5
3rd session:
In our series on Family in Ministry I have been looking at the question, how you can find the right balance as a family in your life and work overseas. Last time I challenged you on the importance of your marriage life, how your relationship is a foundation of rootedness and security in the constantly changing and at risk world of your children. And I hope you found the time to sit together with your partner and take an inventory of your relationship, how it scores in terms of transparency, respect, commitment to the partner’s emotional and spiritual growth and quality time spent together.
Today I want to focus on another important foundation of balanced living as family in ministry: that is the way how you as parents can communicate unconditional love to your children and affirm them in their individuality.
“Why does this point need special attention?” you might ask yourself.
Well, you as a parent have taken the decision to work cross-culturally out of obedience and careful considerations. But how much does it affect your children, their sense of security, their future, their personal faith, how does their parent’s ministry and cross-cultural work impact them? How can they feel part of that ministry and not feel like an appendix?
As I worked for many years with families overseas and with TCKs on different occasions lately, I have become more and more aware of their inner needs:
Such as the un-dealt-with past they carry with them, the loss they grieve, and the resentments some struggle with. But of course there are also tremendous benefits and enrichments, and most kids wouldn’t want to change their past for anything despite the losses and identity struggles. Isn’t that encouraging?
But in the light of these obvious struggles I want to ask you:
>Do you as a parent take these issues enough into consideration? ..and:
>How can you help your children to feel loved and valued in this process?
>How can you communicate love and affirmation in a practical way?
Let me outline 3 points:
· First: Be approachable, and that means to be a good listener and to have time!
No time is a message in itself, it means: everything else is more important than you.
Of course there are times where you struggle with priorities and where you feel under lots of pressure. But if this becomes the norm you are communicating a deadening message to your kids, that they are last on your priority list.
This is unfortunately quite a common experience of TCKs, not that the parents mean it that way, but that’s the way the children perceive it. And if the home atmosphere is rather conservative or doesn’t allow criticism, your child will suppress anger and frustration, which will then in turn express itself in anger towards God whom she or he sees responsible for this misery. It always hurts me to hear kids expressing this deep rooted frustration or even bitterness about their felt neglect and to see the damage it can cause on the child-parent relationship long-term.
To be approachable means to be sensitive. There may be times where you are in the middle of an important and difficult task, where you just have to let others wait in order not to miss the opportunity to give a signal to your child: I am here for you, you are important to me.
To say “I love you” doesn’t mean that this message will be received with the same meaning. That your child feels loved and valued is not only a matter of words but even more so a matter of actions and decisions that come out of an empathetic and caring heart.
For example, if family game nights get more and more replaced by ministry responsibilities, or if your communication with kids in boarding school is lacking out of time pressure and if there is no special time set aside for their holidays at home, - these messages speak louder than words.
· Secondly, another area of importance is to be aware of individual needs
Even in your home country you are dealing with the individual characters and needs of your children, but this is all the more true for living overseas, as kids have less choices and are more dependant on their parents. Some children just thrive in a new environment, others struggle with the unfamiliar setting. Each personality deals differently with loss and change. As a family in ministry you have to be very sensitive to each child’s coping mechanisms. It is important to recognize personal needs and to nurture unique abilities, if it is feasible.
One of the regrets some TCKs have, is the missed out opportunity to excel in a personal field and they carry that on their minus account for life overseas.
From a certain age onwards it is therefore important to involve your children in the decision-making process, even before you go overseas. When they feel heard and have choices for example in school decisions, they don’t feel forced or controlled. They then carry some responsibility which allows them to be part of the ministry process. And as long as you communicate to them that nothing is set in stone and that decisions can be re-assessed when needed, they will feel free to talk with you and will not feel stuck.
In terms of educational or personal needs your ministry may require relocating to another area or a change of your assignment for a season to provide for better school facilities or more social contacts for the children.
Be considerate that each child processes things at its own speed and that each one responds differently to their TCK experience. Therefore you will be wise not to compare one child’s coping mechanism with the other siblings, it can undermine their relationship with one another and lead to labeling one as the black sheep of the family.
The other side of the coin is that you as parent have to be careful not to fall into a false guilt trip for having brought your kids overseas. This might lead to a wrong type of indulgence and permissiveness towards the children, where you try to make up for missed out opportunities or confined living conditions or restricted access to entertainment. Rather try to help them understand the privileges and benefits of growing up overseas.
The more you as parents are sure of your calling and ministry and the more you are positive and settled, the more you can convey this confidence to your kids and help them to see the benefits and to take hold of them.
· And thirdly be sensitive to the way your kids deal with loss and change.
As parent you want your child to be happy and strife. But when they struggle, it causes you concern and sadness, even more so as you feel the responsibility of raising them overseas. Your natural reaction is to encourage your child, to cheer her or him up, to point out the positive side of life. If they feel lonely, you might try to find something interesting for them to do; if they complain about missing favourite foods or toys, you might want to explain to them that most kids in the world have much less and they should be thankful; or if they miss their friends, you might want to comfort them by saying that there are many new friends to be found out here.
These are all well-meant reactions, as you want your child to come to terms with the new situation, but they are unfortunately not very helpful.
Words of encouragement are usually an attempt to change the person’s
perspective, in this case the child’s grief. But the child may not be ready for this change, it still needs to express the hurt, the anger, the sadness without being given any advice.
Encouragement that comes before comfort can become a shame message. Dave Pollock points out in his excellent book on TCKs that if grieving is denied, TCKs can develop a sense of shame and guilt regarding their feelings, which in turn they then will hide. But hidden pain and anger can have destructive consequences.
Therefore make sure that you first listen and comfort the child without suggestions and well-meant advices. I read recently about the meaning of comfort. Comfort means: consolation in time of trouble or worry, it doesn’t change the situation itself, nor can it take away the pain, but it relays the message that you care and understand.
Once the child feels heard and understood in his struggle and senses your empathy, it will be open for encouragement and helpful suggestions.
If you feel now that you fall short in some of the areas mentioned, let me encourage you that there is always a new day and that it is never too late!
Try to ponder about the way your Heavenly Father loves you and learn from him:
He loves you unconditionally, he is always approachable and has time for you, he knows and meets your individual needs and he is a great comforter. Talk with him about the needs of your children and how you can best make them feel loved and valued.
In our next session I want to examine with you the “nomadic heart” of third culture kids and how you as parents and family in ministry can help them in their search for identity.
A.Grosshauser MCBR 2005