Dan Reflections Transcript

6

Dan Reflections Transcript

1. / C: Actually I’ve been seeking pastoral counseling, and have been talking to my psychiatrist. I just need you to help me set some healthy boundaries.
2. / T: Yeah. So, I appreciate you coming in.
3. / C: Sure
4. / T: What would you like to talk about today?
5. / C: Well I was thinking that I have a behavior with my children that is really eating at me, and what it is, is that I set boundaries and rules for my kids, and because of my guilt of using in my past I don’t stick with it, and so I give in and it’s like a vicious cycle that just keeps going, and I am not teaching them what they need to know to get through life in an appropriate manner, and I am also driving myself crazy at the same time.
6. / T: So the big issue than is keeping boundaries and holding to those boundaries with your kids?
7. / C: Right.
8. / T: Ok, what seems to be the hard part about that?
9. / C: Well, I am not too sure if I am creating healthy boundaries. When I create a boundary they are like “oh come on mom”, and so than the guilt comes back to me of the 27 years that I used, and the guilt comes back from me not having a family myself as I grew up, and not knowing if I am doing things right, and so I give in and they don’t learn anything.
10. / T: So, it’s hard to know when to stay firm, and the guilt just complicates it all.
11. / C: It does tremendously.
12. / T: And it’s hard to know how to respond?
13. / C: Well I respond really wrong. Many times I have cursed at my children, and many times I have yelled at them, and yesterday I saw it in my kids face that I am making him feel bad about himself, and I can’t keep doing that.
14. / T: Yeah.
15. / C: I need to change the behaviors, because if I want his life to be any different than mine than I have got to start making changes or it’s not going to happen.
16. / T: Ok. So, on one hand you don’t want to be so firm that you are hurting your children, and on the other hand you don’t want to be pushed over, because you feel guilty and you don’t want to make them upset.
17. / C: Right now I am a total push over, and they know that all they have to do is sweet talk me, or be nice, and I give in, so I take away their phones and 30-40 minutes later when they are begging me to text their girlfriends, I give it back to them. Telling them no T.V., and 3 hours later they are sitting in front of the T.V. watching T.V. and I need to find out some healthy consequences for some healthy boundaries and stick to them.
18. / T: Ok, healthy consequences for healthy boundaries.
19. / C: Right and I am not too sure what healthy boundaries are, or what healthy consequences are.
20. / T: Yeah, it’s hard to know exactly where to draw that line.
21. / C: Yeah, and so the guilt doesn’t overwhelm me, and sending them mixed messages, I am not helping them or myself.
22. / T: Well, it sounds like you thought a lot about this, what do you know already about setting boundaries, and having consequences?
23. / C: Well, I know that if I tell them that they need to get something signed by their teachers, by the weekend they are not missing assignments, that if they do not get those signed, that should rely on them, but instead of letting that rely on them, they turn it back around somehow, and they are like “oh well this is why I didn’t do that, and come on mom”, and it’s not helping either one of use, because my son is getting behind on his homework. I mean my straight A student last year just brought me home a mid-term grade of 1.4, and I know that has a lot to do with the recent break-up in my life, and some promises that were broken to him by my other partner, and his dad is continually doing this, and the guilt overwhelms me, and I let this other factors come in to my judgment of what I am doing, and it completely clouds my head, and so than I am confused of where we started. I forgot why I got mad at him, and why I took anything away, and the guilt overwhelms me, and I am giving it back, and I am not teaching him anything.
24. / T: You know when you started talking just now, right at first when I asked you the question, you said “you know it would be holding them accountable, and letting them be responsible for themselves”, and then you did a really great job at showing how it gets difficult, because life is complicated, right?
25. / C: Right.
26. / T: And when you start to feel guilty, and they start to turn it back around on you, sounds like that is a difficult thing to learn how to handle?
27. / C: I didn’t have any parents at my son’s age, like I told you before, I was already out in the world doing things I shouldn’t have been doing. I didn’t have a family. I didn’t have any parents since the age of twelve. So, I had other responsibilities, and so I find myself nagging at my kids saying “you’ve got to do this”, and you know what, they don’t have to do anything. They got to be born, die, and pay taxes, and sometimes they don’t even have to do that if they are doing things inappropriately, you know? So, I got to stop using “you got to do anything”, and I’ve to start using the “I” statements, that’s one thing I got to start doing. I need to stop making them feel guilty for my guilt.
28. / T: Ok, so you could use clearer statements as a way of telling them what your expectations are of them.
29. / C: Right, but when I tell them my expectations, and sticking to the consequences that I laid before them, and not giving in. A clear example of that was this morning, and yesterday morning. I got my kids up early, about 6 o’ clock, and that way if they have any homework, or want to eat breakfast, they have plenty of time to get up, take a shower, eat their breakfast, and do their homework before they leave the house. For the past few weeks, I came across this epiphany that I need to start taking care of myself better, and so I was upstairs getting ready and didn’t notice the time, and so when I came downstairs at 8:03, or 8:02, they still weren’t ready, and so they started “oh well you weren’t down here, it’s your fault”, and so I felt that guilt overwhelm me again, and didn’t stick to the fact that I told them if they weren’t ready to go when I was ready to walk out the door, that I was going to leave them, so I still waited for them, and we were all late. You know? It’s sticking to that “if you’re not ready than your taking the bus to school, and letting that happen, and I feel like I am doing something wrong, when I am not doing anything wrong. I have given them 2 hours to get ready and clearly stated that this was going to happen if you’re not here and ready by 7:50, and I come down to leave, than your going to get left, and have to take the bus to school, and not one time have I been able to do it, and its happened at least 20 times in the past month, and then I blame them and they blame me, and it’s like this vicious cycle.
30. / T: So, it’s hard to hold to your guns here.
31. / C: I don’t know how to do that.
32. / T: And, at the same time you have a pretty good understand of what you would want things to look like, and it sounds like a challenge, because on one hand, you haven’t had a great example of this, you never got to see this when you were a kid.
33. / C: Well not first hand, but there have been plenty of examples in class and stuff. Through the things I have studied and I am learning. I clearly know what healthy things are, I just am not sure if I am doing it appropriate way. I feel like I am a failure, kind of.
34. / T: So, you’re wondering if you’re doing it right, and I see you have a lot of strengths here, because you’ve had to do things on your own at a young age, and you’ve found ways of getting things done right? You’ve managed well on your own, and you’re in this place now where you would really like to get a little bit of feedback, right?
35. / C: Yeah, I guess so.
36. / T: I like that you said you haven’t had any direct examples, but you’ve had examples in class, and talking to other people who’ve struggled with the same thing, right?
37. / C: Yeah, and I have had many epiphanies this morning talking to my psychiatrist, and I had one of these epiphanies that that is why I do so good in school. That is one of the reasons why I come to school, and don’t miss class, no matter what. There is nothing that comes in between class, when I have class, I go to class. When I have tests, or when studying, I do what I need to do. I get that recognition, right now my GPA shows that I get letters of recommendation, and I get things that I need to succeed in college. Ok, and somehow, because I didn’t have this stable family life as young person their age, I didn’t know what healthy family things are, and so I look sometimes for them at least to appreciate something, and so then it becomes this vicious guilty thing over and over. My pastor was telling me, one more example is I tell them they have to surrender the phone at 10:00, and I was supposed to ask for it, and at 10:15 I realized that I didn’t ask for the phone, and I asked for it, and noticed there was a text message at 10:05, and I got upset with him, and told him he lost the phone for a day. My pastor said I was setting him up for failure, because he was expecting me to ask for it, and so he was like “ok I have to wait for mom to asks for it”, and there was no clear cut thing, like I do now, and which I made. At 9:00 the phone goes right here, whether I am awake, asleep, and away or whatever, the phone goes right here, and now it is on them, it is their responsibility to do that, if they do not do that, they lose the phone. I can do that one, that is one thing that I have stuck to my guns for the past two days.
38. / T: Ok, and I think you need to do that, just say “hey, I need the phone at this time”. I think that would solve that problem if you just told them directly.
39. / C: Right, but it’s not that really clear cut when it comes to children, I don’t know, but that is the rule I made, and I have stuck to it for two days. I still use the “take it away and give it back, take it away and give it back” for bad behaviors, and I know it’s not appropriate, I know it’s not, and I do not know what appropriate is.
40. / T: Yeah, well some people they set a schedule for the children and adults that say “these are the times to use the phone, these are the times you can’t, these are the times we are leaving, and you’re responsible for yourself”. That’s another idea.
41. / C: Right, that’s what crossed my mind this morning, I’m going to talk to them later on tonight and say look “I am going to wake you up at this time, and I am no longer going to spend 20-30 minutes waking you up. I go and make breakfast, and then I go and wake you up again. You know, I can’t do it because than I get very anxious and aggravated, and so it starts all of our mornings off wrong and it is driving me crazy. Versus saying “well I am going to wake you up at this time. If you don’t get up and eat breakfast or get ready, and it is time for me to leave, guess what, if you’re not at the door, I am leaving you, and sticking to that, because I am like “oh I didn’t do this”, or I start going over the things I didn’t do right, or not supposed to do as a parent, and I am not sure what the things I am supposed to do are, or what they are responsible for, and that’s not clearly cut to me.
42. / T: And there is no rule book, right?
43. / C: I wish there was.
44. / T: And it really sounds like you’re doing a lot, and putting in a lot of effort, and caring for these guys.
45. / C: Well I love my kids a lot, and I am not doing the healthy things in life, I’ve got to change that, because I am the only one responsible for them.
46. / T: So, you know these are changes you can make, and changes that you want, for yourself and you boys.
47. / C: Definitely.
48. / T: Sounds like you’ve got some really good ideas of what you can do to start to put things on a different path
49. / C: Yeah, I’ve kind of got some good ideas, but on the back of my mind I am like “are these really good ideas, or are these not healthy ideas. I wish there was rule book that said “for this behavior, this is what you do, and for this behavior this is what you do”. I am learning, slowly but surely. I wish I would have done this when they were born. I wish I wouldn’t do the things that I am doing today with my kids. It’s the same thing my parents did, and at 12 years old, I ran away, and my kids 14 and he is at that breaking point right now.
50. / T: So you’re really worried that your son may say, “I don’t want to do this and run away”.
51. / C: I am worried that he will do what I did and run away. I was a straight A student, and I quite school in the 11th grade, because one of my teachers failed me for attendance. I have had straight A’s since kindergarten, and I could of went to any college I wanted to, and could have done anything with my life instead, I chose to use, and screwed up my whole life, and I don’t want to see my kid doing that. An example is last term; I took my kid into the counselor’s office and I said to her, “I don’t know what to do here”, and I explained to her what I am explaining to you now. He started telling her “she is always on my ass, and she really needs to get off of my but, and if she would just leave me alone, I would do it, I am just not doing it to be defiant”. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and did what she told me to do, and I laid off of him for the rest of the month. She said “give him enough rope and see if he hangs himself”. Well he climbed up on the chair, and wrapped the rope around his neck and jumped, so then I was down there trying to hold his feet to not let him get hung, and no matter what, he still hung himself, because he now has a 1.4 GPA, and can no longer play sports.
52. / T: So, he didn’t really know how academically to handle things on his own.
53. / C: Right.
54. / T: So, you’re looking at it as he still needs some training wheels before he goes on his own.