Emotional intelligence framework
Self-Awareness concerns knowing one's internal states, preferences, resources, and intuitions.
Self-Management refers to managing ones' internal states, impulses, and resources.
Social Awareness refers to how people handle relationships and awareness of others' feelings, needs, and concerns.
Social Skills/Relationship Management concerns the skill or adeptness at inducing desirable responses in others.
Emotional Intelligence Domains, Associated Competencies and
Behavior Indicators
Personal Competence: These capabilities determine how we manage ourselves
Self Awareness
Emotional Self Awareness: Reading ones own emotions recognizing their impact; using “gut sense” to guide decisions
* Is aware of own feelings
* Knows why feelings occur
* Understands implications of own emotions
Accurate Self Assessment: Knowing one’s own strength and limits
* Is aware of own strengths and limits
* Is open to feedback
* Leverages self-awareness
* Makes long-term self-development plans
Self Confidence: A sound sense of one’s self-worth and capabilities
* Acts independently not needing to be told what to do
* Is confident in own ability
* Is decisive
* Has presence
* Takes on challenges willingly
Self-Management/Regulation
Emotional self control: Keeping disruptive emotions and impulses under control
* Shows restraint
* Responds calmly
* Calms others
Transparency: Displaying honesty and integrity; trustworthiness
* Acts consistently with values
* Publicly admits to mistakes
* Acts on values in spite of pressure to do otherwise
Adaptability: Flexibility in adapting to changing situations or overcoming obstacles
* Is open to new ideas from others (even direct reports)
* Adapts to situations with ease
* Has tolerance for ambiguity
* Adapts or changes strategy
Conscientiousness
* Is careful and accurate
* Follows through
* Publicly Takes personal responsibility
Achievement: The drive to improve performance to meet inner standards of excellence
* Creates own measures of excellence
* Improves performance
* Sets challenging goals
* Conducts cost-benefit analysis
* Anticipates obstacles
* Takes calculated risks
Initiative: Readiness to act and seize opportunities
* Addresses current opportunities
* Is ready to act
* Makes extra effort
* Initiates action for future
Optimism: Seeing the upside in events
Social Competence: These capabilities determine how we manage relationships.
Social Awareness:
Empathy: sensing others’ emotions, understanding their perspective and taking active interest in their concerns
* Listens
* Actively listens
* Reads nonverbal cues
* Is open to diversity
* Seeks others’ perspectives
* Understands others
Organizational awareness: Reading the currents, decisions, networks and politics at the organizational level.
* Understands informal structure
* Understands climate and culture
* Understands organizational politics
* Understands underlying issues
Service: Recognizing and meeting follower, client, or customer needs.
* Maintains clear communication
* Monitors satisfaction
* Takes personal responsibility
* Addresses underlying needs
* Acts as a trusted advisor
Relationship Management:
Inspirational Leadership: Guiding and motivating with a compelling vision
* Uses formal authority appropriately
* Stimulates enthusiasm
* Positions self as leader
* Communicates a compelling vision
Influence: Leverages a range of tactics for persuasion
* Is aware of and concerned with image (how they are perceived)
* Persuades based on facts and reasons
* Anticipates impact of actions or words on others
* Uses indirect influence
* Uses empathic listening skills to gain insights to win-win solutions
Developing Others: Bolstering others’ abilities through feedback and guidance
* Expresses positive expectations
* Provides support
* Gives timely feedback
* Acts as a mentor
Change Catalyst: Initiating, managing and leading in a new direction
* Defines general need for change
* Expresses vision of change
* Acts to support change
* Personally leads change that is important
* Champions change for other departments and alliances
Conflict Management: Resolving disagreements
* Spots potential conflict
* Maintains objectivity
* De-escalates conflicts
* Orchestrates win-win solutions
Teamwork and collaboration: Cooperation and team building
* Cooperates
* Expresses positive expectations
* Solicits input
* Encourages others
* Builds team spirit
Building Bonds
* Builds rapport
* Establishes relationships
* Cultivates and maintains networks
* Leverages strong mutual relationships
Communication
* Engages audience
* Clarifies or emphasizes the message
* Is effective in give-and-take
* Fine-tunes delivery
Emotional Intelligence and the BRAIN
Conflict happens, but the truth is that HOW we fight is one of the most telling diagnostic tools that can determine the health of any relationship. It is how we respond to the inevitable conflict in life and relationships – and the challenging emotions that arise – that directly predict the health and robustness of our relationships. If we hope to cultivate healthy relationships, we must be committed to understanding the effect of emotions on our relationship and to working diligently to manage conflict.
The Amygdala Hijack
There are two forms of Amygdala Hijacks
1) The outburst of Emotion - followed by a sense of “how could I have done that?”
2) The Silence – Swallowing our Truth – (generally shows up as Passive- aggressive behavior)
Amygdala Hijacks have four components:
· A Trigger
· An Instant Reaction
· A Strong Emotion
· A Subsequent Feeling of Regret
The Anatomy of an Amygdala Hijack
We typically have a strong emotional response under the following conditions:
When we have been:
· PUT DOWN
· LET DOWN
· SHUT DOWN
or
When we are in a HALTed state
· HUNGRY
· ANXIOUS
· LONELY
· TIRED
We do not hijack at the most intense stage of the stimulus-response curve, that is, at the plateau. Instead, hijacks occur on the way up the curve as the stimulus intensity begins to increase. It is actually our “Anticipation” of what is happening that sets off the hijack and triggers the “thinking mind” – causing us to “awfulize” and create terrible scenarios in our mind.
If we are able to wait between the challenging situation or event and our response, we have more working memory with which to form our response. It is precisely this increase in working memory which affords us greater perspective – and greater art in “speaking our truth.”
Impulse Control & the Power of Choice
Using Emotion as Opposed to Letting Emotions Use YOU
Stop
Oxygenate
Strengthen Appreciation
Seek Information
Stop yourself for a moment. Stop the habitual reaction. (Yes, you can!)
*Pre-think of strategies that will work for you in certain situations. It is just as if we are equipping our children with pre-thinking about their responses to certain risks they’ll face.
Breathe
Strengthen Appreciation (Empathy)
The most difficult aspect of the SOSS model is Strengthening Appreciation. As a culture we have not been taught techniques to break through our strong emotional states. During an amygdala hijack, the cortisol (stress hormone)in our blood causes our mind to race – the only antidote we know is trying to “out-think” our mind by using rational thought. Unfortunately, this is impossible. The chemical cortisol is far too strong for us to break through our strong emotion and racing thoughts at times like these. The question is – “How do we stop our mind from racing if we can not out-think it?”
Try to find ways to appreciate and gain a new perspective with the person:
1) I appreciate we may have a different frame of reference
2) I appreciate how your experience may be different than mine and might influence your frame of reference
3) I appreciate you as a person
Keep in mind that it is important to value the relationship with this person – IF you do not value the relationship – (and let’s be real about that – we do have people that we just do not care about or choose to establish a more connected relationship) I find that if I am having a difficult time with this – it is time to explore my “distortions” and why I am blocking a possible connection or willingness to learn from a different perspective. I can have a problem with a person’s behavior – and not dismiss the person.
Seek Information
Based on the fact that we use less than 5% of available information, it is critical to first seek information before we jump to a conclusion. Unfortunately, most of us do jump to judgment and without finding out the intention behind what the person said or did.
If we are able to get over the wave – and not habitually react, we now have an opportunity to seek information and decide if we need to speak our truth – and have a courageous conversation.
Impulse Control in Action
Our lives are a constant dance in relation to others and the world. Unfortunately, much of this dance is not devoted to “living and loving”, but to “thinking and reacting” to the times we felt PUT DOWN, LET DOWN and SHUT DOWN by those in our lives. If you are like most of us, you probably react to these happenings, not by having courageous conversations and discussing as adults, but by swallowing our hurt and anger.
Here is an example:
It is a typically trying day, we are feeling HALTed. To top it off we have to face a particularly difficult person at work. They say something annoying and feel PUT DOWN, LET DOWN and SHUT DOWN by their remark. As a result we suddenly and temporarily lose our ability to think (emotion floods our highest centers and our working memory is flooded. We begin to experience a jam – a misperception- where we make assumptions about what they’ve said based on a small amount of information. Our HALTed state only serves as a deeper block. There are generally two reactions:
· We either have trouble calming ourselves and are unable to seek information; or
· We can successfully calm ourselves but can’t talk about what happened – and this may be our biggest challenge.
Because of this fear and difficulty in discussing our feelings, many of us end of swallowing our truth and never say a word. Sometimes we opt for a passive-aggressive route. By denying the courageous conversation, we miss the opportunity to find our what was really meant and we miss the opportunity to tell the other person how it made us feel. Now that everyone is in the dark, we’ve missed a great chance to bridge the perception-communication gap and create a closer and deeper relationship of understanding.
To respond differently to our emotional legacy and the repetitive state that it produces, we need to learn to:
· EXPERIENCE – what happened – resist the temptation to push your reactions and feelings away and not deal with the,
· EXPRESS – how do you feel about it – talk about it? Examine and understand
· UNTWIST – what are the “cognitive distortions” (see list attached)
Getting Out of Your HEAD Habit
H – Happening: During the past week what events have triggered a strong emotional response?
E – Emotions or feeling states: (anger, hostility) What emotions or feelings were present?
A – Automatic Thoughts (your patterns or standard reactions) How do you typically respond to these emotions?
D – Distorted Thinking (Test your automatic thoughts from above for accuracy) What can you identify about these patterns of response? What are your automatic, reactive thoughts when you face similar situations? What is the truth about these thoughts and statements?
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