GANG SHOW 2017---VICTORIAS BLUE SUEDE SHOES
SKETCH FOR LADIES : ‘Victoria’s blue suede shoes’
ADAPTED FROM VICTORIA WOODS ORIGINAL SKETCH: SHOE SHOP
SCENE: a shoe shop.
Use the black staging for small shelves. Lots of shoes!
Janine is an assistant, tidying & helping other customers who come into the shop.
The main assistant is a smiling, mad, middle aged woman. The main customer enters.
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CUSTOMER: Hello, there’s a pair of shoes in the window.
ASSISSTANT: That’s right. We do it because it’s a shoe shop.
CUSTOMER: They’re blue suede shoes, £15.99.
ASS: Are they?
CUST: Yeah---can I try them on?
ASS: On your feet?
CUST: Yes.
ASS: Alright, why not?
……………..she blunders into the window & comes back with any old pair…………….
CUST: No sorry, the blue ones, they’re flat lace-up
ASS: Beg pardon?
CUST: Those aren’t flat.
………………she breaks heel off………………
ASS: Flatter now.
CUST: But they’re RED.
ASS: They are quite red aren’t they?
CUST: I want a blue suede pair.
ASS: I know, I can never get what I want when I go shopping.
CUST: They’re in the window.
ASS: Are they?
…………….she runs into the window……………
CUST: Can I try on the blue suede lace-ups in the window ?
ASS: Well you can, but everyone in the street will be able to see you.
CUST: Can you get them in my size and I’ll try them on here?
ASS: Alright ….we’re not busy.
CUST: I’m 5 and a half.
ASS: You’re very tall, do you take vitamins?
CUST: My SHOE size is 5 and a half. Do you have the blue suede lace-ups in that size?
ASS: We might have.
CUST: Can you go in the stockroom?
ASS: Yeah, I can go anywhere here…the toilets, backyard, they’re free and easy.
………………..she goes off to look for the shoes……………….
• MUSIC STARTS: ALL customers [except main one] & Janine start to liven up /dance & sing:
“ BLUE SUEDE SHOES”
………………They go back to trying on shoes etc as though nothing happened...... assistant comes back with the shoes…….
ASS: Are these the ones?
CUST: Yes.
CUST: I don’t like them
CUST: What?
ASS: Because I know this woman, she had a pair and she got knocked down by an industrial tribunal, and the doctor says she’s to wear ponchos.
CUST: I haven’t got a poncho!
ASS: Neither had she. She did a sponsored crochet…but to she moved to Wigan.
CUST: They’re a bit tight.
ASS: Janine?...... Can I have your shoe horn please?
……………..Janine chucks it over. The assistant scratches her back with it and chucks it back……
ASS: Tah. What were you saying?
CUST: NO…..they’re too small!!
ASS: You’re like me, broad-footed…and are you a Taurus and can’t stick cabbage??
CUST: NO!
ASS: You’re not like me then. Look, you’d better go. They don’t like me sitting down and talking in shop hours.
CUST: Couldn’t I just try a bigger size?
ASS: NO. I’m in enough trouble as it is. You come in here asking for shoes….you want to get changed in the window…..and It’s no good trying to bribe me with those new £5 notes or trips to Liverpool One! I’ve got a rare skin disease and can’t go out in the sun without the St Helens Star on my head.
So you can stuff it, because I know my rights; I voted Labour, but the chappie didn’t get in…I never wanted free milk anyway...I ’m allergic !!
…………………..customer leaves……Janine wanders over………………..
JANINIE: Wrong size?
ASS: Yes….she was like me……………. broad-footed!!!
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