51
Madwomen of Manhattan
A new musical in two acts
10/22/10
Book by Marian Partee
Lyrics by Patricia Zehentmayr
Music by Bill Johnson
Developed in association with the Academy for New Musical Theatre
Copyright © 2010 by Marian Partee, Patricia Zehentmayr, and Bill Johnson
Madwomen of Manhattan
Cast of Characters
(6 W, 1 M)
Heather Johnson: age 30, a songwriter with anger issues from modern New York, ex-girlfriend of rock star Rex van Hex.
Vivien Leigh: age 40, British accent, dressed in the fashion of 1953 London. Beautiful, refined, warm, bipolar actress, wife of Laurence Olivier, mother of 1 daughter
Zelda Sayre Fitzgerald: age 30, Alabama accent, dressed in the fashion of 1930 New York. Wacky, witty, irreverent, energetic, beautiful schizophrenic writer, painter, ballerina, partier, wife of F. Scott Fitzgerald, mother of 1 daughter
Camille Claudel: age 49, French accent, dressed in the fashion of 1913 Paris. Passionate, intense, brooding, paranoid sculptor, former mistress of Auguste Rodin
Mary Todd Lincoln: age 57, Kentucky accent, wearing a black dress circa 1875 Washington, D.C. Witty, well-educated, refined, resourceful, narcissistic, depressive, strong-willed widow of Abe Lincoln, mother of 4 sons, into seances, has visions,
shopaholic
Juana of Castile: age 28, Spanish accent, dressed in the fashion of 1507 Castile. Beautiful, haughty, depressive, volatile, devoutly Catholic, daughter of King Ferdinand II and Queen Isabella I, heiress of Spain, widow of Philip the Handsome, mother of 6 children.
One man plays the following roles: Dr. Panter, Rex van Hex, Laurence Olivier, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Auguste Rodin, Abe Lincoln, Philip the Handsome, a bartender, a director, The Thinker statue, a tour guide, a psychic, and a security guard.
Time
October 30-31 of this year
Place
Manhattan.
Act One takes place in the women’s common room of a mental hospital.
Act Two takes place in a club, in an Off-Broadway theatre, the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the U.N., a psychic reading room, and Central Park.
Act I
Scene 1
October 30, late afternoon.
Spotlight on HEATHER, who rants at an unseen man before her. Watch Your Back.
HEATHER
ARE YOU KIDDING ME, SHITTING ME?
HOW TWO-FACED CAN YOU REALLY BE?
I’VE DONE EVERYTHING FOR YOU, AND NOW I’M OFF THE TOUR?
YOU NO-TALENT, DICK-BRAINED, MAGGOT-MINDED HACK!
YOU MUST KNOW IT’S DANGEROUS TO STAB ME IN THE BACK!
I WROTE EVERY WORD, STUPID TURD,
ALL THE SONGS YOUR FANS HAVE HEARD!
YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD CREDIT ME, BUT THAT WAS JUST A LIE.
YOU DOUCHE-HEARTED, LAME, RETARDED RAT BASTARD JERK!
I’LL BE GLAD TO TELL THE WORLD YOU CAN’T DO YOUR OWN WORK.
YOU SUCKED YOUR LIVING OUT OF ME AND KICKED ME TO THE CURB!
SO I’LL SETTLE THE SCORE.
I’LL DO MORE, I’LL DESTROY YOU!
I’M ON THE HUNT.
MY ATTACK WILL HIT YOU LIKE A BLACKJACK!
SO WATCH YOUR BACK!
YOU SAID YOU’D MARRY ME, SWEAR TO ME
A VOW OF YOUR FIDELITY.
IS THERE SOME NEW CHICK WHO THINKS YOU SHIT GOLDEN STARS?
YOUR GHOST TOWN, TUMBLEWEEDED DUSTBOWL OF A HEART
DOESN’T MEAN A THING TO ME, I’M HAPPY WE’RE APART!
DON’T FORGET I DON’T LOSE BETS, ESPECIALLY TO YOU.
SO I’LL SETTLE THE SCORE,
BUT BEFORE I DESTROY YOU,
I’LL MAKE YOU SQUIRM.
MY ATTACK WILL HIT YOU LIKE A BLACKJACK!
SO WATCH YOUR BACK!
I’VE GOT A KNIFE, DEAR,
A PRETTY KNIFE, DEAR,
AND WHEN IN STRIFE, DEAR,
I KEEP IT NEAR.
I LIKE TO USE IT.
I’LL EVEN CHOOSE IT
TO REMOVE THE THING YOU HOLD MOST DEAR!
heather (cont.)
SO I’LL SETTLE THE SCORE.
IT’S NO CHORE TO DESTROY YOU!
I’LL MAKE YOU CRAWL.
MY ATTACK WILL HIT YOU LIKE A BLACKJACK!
SO WATCH YOUR BACK!
I’LL SETTLE THE SCORE.
I’LL DO MORE, I’LL DESTROY YOU!
I’M ON THE HUNT.
MY ATTACK WILL HIT YOU LIKE A BLACKJACK!
SO WATCH YOUR BACK!
(Lights rise on the women’s common room of a mental hospital. The walls are stark white. There is one closed window with pebbled glass. There is one closed door and one doorway leading to a hallway. The room contains mismatched couches and chairs from various countries and time periods. There is a large oval table. Behind HEATHER stands DR. PANTER.)
DR. PANTER
Heather, I think you may benefit from anger management therapy.
HEATHER
Go to hell.
DR. PANTER
Your animosity toward Rex is understandable, but he brought you here for your own good.
HEATHER
He brought me here to get me out of the way. And I need to get out. Where’s my cell?
DR. PANTER
I’ve put it somewhere for safekeeping. You’ll be staying here for 72 hours-
HEATHER
72 hours?!
DR. PANTER
-so I can give you a psychological evaluation and recommend treatment for whatever issues you may-
HEATHER
My ex-boyfriend is a colossal asshole. That’s my only issue.
DR. PANTER
I can help you process your grief over the loss of this relationship.
HEATHER
I don’t need help.
DR. PANTER
Several million YouTube viewers might not believe that.
HEATHER
What?
DR. PANTER
Your latest argument with Rex was caught on video and uploaded to YouTube. It’s been quite popular.
HEATHER
Oh, shit. Not again.
DR. PANTER
What do you expect when someone of Rex’s magnitude is involved? Wouldn’t you like to be free of that anger? This is a very special institution. Many extraordinary women come here to recover.
HEATHER
I don’t belong with a bunch of crazies.
DR. PANTER
We don’t use that word here.
HEATHER
Okay. I don’t belong with a bunch of psychos.
DR. PANTER
You threatened Rex. Did you really intend to harm him with a knife?
HEATHER
I was just bluffing. But everyone took it so damn seriously.
(DR. PANTER hands her a glass of water and a pill.)
DR. PANTER
I’d like you to take this.
HEATHER
What is it?
DR. PANTER
It will help you relax. You’d like to get out of here, right? I promise it will help.
HEATHER
I’ve heard the prescription stuff can be good shit.
(HEATHER takes it. Enter VIVIEN in a 50’s blouse and skirt.)
VIVIEN
Good morning.
DR. PANTER
Good morning. Thank you for being on time.
VIVIEN
Of course. An actress must always be punctual. Do we have a newcomer today?
DR. PANTER
Yes, Vivien, I’d like you to meet Heather.
VIVIEN
How do you do?
HEATHER
Just great.
DR. PANTER
You can join us for group therapy, Heather.
HEATHER
Well, yippity-damn-doo-da.
VIVIEN
Dr. Panter is extremely insightful. We’re all making such progress under his supervision.
(A commotion in the hallway.)
ZELDA (off stage)
You take that back, you whore!
CAMILLE (off stage)
It’s the truth!
MARY (off stage)
For God’s sake, will you both be quiet?
(CAMILLE enters, followed by ZELDA and MARY. HEATHER laughs at their outfits from various historical periods.)
ZELDA
Doctor, I showed her my latest painting, and she called it “murder!”
CAMILLE
No, I said it was “merde.” That’s even worse.
DR. PANTER
Camille, I’ve told you to be more supportive of the other residents’ work.
CAMILLE
How can I, when it’s only fit to wipe my derriere?
DR. PANTER
That’s enough. Ladies, this is Heather. She’ll be joining our group today.
MARY
Pleased to make your acquaintance.
CAMILLE
Enchanté.
ZELDA
Hi, biscuit.
HEATHER
Halloween isn’t ‘til tomorrow. Why are you all dressed up?
MARY
These are our everyday clothes.
HEATHER
Yeah, right.
(JUANA storms in.)
JUANA
These servants are worthless, Doctor!
DR. PANTER
Juana, as I’ve tried to explain before, they’re not your servants. Heather, this is Juana.
JUANA
That’s Queen Juana the First of Castile!
DR. PANTER
Yes, Your Majesty.
JUANA
And none of you are bowing. How many times do I have to remind you?
(VIVIEN and CAMILLE curtsy, and DR. PANTER bows.)
MARY
Juana, you really should dispense with these antiquated shows of deference. A leader ought to be one of the people, like my husband was.
JUANA
Que idea ridícula! A ruler chosen by God must always be treated with reverence!
ZELDA
Lighten up, queenie.
HEATHER
Doc, I really don’t belong here.
MARY
That’s what we’ve all said.
DR. PANTER
Ladies, please introduce yourselves to Heather.
VIVIEN
Vivien Leigh.
CAMILLE
Camille Claudel.
MARY
Mary Todd Lincoln.
ZELDA
Zelda Fitzgerald.
DR. PANTER
And of course Queen Juana the First of Castile has already introduced herself.
(HEATHER laughs.)
MARY
What’s amusing?
HEATHER
Nice joke to play on the new girl. “Let’s all pretend to be crazy women from history!”
(The women flinch at the word.)
DR. PANTER
I told you, Heather, we do not use that word here. And no one’s joking. Please accept these women as they are.
HEATHER
Look, I gotta get out of here. What do I have to do?
VIVIEN
Just cooperate with the doctor.
(Welcome.)
VIVIEN (cont.)
EVERYONE HAS THEIR UPS AND DOWNS.
IT’S ALL RIGHT TO ACCEPT SOME ASSISTANCE.
CAMILLE
RESISTANCE IS EXPECTED.
MARY
THAT’S HOW IT SHOULD BE.
JUANA
NO ONE WANTS TO BE HERE,
ALL
ON THAT POINT WE ALL AGREE.
VIVIEN
WELCOME TO REFUGE.
I KNOW IT’S A LOT TO TAKE IN.
WITH THE DOCTOR HERE, AND HELP SO NEAR,
TO COMPLY IS THE WAY TO WIN.
ZELDA
WELCOME TO SNOOZEVILLE.
NO MORE DRINKING-THERE’S NO BAR.
WE’RE IN A PLACE FOR CRAZY FOLKS.
ALL
THEY SAY WE’RE MAD- THAT’S JUST BIZARRE!
MARY
WITH NO STORES TO SHOP IN, I’VE NO USE FOR A POCKETBOOK.
JUANA
NOT WHEN HALF THE US TREASURY’S SEWN INTO YOUR PETTICOAT.
VIVIEN
I’VE NO ROLES TO WORK ON.
CAMILLE
I CAN’T SCULPT IN THIS PLACE.
ZELDA
YOU CAN’T SCULPT AT ALL.
CAMILLE
I DESTROY WHAT I CREATE.
ZELDA
AND I REST MY CASE.
MARY
WELCOME TO LIMBO.
NO MORE SHOPPING, NO SPENDING, NO DEALS!
JUANA
THE SERVANTS LAZE ABOUT, YOU CAN’T GET OUT.
CAMILLE/MARY
THEY’RE PUTTING POISON IN OUR MEALS.
CAMILLE
WELCOME TO PRISON.
I LONG TO BID IT AU REVOIR.
ALL
WE’RE IN A PLACE FOR CRAZY FOLKS,
AND NO ONE’S GOTTEN OUT SO FAR.
MARY
I have a lawyer friend who will have me released any day.
ZELDA
Sure he will. That’s what you said last month.
MARY
Quiet, child. The doctor makes us jump through hoops and play little games, and it’s best to humor him. Bide your time until someone can get you out. Then you can resume your life.
JUANA
When can I resume my life?! I shouldn’t be locked up here; I should be ruling Spain! It’s my birthright! How is my country surviving in my absence?
HEATHER
I wouldn’t worry about it.
ALL
WELCOME TO NOWHERE,
A SOMEWHERE THAT’S ANYONE’S GUESS.
CAMILLE
I SAY THERE’S EVERY CHANCE THAT WE MAY BE IN FRANCE.
VIVIEN
WE CAN’T DISCOVER OUR ADDRESS.
I SAY IT’S LONDON.
JUANA
WE’RE IN SEVILLA OR NAVARRE.
ALL
WE’RE IN A PLACE FOR CRAZY FOLKS,
BUT WE DON’T KNOW- NOT EXACTLY, WE KEEP GUESSING.
BUT WE DON’T KNOW WHERE WE ARE!
HEATHER
You’re in New York City. How can you not know that?
ZELDA
I’m back in New York?! That’s swell!
VIVIEN
Oh, I like New York!
JUANA
What is New York?
MARY
How do you know where we are?
HEATHER
I was just on the street a few minutes ago.
CAMILLE
How did I get to New York?
DR. PANTER
I know that your memories are a little hazy on the details, because you were all under such emotional strain when you arrived. I brought each of you here for treatment. Except for Heather. Rex brought her here.
CAMILLE
I’m further from home than I thought.
DR. PANTER
Not to worry. I’ll get each of you home when you’re well.
JUANA
I’m perfectly fine.
DR. PANTER
Then why did you spend all of yesterday in bed?
JUANA
I was tired.
DR. PANTER
All right, ladies. Let’s begin our session.
VIVIEN
Yes, doctor.
JUANA
These “sessions” are completely pointless. All we do is talk.
DR. PANTER
As foolish as they may seem to you, these sessions will prepare you for the great work ahead of you. All of you. I’d like Heather to begin. Please tell the others what brought you here.
HEATHER
My asshole boyfriend and his minions dragged me here.
DR. PANTER
But what precipitated that?
HEATHER
My asshole boyfriend dumped me, even though I made him a star.
VIVIEN
How dreadful!
ZELDA
Sounds familiar. My hubby stole my life for his fiction and then dumped me off at this loony bin-
DR. PANTER
Zelda-
ZELDA
Sorry, hospital, while he’s living high, wide, and handsome in Hollywood!
JUANA
You know what you need?
ZELDA
Lay it on me, queenie.
JUANA
A love potion. I can make one for you out of black tea, rosemary, honey, and a few drops of bull’s urine. Serve it to him when he comes to visit you, and he’ll never leave your side again.
ZELDA
Well now, why the hell didn’t I think of that? A little bull piss, and all my marital strife will be over!
MARY
Don’t listen to Juana. Her husband was unfaithful to her every five minutes.
JUANA
Callate! Do not speak ill of my sainted departed Philip!
MARY
He may be departed, but sainted he was not. That would be my husband.
JUANA
Your husband was a freak compared with mi hombre guapo.
MARY
How dare you call Abraham a freak?!
DR. PANTER
Ladies, please! Heather had the floor. Please continue.
HEATHER
So, anyway, I threatened to cut off a certain part of his anatomy, and my threat ended up on YouTube, and I ended up here. End of story.
JUANA
What is this “YouTube?”
HEATHER
A website where you can post videos.
JUANA
What is this “website?”
HEATHER
Never mind.
CAMILLE
I say good for you, Mademoiselle. When a man betrays you and discards you like a common prostitute, he should suffer!
DR. PANTER
Camille, I’m trying to help you move beyond those feelings. Just because things didn’t work out between you and Rodin-
CAMILLE
He chose that imbecile Rose over me!
DR. PANTER
You can still have a full, productive life.