When Children Become Angry by Shana Schutte

When Children Become Angry by Shana Schutte -- (published by Focus on the Family)

Have you ever wished that your kids came with an instruction manual? Wouldn't it be nice if, at birth, they came with a slip of paper telling you how to do everything, from change their diaper to change their attitude? This "instruction manual" could tell you how to get them to eat green beans, how to tell if a friend is a bad influence, how to give them the drive and determination to succeed and what to do when they get angry.

From babies to adolescents to teens and into adulthood all of us get angry sometimes. But this can be hard for a parent, and sometimes you might not know what to do. While we can't give you all the answers to deal with your angry kids (because there are as many reasons for anger as there are solutions), we can provide encouragement, and help you make some initial steps toward understanding that can lead to hope and healing.

I Need, I Want: Infant and Toddler Anger

Anger can be a normal, and necessary part of your child's development. He's trying to express needs, trying to control his environment, and trying to become independent. He's also trying your nerves!

Several years ago, one of my girlfriends asked if I would watch her two-month old son, Josiah, while she had a short date with her husband. I happily consented. She assured me, "I'll be back in time to feed the baby." I nodded and settled in to rock her sweet bundle.

Josiah and I had a great time together until the clock ticked past feeding time. Unfortunately, I wasn't equipped to meet the need, so there was absolutely nothing I could do. Instead I gently whispered, "Oh baby, it's going to be okay. You're hungry, huh? Your momma will be home soon." Of course, even my best attempts at consolation weren't enough because Josiah wanted food, not verbal encouragement.

At first, his cries started out as whimpers that rose from his throat. By the time his mother arrived a short time later, his angry screams originated from somewhere down inside his toes.

Because Josiah, like every infant, was very sensitive to unmet needs, his distress escalated quickly and he responded the way God designed — with strong emotion.

Infants become angry to express needs

In his book, When Kids Are Mad, Not Bad, Henry A. Paul , M.D. describes the kind of anger that Josiah exhibited as developmental anger — anger that aids infants in getting their basic needs met.

Can you imagine what would happen if Josiah couldn’t cry, scream, or become angry? Naturally, his mom would never know when to change his diaper, feed him, or put him to sleep. Anger is critical to help babies communicate with the world.

If your infant expresses developmental anger, remember it's normal and that you shouldn't take it personally. Of course, sometimes you might feel like pulling your hair out, but the best thing to do is remain calm, take a deep breath and ask yourself if your baby is hungry, uncomfortable, too hot or cold, over stimulated, feeling isolated, experiencing an upset stomach or dirty diaper or if he just needs to be held.

There are times when I'm exhausted and get cranky, too. No one knows when this happens, because as an adult, I’ve developed the ability to master my moods. Underneath, however, I may be screaming, "I’m mad right now!" It's no different from infants, only they haven't developed the necessary skills to monitor how they feel or understand their responses. That's why when they want something, there's no question about it.

If you're frustrated, take heart! Your infant's anger is a tool to help him learn to master his environment. From the time he's an infant, you’ll need a positive attitude because he’ll experience anger when he's a toddler too.

Anger in toddlers can also be developmental

After Joshua turned two, I wonder how many times his mother picked up toys he repeatedly threw on the ground, listened to him tell her “No!” and watched him throw temper tantrums? If you're the parent of a toddler, you can probably relate.

From 18 months to four years it's normal for a child to begin to exert his independence so there will be times when he gets angry.

Think back to the last time you really wanted to do something and someone said that you couldn't. Did you get angry? Imagine how a toddler must feel when he is curious about many things, wants to test drive the world, thinks he can, but is told he can't. He sees you, his sister and the family dog doing what he wants to do and yet he is told "no." Add his limited verbal communication skills to the mix, and you've got a recipe for frustration.

During college, I watched a video in my psychology class which showed that a toddler can understand hundreds of words before she can speak. Can you imagine living on a planet in which you can understand numerous words and gestures and yet you can’t verbally respond?

Rather than seeing your toddler's anger as negative, or taking it personally, you can view it as a sign of growth. In his book, Dr.Paul also writes:

"Parents often feel consternation about their child's anger. They think they have to solve the child's problem immediately, if not sooner. This kind of unrealistic demand on oneself can cause a parent to panic when confronted with an angry child and to become very angry at oneself as well. He feels the child’s anger is his failure."

Again, remember that it isn't your fault and it's normal. It's a part of your child learning to master his world. So what can you do to help your toddler manage her angry outbursts?

Always be prepared

During elementary school teacher training I learned that the best defense against discipline problems is preparation. It's the same way with lessening your toddler's outbursts.

Create an environment to support your child's curiosity and energy level. This means running outside, visiting a nearby jungle-gym, keeping toddler toys available, as well as toys for travel, providing a "quiet bag" with crayons, snacks or his favorite cuddly toy. Most of all, be an engaged, not lazy, parent. This means that when he wants to go outside to the sandbox, go with him. Otherwise, you're asking for disaster.

Okay, so what if you are always prepared and your child still becomes angry? What steps should you take?

Remove your child from immediate physical danger

Naturally, if your child is throwing a tantrum and he is in physical danger or going to hurt someone else, you might need to exert physical control and remove him to a new environment. The younger he is, the more you may need to intervene.

Take a time-out

Create a place for your child to take a time out. Rather than leave him, (unless he is mad at you and needs time away from you) stay with him while he is cooling off. While you stay with him, he'll get the message that you are being supportive, you’re not going to leave and that his anger doesn't intimidate you. He'll also learn that there are other more appropriate ways to manage his anger.

Try to discover your child's angry emotions

If your child isn't talking yet, it may take a little detective work for you to understand why he is angry. Begin by observing his environment and reviewing what you know about his personality and small children that may have pushed his "angry button."

Pray

Finally, and most importantly, pray for your child. As you pray, you'll develop the heart of compassion that you need if you feel like you’re at the end of your rope.

Uncovering the Pain Behind Your Child's Anger -- Learn how to recognize the reasons for anger, and whether it's appropriate or not.

As an elementary public school teacher, I was appalled when one of my first grade students stood on a chair, threw his arms up and screamed, "I hate you!" followed by numerous expletives describing his feelings about me. Because I'd been a compliant child, I didn't understand why so many of my students were angry and I didn't know what to do.

Perhaps you're at the end of your rope like I was. Not because you're a teacher with angry students, but because the sweet baby you birthed is now an irritated four-to-seven year old who is pitching fits, screaming, yelling and throwing things.

You're not alone.

Parents everywhere are wringing their hands in desperation because one — or more — of their elementary-aged children are out of control with anger.

Many people believe that kids are like little rubber people — trouble bounces off and nothing bothers them long term. However, anger is a sign that children feel deeply and are not as resilient as we might think. Why? Because anger is a response to pain. It's like a blinking light on the dashboard of your car that tells you something is wrong under the hood. For this reason, wise parents will not ignore or minimize their child's anger.

That said, what can you do to help your child manage his anger and develop into a healthy adult the way God desires? Here are some suggestions:

To begin, try to pinpoint why your child is angry

When children visit Karen L. Maudlin, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist, to learn how to manage anger, she begins by identifying any biological causes behind the anger, such as allergies, learning disabilities or developmental disorders.

One boy who visited Dr. Maudlin was restless, unfocused in class and often irritable. Because the boy's outbursts only occurred in the spring months and not during winter, Dr. Maudlin suggested allergy testing. Sure enough, he had severe reactions to mold, pollen, ragweed and grass. After he received allergy treatment, his moods returned to normal. No wonder he was angry. Many adults feel that way when they're sick too.

Begin by asking yourself if there are biological factors that could be contributing to your child's anger. For additional help, visit a physician and your school's diagnostician.

After you've ruled out biological factors, move on to other life stressors

I recently heard on the radio that one woman's fourth grader is learning algebra at school. She was shocked. So was I. I wasn’t learning math like that until 7th grade.

As life stressors, including job expectations, have increased for adults, school performance for kids has, too. If a child is expected to perform beyond his capabilities, either in school or at home, he can become angry. Kids can also become angry due to other life stressors such as moving, divorce or losing a loved one, including a family pet or a close friend.

When Joshua, one of my third grade students, started arguing and fighting with classmates, I was surprised because he'd always been exceptionally courteous. The afternoon he stole several pocketfuls of crayons from my classroom and clogged up the school plumbing by flushing them down the toilet, I knew something was seriously wrong. One day, his father visited after school and explained, "Joshua's mother and I are getting a divorce." A light went on. Of course! No wonder he's angry. He's hurting.

To identify life stressors, ask yourself when your child seems to exhibit anger. Is it during playtime? After he wakes up? When confronted with a particular person? During a particular time of day? Or since a specific family event took place?

Once you've identified why your child is becoming angry, there are several other things to keep in mind.

Don't try to keep your child from getting angry

Anger is a natural human emotion, but many Christians are under the false belief that anger is wrong. However, God never told us not to become angry — He said to be angry and not sin (Ephesians 4:26). This Scripture shows that God knows we'll get angry because sometimes life hurts. Therefore, the best thing you can do is to let your child know it's okay to get mad.

Telling a child she is not allowed to become angry will create an emotionally unhealthy adult who suffers from guilt and who does not know how to accept her feelings, or how to work through what's hurt her.

However, just because it's okay to get angry, it's not okay to handle anger inappropriately, and your child needs to know that.

Help your child find alternative ways to handle anger

One of my students who hurt others in moments of rage was given strict boundaries for handling his anger. He was disciplined when he acted inappropriately, but was also taught through counseling how to put himself in time-out when he felt himself getting mad. At these times, he would come to me and say, "Miss Schutte, I'm getting angry. Can I go out into the hallway until I cool off?" Once he felt he was ready, he came back into class calmed down. Sometimes he chose to speak with me about what bothered him.

There are other, healthy ways to deal with anger. One woman I know has placed a punching bag and soft toys in a room for her son to hit. This has proven effective for him to manage his frustrations. Of course, his mother also makes time to talk and pray with him about what he feels without shaming him.