Empathy: A Key Skill of Emotional Intelligence

What is empathy?

How does it feel when your feelings are not considered?

How might others feel when you do your own thing and you do not consider the effects of your behaviour on them?

Steps to understanding the feelings of others:

1.Watch the other person

  • Notice tone of voice, posture, and facial expressions

2.Listen to what the other person is saying

  • Actively listen to understand the content
  • Look directly at the person and maintain eye contact
  • React with non-verbal cues that show you are listening (nod, widen eyes, tilt or turn your head, raise an eyebrow, smile etc).
  • Really concentrate on what the speaker is saying
  • Relate what is being said to your own experience

3.Figure out what the person might be feeling

  • Use emotional intelligence to detect if the person is angry, sad or anxious

4.Think about ways to show you understand what he/she is feeling

  • Paraphrase, ask questions & provide feedback

Specific Strategies to empathize

is summarizing what the other person is saying

  • It shows that you are listening and that you understand what has been said
  • It is also used to check for clarification.

Examples: “So what you are saying is”(summarized key points)

“If I am hearing you correctly, you are saying that…”

“So you are frustrated because…” or “I am hearing from you that…”

continually thinking of a question to ask prompts your mind to

stay alert, catch details and follow along.

  • Open ended questions: questions which cannot be answered with yes or no.
  • E.g. how did that make you feel? (Answer – well I felt sad because…)
  • Closed end questions:questions which can be answered with yes or no.
  • E.g. did it make you feel sad? (Answer – yes or no)

Examples: wait for a pause and ask the speaker your question

  • Closed ended: “And this made you feel angry or upset at your friend?”
  • Open ended: “How did this make you feel towards your friend?”

Give some constructive feedback without judgment

  • Be respectful and specific in your advice
  • Use “I” statements not “you” statements, e.g. “I got confused when…”

or “you really gave me something to think about…”

Practice the Skill

Please read the follow exercise by Kottler & Kottler (2007) and complete with a partner: