WHY DO MEN COME TO MOVE?
A man may call MOVE after a crisis in his relationship when he may begin to realize he needs help with his violence or emotional abuse. In some cases, his partner has left, threatened to leave or obtained a restraining order against him. In other cases, the man may have been required to attend MOVE by the court or the Department of Children & Families. Sometimes other family members, friends or counselors encourage a man to call for help.
CAN HE REALLY CHANGE?
Yes, but progress will depend on his accepting responsibility for his problem. He will have to work hard on his behavior and his thinking for a long time, without expecting rewards or support from you. Change does not occur overnight, if it occurs at all. Many men drop out along the way. Our program is just a beginning step for a man interested in stopping his violent or abusive behavior. Long term improvement in behavior is more likely for a man who completes the basic program and makes a commitment to continue the work, either in our follow-up group or with an individual counselor. However, even those efforts provide no guarantee; some men continue to be violent and/or controlling even after counseling.
IF HE’S SORRY, WILL HE CHANGE?
It is common for a man to be apologetic after being abusive. But this doesn’t mean he’ll stop being violent. In fact, many abusive men have a repeating cycle: first there’s a stage of escalating tension, then an incident of violence, and then a period of regret and attempts to make up. He may use the apologies and promises to get you to take him back, to drop a restraining order, to drop criminal charges or to testify on his behalf. Unfortunately, this remorseful stage is typically only temporary and usually does not lead to any lasting changes.
SUPPORT AND OPTIONS FOR WOMEN
You deserve your own support while your partner is in his group. It is common for a woman who has been abused and criticized by her partner to feel isolated, depressed or even crazy; these are often the effects of the abuse. If you are having these feelings, it may be helpful to receive support from someone who understands what it is like to live with abuse and who will not judge you for your choices.
The MOVE Program also offers a free weekly support group for women partners. This group provides a safe and supportive space for women to talk about the impact the abuse has had on their lives. It helps women evaluate the progress their partners are making in the program. We can also make referrals to individual counselors and other support groups.
In addition to our Partner Services, support is also available at your local domestic violence program. Check the list on the back cover for the program nearest to you. You can talk with someone over the phone or in person. These programs can provide legal advocacy, support groups or help with housing; they may also provide emergency shelter for you and your children, at a secret location. All services at domestic violence programs are confidential.
If you feel that you will be safer away from your partner while he is in our program, you have every right to leave. Even if you leave, you must understand that his participation in the program is not a guarantee that he will not be a threat to you. The risk that he may be violent toward you can even increase when you leave. For your own safety and the safety of your children, watch for the following warning signs in his behavior towards you:
He tries to find you if you’ve left. He may try to get information from your family and friends about your whereabouts, either by threatening them or trying to get their sympathy.
He tries to get you to come back to him. He may do anything to get you back—if promising to change and being charming or contrite don’t work, his efforts could then escalate to threats and violence.
He tries to take away the children. He may try to gain custody or kidnap the children as a way of forcing you to stay with him.
He stalks you. If you always seem to run into him when you are on your way to work, running errands or out with friends, or if you receive a lot of mysterious phone calls, he could be stalking you.
If you have been abused but do not want to leave your home, you can obtain a restraining order that will require your partner to stay away from your house or apartment, even if it belongs to him or the lease is in his name. Call your local domestic violence program or police department to learn how to obtain a restraining order (also called a “209A”). You can also obtain a restraining order that requires him to refrain from abuse whether or not you are living together.
It is advisable to find out about all of your options regardless of whether you intend to use them at this time. It's always best to have a plan in the event of an emergency. We hope you will reach out to us, your local women’s domestic violence program and other people in your life for support and information.
lMOVEl
A Program of
Moving Forward
Helping men and women develop healthy
abuse-free relationships
______
Domestic Violence Services
Amherst:
Every Woman’s Center (413) 545-0800
North Quabbin:
NELCWIT (888) 249-0806
Greenfield:
NELCWIT (413)772-0806 (Hotline & TTY)
Holyoke:
Womanshelter/Compañeras (413) 536-1628 or (877) 536-1628
Northampton:
Safe Passage (413)586-5066 or (888) 345-5282
Palmer/Ware:
Womanshelter/Compañeras (413) 284-1628 or (877) 536-1628
Berkshire County:
Elizabeth Freeman Center (866) 401-2425
Springfield/Westfield:
ARCH (413) 733-7100 or (800) 796-8711
Llamanos:
Linea emergencia en español:
Lunes-Viernes, 12-5 p.m.
(800) 223-5001 or (800) 688-4889 (TTY)
(Spanish hotline, Monday-Friday, 12-5 p.m.)
LGBTQ services:
Gay Men’s Domestic Violence (800) 832-1901
The Network/La Red Hotline/ Linea de crisis 617-742-4911
TTY 617-227-4911
Move
Partner Services
“IS HE REALLY GOING TO CHANGE?”
A guide for partners of participants in
MOVE
A Program of
The Moving Forward Program
Certified Batterers’ Intervention Groups and Anger Management since 1989
Helping men and women develop healthy abuse-free relationships
If you hear your partner making statements like these while he is on our program, you should understand that he is lying to himself—and to you.
· “I’m not the only one who is abusive in this relationship.”
· “I’m not as bad as the other guys in there.”
· “If I weren’t under so much stress, I wouldn’t be abusive.”
· “As soon as I’m done with this program, I’ll be cured.”
· “We need to stay together to work this out.”
· “Now that I’m in this program, you have to be more understanding.”
These statements have one thing in common: they let him off the hook for his abusive behavior. Remember, he needs to be willing to accept responsibility for his abuse in order to change. You may be so hopeful for change that you want to believe him, even if things don’t feel any different. But trust your instincts. If you don’t feel safe, then chances are you’re not.
Sorting out whether or not your partner continues to be abusive can be confusing. Some men stop their physically abusive behaviors but either maintain or increase their emotionally abusive behaviors. Some men make genuine improvements while others just learn more sophisticated and subtle ways of maintaining control. Talking about his behaviors with a domestic violence specialist can be very helpful in determining his progress or lack of it. Our Partner Support Counselor at the MOVE Program can help you assess your particular situation.
WHAT IS MY ROLE WHILE MY PARTNER IS IN MOVE?
The MOVE Program offers comprehensive support for women partners. All services are free and provided by women counselors with extensive experience in domestic abuse. We maintain regular phone contact with partners and offer a weekly support group. You are free to decide how much involvement you want with the Partner Services, if at all.
The MOVE Partner Support Counselor will call you to assess how we can support you and your children and to learn more about your experiences in the relationship. We contact you as soon as possible after your partner starts his group, and then check in with you throughout the 40 week program. All information you provide is completely confidential and will not be shared with your partner. In addition to our calls to you, you are also free to contact us anytime with any questions or concerns.
The information he shares with us is also confidential, unless we believe there is an immediate risk to you or your family.
All men who attend our program are informed about our partner contact procedures. Our expectation is that they will not interfere with this contact in any way by trying to influence what you say or by asking you questions about it afterwards. Although we recognize that your partner may at first feel nervous about our contact with you, we strongly believe that a man who is committed to ending his violence and abuse will come to appreciate his partner receiving support.
IS HE VIOLENT BECAUSE HE DRINKS?
Contrary to popular beliefs, alcohol or drugs do not cause a man to be abusive. If he is violent and also abuses substances, then he has two problems for which he needs help. Although the battering and the substance abuse are two separate problems, it is true that a man who is abusive while under the influence of alcohol or drugs can be particularly dangerous. And he will have to stop abusing substances in order to make any meaningful progress overcoming violence.
SHOULD WE TRY COUPLES COUNSELING?
No. Abuse is a problem in the abuser, not in the relationship. Couples counseling allows him to stay focused on his criticisms of you, instead of dealing with his own behavior. He could pressure you to give up certain things important to you in return for his giving up his violence. He might even retaliate against you verbally or physically for what you say to the counselor. And, many well-intentioned but inexperienced counselors may reinforce the idea that you have some responsibility for his violence.
The best early treatment for a man who is abusive occurs in a group setting where ending violence is the primary focus of the group. Couples counseling may be helpful at a later stage, but only after a sustained period of time where he has not been engaging in acts of violence or intimidation.
WHAT DO THEY DO IN THOSE GROUPS?
The MOVE groups meet for 40 weeks. There are one or two counselors depending on the size of the group and no more than 14 men in each group. In our experience, 40 weeks is the minimum amount of time needed to begin to make lasting changes, so we require a commitment for the entire length of the program. Any man who participates for less time than that is a cause for concern.
Meetings involve presentations and group discussions on issues related to abuse and control. Each man gets an opportunity to talk about his problems with violence or abuse and receives feedback from the group. Meetings focus on a variety of topics, including: identifying abusive behaviors and the warning signs leading up to them, recognizing the effects of violence on family members, developing respect and empathy for their partners and children, and thinking about how their socialization as men contributes to their need to abuse and control others.
We offer take-home exercises and teach skills designed to help men be aware of and change their abusive behaviors. We also believe that our initial program is only a beginning step in the very difficult work of ending abuse, so we offer on-going follow up groups for men who wish to continue to get support and help for being violence free.
WHAT DOES THE MOVE PROGRAM TEACH?
1. Education on the Nature of Domestic Violence
Many men who batter do not understand that abuse includes not only physical violence, but also emotional, sexual and verbal assaults; destroying property; stalking and other controlling behaviors that can terrify or intimidate women and children. Men need to learn that there is no excuse for any abuse.
2. Strategies for Stopping Abusive Behavior
Group members are taught specific skills to help them identify when they are at risk for acting abusively and to interrupt their patterns of escalation into violence. These tools, such as “time outs”, have been used successfully to de-escalate potentially violent situations. Each man is expected to practice these tools regularly as a way to demonstrate his commitment to ending his abuse.
3. Changing attitudes and beliefs
Men who are abusive have developed a number of beliefs and attitudes that lead to violence such as: “men are superior,” “women are possessions of men” and “aggression is an acceptable way to resolve conflicts.” Our program works to establish new, non-aggressive attitudes such as: “ women are worthy of respect,” “violent behavior is the abuser’s responsibility,” and “there are ways to express emotion effectively without being violent.”