there is a throne; there is a similar throne in the heart of the wife. Guess who is seating as king in the heart of the husband? The big, proud “I”. Guess who is seating as queen in the heart of the wife? Of course, the big, proud “I”. This is the reason for all wars – in marriage, in the home, in nations. There are two conflicting rulers and two conflicting kingdoms. The husband or wife says, "I" am the king/queen, I want other person (my spouse) to submit to my wishes and desires. And this is how the tug-of-war begins. Let’s imagine our tug-of-war again, between husband and wife. In the tug of war, the husband pulls and says, "This is what I want, and I want you, wife, to do what I want!". The wife pulls and says, "No, this is what I want and I want you, husband, to do what I want!"

15. In the marriage tug of war, the husband and wife keep pulling and pulling until one of three things happens:

(a) One, either the husband or the wife submits and says, "Okay, you win" and agrees to move over to the side of the winning spouse. And you will have a marriage where one partner dominates, and the other becomes a doormat.

(b) Or, two, neither the husband nor the wife is willing to yield... they keep pulling and pulling until they get tired of pulling and they drop the rope and go their separate ways -- that's what you call "divorce".

16. As you can see, option number 1 (dominant and doormat) may prolong a marriage but only at the expense of one partner. Option number 2 , divorce ends the marriage and brings damage to both husband and wife and to their children; and, although many people try to deny it, divorce have life-long negative consequences. Option number 3 (finding common ground) will prolong the marriage only as long as both partners continue to be committed to the common ground. For example, the common ground called: for the sake of the children or until the children are grown; or to preserve our reputation; or for the sake of a political career.

17. How do we solve the marriage tug of war? By helping the husband and wife to find a solid common ground that they can stand on together for life.

ONE LORD, ONE LAW, ONE PURPOSE

18. The Bible gives us God's Master Plan for a happy and lasting marriage by providing a solid FOUNDATION. This foundation provides the only solid and durable common ground, which includes three components: ONE LORD, ONE LAW, ONE PURPOSE.

19. ONE LORD (Romans 10:9,10). God wants to lay the foundation in the heart of both husband and wife. God wants to change your heart from a self-controlled heart to a Christ-controlled heart. Again, let’s imagine a throne in the heart of both the husband and wife. Whereas in the tug-of-war relationship, the king/queen sitting on the throne of each spouse is the big, proud “I”, in the marriage that follows God’s plan it is CHRIST, not the "I", who sits as the King or Lord of your life.

20. This is the first key to a happy and lasting marriage: Christ must be the Lord in each of your heart. You and your spouse must personally invite Christ to take over the throne of your heart. When Christ is Lord in your individual hearts, then it is no longer the selfish "I" that's dictating your attitudes and actions and wishes and plans. Now, you no longer want to play tug-of-war. Your desire now as husband and wife is to ask: "Lord, what do you want us to do?"

SOME WORDS FOR TEENAGERS

21. At this point, let me talk to you, teenagers as well as adult singles. This is what the Bible means in 2 Corinthians 6:14,15: "Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ will Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever?"

24. In Bible times, farmers plowed with two animals yoked together. They made sure, however, that the animals were of the same equal height; otherwise, if one was lower than the other, the yoke would be unbalanced and would hurt both of them. In Christian marriage, this means that the husband and wife must be of the same "height" or standard -- both of them must have Christ as Lord of their heart. If, say, the wife has Christ in her heart, but the husband has the selfish, self-centered "I" sitting on the throne of his heart (turn over the husband's diagram over), they will be of unequal height; the wife has a higher standard and the husband has a lower standard, and they will be in conflict with one another and will only hurt each other.

25. Young people and singles, in choosing a life partner, the first qualification you must look for in your future husband or wife is this: Is he/she a Christian? Is Christ the Lord of his/her life?

26. Let's go back to our main topic. The first key to a happy and lasting marriage is for both husband and wife to receive Christ as Lord and Savior of their life. This is first component of the FOUNDATION of a successful and happy marriage: ONE LORD.

ONE LAW

27. The second component of the FOUNDATION is ONE LAW (2 Timothy 3:16,17). This is the COMMON GROUND that will last for a lifetime -- the WORD OF GOD. This is the solid rock on which you can build a happy and lasting marriage. All other ground is sinking sand.

28. Illustration: Please imagine an open Bible on the floor between you and your spouse. At this moment, you are standing inside your own circle opposite each other. Now, both of you move from your circle in order to stand on the OPEN BIBLE. You are now standing on the only common ground that will last for a lifetime, in fact, forever. You see, when Christ is Lord in both of your hearts, then your desire is no longer to try and pull your partner to come over to your side (as in the tug-of-war) but both of you will be asking: "Lord, what do you want us to do?" You are now submitted to the ONE LAW of Christ.

29. The important thing is no longer what the husband wants or what the wife wants. The important thing is what the Lord wants; and God reveals what He wants in His book, the Bible. The Bible, God's Word, becomes the ONE LAW of your life and marriage and of everything else you do in life.

ONE PURPOSE

30. The FOUNDATION God gives for a happy and lasting marriage consists of, first, ONE LORD, second, ONE LAW, and thirdly, ONE PURPOSE: TO BE A HELPMATE TO EACH OTHER (Genesis 2:18).

31. To illustrate, let’s draw a TRIANGLE. On the top (apex) of the triangle is GOD; at the base on the right side is the HUSBAND, on the left side of the base is the WIFE.

32. Every marriage is a triangle. A successful marriage is a triangle, consisting of God, the husband and the wife working together. An unsuccessful marriage is also a triangle, consisting of the husband, the wife and a third party (not God).

33. Now, let’s draw an arrow going from the husband toward God, and a similar arrow going from the wife toward God. The arrows, pointing in the same direction toward God, symbolize that in a happy, lasting marriage the husband and the wife are both committed to the same purpose, God's purpose for their marriage.

34. Marriage has a three-fold aspect in this one purpose:

(a) To complete each other (Genesis 1:26,27; 2:18, 21-24)

Body: To meet each other's physical needs (food, security, sex)

Soul: To meet each other's "person" needs ( need for companionship & friendship; needs related to the development of the whole "person": mind, emotion, career, gifts and talents)

Spirit: To meet each other's spiritual needs (become like Christ)

(b) To raise a godly family (Malachi 2:13-16).

(c) To fulfill your God-given work in this (John 15:16). Every marriage has a God-given assignment to perform in this world. The husband and wife must help each other fulfill this purpose.

CONCLUSION

35. In conclusion, let me ask you teenagers and adult singles: Will you ask God to give you a life-partner who will commit together with you to these F. A. C. T. S. THAT BUILD A HAPPY AND LASTING MARRIAGE?

36. Now, let me ask you husbands and wives: Do you want to have a solid and lasting FOUNDATION for your marriage?

(a) Each one of you must RECEIVE CHRIST IN YOUR HEART AS LORD AND SAVIOR.

(b) Together you must commit to FOLLOW GOD'S WORD AS THE ONE LAW OF YOUR LIFE AND MARRIAGE.

(c) Together you must COMMIT TO FULFILL GOD'S THREE-FOLD PURPOSE FOR YOUR MARRIAGE. (Later in this lecture series, we shall talk again of these three purposes).

37. Husbands and wives, will you join hands together with your spouse and pray with me in this prayer of commitment.

"Lord Jesus, we want to build our marriage on Your strong FOUNDATION. We invite You to come in our hearts to be our Lord and Savior in our personal life and in our marriage. We accept the Bible as the ONE LAW of our life and relationship. And with Your help, we commit ourselves to fulfill Your three-fold purpose for our marriage. In the name of Jesus our Lord we pray. Amen."