Edited by SHINJU EMMY CHANG, MA, MFT

Edited by SHINJU EMMY CHANG, MA, MFT

Conflict Management

Why is coping with conflict important?

Differences of opinion are part of life. Conflict is not always bad, but it does need to be managed at work and at home.

Where does conflict come from?

People in the same situation can have very different feelings or ideas about what to do. For example, one supervisor may yell at a late employee while another may ignore him.

Conflict may arise over power. For instance, a couple may have conflict over who should make decisions about spending money.

Is conflict healthy?

Conflict can be healthy when it brings differences out into the open so they can be talked about. Differences of opinion help people develop a sense of who they are, a sense of self. Conflicts help people to take responsibility for stating how they feel. Conflicts can lead to people being more motivated and creative due to being open to new ideas and ways of thinking other than their own.

How do people manage conflict?

Because people are not the same, they deal with conflict differently. Also, some conflicts are small and easily managed. If a conflict is not very important to you, you may give in without feeling that too much was lost.

Some of the ways people manage conflict are:

·  Competition. You may be assertive and not cooperate because you feel that if you do not win in a certain situation, you are a loser. This style is used by assertive people in situations they care deeply about. It may have the disadvantage of making the other person feel that he or she has "lost."

·  Avoidance. You may not talk about the conflicts. This may be because you fear expressing difficult feelings or because you just do not care about the issue or about the other person. This style can work well in situations that are not really important to you.

·  Accommodation. The person with this style gives in to the other person because he may feel guilty about "winning" anything for himself or because the other person has much more power than he does. You may get a reputation for being easy-going, but then resent that the other person always gets his or her way.

·  Collaboration/Compromise. People with this style talk about the conflict openly because they feel confident in their ability to manage it. They recognize that both parties may not get all their needs met, and actively look for "win-win" solutions. This style can be used for major or complex conflicts in which both sides are committed to finding solutions.

Most people have one style of managing conflict that comes naturally to them. It is important to be able to use any of the four styles. People can be taught to manage conflict. For example, you need to be able to compromise if you are a natural competitor. Decide whether an issue is important to you, whether the other person's feelings are important to you, and what you will win or lose by using a certain conflict strategy with that person.

What are the key steps to resolve conflict?

Major conflicts can be resolved in the following way if both parties are willing to participate:

1.  Set aside a time and place to deal with the conflict. Choose a period of time, like an hour, and stick to it. This keeps conflict from dragging on in an unhelpful way.

2.  Each person writes down his view of what the conflict is and reads it aloud to the other person.

3.  Each person writes down and reads aloud to the other his feelings and dissatisfactions about the conflict.

4.  Each person writes down and then reads aloud to the other what he needs and wants and what his goals are in relation to the conflict.

5.  During steps (2), (3), and (4), each person listens carefully to the other.

6.  In a role reversal, each person argues the other's point of view (rather than his own) to make sure that each really listened to the other.

7.  Each person lists and then shares aloud with the other how goals can be achieved, using compromise if needed.

8.  Focus on "win-win" situations in which both people feel that some of their needs are met.

9.  If necessary, use a facilitator (any neutral third party who can listen well) to keep the process on track and on time.

10.  Write a contract for a plan of action, including what each party agrees to do, how they will do it, and by when.

11.  Agree on how the contract will be put into effect and set up a follow-up meeting to see how things are working out.

How can conflict be avoided?

Conflicts sometimes happen because people have not been listening to each other or have been pursuing their own goals without paying attention to others. Since conflict is harder to resolve when it has gone on for a long time, being able to prevent conflict can be important.

Conflicts can sometimes be avoided by:

·  using active listening skills (such as eye contact and repeating the key points you have heard to show you understand)

·  balancing assertiveness with being accommodating to avoid becoming resentful and angry, because anger brings on more conflict

·  trying to be more tolerant and accepting of others

·  increasing the amount of support you give to others by letting them know that you understand their position (this does not mean you have to change your own position).

Unresolved conflicts can lead to blaming others, angry feelings, fear, and hurt feelings. When conflicts are resolved, people can work better together as a team (raising children, for example) and have the boost in self-esteem that comes from working through something difficult.

Healthy Conflict for Couples

What is healthy conflict?

Healthy conflict is a way of handling and resolving the differences of opinion that occur between spouses or partners. Healthy conflicts consist of 3 stages: preparing for the conflict and stating its agenda; the heated part of the argument; and the negotiation or wind-down phase. Many couples engage in mutual blaming and accusations, explosive anger, and not hearing each other.

What are the usual major areas of differences for couples?

Different ideas result in conflict in the following areas at some time in most relationships:

·  child rearing

·  managing money

·  in-laws

·  sex

·  individual time versus shared time

·  social life

·  jealousy

·  alcohol or drug use

·  differences in goals and values

·  control struggles (who's in charge)

·  communication problems

·  sharing household and child care responsibilities.

Why is it good to have conflict out in the open?

A relationship will not be truly intimate unless each partner knows what the other one is thinking and feeling. This means bringing differences of opinion out into the open, not "suffering in silence." Speaking up, finding out what's wrong, and then coming to a joint decision on what to do about it are signs of a healthy relationship. Many people do not learn these skills in childhood and may therefore need to learn how to have a healthy conflict.

How do you prepare yourself for a disagreement?

·  Be sure that you have identified the real issue. Perhaps you think you are upset about a recent event, but it may cover up something bigger you are really concerned or angry about.

·  Ask yourself if the issue is worth talking about. Make sure it is about something your partner has done or not done, rather than about who he or she is.

·  Try to choose a time when the stress level is not high.

·  Decide before you talk about the issue what solution would be acceptable to you.

How do you prepare your partner for a disagreement?

·  Make an appointment with your partner. Make sure it is within a day after the grievance starts, so that you feel less frustration.

·  Tell your partner what the discussion will be about.

·  Try to choose a time when your partner is not under stress.

What are the rules of healthy conflict?

·  No physical violence.

·  Each partner must follow the rules of active listening to make sure each understands what the other is saying. This means making eye contact, verbally acknowledging the other's feelings (apologizing when appropriate), and asking questions to be sure each understands the other's feelings.

·  If anger gets in the way, take a brief time-out (from half an hour to no more than 24 hours) and state a definite time to return to the issue. If anger returns when the discussion resumes, take another time-out.

·  Be specific. State your problem and why it bothers you.

·  After you have stated the problem as you see it, your partner states his or her point of view on the issue.

·  Do not state what you believe your partner is thinking. Each person speaks for himself or herself.

·  Agree to disagree sometimes.

·  Maintain mutually respectful behavior. Do not call names or accuse your partner of lying.

·  Avoid labeling your partner ("You are just like your mother").

·  Use "I" statements (as in, "I feel annoyed when you leave your things around for me to pick up"), rather than more blaming "you" statements ("You are inconsiderate").

·  Avoid stating old grievances and stick to the agenda of the current conflict.

·  If you are having trouble coming to an agreement or compromise, agree on an intermission, from an hour to a week.

What should you do after the conflict is over?

The conflict is over when both parties agree to a compromise or agree that the conflict is over.

When the conflict is over:

·  Each partner needs to think about what he or she learned from the conflict. For example, has any new information been gained about a partner's likes or dislikes?

·  Each partner needs to think about how he or she was hurt or hurt the other during the conflict.

·  Each partner needs to think about whether the conflict was valuable in letting off steam.

·  Is each partner satisfied with the conclusion?

Share your thoughts with your partner.

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