Balls to the Wall: The Brutally Subtle Art of Zuma Squash – The Keys to Delay and Deception
Some years back I wrotean article,where I wondered, “If our politicians played squash, what sort of players they wouldbe?” Amongst my wonderings, the following dribbled forth…
“Madiba- Tall, imposing and dignified. I doubt if he would have been the quickest guy around, but using his height, his reach, and his gentle charismatic human touch, he would have been one of those who is very difficult to move out of position. His, would have been a teasing game, of skillfully maneuvering opponents around. Win, or lose, he would shake you by the hand, look you in the eye, and smile that magnificent smile
Fikile Mbalula: Our then intrepid Minister of Sport and now ex-Minister of Police? Just imagine if he was a Squash Fanatic! What magnificent End of the Year Functions, we would have, and maybe he would bring a whole harem of leading Egyptian playersto our country. The Honourable(how ironic is the use of that word in Parliament) Minister, blustery and flamboyant, would probably be one of those Loud-and-Proud pre-match players, dazzling in his possibly-Gupta sponsored kit. But when it came to action, I fear those words would dribble into pools of blubbery sweat.
Julius Malema. How good would it be to have Julius, huffing, puffing,and EFFing around our courts? Without doubt, he would not be short of opponents, lining up to play him, and blast him up the behind with a burningblack rubbery bullet, singing the Squash Players’ version of “Mashini wam”
And then we came to…
Jacob Zuma: Somewhere in the Nkandla malaise, there must be aShowcase Match Court with en-suite shower, waiting to be exposed. I doubt that our (now ex-) President would be much of a zoom-zoom on court. More than likely, a barging-bumping type of player, tryingto play as others tell him to. Whether he would read the script correctly, is questionable. And don’t let him keep the score.”
I was wrong. Partially, anyway.
I mis-read the man/player. Yes, he is a barging and bumping. Yes, he is slow and lumbering. But he is a schemer. Hemanipulates. There is more to his game than meets the eye. While his technique is poor, and he never follows the rule book, heis street-wise and wily. He develops intricate little game plans for every match. He never allows you to develop any momentum, and most importantly…. When you think you have him in the corner, down-and-out, hesomehow wriggles out of trouble. He flicks a “stay-out-of-jail” return-card at you and survives. He he he he he he.
But where he is brilliant, is in the brutally subtle art of Delay, and Deception. Two under-stated skills in squash that one only develops after years of experience. Zuma, has seemingly, almost perfected these skills. His decisions are held until the 59th minute of the 11th hour. And when you think he is going to play one shot, he plays another.
Jacob also never allows you to develop any momentum. Even between rallies, he will use every trick he knows to slow you down. From the sweaty hand, to the undone shoelace. The pleading request for a let, to an angry outburst about blind and foolish cheats…even worse the copper coins wrapped into a handkerchief and released in a nose-blow at game point down!!
Ideally in squash, we want to be taking the ball as early as possible. We want to be on the tee, sharp and alert,looking to volley, and control. Where possible, we should be taking the ball before it gets to the back wall. We need to be decisive and incisive.
Jacob falls way short of this target.
When our opponent has played a weak shot, we sometimes need to delay. We need to play the ball as late as possibly possible. We must still get to the ball early, but then we need to stand, racquet prepared, and steal time. We need to create a bubble of space around us. Standing… holding…Taking space away from the opponent and forcing him away from the tee. This, in turn opens the court for yourself for an easier shot. Now, it becomes relatively easy to show a drive, but decelerate into a drop shot. Or, the reverse. Or the reverse angle.
Delay can also be used in the back corners. Far too often, we see Nth Leaguers rushing their shots in those back corners. The ball will invariably come out of the corner or off the wall, and if your racquet is prepared, you can still make your opponent play at least one more shot.
The key to successful delaying tactics is good racquet preparation. With the same racquet preparation,we need to show our opponent everything…and nothing. We can decelerate the racquet and stroke the ball in short, or we can accelerate our racquet, hit through the ball and push it deep into those nether areas, behind your opponent.
But be warned. Only specialists, like Jacob, should be playing with these delay-and-deceive fires. We need to play around with deception and delay on the practice court and in friendly matches. Done badly, it can drop us into big trouble. Too often, we are so well positioned, and we have so many choices, we confuse ourselves. We make a half choice, and play an even weaker shot than that which we were trying to punish. Many times, we try to be too deceptive, and fool ourselves. Even more dangerously, because we have become reasonably successful at this game, we forget about the basics. We forget about our foundation of good length,and taking the ball early. We fall into the trap of using delay, and deception too often.
And we fall upon our own sword. Just like Jacob.
Patience. Now that is another Squash Skill that we all need to take on board. And incisive, decisive decisions. Cyril’s book could be a Winner.