Jasco County

A hairy comedy

By

D.M. SCHUETTEE

Copyright©2010

Characters

Edith Talbot……….The Grandmother

Tammy Talbot……….Edith’s Granddaughter

Jimmy Talbot..........Edith’s Grandson

Joan Mitchell……….A weird park resident

Mr. Mackey……….The Starry Sky Trailer Park Manager

Cooter……….Owner of Jasco Brothers towing company

Tater……….Cooter’s Brother

Skeeter……….Cooter’s younger Brother

Sheriff McHanney……….The Town Sheriff

Ed Hermans……….A Bitter Old Man

Alycia StoneWeed……….News Anchor

Kurt Howard……….Local News Team

Ron St. Jean……….News Room Anchor.

David Wells……… Writer for the City Paper

Guy Augustine..........Crypto zoologist/Bigfoot Hunter

Scene 1

The action of the story takes place at the Stary Sky Trailer Home Park at the home of Edith Talbot.

The scene: Summer, early June the present.

Edith Talbot’s trailer, that of a 1950’s flyer model parked in its space 313, there is grass that has grown high over the heavy rains. Power cables are hooked into the space electrical and placed around the trailer is several garden gnomes, pink flamingos a empty milk crate there are many and colorful wind chimes and pots and pans and even an old toilet which plants grow out of. There is a fire pit that is used as a Bar-B-Q. just next to Edith’s trailer is Mr. Hermanns trailer, more than half is covered by curly willow and a dirt path way that leads to the park dumpster. Crickets sound all around the outside the Starry Sky Mobile Home Park. There is an inside light from Edith’s Trailer.

Joan a thin woman age undefined, her hair is pulled back in a pony tail and tied with a red bow is seen in the back ground burying a small object in a hole, she mumbles as she shovels dirt on top of the hole.

JOAN Sorry little creature, though you lasted longer than the last science project of mine.

She disappears with wheel borrow.

There is a snap of a tree branch on the ground in the distance, then another, the crickets have stopped chirping. The Trailer home rocks slightly then violently:From inside the trailer we hear the voice of Edith and Tammy Talbot.

EDITH What the hell is happening? Tammy, Tammy, Tammy, wake up! The trailer is rocking!

TAMMY What the hell is happening Grandma! Is it a tornado?

EDITH I think it’s an earth quake!

TAMMY Earth Quake?

Sounds of dishes crashing to the floor from inside

EDITH Oh my gosh my new china!

TAMMY Hold on Grandma!

EDITH I am, I am, look at me holding on!

TAMMY look out for the flying cake mix!

EDITH Tammy help me!

TAMMY Right here Grandma. Grab my hand!

EDITH I can’t see, where are you?

TAMMY Right here grandma!

EDITH There goes my dentures, get my dentures Tammy!

The big hairy creature shakes the trailer again from the outside.

TAMMY Grandma, careful, watch out for the soup!

The shaking has stopped, Joan has reappeared

JOAN Shoo, go on git!

The creature steps away from the trailer leaving a loud growl in the air before it goes out it grabs a small teddy bear in front of Edith’s Trailer, it hugs it as if it were a small child, then exits out. While Joan wheels her wheel bare of rocks out of sight. Tammy Talbot exits out the trailer home

EDITH My Goodness did we just experience an earthquake Tammy?

TAMMY I don’t know Grandma.

(A loud growl is heard)

EDITH ( Exits out with her tea) Tammy did you hear that? Maybe we just got attacked by a bear?

TAMMY I don’t know what happened Grandma? Ewww, what is that ordor maybe we maybe we got attacked by a raging skunk.

Joan enters once again with a wheel borrow full of white painted rocks.

EDITH Oh my goodness maybe you’re right Tammy, a skunk with a vengeance.

TAMMY I don’t know, but whatever it was, it flatten the one of the tires.

EDITH Damn it! Not the tires, now the damn thing is off balance, it’s going to be hard for me to cook or even go to the bath room.

TAMMY Strange what would a bear being doing around here.

EDITH Probably came around looking for food.

TAMMY Food, it must have been going through the dumpster.

EDITH I don’t know. Tammy better call the sheriff, wait better call the tow company too, come and fix the tire in the morning, I’ll see if I can get of hold of Mr. Mackey.

TAMMY (She goes inside ) Grandma which tow company?

EDITH There’s only one here in town The Jasco County Bros Towing. The number is on the fridge stuck to my Elvis magnet.

TAMMY (from inside) That’s going to be difficult, everything is on the floor Grandma.

EDITH Keep looking honey, it’s near the fridge.

TAMMY Grandma.

EDITH Yes honey.

TAMMY Forget about breakfast in the morning your cheerios is all over the floor.

EDITH Son of bitchin’ bear.

(She takes out her flask blouse and takes a sip then she scouts around the yard and sees that one of her flamingos is rip from the ground and thrown to the side of the trailer) Oh what a mess, that must of been some angry bear even hates my flamingos

There you are Mr. Pinky feathers and let me help you up Mr. One Leg.

Find the number Tammy?

TAMMY I think so it’s all covered with egg yoke.

EDITH Damn bear.

TAMMY (Poking her head outside of the trailer.) Come on in Grandma that bear could still be out there.

EDITH I need to check the propane tanks. (Edith gets flash light from the side of the trailer on a battery charger) I jest hope they aren’t busted up (Tammy hands her the flash light. She scouts around the tank with her flash light.

TAMMY Grandma the tanks okay?

EDITH Yeah thank goodness they’re not all busted up..

TAMMY (On the cordless phone) That’s good…Oh Hello…This is Tammy Talbot…Over here at the Starry Sky Trailer Park…Off Of Hi-way 65…Yes I’ll hold.

EDITH Ask them what time they can come out?

TAMMY Okay Grandma, but they put me on hold…Hello Yeah we just … Our trailer has flat tire, it seems we got attacked by a bear…Uh Huh…Yeah, and we…She goes back inside.

EDITH (To herself) let’s see what other damages this bear has done. Oh my …Oh my poor little garden Gnome…Oh Don’t you worry Mr. Stubby Ol’ Edith will get your head glued back on.

TAMMY (Standing in the door way of the trailer) They said, they will be here in the morning.

EDITH Did they say what time?

TAMMY No they didn’t, just in the morning.

EDITH Crazy town, why of all things, I had to move from Las Vegas to here. Unbelievable, ya know we wouldn’t be here if your Grandpa Leon wouldn’t of just git up and die…I didn’t mean that. I couldn’t afford to keep the house. If it weren’t for aunt Effie leaving on them trips of hers, we wouldn’t have her trailer to live in. I sure do miss Vegas…What a night, I swear this family is cursed. I guess we’ll have to wait for the tow company to come in the morning.

TAMMY We’ll get through it, better come inside.

EDITH Alright.

A tree branch snaps and rustling in the background is heard

EDITH Whose out here! (She pick up her plastic flamingo, Joan appears once more) Joan is that you? What on earth are you doing out here? We were just attacked by a bear tonight, damn thing shook the hell out of my trailer. Did you see a bear out here tonight?.

She picks up garden gnome and dusts it off and puts in back into the yard.

JOAN No.

EDITH Are you sure, damn thing made havoc here. Tammy and I were rolling around inside there like a couple of bee-bees in a glass jar. Are you sure you didn’t see a bear?

JOAN No I did not see a bear.

EDITH (moves to the back of the trailer looking about.) Hmm.

TAMMY (Stands in the door of the trailer).It’s hot out tonight. Sticky. Hey there Joan (Joan waves back at Tammy) Grandma better come inside just in case that bear is still lingering around out there.

EDITH I think he Ska-daddled out of here, probably after my cheerios. Besides cooler out her than the trailer. Get of hold of that tow company yet?

TAMMY Yeah they will send some one out in the morning,

EDITH What time in the morning?

TAMMY Didn’t say, just in the morning (She picks up chairs and dusks them off)

EDITH Typical. You had to see something Joan if you were out here. Sure you didn’t see a bear?

JOAN No Edith I did not see a bear.

EDITH (She sips her tea) Did you see something?

JOAN Well I…

EDITH What on earth are you doing with those rocks Joan?

JOAN I am doing a small project.

EDITH Project?…At this hour? Joan we were attacked by a bear for God sakes.

JOAN Yes, so you said. Anyway I am getting things in order for when they come.

EDITH They? Whose they? Got company coming over?

JOAN Oh, yes company.

EDITH Joan… We’re not on that are we?

TAMMY Not the U.F.O thing again, give it a rest.

JOAN U.F.O… Here? That’s unexpected.

EDITH If it ain’t the bears it’s the loonies

TAMMY What’s with the white rocks?

EDITH Yeah, Joan what’s with the white painted rocks?

JOAN These rocks?

EDITH Yeah those rocks?

JOAN I am putting them around…I am putting them in the back yard.

TAMMY Around in your back yard?

EDITH Now in the middle of the night while there’s a bear around here? You could have been food for that bear! What’s the matter with you?

JOAN As I said before, I did not see a bear.

Joan starts off with the wheel Borrow.

TAMMY Night Joan.

JOAN Good night Tammy good night Edith.

Tammy goes in to call. While Edith takes out her flask and pours liquor into her glass of

tea

TAMMY She’s strange, grandma.

EDITH I think those energy drinks are getting to her.

TAMMY And she smells awful all the time, like dead potatoes and dirt.

EDITH Tammy.

TAMMY As I think about it, she never moved in here at least, I never saw here drive in here with the trailer she lives in now.

EDITH That’s because she moved in Mr. Le Roche’s old trailer.

TAMMY I never saw him move out.

EDITH Of course you did, the Coroner came and picked him up.

TAMMY Grandma how long has she lived here now?

EDITH Six months, and no one has ever been inside her home.

TAMMY Right.

EDITH I remember her moving in, but it was just a couple of suit cases, they were silver ones with some strange writing, It didn’t look English to me.

TAMMY Strange.

EDITH And what about her insulin shot, Mr. Mackey says it’s some kind of DNA Protein vitamin shot that she has to take every day.

TAMMY That is strange, grandma.

EDITH Very, she says she been here in the area for a long time, and she says she’s been around the planet, so she says. Maybe that’s why she packs light. She must be a tourist. Still I wonder what she saw, if she didn’t see a bear.

TAMMY Maybe a mountain lion? Well in any case, I better get the trailer cleaned. Come in grandma I don’t like you being out here.

EDITH I will honey. (She takes out her flask and sneaks a drink) I don’t think that ol’ bear will be back, well at least not tonight anyway.

TAMMY I can get your gun, I know how to load it.

EDITH Nah, won’t be needing that. I’m alright.

Tammy goes back inside the trailer, she exits back out with a coke-a-cola to give to Edith.

Edith moves about in the yard of the trailer and spots something on the ground.

TAMMY Here grandma this will calm your nerves.

EDITH Thank you honey. She opens the can of soda.

Tammy goes back inside the trailer. Edith takes out her flask of liquor and pours it in the soda can) And so will this.

TAMMY Come on Grandma get back inside.

EDITH Coming. (She hesitates) What the….(She discovers something with her flashlight on the ground)…Foot prints and big ones too. On no…Could it be…I think he’s come back…(She looks off into the distance, then leaves the can soda on the ground next to the broken garden gnome.

BLACK OUT

SCENE 2

It is morning Edith is seen with her garden gnome in hand as she is doing her best to repair it from the night before. Edith picks up the empty soda can. And discovers a few hair strains she puts the can in her coat pocket.

EDITH Almost dry there Mr. Chubs and then you’ll be all better. (The head falls off the gnome) Well all most.

Mr. Mackey enters he is a man in his 60’s and wears shorts, with a baseball cap and a Hawaiian shirt, and hiking boots with a radio attached to his belt.

VOICE (A voice is heard from Mr. Mackey’s radio)

Front office to Mackey.

MACKEY Go ahead June.

VOICE That coffee you wanted earlier…Well I had to go toilet and the coffee pot got burnt. Over.

MACKEY June how long were you in the bathroom? Over.

VOICE I had to go four times since this morning. Over.

MACKEY I have Pepto Over.

There is a silence no answer from June in the front office.

MACKEY June did you copy?...June.

VOICE I’m still thinking if I need it. Over.

MACKEY June don’t make anything else until I get back up to the office and wash your hands. Over.

VOICE You welcome. Over…I mean Ten-Four.

Mackey just moves on to greet Edith

MR. MACKEY Morning Edith, it’s going be another warm day, I got here as quick as I could, I was tired up at home. Hard to get out of those ropes I told Gary not so tight. You seem alright? There any damage? It’s odd, there would be any bears here in this area. Oh I see you got a flat tire Huh?

EDITH Yeah, flat tire, Tammy called a tow company, they said they would be here some time this morning.