1
SCENE 8
MAYOR: Well that’s a minor irritation.
IRMA enters from newspaper DR door.
IRMA: Emma.
MAYOR: Irma.
IRMA: I want to talk to you about the impeachment.
MAYOR: I’m not worried.
IRMA: I signed the petition.
MAYOR: You signed it.
IRMA: I don’t know what came over me.
MAYOR: You are my sister.
IRMA: They are going to let me sing. Singing is my life.
MAYOR: The movies are silent.
IRMA: You’ve always been a dream killer. You’re just jealous of my talent.
MAYOR: Blood is thicker than fame.
IRMA: Is it? Come on girlie-girl you get everything.
MAYOR: You got Skeeter.
IRMA: Thanks. You’re married.
MAYOR: To a playwright.
IRMA: Sorry.
They fold their arms and face forward.
IRMA: You stole the hat thing.
MAYOR: I have always worn hats.
IRMA: Mama put me in a hat first.
MAYOR: You admit you are older?
IRMA: That is not what I said.
MAYOR: Memory is the second thing to go.
IRMA: What’s the first?
MAYOR: Talent.
They turn and stare at each other.
IRMA: I can stand here all day.
MAYOR: Are you givin’ me the face?
IRMA: Better than the one you got.
SOUND: Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better
MAYOR:
Anything you can do,
I can do better.
I can do anything
Better than you.
IRMA:
No, you can't.
MAYOR:
Yes, I can.
IRMA:
No, you can't.
MAYOR:
Yes, I can.
IRMA:
No, you can't.
MAYOR:
Yes, I can,
Yes, I can!
IRMA:
Anything you can be
I can be greater.
Sooner or later,
I'm greater than you.
MAYOR:
No, you're not.
IRMA:
Yes, I am.
MAYOR:
No, you're not.
IRMA:
Yes, I am.
MAYOR:
No, you're NOT!
IRMA:
Yes, I am.
Yes, I am!
MAYOR:
I can shoot a partridge
With a single cartridge.
IRMA:
I can get a sparrow
With a bow and arrow.
MAYOR:
I can live on bread and cheese.
IRMA:
And only on that?
MAYOR:
Yes.
IRMA:
So can a rat!
MAYOR:
Any note you can sing
I can sing higher
I can sing anything
Higher than you.
IRMA:
No, you can't.
MAYOR: (speaking)
Yes, I can.
IRMA:
No, you can't.
MAYOR: (singing high)
Yes, I can.
SOUND: Music stops.
IRMA: Ok, you get that one. (pause) But the hat thing is mine.
MAYOR: Why are you talking to me?
IRMA: I’m trying to…
MAYOR: Apologize?
IRMA: I wouldn’t go that far. Skeeter!
IRMA exits HALL.
MAYOR: She’s not bad… for a sister.
MAX: (voice) Ouch. I said you could sing!
MAX hobbles in HALL favoring his left foot.
MAX: Your sister stepped on my foot.
MAYOR: (sternly) What can I do for you Leroy?
MAX: It’s… never mind. About this petition…
MAYOR: No matter what, you are not from here.
MAX: Well…
MAYOR: I signed your contract. Look at it closely. The contract is with me.
MAX: Of course business is business…
MAYOR: In politics, absurdity is not a handicap.
MAX: Napoleon?
MAYOR: Be careful whose feet you step on.
MAX: Nice hat.
MAYOR exits center.
ZUG,TATYANA,TURNER, HERBERT, CRYSTAL, SKEETER and ANDY enter HALL.
ANDY: We are ready to shoot Vampire in the Desert.
MAX: Good to see everyone is back to work.
ANDY: The Mayor is angry.
MAX: I know.
ANDY: She’s having a stare down with Zodora.
MAX: That’s not good. I can fix it.
ANDY: Good luck with that.
ANDY crosses upstage.
ZODORA enters HALL crosses to MAX.
MAX: Zodora, darling if I could have a word.
ZODORA: Tromper! (Trump E / fool)
MAX: Triumph?
ZODORA: Ridicule un! (reDICK-yule ahn / ridiculous man)
MAX: I don’t speak French. (calling out) Does anyone here speak French?
TATYANNA: Je parle français. (gea parlay fran say/ I speak French)
MAX: (pointing to ZODORA) Parle.
ZODORA: Tromper!
TATYANA: (Laughing) Durachit' !(do-ra-cheat / fool)
MAX: What?
TATYANA: (Laughing) Durachit'
TURNER runs to TATYANA to translate.
TURNER: ( too TATYANA) Kakiye? (ka-KEY /what?)
TATYANA: (Laughing) Durachit'
TURNER: (To MAX with emotion) Shǎguā! (Shaw-gwah)
ZUG runs to translate.
ZUG: (to TURNER) Shǎguā!?
TURNER nods, “yes.”
ZUG: (to MAX even more negative) Täuschen! (toy SHIN)
MAX: Does anyone speak English?
CRYSTAL crosses to MAX.
CRYSTAL: I twak English.
MAX: Do you speak German?
CRYSTAL: No. I twak English!
MAX: Why do I need you?
CRYSTAL: Well, fuh-get ‘bout yews too.
ZODORA: Tromper!
TATYANA: Durachit'!
TURNER: Shǎguā!
ZUG: Täuschen!
HERBERT has entered the line.
HERBERT: You are a fool.
CRYSTAL: What-sup-witch-yew, fool?
SKEETER enters the line.
SKEETER: She says you are an idiot.
MAX: Why?
SKEETER: (to CRYSTAL) He is a confused idiot.
CRYSTAL: (to HERBERT) What-sup callin’ me idiot, fool?
HERBERT: (to ZUG) Warum, plötzlich? (Wah-ROOM plurz-LEEK / why, turd? )
ZUG: Plötzlich? (to TURNER) Wǒ hoi shì túrán de Wèn niè? (Whoa hoy she tu-ran-Da When knee / Who are you calling a turd, wennie?)
TURNER: (to TATYANA) I. A. M kolbasa imet' otkhody (E eye am kolbasa, E-meat AK hoe day /I am a sausage, but you are waste)
TATYANNA: (to ZODORA pointing at her) Déchets! (the SHOT/ waste) (points to MAX) Saucisse! (sue-she-sT / sausage)
ZODORA: (shocked and insulted) (to TATYANA pointing to herself) Star (sta-RH) (pointing to MAX) petite saucisse!
TATYANA: (to TURNER) Zvezda! (zees-DAH) (points to MAX) Ochen' malo kolbasa! (OH-cheen-mal-A kolbasa / very little sausage)
TURNER: (to ZUG pointing at MAX) Tiny pork (TEE-knee poor-cur) (pointing to ZODORA) Talent (Tal-in-cure)
ZUG: (To HERBERT) (points to ZODORA) Der winner Stitzel (to MAX) Winzig wurst. (tiny sausage)
HERBERT: (to CRYSTAL) Zodora is very talented and you are the pits.
CRYSTAL: (to SKEETER) Wow, I’m da best and yew is a little weanie.
SKEETER: (to MAX) She’s a big star and you got…
MAX: I got it. (to SKEETER) Why are you in line, she almost speaks English?
SKEETER: Look buddy, I got one job here, it’s stupid, but I’m going to do it.
MAX: Tell her I’m the boss.
SKEETER: (to CRYSTAL) He’s the boss.
CRYSTAL: Yeah, right. (to HERBART) He thinks he’s the boss.
MAX: I can understand you.
HERBERT: (to ZUG) Chef.
ZUG: Chef? Chef! (Zug improvises in made up German about who is boss then turns to TURNER and improvises in fake Chinese.)
TURNER: (repeats ZUG’s fake Chinese the turns to TATYNA and goes off in fake Russian.)
TATYANA: (to ZODORA) Il ah refired! (E-la-u-FIRED)
ZODORA: I’m fired!
ZODORA slaps TATYANA who starts the chain reaction slapping which stops at SKEETER.
SKEETER: I got it.
SKEETER turns to slap MAX.
MAX: Don’t you dare.
MAX covers his face. SKEETER stomps on MAX’s toe.
ZODORA: Je quitte! (gew key-ta / I quit)
ALL improvise in their languages and follow ZODORA out the HALL except SKEETER.
SKEETER: Way to go big Leroy.
SKEETER exits HALL.
SPOTLIGHT center door.
LIGHTS: OUT
SOUND: Desert music.
NOAH enters center door dressed as Valentino in The Sheik. ANDY enters with a fan and blows NOAH’s costume. MONA enters in a kimono and NOAH sweeps her off her feet and walks down stage tossing her off to one side.
LIGHTS: fade up to dim.
MONA sits on the bench as he stares at her. She holds her head high.
KYD enters HALL as a priest and hands NOAH a cigarette.
NOAH strikes an over sexy pose. MONA stands and starts to cross to NOAH. KYD crosses behind her and grabs her hand keeping her from going to NOAH. NOAH grabs her hand. It is a tense moment then KYD pulls MONA. NOAH pulls back. It becomes a comic struggle.
MAX: Cut!
SOUND: out.
LIGHTS: Up full.
NOAH: Is this the part where I get on the horse again and ride off with the girl?
MONA: You can’t ride off with me.
NOAH: Why?
MONA: I’m the sad girl. I die in the third reel.
NOAH: I ride off with Crystal?
MONA: No, it isn’t a happy ending. She’s the happy girl. She escapes the desert.
NOAH: Zodora?
MONA: Zodora is the angry girl-she will hunt you down for the rest of your life. You ride off with Tatyana.
NOAH: Why Tatyana?
MONA: She’s the angst girl.
KYD: She has all the ennui. It’s not quite a tragedy, but you wish it was.
NOAH: What about Turnyourheadski?
ANDY: You wouldn’t ride off with him.
NOAH: What happens to him?
KYD: He is the comic relief. He dies in the fourth reel. Don’t you ever watch these movies?
MAX: I need a break.
ANDY: Take ten.
MONA and KYD exit HALL. NOAH sits on the bench and smokes the fake cigarette.
MAX: I have got to get Zugwrack back.
ANDY: The Frau and her entourage won’t come back until Zodora comes back. You shouldn’t have fired her.
MAX: I didn’t fire her. What we have here is a failure to communicate.
NOAH: You should learn to speak French.
MAX: That cigarette is a prop.
NOAH: I’m getting into character.
ANDY: (to MAX) How’s your foot?
MAX: Throbbing like my head.
NOAH: I can get her back.
MAX: How?
NOAH: Sign the impeachment petition against Mayor Wroids.
MAX: I can’t. When you are in the arts, you have contracts with crazy people.
NOAH: When Zodora is Mayor she’ll give you the contract if you sign the petition.
MAX: Never mix business with politics.
NOAH: What business?
NOAH exits HALL smoking.
MAX: What do you think, Andy?
ANDY: I just work here.
ANDY takes the camera and exits FRONT.
MAX: I never had this trouble selling women’s shoes.
LIGHTS: Fade to black.