“Like Cupped Hands”
Mark 10:2-16
Twenty-second Sunday after Pentecost
October 7, 2012
By Rev. Richard K. Kamanu
The head of a large real estate company kept a small sign above his desk that read, "I'm the Boss." One of his salesmen taped a note to the sign that read, "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
Old shoes tied to the back bumper of a car signify that the couple inside have just gotten married. Where did this custom come from? In days of old, historians tell us, the bride's father gave the bride's old shoes to her new husband as a sign that he, the groom, was now responsible for her. In some cases the groom then hit his bride on the head with a shoe to make sure she understood. I am not advising that couples nowadays revive that custom. I am simply reporting a historical fact.
Pharisees came to test Jesus. They began by asking him whether it was lawful for a man to divorce his wife. You may think that obtaining quick and easy divorces is something new. Untrue. Divorces were much easier to obtain in Jesus' day. Jesus asked the Pharisees, "What did Moses command you?" They answered, "Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away." Jesus said, "Because of your hardness of heart Moses gave you this commandment. But from the beginning, God made them male and female. For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and the two shall become one flesh; consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh." Then Jesus added those words that have graced so many Christian marriages over the centuries: "Therefore what God has joined together, let no man put asunder."
These Pharisees seem to understand marriage as a state which lasts until "infatuation do you part," while Jesus understands marriage as "till death do you part." Not only does Jesus change the focus of the conversation from divorce to marriage as a sacred act directly instituted by God, he also strikes a resounding chord for the rights of women who previously had been totally subject to the whims of their husbands.
It's an adage in real estate that "location is everything," and that adage holds true in our Biblical story. Where Jesus gave this commentary on divorce is critical to understanding it. Jesus has left Galilee, has crossed the Jordan River and is in the region of Perea. It's not surprising that the Pharisees in this region want to know what Jesus thinks about divorce, for it was ruled by King Herod Antipas. You may recall that Herod Antipas divorced his first wife to marry Herodias, the wife of his own brother. (Mark 6:17ff) It was this bizarre marriage which John the Baptist criticized by telling Herod, "It is not lawful for you to have your brother's wife." (Mark 6:18) This critique cost John the Baptist his head! Since the Pharisees were "buddy-buddy" with the Herodians, we can picture them rubbing their hands, anticipating how Jesus might answer this question. If Jesus speaks for divorce, he violates his own ethical principles. If he speaks against divorce, John's fate could be Jesus' fate! Why were the Pharisees interested in "testing" Jesus? There are two possible answers.
First, it may have been to get Jesus into trouble with the Herodians. Jesus had become a thorn in the side of the religious leaders, and if they could enlist the government's aid in getting rid of Jesus, it would only be to their advantage.
Second, the Pharisees may have questioned Jesus to see where he stood on a debate that was raging in society about divorce. The Pharisees based their understanding of divorce on Deuteronomy 24:1 which states that if a man finds "something objectionable" in his wife he may divorce her. Now, what constitutes "something objectionable"? One school of thought said that only adultery could be objectionable while the other said that "something objectionable" could be anything which displeased the man! "You burned the meatloaf. I divorce thee." "You didn't iron my shirt. I divorce thee." I heard about one woman who was so angry at her husband that she hid the remote for the television. I will let you decide whether that is grounds for divorce or not. In Jesus’ time, "some reason" for divorce had become "any reason" and even "no reason" for divorce. As William Barclay reminds us, "In Jewish law a woman was regarded as a thing. She had no legal rights whatever but was at the complete disposal of the male head of the family." This capricious attitude left women in a vulnerable state.
JESUS SEEMS TO BE SAYING THAT THERE IS NO REASON FOR DIVORCE--an answer that satisfied neither side. The novelist Reynolds Price finds this to be the most striking aspect of Mark's gospel. He writes, "Especially imposing is his absolute forbidding of divorce on any grounds." Jesus' ultimate statement on marriage is: "Therefore what God has joined together, let no one put asunder." (Mark 10:9) Jesus doesn't consider the Deuteronomy debate. He brushes it off as a concession to human hard-heartedness and goes all the way back to Genesis, to the beginning of humanity's existence for his answer. Jesus puts the focus on marriage, locating it in God's initial actions and intentions.
Now, before we go any further, we need to say a word to single persons. Nowhere in scripture does it say that every person needs to be married. Jesus himself was a man in his 30s who never married, yet he understood the marriage covenant as the foundation of family life. Clearly, Jesus had seen enough good in his parents' marriage that he could praise marriage, though he had never known it himself.
We also need to say a word to the divorced--for the last thing we want to do is to cause further pain. Though the Church never welcomes divorce, we know that some marriages should not continue. To perpetuate a brutal relationship which is beyond reconciliation would only be to compound misery. And many people in churches are divorced--and being divorced was the last thing they ever wanted to happen. As we acknowledge the suffering which is in every divorce, we also acknowledge our hope in God for restoration. Jesus locates marriage in God's original plan. As we read in Genesis: "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed." (Genesis 2:24-25) This ancient understanding of marriage has four components which continue to be the hallmarks of a good marriage.
THE FIRST COMPONENT IS SEVERANCE."Therefore a man (and a woman) leave their fathers and mothers." Marriage changes our ultimate loyalty. Though the influence of parents and friends continues, our final allegiance is to our partner.
A pastor was conversing with a young couple about their upcoming marriage. He asked if there was any area they needed to work on, and the woman immediately answered, "Softball!" The pastor was fascinated! A woman who wants to improve her softball skills to improve her marriage? Not quite. The issue was her husband's obsession with softball. The husband, naturally, didn't think it was a big deal. "Hey, I just play 4 nights a week for an hour and a half," he said. She reminded him that the games were just a prelude to the rest of the night's festivities, and that he had conveniently forgotten his weekend tournaments. He said, "Oh yeah, right." What commands our loyalty, our mates or our games?
Sons and daughters leave their parents in marriage. Some parents forget this. They expect their grown children to be with them on each and every weekend as if their children had never married. Can parents understand that their children have obligations to two families? (And sometimes more!) October is the beginning of the season of anxiety for young couples whose parents still expect them to "come home" for every Thanksgiving and Christmas. There's a limit to how much pumpkin pie and turkey newlyweds can eat! Holidays should be Holy Days--not something just to "get through."
THE SECOND COMPONENT TO A GOOD MARRIAGE IS PERMANENCE. As the Bible says, "The husband cleaves to his wife." When you cleave, you're together forever. John Butler Yeats said: "I think a man and a woman should choose each other for life, for the simple reason that a long life with all its accidents is barely enough for a man and a woman to understand each other; and in this case to understand is to love. The man who understands one woman is qualified to understand pretty well everything." It does take a lifetime for two people to truly understand and love one another.
Sometime back the newspapers carried a photograph of a couple celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. This couple observed their anniversary by reaffirming their marriage vows dressed in wedding finery. Ernest, the husband, was seated in his wheelchair wearing an angel-white tuxedo while his wife Beatrice wore a frilly white bridal gown. She held in one of her hands a bridal bouquet. Looking closely you could see that Beatrice's other hand is firmly placed in Ernest's. Good for Beatrice and Ernest! They're cleaving till death do they part!
THE THIRD COMPONENT TO A GOOD MARRIAGE IS COMPANIONSHIP. The Bible calls it "one flesh." That's exciting! The longer a couple stays together, the nearer they are to "one flesh." C.S. Lewis wrote of how the initial thrill of marriage can yield to something even better. He wrote, "Let the thrill go--go on through the period of death into the quieter interest and happiness that follows--and you will find you are living in a world of new thrills all the time."
One Saturday evening, as Mrs. Johnson finished the dishes, Mr. Johnson stepped up behind her and asked, "Would you like to go out, girl?" Mrs. Johnson quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" They had a wonderful evening. It wasn't until the end of the evening that Mr. Johnson confessed that his question, "Would you like to go out, girl?" had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mrs. Johnson's feet on the kitchen floor.
No matter how long couples are together, they still need an occasional night out. They still need to kindle the fires not only of romance, but also of friendship.
THE LAST COMPONENT TO A GOOD MARRIAGE IS INTIMACY, DEFINED IN SCRIPTURE AS "NAKEDNESS WITHOUT SHAME." If we think this only means sexuality, we miss the point. In a good marriage, the couple becomes so intimate, so trusting; that all the veils of pretense are pulled aside. A good marriage is not a battlefield, but a safe haven; not the last place you want to be, but the first place.
One of the finest understandings of intimacy was demonstrated by Jean Vanier, a friend of Henri Nouwen's. Vanier would cup his hands as if holding a small, wounded bird and ask, "What would happen if I opened my hands fully? The bird would flutter its wings, and it would fall and die. But what would happen if I closed my hand? The bird would be crushed and die." Then Vanier said, "An intimate place is like my cupped hands, neither totally open nor totally closed. It is the place where growth can take place." What beautiful imagery. "An intimate place is like . . . cupped hands."
The intimacy that is to be found in marriage or any committed relationship is an inferior reflection of the intimacy we all long for with God. Virginia Mollenkott writes, "Right relationships with God are primarily expressed through right relationships with other people. Better one solid, honest love relationship . . . than an impersonal . . . attempt to love thousands!"
Well said. It is better to have one solid, honest love relationship. The Pharisees wanted Jesus to focus on legalistic grounds for divorce. Jesus, instead, focused on the biblical and spiritual grounds for making a marriage or a committed relationship work. And that is where each of us should be focusing as well. Amen.
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