[ENTER WISHY WASHY CARRYING A WASH-BASKET]
WISHY WASHYoh hello there boys and girls, what a nice surprise, you haven’t brought me any washing have you? I’m up to here with the stuff; honestly i feel like i live on Albert Square all these people who should have their own washing machines coming to my launderette every day, service wash here and there. Not that I’m complaining, that’s not like me and we need the money. I’m a happy soul you know. How are you lot then; cat got your tongue? Hello (AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION) that’s enough of that, oh here’s my son. He’s such a good boy, lazy but a good boy. whoo hoo Aladdin over here.
ALADDINhi mum, hello boys and girls (ENSURE AUDIENCE REPLY)
WISHY WASHYgive us a kiss then
ALADDINmum, not in front of all these people; it’s not cool
WISHY WASHYneither are you (GIVES HIM A SLOPPY KISS ON THE CHEEK)
WISHY WASHYoh go on with you, right I’m off to sort out all these odd socks (SHE EXITS)
ALADDINphew; I’m glad she’s gone. It’s her birthday tomorrow and I need to have a look about to see what she might like. She’s a difficult woman to please. (HE BEGINS TO LOOK AROUND THE STAGE AS ABANAZER ENTERS WITH HIS SIDE KICK)
SIDE KICK oh boss when are we going to stop and get something to eat?
ABANAZERbe quite, you snivelling excuse of a servant.
SIDE KICKYes boss
ABANAZERaccording to this map we are almost there
SIDE KICK But, oh great one, you looked tired and hungry and wouldn’t the search be easier if we were fed?
ABANAZERI see your point; hey boy
ALADDINYou talking to me?
SIDE KICKDo you see anyone else here abouts?
ALADDINGuess not, what can I do for ya?
SIDE KICKMy master wishes to be fed
SIDE KICKSo could you tell us where the local cafe is?
ALADDINAbout four miles that way; this isn’t Crouch End you know we don’t have much fancy stuff round here. Which is probably why we’re all broke
ABANAZERPoor are you?
SIDE KICKlook at him; he looks like he gets cast offs from Primark
ALADDINYou could say that; my mum dresses me in any unclaimed laundry. I spent a whole winter in woman knickers once.
SIDE KICKToo much information
ABANAZERDear boy; could you rustle something up for us; we can pay you.
SIDE KICKWe can? (ABANAZER KICKS HIM)
ABANAZERnaturally, what do you say lad?
ALADDINwell I could do with the cash; it’s my mum’s birthday you see and...
ABANAZERYes, yes... that’s all very interesting; the food?
ALADDINright – sandwich and coffee do you?
ABANAZERwonderful (ALADDIN EXITS)
SIDE KICKOh mighty one; we don’t have any money
ABANAZERBut that runt doesn’t know that does he
SIDE KICKah, cunning. I like it. Ohh you are evil
ABANAZERI hardly think skipping out on lunch is evil
SIDE KICKsuppose so(ENTER ALADDIN)
ALADDINHere you go; I even found a packet of salt and vinegar to make it all posh and that
ABANAZERWe are most grateful
SIDE KICKcheers mate
ABANAZER(GETS OUT MAP, ALADDIN TRIES TO LOOK OVER THEIR SHOULDER WITHOUT THEM REALISING) by my calculations we are here and the location
SIDE KICKSo we go up there and then we turn... do you mind?
ALADDINno, not at all
ABANAZERI say good man would you by chance get me a cooling drink of water
SIDE KICKwith ice?
ABANAZERoh and the bill
SIDE KICKhuh (HE IS KICKED AGAIN)
ALADDINright oh (HE EXITS)
ABANAZERgrab what you can
SIDE KICKthis way (THEY RUN OFF WITH THEIR FOOD THEN ENTRE ALADDIN)
ALADDINHere you go; oh those bug... (CALL FROM OFF STAGE TO INTERRUPT HIM)
WISHY WASH who else? Where has all my cheese gone
ALADDINoh mum, I’ve been had... I was trying to make a bit of cash by making these blokes a sandwich and they ran off with them without paying and now I’m really skint and I haven’t even got you a present yet (BEGINS TO CRY HYSTERICALLY)
WISHY WASH oh my dear boy. It doesn’t matter you tried
ALADDINit does matter, it’s not on.
WISHY WASH Well what can you do about it now they’ll be long gone? Dry your eyes. No use crying over something you can’t do anything about
ALADDIN(STOPS CRYING) but I can; I know where they’re off to. Their map was a bit unclear but I’m sure I saw where they are going. (GOES TO RUN OFF STAGE; TURNS BACK KISSES HIS MUM AND RUNS OFF)
WISHY WASH that boy, so impetuous (SHE EXITS> ENTER ABANAZER &SIDE KICK)
ABANAZERAt last here we are and all my dreams and desires will come true
SIDE KICKBut there ain’t nothing here?
ABANAZERAh the mind of an imbecile; think beyond what you can see.
ABANAZERWatch this. (ENTER ALADDIN WITHOUT BEING SEEN) From all the ages of man I summon the cave of Atheran. With all the wealth man can desire inside, I call you rise rise RISE; For now is the time to be set free. I command you open Sesame. (NOTHING HAPPENS)
SIDE KICKBoss; did you forget a bit?
ABANAZERI don’t think so. I’m following the instructions look – (SHOWS PAPER/ MEANWHILE ALADDIN HAS BEEN SNEAKING CLOSER)
SIDE KICKWell it’ll be this bit that’s got you stuck. ‘Pure of heart’ (THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND TURN BUT JUST MISS SEEING ALADDIN) If only we knew someone. (MORE LOOKING AROUND – POSSIBILITY OF AUDIENCE HE’S BEHIND YOU UNTIL FINALLY THEY SEE HIM – THERE IS A CHASE AND HE IS CAUGHT)
ALADDIN Let me go
ABANAZERYou seem a pure sort of fellow; a diamond in the rough one might well say (EVIL LAUGH)
SIDE KICKclever; yes, oh very clever
ABANAZERNow boy say this... (SHOWS PAPER)
ALADDIN And why should I do that; you both ran off without paying and now you want me to do that; under duress no less.
SIDE KICKMate, listen we didn’t have the money to pay you but we knew we could get it
ALADDINan unlikely story
ABANAZER It is all true, you see this cave holds untold wealth and power and we were going to come back and pay you once we’d got it. How could we be so cruel as to not want to reward your hospitality but you see we need someone young and free spirited to say this. We will naturally share the loot
SIDE KICK What have you got to loose?
ALADDINWell when you put it like that.
ABANAZERSo dear boy will you read it
ALADDINGo on then. From all the ages of man I summon the cave of Atheran. With all the wealth man can desire inside, I call you rise rise RISE; For now is the time to be set free. I command you open Sesame. (THERE IS A RUMBLING SOUND AND THE CAVE BEGINS TO RISE, LIGHTS FLASH)
ABANAZER It’s working... It’s working
SIDE KICKI’m so excited
ABANAZERThe cave of Atheran, pay attention. But where is the entrance?
SIDE KICKI can’t see one
ALADDINthere look that little opening there.
ABANAZERTypical; can’t I catch a break. Get in there you
SIDE KICKI’ll try (TRIES BUT IS TOO BIG) sorry master too many pies
ALADDIN I bet I could fit.
ABANAZERYes you probably can. So young man all I want is the lamp; you can have anything else after that but first go and fetch me the lamp. Consider everything else your payment for the help you’ve given us.
ALADDIN You sure; you just want a lamp because IKEA isn’t that far you know
ABANAZERHa ha ha, so witty. YES – the lamp. First get me the lamp and then everything else is yours.
ABANAZERRemember first the lamp.
SIDE KICKDon’t ouch nothing else till you get that
ALADDIN Alright I get it
ABANAZERWonderful, in you go(THEY SQUEEZE HIM THROUGH THE HOLE)
SIDE KICKBreath in
ALADDIN HEY, BE CAREFUL there are other jewels I want to watch out for
ABANAZERSoon soon we I will have everything Ha ha ha ha
SIDE KICKWe will
SIDE KICKok you can keep on laughing then
ABANAZER & SIDE KICK Ha ha ha ha ha (THEY EXIT SCENE CHANGES TO CAVE AND ALADDIN)
ALADDIN This place is creepy, but look at the size of that ruby, no, mustn’t touch anything till I’ve found a lamp. I wonder why they want it so badly. What do you think boys and girls? Oh look there it is. Funny looking thing. Right better take this up. What was that? Did you say something? (AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION) You know what a deals a deal and I said I’d take it up. Seems a bit rude to not give it a clean first though. (GOES TO RUB THE LAMP BUT HEARS A SHOUT FROM OFF STAGE)
ABANAZERHave you found it yet
ALADDIN Yep right here
ABANAZERBring it up then boy
ALADDIN all right keep your knickers on
ALADDIN Now that’s just rude. (TRIPS AND SEES ANOTHER LAMP BUT THIS ONE IS MODERN) oh typical now which one will he want. I’m guessing the new one. I’ll take both. (ENTER ABANAZER &SIDE KICK) right you two i’ve got this one for you and...
ABANAZERYou fool, that’s not it
SIDE KICKwhat a pratt
ALADDIN well if you just hang o
ABANAZERget back in there and find it (THERE IS A RUMBLE) What’s that?
SIDE KICKDon’t ask me (THEY PUSH HIM BACK INTO THE CAVE. A LOUDER RUMBLE)
ABANAZERHave you touched something
SIDE KICKnope, not me, never, what gives you that idea (A LOUDER RUMBLE)
SIDE KICKerrm, insurance
ALADDIN What about me? (CRASH SOUND – THEY ALL FALL, ALAIN INTO THE CAVE WITH THE LAMP AND THE OTHERS THE OTHER SIDE.)
ABANAZERYOU GREEDY, foolish...
SIDE KICKSorry boss I couldn’t resist is was so shiny and pretty and
ABANAZERwell you’ve done it now we don’t have the lamp and look there is no way o getting in
SIDE KICKlet’s go find someone a bit purer of heart to open it, he’s have suffocated by then and we can get the lamp
ABANAZERvery well. Who?
SIDE KICKI’ve had my eye on the Sultan’s daughter for a while now and she lives about five miles that way
ABANAZERYou randy pumpkin you. If you insist
SIDE KICKReally? Oh big man; you treat me well.
ABANAZERYes yes let’s get on with it
SIDE KICKYou won’t regret it; she’s such a fox I’m telling you. Last time... (HE CONTINUES TO SPEAK AS THEY EXIT)
ALADDIN Great. HELP, HELP. Help. There’s no point. All over this dirty, beat up lamp. (HE RUBS IT. A FLASH OF LIGHT AND A GENIE APPEARS) what the f’
GENIE Oh steady, family show
ALADDIN Wh, who, who are you?
GENIE I am the genie of the lamp
ALADDIN The what?
GENIE I am the genie of the lamp
ALADDIN Hi, I’m Aladdin.
GENIE I am the genie of the lamp
ALADDIN Right, I’ve got that now.
GENIEFor a millennia I have been trapped inside, a prisoner of Atheran or a victim you decide. Now released I ask you stranger do you feel in mortal danger?
GENIEPhew, what a relief, I hate that game beyond belief
GENIEThe test, the one that you just passed for now you claim this treasure vast
ALADDINare you going to talk in rhyme the whole time?
GENIEIt’s in my nature, in my past. I’m sure it will not last
ALADDINI wish it wouldn’t
ALADDINWhat was granted?
ALADDINhang on, hang on. You mean I just made a wish and you granted it?
GENIEYup, you didn’t finish school did you?
ALADDINAs it happened yes but genies weren’t on the curriculum
GENIE Ok, so here’s a basic break down. You rub a lamp and a genie pops out and then you get three wishes, once you’ve had three that’s it and so the next person who rubs it gets three wishes and so on.
ALADDINAnything you can’t wish for?
GENIEAs it happens no but what you wish for isn’t real.
ALADDINWhat do you mean?
GENIESo if you wish for money it won’t last, love, power etc etc, it doesn’t last. Not a lot of people know.
GENIEBecause by now most people have wished for those last three things and I’m back in the lamp.
ALADDINI see, and I wasted one on getting you to speak properly
GENIEI’m only kidding about that one; funny though you should have seen your face.
ALADDINSo that bloke was after your wishes. That makes sense.
ALADDINTall, dark hair talks posh, side kick.
GENIEI know who that is. The Evil ABANAZER
ALADDINEvil, seems a bit much; a run away but evil is strong.
GENIESo your first wish
ALADDINIf they’re not real I don’t see the point
GENIEMore they don’t last. So certain wishes make sense like I wish we were out of this cave
ALADDINThat would last?
GENIEYup, it’s small, easy.
GENIEAs easy as one two three.
ALADDINI believe you.
ALADDINI believe you, honest it should be easy
GENIEIt is look (FOLDS HER ARMS, NODS HER HEAD AND THEY ARE OUT OF THE CAVE) see. Out we are
ALADDINSo three wishes
ALADDINI tought we weren’t counting that speech one
GENIEwe’re not, the out of the cave one however
ALADDINI didn’t wish for that
GENIEYou sod, ok, you get that one
ALADDINSo what next?
GENIEWhat’s next? That’s up to you.
ALADDINYou know I’ve always wanted to treat my mum to the best birthday ever, she works so hard and has always been there for me when dad left us. She deserves to be treated like a Sultan
GENIEYou want me to turn your mum into a man?
ALADDINNO, no, just you know spoilt like one.
GENIEI get it. OK; I think this might be the best wish anyone has ever made. Be careful what you say.
ALADDINI wish my mum could have the best birthday ever.
GENIEYour wish is my command (FOLDS HER ARMS, NODS HER HEAD AND THEY EXIT ENTER SULTAN AND HIS DAUGHTER AND SERVANTS)
PRINCESSFather I just don’t understand why all of a sudden you have the urge to invite some washer woman and her pimply son to dinner
SULTAN It’s good for public relations.
PRINCESSbut you hate the poor
SULTAN I thought so too but recently, I’ve changed my mind
PRINCESSI approve father but I’m a bit confused
SULTAN Me too.
PRINCESSOh here they come. Man he’s fit.
WISHY WASHYOPh, your Sultananess, it is such a great honour to meet you.
SULTAN You are welcome. Tonight we have prepared for you the most amazing dish possible.
PRINCESSHope you like couscous.
SULTAN (CLAPS HIS HANDS, ENTER TWO SERVANTS WHO ARE ACTUALLY ABANAZER AND HIS SIDE KICK, NO ONE NOTICES)
WISHY WASHY This is all so delightful
PRINCESSSo you come here often?
SULTAN (CLAPS HIS HANDS THE SERVANTS REMOVE THINGS AND BRING NEW THINGS)
PRINCESSThat’s a cool lamp, where did you get it?
ABANAZERIt is him, the weasel How did he escape?
SIDE KICKAnd he’s after my girl
ALADDIN Just a market in Camden (ABANAZER TRIES TO TAKE THE LAMP BUT THE SULTAN CLAPS HIS HANDS AND THEY ALL MOVE)
SULTAN Let us raise our glasses to our wonderful guest
WISHY WASHYOh Aladdin this is the most amazing birthday present I’ve ever had. Thank you.
PRINCESSYou’re such a caring son.
SULTAN Children looking after their parents, whatever next
PRINCESSleave it out dad
SULTAN Mrs Washy, you are indeed a lucky woman to have such dedication
ABANAZER Oh please don’t make me sick. Pssst... You get it
SIDE KICKLeans in to get lamp.
ABANAZER Get it
PRINCESSCould you show me more of your treasures?
SULTAN (CLAPS HANDS)
ABANAZERoh for heaven’s sake.
ALADDINSure (SIDE KICK SPITS IN HIS DRINK AND PASSES IT TO HIM)
VOICE OF GENIEDon’t drink it
VOICE OF GENIEYou know she’s in to you?
ALADDINWho, my mum?
VOICE OF GENIENo, idiot the Princess
ALADDINNo way, why would she like me
VOICE OF GENIEI don’t know but she does
VOICE OF GENIEJust look at her mooning all over you
PRINCESSAladdin, tell me more about the laundry business
SULTAN Oh my dear don’t bother him (SIDE KICK LEANS IN SWIPES THE LAMP)
ALADDINI think you might be right
PRINCESSright about what?
ALADDINnothing. Shall we take a walk?
SULTAN Be careful with her or you’ll loose your head, ha ha
PRINCESSFather, not now.
SULTAN I’m only being a careing fther. Mrs Washy would you like a tour of the palace