Jill Barber, Ph.D.

Georgia Institute of Technology

Anneliese Singh, Ph.D.

University of Georgia

Tips for staying engaged even and especially when dialogue is painful:

  • Self-care (Checking personal resources, knowing when it is not a good time to enter into dialogue, having safe spaces to process when it is over, )
  • Recognize socialization around privilege/oppression experiences pre-dialogue (attend to own wounds about oppression and privilege before/after dialogue not during)
  • As much as possible, assume the best intention of others in the dialogue and don’t rush to judge
  • Allow ourselves & others to “mess up” without annihilating them or ourselves
  • Change framework of “pain” temporarily. Louise Douce describes this as using a camera boom technique to move in and out of the dialogue. This allows you to distance and get a big picture view. She cautions not to stay removed permanently.
  • Really listen to the other person. Recognize other person is in pain and hurting too. Rosie Phillips Bingham noted she reminds herself that a “person who is hurting others is hurting more himself or herself.”
  • Expect that it will be difficult. Kathy Bieschke noted that she compares these types of dialogues to rigorous exercise. It isn’t easy, sometimes it hurts, but in the end, it is very satisfying and can be exhilarating.
  • Laura Brown said that she considers it a “moral dictate to be in dialogue”
  • Understand where guilt comes from and don’t use the dialogue to assuage it.
  • Sue Morrow said she learned to wait and give other people their turn and that she will get her turn at the right time.
  • Stay curious. Have the goal of understanding.
  • Experience helps!

Preparation

  • Be clear about intention for the dialogue.
  • Is it a safe space? Use skills to make it so whenever possible. Don’t dialogue if space isn’t safe for all.
  • Tania Israel noted that she reminds herself that trying to convince people is the absolutely wrong thing to do.
  • Get grounded before the dialogue.
  • Think about being real in the dialogue. Jim Croteau added that we need to do work on our own issues related to power prior to entering dialogue. Know yourself and acknowledge the multiplicity of your identity (the places you have had power and privilege and the places in which you have been oppressed). There is a tendency to only remember or identify with the places we’ve been oppressed.
  • Be clear that you want to listen and if you don’t want to listen, you shouldn’t go into dialogue.(Louise Douce)
  • Knowing limits. If feeling vulnerable, avoid joining conversation at this time.
  • Make sure you have the time to talk.
  • Ask yourself am I really courageous enough to say the things I need to say?
  • Cultivate compassion
  • Recognize how own culture and socialization impacts participation
  • Have some guidelines for what is acceptable or feels respectful
  • Have a supportive space for processing later
  • Notice how body responds to the tension
  • Remind self of identity models and models of change
  • Ready with group facilitation skills and skills as an activist
  • Plan questions well. What questions will lead the group to the most understanding or support?
  • Tries to understand what could be the pain the other group is in before entering dialogue
  • Look for points of agreement in advance so we can begin with some harmony.
  • Good conversations with trusted colleagues can give us an idea of what emotions might come up in the dialogue so we can be prepared
  • Be responsible for taking care of own majority or minority identity development so that this is not acted out within the dialogue
  • Prepare yourself not with books but with relationships
  • One person said she is a spiritual person and prays about the intentional dialogue.
  • Kathy Bieschke said she doesn’t prepare. She said she feels she needs to walk around the world prepared and that having these dialogues is a part of who she is.

Balance between task and feeling orientation

  • The process is the task. Avoid distancing by having a task orientation. Be willing to risk staying enraged and engaged (ex to say “that really breaks my heart or I am feeling really frustrated)

Identifying that there is a problem that needs intentional dialogue

  • Several people noted that they know there is a problem if someone is not listening (either themselves or someone else)
  • Gut knowledge that comes from watching non verbal behaviors as well as deep listening
  • Groups separate to discuss a difficult matter.

Staying in dialogue successfully when you belong to the injured group

  • Use safe “in group” space to express whatever feelings need to be expressed so that when you can decide what needs to be communicated about the injury, when and how.
  • Go for understanding that I am no better and not much different from person who is doing the injury (Rosie Phillips Bingham).
  • Take responsibility for the “acid” that expressing your pain can pour into the dialogue (Louise Douce) and take care that your pain isn’t an excuse to inflict more pain.
  • Pull away to figure out if this is a time you can engage productively and safely in the dialogue
  • Don’t take the other person or groups comments personally. Rosie Phillips Bingham noted that she says to herself, “I must be a powerful symbol for this group for them to react to me this way– let’s talk about what I symbolize.”
  • Compartmentalize the experience if necessary.
  • Breathe deeply and pause before responding. You may not need to respond in the moment to be effective.
  • Consider perhaps a kernel of truth is contained on both sides
  • Assess the dialogue in terms of potential to make change – let them know how and why their remark or behavior was offensive and extend an opportunity to talk further about it. If it is not likely that there will be change, consider the amount of energy you are willing to invest in dialogue there.

Staying in dialogue when you are in the group who caused the injury

  • Learning it’s not about how you cover up, but how you recover (DW Sue)
  • Disengage if the dialogue is not safe for all involved.
  • Acknowledge the vulnerability of other group
  • Get quiet and listen – noticed it happened
  • Is there a way to articulate the injury with respect?
  • It is not the job of the majority group to define how bad the injury is or how the injured group should respond
  • Remind yourself not to assume that you have to or can “make it right on behalf of all of your own kind of people”
  • Expect to get injuries – hurt people aren’t always so careful and that is ok with me. (Laura Brown)
  • Try not to be helpless bystander, a victim, a perpetrator or a rescuer
  • Pick when and how to respond to injury – “pick what mountain you want to die on”
  • Advocate for people who have been injured instead of defending yourself or your group

Other related tips:

  • There is not a substitute for human contact. We learn more in the context of face to face discussion and relationship than we can learn in other ways.
  • Don’t think email and technology can get across the tone and people’ intention – tone is really crucial in how to have good dialogue.
  • Feeling some membership with the group having the dialogue is important. It reminds us that there is a whole that is greater than the current conflict and it reminds us that it is valuable to work though conflict.
  • Build trust and listen and hear others out before making a judgment about people
  • Be open and be able to acknowledge that you are not “there” yet. It takes risk to have progress.
  • Many of us are perfectionists and feel that we don’t want to engage if we can’t do it “right”. Fear of making a mistake is the surest way not to grow.

Our gratitude to the wise and brave souls who have provided leadership in the area of multiculturalism and have offered comments and challenges that have inspired us over the years. Some of them were able to take the time to participate in interviews that enabled us to glean the information shared in this workshop. Special thanks to Sue Morrow who provided mentorship, guidance and friendship to us as we worked on this project. Those leaders who participated in the interviews were:

Kathy Bieschke, Ph.D.

Laura Brown, Ph.D.

James Croteau, Ph.D.

Louise Douce, Ph.D.

Tania Israel, Ph.D.

Sue Morrow, Ph.D.

Ruperto Perez, Ph.D.

Rosie Phillips Bingham, Ph.D.