First Draft Worksheet

02.12 The First Draft

First Draft Worksheet

Instructions: Copy and paste the following text into a document or create a document that contains the same information.

Using your essay in response to the unit's writing prompt, complete the following steps to improve your essay.

Introduction

Insert your introductory paragraph. Include any revisions your instructor asked you to make.

During the bombing of Hiroshima, casualty rates among medical personnel were in the range between 80 to 93 percent. Injuries resulting from the bombing often went untreated, and the survivors did not receive health care for some time. The book Hiroshima discusses this issue in great length, specifically why they were not given the necessary aid. The government of Hiroshima played a major role in this. In the novel Hiroshima, the human rights issue of health care affected multiple countries by inducing the development of Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

Idea Development

Write thebody and conclusionof your essayin the space below.

The bombing of Hiroshima clearly created the human rights issue of lack of health care in Japan.

“Of the city’s 298 medical doctors, 270 (90%) became A-bomb victims. Casualty rates among pharmacists, nurses, and other medical professionals ranged between 80% and 93%. Eighteen emergency hospitals and 32 first-aid clinics were destroyed, and most of the workers needed to restore these health facilities were killed or injured. Nearby army medical facilities were also mostly destroyed.” (Atomic Bomb Museum)

The text informs the readers of the high death rates. These deaths were of a variety of people, immigrants, tourists, and Japanese people. Not only are the deaths greater because of the lack of health care during the bombing, the people related to the deceased were affected.

“Of the 70 or so doctors in private practice in the city, twenty were dead and twenty more seriously wounded; only 30 were available to help the mass of A-bomb victims.” (Atomic Bomb Museum)

Bombing victims weren’t provided the necessary medical personnel nor health care aid for recovery. Meaning, most of them died as a result. The moral consequence of the Americans destroying Hiroshima became significantly higher because of this.

The bombing of Hiroshima did affect the United States, and also other countries.

‘Inside the hall, however, there was a consensus that awarding the games to China for 2008 would moderate the country's authoritarian government. Francois Carrard, the IOC's director general at the time, was quoted widely as saying there was "one issue on the table ... and that is human rights."’ (“Human Rights Issues in China during the Olympics”)

This is an example of human rights issues in China during the Olympics. Similar to Japan with Hiroshima, the government, at first, chose to ignore the people and their desire for health care.

“Take the "special zones" set up at the IOC's urging in three parks around the city for protests. None of the 77 applications filed to hold a protest was granted, and two elderly grandmothers — aged 77 and 79 — were given a year of re-education through labor for applying. Their sentences were eventually revoked, but not before Chinese Olympic officials were badgered about it during combative news conferences at the games. Most applicants wanted to protest about labor, health care issues or social services.”(“Human Rights Issues in China during the Olympics”)

Hiroshima’s people and their protesting political parties were a leading example of citizen influence on government. China, when protesting their rights followed this example.

It wasn’t until after the destruction of Hiroshima and its citizens that the nations decided to lay down standards.

“Everyone has the right to a standard of living adequate for the health and well-being of himself and of his family, including food, clothing, and housing and medical care and necessary social services, and the right to security in the event of unemployment, sickness, disability, widowhood, old age or other lack of livelihood in circumstances beyond his control.” (“United Nations Declaration of Human Rights”)

The United Nations Declaration of Human Rights immediately brought about a change to the world as a whole. Not only did they decide it inhuman to keep health care from citizens, but they set out other standards of living.

“Motherhood and childhood are entitled to special care and assistance. All children, whether born in or out of wedlock, shall enjoy the same social protection.” (“United Nations Declaration of Human Rights”)

The children in Hiroshima were neglected just as much as other people- although they could have used more care. Mothers often had miscarriages/deaths due to the effects of radiation. The United Nations Declaration changed this. The deaths in Hiroshima taught the people of the United Nations how they could change the way they do things, the people they provide care to during times of need.

From these examples, we can see that not only did the human rights issues in Hiroshima affect Japan, but other countries as well.

The deaths of medical personnel of 80%-90% coupled with the government neglecting the people’s needs resulted in the creation of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights that is so important to our world’s nations today.

The Universal Declaration of Human Rights is still used today. From its use, we can learn to not repeat the same mistakes- neglecting the health of others without providing them basic rights. How do you think it has personally affected you?

Highlight each paragraph according to the stoplight approach:
Green = Topic sentence
Yellow = Example, reason, detail, or fact
Red = Explanation of example, reason, detail, or fact

Based on your highlighting, what are the areas of your essay that need development?

My explanations of the examples tend to be too short and weak.

Incorporatetwo additionalor different examples tobetter supportthe controlling idea of this essay. Paste the examples below and identify your revisions by underlining.

“Local ability to mobilize health care personnel and restore medical facilities was severely hampered by the overall loss of non-military economic wealth (65 billion yen nationwide). Of this total, Hiroshima (884 million yen) and Nagasaki (380 million yen) together suffered over 2% of the national total.” (Atomic Bomb Museum)

“Chaotic conditions made accurate accounts most difficult. Some victims were vaporized instantly, many survivors were horribly disfigured, and death from radiation was uncertain—it might not claim its victims for days, weeks, months, or even years.” (Atomic Bomb Museum)

Choosetwoexamples andimprove the explanationsof them. Be sure your explanations show how the examples prove the points of their paragraphs. In the space below, paste your paragraphs and identify your explanation revisions by underlining.

The bombing of Hiroshima did affect the United States, and also other countries.

This is an example of human rights issues in China during the Olympics. Similar to Japan with Hiroshima, the government, at first, chose to ignore the people and their desire for health care.This perspective on the value of the people’s well-being was shared between the two countries, giving them common ground that later evolved into protesting by the people. It is not unlikely that the people of China had heard plenty about the protests in Japan through news sources.

Hiroshima’s people and their protesting political parties were a leading example of citizen influence on government. China, when protesting their rights followed this example.The Olympics are not only involved with the other countries, but the widespread news of health care was evident to have reached other citizens and onlookers throughout the Olympics games.

Idea Development

Paste all of yourrevised body paragraphs and conclusionin the space below. Bold the transitions (link to transition list). Remember, transitions are used between examples and between examples and explanations.

The bombing of Hiroshima clearly created the human rights issue of lack of health care in Japan.

“Of the 70 or so doctors in private practice in the city, twenty were dead and twenty more seriously wounded; only 30 were available to help the mass of A-bomb victims.” (Atomic Bomb Museum)

Regarding this, bombing victims weren’t provided the necessary medical personnel nor health care aid for recovery. Meaning, most of them died as a result. The moral consequence of the Americans destroying Hiroshima became significantly higher because of this.

Moreover, while the bombing of Hiroshima did affect the United States, it also affected other countries.

For example: “Take the "special zones" set up at the IOC's urging in three parks around the city for protests. None of the 77 applications filed to hold a protest was granted, and two elderly grandmothers — aged 77 and 79 — were given a year of re-education through labor for applying. Their sentences were eventually revoked, but not before Chinese Olympic officials were badgered about it during combative news conferences at the games. Most applicants wanted to protest about labor, health care issues or social services.”(“Human Rights Issues in China during the Olympics”)

Hiroshima’s people and their protesting political parties were a leading example of citizen influence on government. China, when protesting their rights followed this example. The Olympics are not only involved with the other countries, but the widespread news of health care was evident to have reached other citizens and onlookers throughout the Olympics games.

It wasn’t until after the destruction of Hiroshima and its citizens that the nations decided to lay down standards.

Additionally, “Motherhood and childhood are entitled to special care and assistance. All children, whether born in or out of wedlock, shall enjoy the same social protection.” (“United Nations Declaration of Human Rights”)

From these examples, we can see that not only did the human rights issues in Hiroshima affect Japan, but other countries as well.

Identify what you have done tosynthesize your messagethroughout this essay, especially in your conclusion.

I have included synthesizing word choice: “From these examples, we can see that...” I tied the conclusion in with the main idea, by beginning the introduction with the fact: “During the bombing of Hiroshima, casualty rates among medical personnel were in the range between 80 to 93 percent,” and bringing this up once more in the final paragraph. I brought up the significance of the topic, and how it is still important today: “From its use, we can learn to not repeat the same mistakes- neglecting the health of others without providing them basic rights.”

Include your works cited information below, in MLA format.

"AtomicBombMuseum.org - Destructive Effects." AtomicBombMuseum.org - Destructive Effects. Web. 12 June 2015.

"Did Olympics Improve Human Rights in China?" ESPN.com. Web. 12 June 2015.

"The Universal Declaration of Human Rights, UDHR, Declaration of Human Rights, Human Rights Declaration, Human Rights Charter, The Un and Human Rights." UN News Center. UN. Web. 12 June 2015.