This document showcases a real Comprehensive Editing Order as it was returned to the client. [Bracketed phrases] have been used substituted for the client’s name and other identifying information.
Dear [client],
Thank you again for placing your order with me via . I am pleased to have you as a customer and I will do my best work to make sure you can submit this statement with full confidence.
The format of my edits is quite simple. After these general comments I will reproduce the original draft of your statement and make comments on it in the margins using the Track Changes tool. These comments will highlight areas of possible confusion and suggest some additions to your statement in addition to explaining some of the changes I make. At the end will come the revised version. To date, all of my customers have been very happy with this format, but I will welcome your comments on its strengths and weaknesses.
On the whole, I think this is a good statement. The biggest problem that I noticed was that you didn’t seem to really develop a clear vision of what you want to do professionally after earning this degree. There is not really a wrong answer here, but the secret is to be specific. Do you want to stay in the US and work for a news outlet? Do you want to work as the New York arts correspondent for a Taiwanese paper? While I did feel like I left the essay with a better understanding of you and how you think, I don’t know what you are planning for your life.
There were also some “nuts and bolts” problems like awkward phrasing or some subtle grammar errors that I will fix along the way. You will note that the essay is a bit shorter after my revision—this is the normal result of my reworking a variety of sentences and eliminating some unnecessary course titles. Use this space to make the major addition I suggested above and also be sure to read the margin comments for more suggestions. Hopefully you will have time to submit this statement to me again for another quick review before submission.
All the best,
Nathan Labenz
Original Statement
When a man stays alone, he remains to be little. However, when he communicates [NAL1]with others, he finds the way to connect to this magnificent world.[NAL2]
After majoring in English literature for four years, I realized that the thing one could do by studying only literature is little[NAL3] in contemporary world, yet media today helps us to accomplish the dream we had faster[NAL4]- to communicate with the world. In order to correlate myself with the world full of information and the post-modern culture [NAL5]that I live within, I perceived there is a need to gain more knowledge of the culture itself by not only doing research about theory, history, but also studying in the culture and media industries. Therefore, I believe that the Department of Communication Arts in the University of Wisconsin will provide me with the combination of theoretical and practical studies that I am eager to pursue.
Since I was in high school, I have hold a prospect of developing a career in media related fields so I joined some activities such as experiencing an advertising majors life in National Chengchi University for a week and made a visit to China Television Company where experienced being an anchor sitting behind the desk reporting news and participating in making a television show.[NAL6] Though afterwards, I chose English literature as my major because I need English as a language tool to get the information from all over the world better. Surprisingly, I acquire not only a language tool but also a critical thinking that influenced me the most. Further more, I did not only take the required courses of the English department during the four years of college study, but also took courses related to communication studies such as Introduction to Journalism, Communication and Culture, and Introduction to Communication Theory under the category of general studies. [NAL7]These courses provide me basic understandings of how we should examine the process in which media create news, of how important the professional ethics is to journalists and those who works in related fields, and of how media permeate through our daily life.
Besides, I took cultural studies related courses in the English department as well, which are Special Topics in Cultural Criticism and Theory (1), Special Topics in Literature and Culture (1), Special Topics in Literature and Culture (2), and Seminar in Cultural Studies (1)-Frankfurt School Theory. In the courses above, I enjoyed them all; however, the course Special Topics in Cultural Criticism and Theory (2) [NAL8]impressed me the most because students were separated into groups and the assignment is to find the differences between different kinds of media including TV news programs, newspapers or magazines reports in the same country on an event that has significant meaning to human society and culture such as Vietnam War, Zimbabwe Genocide, Rwanda Genocide, War in Iraq, etc.[NAL9] From those reports we compared, we discussed how media deal with the rhetoric methods they use to shape readers thoughts, the race issue, and the gender issue[NAL10]. After receiving such training in these courses, I started to realize that the culture industry needs people who are equipped with critical thinking and humanist compassion more than commercially strategic professionals. [NAL11]The courses offered by your Communication Arts Department are highly attractive to me because the curriculum maintains a balance of empirical study, practical experience, critical analysis, and theoretical lecturing. Students admitted to the Media and Cultural Studies will not only be equipped with a profound knowledge of the history of media (especially in electronic form such as television, broadcasting, and film)[NAL12] and theoretical analysis with critical approaches to media but the ability to practice editing of a shot project in person. [NAL13]For the reasons above, I know the Communication Arts Department of University Wisconsin at Madison is the best choice for me and I also conceive that although I did not major in communication during my college years[NAL14], I own some unique qualities such as cross-cultural communication skills, humanistic compassion and imaginative thoughts the department would favor its students to possess before joining the program.
Revised Statement
My study of English Literature at XX[NAL15] University did not, as many had predicted, unlock a large number of immediate career opportunities. By studying writers and their characters, though, I did develop a guiding personal philosophy: to be alone is to be powerless and change is only possible through meaningful connection with others. In the modern world, media makes such connections possible across great distances and even times. Although the volume of information we receive may threaten to overwhelm at times, well-conceived and executed media production can have far-reaching effects. From literature, the connector of the past, I plan to move forward to study modern culture through the lens of the theory, history, and practice of media. With this plan in mind, I believe the University of Wisconsin’s Department of Communication Arts will provide the combination of theoretical and practical studies I am eager to pursue.
Since high school, I have cultivated an interest in media. I once shadowed an advertising student for a week at National Chengchi University and later visited the China Television Company where I helped produce a live news broadcast and even appeared on the air. I chose English Literature as an academic concentration because the English language itself is so critical to professional work in Taiwan, but I was also delighted to develop as an abstract critical thinker. I made sure to build practical skills by taking introductory journalism classes and studied both the relationship between communication and culture and fundamental communication theory as well. Through these courses, I learned to dissect and examine the way media creates news and considered the ethical questions that journalists face as they select the stories that will permeate daily life. I supplemented these studies with courses in cultural studies.
One class in particular, called Special Topics in Cultural Criticism and Theory, split the class into groups and required us to find multiple media accounts of a major historical event and then analyze the differences and underlying politics. I researched reports of “Zimbabwe Civil War” as they appeared in the American or British media, by collecting news from 1981-1986 and again after 1991. There was a sharp difference in news before and after the major events, and we found that issues of gender and electoral politics were critical to shaping the coverage. Further, we showed how graphic details of the Zimbabwean president’s inhumane behavior served to exacerbate the turbulence and deepen the conflict. Other groups addressed the Vietnam War, the Rwanda Genocide, and the Iraq War using TV coverage, newspapers, and magazines, depending on availability. In post-presentation discussions, we were able to reach many insightful conclusions about the importance of rhetorical methods and the way language frames much of the debate around issues as basic as race and gender.
As I have continued to reflect on these analytical exercises and subsequently acted as a more informed consumer of media, I have felt the need to import my own critical thinking and humanist compassion to the modern media. I realize that today’s market places more emphasis on commercial strategy and viability, but I believe graduate study should allow me to master both skill sets so that I can work in the United States upon my graduation. The combination of empirical study, practical experience, critical analysis, and theoretical discourse that characterizes the Wisconsin program is particularly well-suited to my needs. I look forward to combining a profound understanding of media history, including television, radio broadcast, and film, with a critical approach and practical production experience. I know that my unique cross-cultural communication skills and the imagination I developed as a literature student will allow me to make a great impact on my fellow students, and I would be honored to join the Communication Arts Department in Madison.
About Page 2, Note 2:
I was responsible for the research of the reports of “Zimbabwe Civil War”, my group mates and I examine the position and perspectives by taking advantage of either the press of America or the media of Britain. Moreover, from the news I collected from 1981-1986 and after 1991, I found the missed information that were truly of great importance, they are, issues of gender, of the electoral policies and of the media. By delineating the news before and after the Civil War, we proved the president of Zimbabwe’s inhuman behavior and to be concluded, it was a catalyst to exacerbate the turbulence of the Civil War in Zimbabwe.
I don’t know if this abstraction of my paper can provide any detail you suggest me to illustrate more in this part, but I put it here for you to see whether I should add it in or not.
--This is helpful! I’ll add some of this material.
About Page 2, Note 4:
I think it is better to say have “both” critical thinking, humanist compassion and commercially strategic professionals would better than to emphasize strongly only one of them. Just like you did in the revised version. I do want to work in the US after finishing my master degree, and I hope my qualities are something the industry might hire me, if not, I guess the non-profit organizations might. Do you have any idea of this?
--To be honest, I don’t know much about the industry at all. In any case though, I think the solution I used in the revision will work. I also added that you want to work in the US in the last paragraph.
Conclusion:
I think you really did a good job at revising the statement for me, thank you very much. I don’t know if it is too obvious that it is written by some native speaker instead of an international student like me if I take your revised version to apply for a master’s degree. Besides, what the length is to be considered a good statement, fewer than 600 words? Thank you again!!
Best wishes,
Chih-chun
--I’m very glad you were happy with the statement. The issue of whether or not it is obviously a native speaker writing is a tricky one. So far this fall, I have helped several Korean applicants get in to top business schools within the first round of applications, so I don’t think it is a huge problem. Readers know that editing services exist and I think for foreign students, the prevailing thinking is that they are acceptable as a tool to help applicants communicate their strengths clearly. Your TOEFL score will serve as a more objective measure of your English skills.
The length of this statement is on the shorter side of all the statements I’ve read, but not worryingly so. I think it is fine.
[NAL1]The connection between this idea and the major in communication studies seems a bit tenuous in my opinion.
[NAL2]This is an interesting idea, but I would rather see it phrased as something you have come to believe than as a statement from an unknown viewpoint.
[NAL3]I understand your ideas here, but I am concerned that you would say you want to participate in this program because your past degree didn’t afford you many options. It would be better to focus on the good parts of this program and why you are so interested in it.
[NAL4]I don’t understand what you mean by “faster” here.
[NAL5]Terms like “post-modern” probably shouldn’t be used without explanation in an essay like this.
[NAL6]This sentence is too long. Occasionally I do write a 5 line sentence, but it usually contains some sort of list and even then can be difficult to punctuate properly. When it doubt, it’s best to break it up/.
[NAL7]More important than the names of the courses is what you studied in them. Can you go on to indicate why these courses motivated you to study further?
[NAL8]This is too much space to waste on repeated words and titles. Your reader will presumably have your course record—let them look this up if they want to.
[NAL9]Instead of listing these, I would really rather hear a small amount about which event you studied and what you found.
[NAL10]This is a somewhat unconventional way to refer to these issues. I will revise.
[NAL11]The question is not only whether they need it from a social good standpoint but also whether they are hiring such people or making use of these traits. Do you know about this?
[NAL12]When possible, I prefer to avoid parenthesis.
[NAL13]I’m still a little unclear about exactly what it is you would like to do after receiving the degree. This is not ideal. I really should have a clear picture of it.
[NAL14]Let’s not bring this up again here. You’ve already addressed this.
[NAL15]I would write the name here.